Many of us reach for salty, rich, gooey, or sugary foods when we feel hurt, sad, mad, lonely, or aggravated. Eating in times of stress may numb you, soothe you, calm you down, or help you avoid your feelings—at least temporarily. An unwelcomed side effect is that emotional eating usually delays or prevents us from reaching our health goals. And it does next to nothing to help us effectively deal with whatever is bugging us. Other head traps, like perfectionism and “catastrophyzing,” similarly stall progress. If you’re frequently frustrated with yourself for overeating, eating poorly, or not exercising, the solution may lie in your thought processes and the words you say to yourself. There are many obstacles to healthful eating and living. Fortunately, we can actually do something about the obstacles that are our thoughts.
Meet Your Autopilot
Recently, I meant to take a 20-minute drive straight down a single street to meet my husband and dogs for a walk on a beautiful trail one town over. Instead, I turned right after several minutes and kept on driving—the same way I go to my office, grocery store, hairdresser, doctor’s office, dentist’s office, and shopping mall. It’s no surprise that my autopilot took me the way that I drive most often. Who hasn’t done this many times! Our autopilots do much more than direct driving behaviors and eating behaviors. Our autopilots even direct our thought processes.
Being aware of habitual negative or destructive thoughts and purposefully working to halt them can be a game-changer during your lifestyle reset. Over the years, hundreds, if not thousands, of patients have told me stories about spiraling downward because of exaggerated thoughts of doom, desperation, or self-loathing.
The following example, unrelated to a lifestyle reset, may help to make this concept clearer. Imagine that you sent a friend a very thoughtful birthday gift, but you didn’t get an acknowledgment. You might think that your friend is mad at you or didn’t find your gift thoughtful at all. These thoughts can lead to more negative thoughts and still more negative thoughts and, in extreme cases, even affect your feelings of self-worth. In reality, maybe your friend is out of town or your thank you is lost in cyberspace or a thoughtful acknowledgment is on the way. Your friend might even be dealing with a grave crisis or a great celebration that has taken attention away from your kind gesture. The truth is, you just don’t know. But allowing the negative response to take hold can push you on a downward spiral. The same is true with your automatic thoughts about your efforts with diet, exercise, sleep, and any other part of your reset. Tanya felt guilty about eating a cookie, so she ate five more since “she’s never able to stick to any plan anyway and is doomed to be fat.” Automatic negative self-talk has a terrible way of making us feel worse about ourselves and holding us back. Negative self-talk does not push us forward.
Thoughts are not facts. Thinking that your friend is mad at you is not proof that your friend is mad at you. Eating a cookie is not evidence that you are doomed to being overweight. Yet so often, we internalize our thoughts as facts, and we act on them as if they are facts. But thoughts are not facts. If you’ve struggled with your weight or with healthful lifestyle behaviors, chances are quite good that you’ve beaten yourself up over less-than-stellar choices or negative outcomes. It’s likely that you’ve allowed your autopilot to repeat hurtful words inside your head. Take a few moments to play back some of your thoughts when you didn’t live up to your own diet and health expectations. Were you kind to yourself or hard on yourself? Did you truly assess your situation or allow your autopilot to take over? Here is a very common example of stories I hear in my office.
Mary is a busy mom trying to eat better and manage her weight as part of her strategy to prevent type 2 diabetes.
Scenario: I came home from taxiing the kids all over the place and dealing with a mess of traffic only to find that my dog chewed up one of my new throw pillows. I was exhausted, irritated, and angry.
Behavior: I headed straight to the Halloween candy that I bought to give out next week and ate at least four pieces of candy, maybe more. Since I ate so fast, I don’t really know.
Negative Self-Talk: Well I blew it again. I’m such a pig! And I’m so weak! I’ll never lose weight because I have no self-control, and I’m doomed to get diabetes.
Reaction: I screwed up my diet, so I really went for it! Instead of preparing the healthy meal I planned, I had my husband pick up greasy fried chicken and tater tots. Then I didn’t even take my after-dinner walk.
In this story, the automatic feelings of disgust and self-doubt took Mary into a deep downward spiral. She automatically thought that she is weak, has no self-control, and is doomed to develop type 2 diabetes. These thoughts are not facts, even though she has likely said them to herself many times before. While it is true that in this story Mary did not exercise great self-control, it is not a fact that she has no self-control. There are, in fact, many examples in her life—even recent life—where she exercised extreme self-control. And it is certainly not a fact that she will never lose weight and is doomed to get diabetes.
In his excellent book, The Now Effect, mindfulness expert Elisha Goldstein, PhD, describes the space between a stimulus and response as a choice point. Mary’s autopilot can tell her that she is weak and that she will never lose weight and is doomed to get diabetes. Or Mary can learn to become aware of her automatic thoughts and behaviors and make a choice about them. She can choose to let herself believe that thoughts are facts. She can choose to allow herself to believe that she is a weak person and that she has no self-control. She can give in to the belief that she’ll surely develop diabetes. Or she can take notice of these harmful, automatic thoughts and recognize that they are not facts. Take a look at how the same scenario might have played out differently if Mary had recognized one or more of her choice points, the space between the stimulus and her reaction.
Scenario: I came home from taxiing the kids all over the place and dealing with a mess of traffic only to find that my dog chewed up one of my new throw pillows. I was exhausted, irritated, and angry.
Behavior: I headed straight to the Halloween candy that I bought to give out next week and ate at least four pieces of candy, maybe more. Since I ate so fast, I don’t really know. (Mary’s behavior is still on autopilot, and so are her thoughts, as you see next.)
Negative Self-Talk: Well I blew it again. I’m such a pig! And I’m so weak! I’ll never lose weight because I have no self-control, and I’m doomed to get diabetes.
At this point, she works with her choice point and prevents her autopilot from dictating her thoughts.
Reaction: Actually . . . there are a gazillion times I’ve shown self-control—even yesterday when I ate only one bite of birthday cake at Lauren’s party. Tearing into the bag of Halloween candy isn’t getting me closer to my goals. I’ll stick to my plan for dinner, really watch my portions, focus on enjoying my after-dinner walk, and tomorrow I’ll bring out my food record again to help me stay accountable to myself.
Stopping her autopilot and working with her choice point allowed her to avoid the downward spiral of self-loathing and continued poor eating behaviors. She was able to recognize that her thoughts of never being able to lose weight and being doomed to a diagnosis of diabetes were not facts. Our days are filled with choice points. And we can learn to recognize them and respond in more helpful ways. I use the three-step process below to work with automatic negative thoughts. But if you really struggle with them, working with a psychotherapist is a smart strategy, as is practicing mindfulness. The Now Effect is a very good guide to make mindfulness practical.
Three-Step HOP to Stopping Negative Self-Talk
1. H: Hear your words in your head. Taking this step might be the hardest part because we are habitual in our thoughts and reactions. You may already be on a downward spiral once you hear your negative self-talk. Start from whatever point that you hear yourself. As you work on this, you will be able to catch yourself earlier in the process.
2. O: Observe the situation objectively, as if you were observing a friend. Most likely, you’ll see that the words are too harsh for the situation. Draw on your compassion and think about what you would say to your friend.
3. P: Plan how to proceed. This plan might include ways to direct your attention to different things, ways you can navigate a similar situation in a better way next time, or ways to reaffirm your commitment to your lifestyle reset.
Kindness First
Once a client told me that she uses a cardio machine at the gym for exactly 47 minutes because that’s how long it takes to burn a certain number of calories, and she “has to do that” since she had gained weight recently. I think it’s great that she developed a regular workout schedule. What bothered me was the way she came to this routine. And never mind that cardio machines are notoriously wrong at determining a user’s calorie burn. In conversation, I learned that she felt desperate about her weight. She was mad at herself and mad at her body—all common emotions I’ve heard many times. She forced this exercise routine on herself because she believed she deserved this form of punishment. She was acting with a punitive mindset instead of a kindness mindset. There are lots of good reasons to exercise, just as there are lots of good reasons to eat healthfully. But punishing yourself isn’t one of them.
I ask my clients to make their food, exercise, and other lifestyle decisions from a place of kindness. Instead of thinking, “I’m fat. I have to exercise,” practice saying to yourself, “I choose to exercise because I feel great afterward and it’s good for my body.” Or perhaps you’ll say, “I choose not to go to the gym today because it’s good to take a day off now and then,” instead of saying, “I’m not going to the gym today because I’m lazy and I’ll always be fat.” If you practice this kindness mentality, it too will become habit. It will become your autopilot. It may take a while, but I’m certain that you’ll be much happier for it. You’ll feel less desperate and have less guilt and anger at yourself. You’ll feel more in control. Plus, those healthy habits you’re working on are much more likely to sink in when you nudge yourself with a carrot instead of whack yourself with a stick.
10 Common Mind Traps That Stall Progress
Here are an additional 10 mind traps that might hold you back. Some are likely a result of your autopilot, so push that autopilot aside and work to respond in more helpful ways. Others are simply irrational ways of thinking.
1. Justification. “I deserve this junk food or I deserve several cocktails because I’ve been working so hard.”
In reality, how much effort you put into your work and what you eat and drink are unrelated.
2. All-or-nothing thinking. “Since I didn’t stick to my plan at lunch, I might as well pick up a couple of candy bars. I can start fresh tomorrow.”
This is as logical as choosing to buy furniture you can’t afford because you overspent on clothing. After all, you can start fresh with your finances another time. It’s much smarter to forgive your indiscretion and move on.
3. Perfectionism. “I won’t let chocolate pass my lips until I lose 35 pounds.”
Unrealistic rules often lead to diet failure by way of self-loathing or all-or-nothing thinking. Because it’s impossible to keep a perfect diet, it’s more reasonable to aim for a very good diet. Some of my clients find it helpful to aim for a diet that’s at least 80% perfect, but to do that 100% of the time. This puts the focus on a diet that’s good enough but reminds them of the importance of being consistent. After all, what we do most of the time is more important than what we do every once in a while.
4. Ignoring the positive and exaggerating the negative. “I can’t believe that I ate three fried appetizers at the party.”
This is similar to seeing the glass half empty. Many of my clients come in to my office feeling like they need to confess their diet and exorcise sins. So while they’re telling me of the “bad” things they did, I’m hearing the positive things they also did. For example, the person who ate fried appetizers passed up cocktails and dessert. I’d much rather hear her start the story with these fantastic things, so she feels empowered by the new skills she’s developing.
5. “Catastrophyzing.” “I ate cake at the office party. I’ll never be good at my diet.”
Don’t allow your mind to interpret negative things as disasters. Slipping up on your diet plan doesn’t make you a failure at healthful eating any more than knocking into your neighbor’s garbage can on collection day means that you’re a menace on the road. To put your situation into perspective, ask yourself if this diet or exercise slipup will really matter in the long run. Will it matter in 3 months? In 3 weeks? In 3 days? Chances are pretty good that nothing you ate, any exercise session you missed, or any bedtime goal you failed to meet will matter if you allow yourself to get back on track and move on. These things typically matter only when we allow them to become bigger than they truly are, which is demoralizing and holds us back.
6. Focus on unfairness. “It’s so unfair that my workout partner does the same workouts I do, but looks so much fitter.”
It might seem unfair that some people respond more readily to exercise or seem not to struggle with their weight. In reality, fairness has nothing to do with it.
7. Different rules apply to thin people. “Since my husband is thin, I asked him to keep the leftover birthday cake away from me by eating all of it.”
The truth is that a lot of birthday cake (pizza, chips, cookies, fill in your favorite “taboo” food) is good for no one—overweight or not—and a small piece rarely hurts anyone—overweight or not. I’d rather see the cake in the freezer or even the trash than have it pushed onto a thin person. Thin people need a balanced diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and other wholesome foods just like people who aren’t thin. And thin people with poor diets are also at risk for many chronic diseases.
8. Social comparisons. “I should be able to cook dinner every night because my coworkers all do.”
Whether it has to do with preparing dinner, how we look, what we weigh, how many times we made it to exercise class last week or anything else, comparing ourselves to others is pointless because no two people have the same life, background, and genetics. Especially with all the happy-looking people and delicious-looking healthful meals plastered all over social media, it’s easy to fall into this trap. If you see that others are succeeding where you have not, it might be helpful to look at the strategies that they have in place. Perhaps you can mimic or tweak these strategies to achieve your goal.
Social comparisons can also lead you to believe that you are doing better than you really are. For example, you may think that it’s quite acceptable to drink a liter of regular soda daily because your brother polishes off a 2-liter bottle every day. Or you may think that playing basketball once a week is adequate exercise because no one else in your family does that much activity.
9. Mind reading. “I ate dessert at my friend’s house because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.”
You can’t really know what someone else will think. It’s better to politely assert your needs.
10. Magical thinking. “I’m giving up this list of foods because I think this is the answer to my weight problem.”
I’ve known people to try one bad diet plan after another because someone told them it would work. Weight management (and physical fitness) require hard work. While tempting, restrictive diets typically lead only to temporary weight loss and are rarely nutritious. For many people, these diets are discouraging and lead to a cycle of restriction and indulgence. There are no magic plans out there. If there were, nearly everyone would be thin and physically fit.
Listen for the “Can’t”
Few things are more negative than the word “can’t.” Often I hear people say things like, “I can’t eat in that restaurant.” What they really mean is that they choose not to eat in that restaurant because there are few menu items that fit with their goals. Someone else might say, “I can’t have cookies in the house because I can’t control my eating.” It’s more accurate to say, “I choose not to have cookies in the house because I haven’t yet learned to control my eating.” Listen for the “can’t,” and deliberately choose more empowering language.
Learn To Stop Emotional Eating
Yes, this is something that can be learned. Working on stopping negative thoughts and unhelpful mind traps and deliberately using empowering language can help you in your quest to stop emotional eating. But reaching for food to manage emotions can be a very hard habit to break. Often, a psychotherapist skilled in working with people with disordered eating is the ideal person to help you. Ask your health care provider for a referral if you think a psychotherapist can help you.
Both psychology and biology are at play in emotional eating. People frequently reach for foods they associate with good feelings, such as Mom’s cookies or a cheesy casserole. Additionally, stress hormones may crank up appetite, which leads to eating, and the brain’s feel-good chemicals respond happily, although temporarily, to the food. Here are a few techniques that may help you learn to break free of emotional eating.
• Keep a log. Record your food intake for a week or two. Track what you’re eating along with your mood. This process may help you find choice points from which you can learn to change your thinking and behavior and that can teach you to identify your breaking points long before you break. Use the Food Record in Appendix B on page 273 or adapt it for your own needs. Consider keeping a photo log. If you’re about to eat, snap a picture. Do this for a week to see in color the choices you’ve been making.
• Notice and label your emotions. Having negative emotions isn’t usually bad. Having negative emotions is actually normal. But taking a deep dive into a bag of salty, crunchy snacks because of negative emotions is unhelpful in the long run. Practice noticing and labeling your emotions. Are you sad, anxious, lonely, or mad? Naming them and observing them without judgment will help you learn about them. Many people find that journaling about their emotions is helpful.
• Imagine handling emotional situations. In your mind, practice responding to common triggers in ways that don’t lead you to overeating. Think about what you can do next time you feel overwhelmed with household chores or the next time you argue with your spouse or whatever situation leads you to eat emotionally. Over and over in your mind, practice acting in desirable ways. Here again, many people find journaling enlightening and empowering.
• Create a plan. After imagining responding in positive ways, create a plan for difficult situations. If you need distractions, gather things to help you such as puzzle books, adult coloring books, nail polish, a list of people to call, or a list of activities such as soaking in a bath or playing with your dog. If you know that exercise or meditation helps you cope with strong emotions, plan to take at least 5 minutes for meditation or exercise. You may need more than one plan to address various situations.
• Practice non-food coping skills. Regularly soothe yourself without calories. Every day, take time for soothing enjoyment, so when the time comes, you have an arsenal of coping strategies at the ready. I regularly play with Benny, a perpetual puppy. I also call and text my daughters, spend quiet time drinking tea or coffee with my husband, take 5-minute breaks outside, and sit alone sipping a warm and fragrant tea from a beautiful cup. Other people take deep-breathing breaks, use adult coloring books, write in a journal, listen to soothing or uplifting music, chat with a friend, buy themselves flowers, or soak in hot tub. How you choose to soothe yourself is as individual as you are.
Additionally, a morning ritual potentially has the power to affect your entire day. A ritual is different from a routine in that a ritual holds a deeper meaning. A few examples follow:
• Express gratitude in thoughts, a journal, or aloud.
• Reaffirm your goals in writing or aloud.
• Practice yoga, meditation, or prayer.
• Watch a sunrise.
• Visualize good things happening in your day.
• Recite affirmations or a mantra.
• Build in food treats. Whatever food you reach for in times of stress probably has some special meaning to you. Is it chocolate, macaroni and cheese, pizza, or hot-from-the-oven cookies? Whatever it is, be sure to have some now and then. Not as a reward, but simply because you like the way it tastes. Practice enjoying this favorite food in a reasonable amount, perhaps as part of a balanced meal. Simply removing a food’s taboo label can be helpful. In this way, you are learning that it’s okay to treat yourself and removing the notion of treats as cheats. We all deserve treats, but cheat days are the wrong mindset.
• Review your personal wellness vision often. You identified what really matters to you when you created your vision of good health. Regularly look over your personal wellness vision. It’s easy to forget what really matters when you’re under stress or running in crisis mode. But knowing—and remembering—what’s really important steers you to appropriate actions.
Be Consistent
Strive to be at least 80% “perfect,” 100% of the time.
Practice Eating Mindfully
Try to describe in great detail the last meal you ate. Draw on memories of all of your senses. Can you describe the colors, textures, and aromas? What can you say about the temperature and the ways in which the food changed as you chewed it? How did eating make you feel both physically and emotionally? Unless you ate very mindfully, you will probably struggle with this exercise.
Mindfulness means paying close attention on purpose and without judgment. Eating mindfully is important in your lifestyle reset because you will gain insight into your body’s fullness and hunger cues. You will learn to trust your own wisdom and silence your harsh inner critic. By being fully aware of all that your food gives you, you will likely be satisfied with less food. I try an experiment in my office now and then. I give a small wrapped chocolate to clients and ask them to eat it quickly. Then I give them another one and ask them to eat it very mindfully. Try this simple exercise at home to see what you can learn. Before unwrapping the second piece of chocolate, think about what you expect from it. Ask yourself if this candy has any special meaning to you. Is it something you share with a dear friend or family member? Is it seasonal? Is it a very favorite, or just a candy that you enjoy? Now open it and look at its shape, color, and texture. What does it feel like in your hand? Notice the aroma. What tastes and feelings do you anticipate? Do you notice your mouth watering or your digestive tract moving? Put the chocolate in your mouth and move it around with your tongue. What do you notice now? Slowly bite into it. Notice its texture again. How does the temperature of the chocolate change? Savor the flavor. Once you’ve swallowed the second piece of candy, think about your experience. How did it compare to the experience of eating the first piece quickly? Answer each of these questions from a scientist’s viewpoint. There’s no judgment here, just a story to tell.
As you learn to eat more mindfully, you’ll become aware of your habitual actions and thoughts. And with this awareness, you can intervene when necessary because you will be able to identify choice points. Mindfulness will help you make food and eating choices based on your preferences, hunger, nutritional needs, and unique experiences and goals. If you enjoy food and look forward to eating, doesn’t it make more sense to slow down to enjoy your food than to race through a meal or eat it while driving?
In a world of sensory overload with a constant stream of noise and interruptions, eating mindfully—or doing anything mindfully—is challenging. We’ve got to deal with kids, bosses, phones ringing, dogs barking, emails, and more! But like so many other parts of your reset, practice gets results, and the payoffs are large.
Be Empowered
• Visit the library to learn about mindful eating and emotional eating. Pick up a book written by an expert such as End Emotional Eating by Jennifer L. Taitz, PsyD, or one of several books by mindful eating expert Susan Albers, PsyD.
• Pick at least three meals this week to practice eating mindfully.
• In your mind, run through your day to look for your negative self-talk or any of the common mind traps. Imagine handling those situations in a more positive way.
• As you catch yourself, practice rephrasing negative self-talk.
• Experiment with a morning ritual.
• Create a list of at least five non-food soothing activities.