CHANGING YOUR BEHAVIOR WHEN CHANGE IS HARD
If healthful lifestyle habits were easy to achieve and maintain, most people—not a mere 24% of the population—would eat the recommended servings of fruit every day. Vegetables would fill most plates. The majority of gym memberships would actually be used. And few people would be chronically sleep deprived and relying on a coffee jolt to get through the day. If there was a quick and lasting fix for weight problems, very few people would be overweight. But the truth is, losing weight and keeping lost pounds off is very, very hard. It’s easy to drop an exercise routine and stay up too late to unwind or finish chores. Eating healthfully in a world of unhealthful choices is exceptionally difficult. Throughout this book, you’ve learned about strategies to set goals and overcome obstacles. We’ve covered forming and breaking habits and identifying and moving beyond common mind traps. In this chapter, we’ll cover additional strategies for behavior change. First and foremost, you should be reassured that behavior change is hard because it’s hard, not because of any character flaws.
Finding Motivation
What is it with motivation? It’s there, and then it’s gone. Often, we think we can will it to come back. But no, it’s still gone. And then, we’re complimented on how we look or we learn we’re going to have a grandchild or a new job, and just like that, motivation is back. Motivation is fickle because there is a cost to every change we make. You may be motivated to prepare dinner most nights of the week, so you can eat more healthfully. But preparing dinner costs you time for something else you’d like to do. You may be motivated to de-stress at yoga class, but the class may be expensive and perhaps going to yoga means that someone else will have to pick up your children at school. We are at risk of reverting to old, unhealthful behaviors when motivation drops. So what can you do if simply wishing to be motivated doesn’t help?
Take a First Step
There is power is in doing something even if that something is not your ultimate goal. If you wish you were motivated to get back to your 30-minute afternoon walks, for example, don’t wait until the time is just perfect. Instead take a 5-minute walk today or right now. Success breeds success, so give yourself a chance to be successful.
Gather Motivating Items
I have clients who tear out motivating magazine articles, post photos reminding them of their values (such a pictures of grandchildren or a spot in the woods where they like to hike), collect inspiring quotations, and journal about their wishes and dreams. Another client regularly updates a computer document with motivating and inspiring thoughts. These are smart reminders of why we want to make lifestyle changes. Going back to these collections when motivation fizzles is a wonderful way to nurture it back up.
Have a Conversation
Have this conversation either with yourself or with someone you trust. Discuss why you want to change, why you’re hesitant to change, how changing will affect other people in good or bad ways, what your obstacles are to changing, and what are reasonable first steps. This is a good time to review Chapter 2 with a careful look at SMART goals, the HURDLE method to overcoming obstacles, and your personal wellness vision. You may even have new things to add to your personal wellness vision.
Use a Pro/Con Chart
As I noted above, there are always good reasons to change and good reasons not to change. Listing them on paper is helpful. Make lists of reasons to change and reasons not to, as in the examples below. It doesn’t matter if one list is longer than the other. The length of the lists is rarely important. What matters is the significance of the content. You may find only one con in a long list of cons that is a true obstacle. Moving forward will require you to put your energies into overcoming that one hurdle. Or there may be many obstacles that need your attention. Additionally, you may stumble across one or more reasons to change that are enough to help you get started or stay energized. Feel free to create a pro/con chart for an overarching goal, such as changing your diet, or for a narrow goal, such as packing your lunch. One of my clients is working on a pro/con chart for getting to bed on time. Make a separate chart for each behavior you struggle to change. Don’t rush through this exercise. My clients have discovered very interesting things about themselves and their situations. For example, one woman was fearful of losing weight because she didn’t know how to handle the unwanted attention of men.
Change or Stay the Same: A Pro/Con Balance Tool
After exploring your reasons to change and to stay the same, identify which list makes the more compelling argument. Do you have stronger reasons to change or to stay exactly where you are? If reviewing these lists doesn’t push you forward, ask yourself which items on your cons list are your biggest obstacles. How can you overcome them? Review the HURDLE method. Brainstorm as many options as possible, including thinking-out-of-the-box solutions. If money isn’t your concern, but time is, perhaps you could hire someone to help around the house to free up your time for meal planning and preparation. Or you can delegate chores to family members. Can you move forward by taking cooking lessons, getting an accountability partner, working through relationship problems, or making bedtime a few minutes earlier? There are likely many possible solutions once you examine your unique situation and identify what’s holding you back. There’s a template in Appendix B on page 282 to get you started.
Revisit the Importance, Motivation, and Confidence Ruler
If you’ve carefully crafted a SMART goal, but haven’t been successful, it’s a good time to run it through the Importance, Motivation, and Confidence Rulers that we first discussed in Chapter 2.
• On a scale of 1–10, how important is this goal to me?
• On a scale of 1–10, how motivated am I to work on this goal?
• One a scale of 1–10, how confident am I that with the resources I have available, I can be reasonably successful with this goal?
If you aren’t able to answer each question with at least a 7, either rewrite your goal or put some new strategies in place to boost your confidence. Don’t give up. Just keep reworking the goal and/or the plan until you get it in the right place. It’s okay to take baby steps. Just keep stepping.
Notice Your Progress
Your progress shows up in a number of ways. It may be a 5-pound weight loss, a lower A1C level, or a reduction in your blood pressure medication. It might be feeling more energized, sleeping more soundly, or noticing that you now exercise regularly and actually look forward to it. Your progress might be related to planning your meals, avoiding greasy food, having less knee pain, climbing the stairs with ease, or no longer feeling terrible remorse when you eat something unplanned. Recognizing your progress and giving yourself a “high five” is both fun and motivating. Use the Progress Report on page 283 in Appendix B to list your accomplishments—those things that have fundamentally changed for you. Review it and add to it often. Share it with people who support your efforts. It may seem silly, unnecessary, and even like bragging, but try keeping up with this list anyway. One day, when your motivation is failing you or you feel that you’re not successful with your lifestyle reset, you’ll gain so much from reflecting on your progress report.
Notice Today’s Non-Scale Victories
You may have already heard of non-scale victories. Although not measured in ounces and pounds, these are things that occurred today that you can feel good about. What behaviors did you engage in today that took you a lot closer to achieving your personal vision of wellness? Unfortunately, too many people put so much emphasis on losing weight that they lose sight that their overall goal is better health and wellness. Or they foolishly expect to follow their diet, exercise, and other lifestyle plans perfectly, noticing only when they mess up and failing to acknowledge what they are doing well. Yes, your weight is important, but it is not everything—not even close. Think about what you did well today in your efforts to take care of your health. Jot down these little (or big) triumphs in your journal, on your calendar, or on the Daily Victories Report on page 284 in Appendix B. Include the time you passed up on the supermarket samples, took a few deep breaths to calm yourself instead of reaching for food, caught yourself eating too fast and then slowed down, or squeezed a 10-minute walk into your busy day. Reflecting on your day in this way is a wonderful reminder to slow down and appreciate the difficulty of a lifestyle reset and to appreciate both your efforts and your successes, no matter the size.
The difference between the Progress Report and the Daily Victories Report can be confusing. Use the Progress Report to list new habits and health improvements—things that identify your overall progress. List daily accomplishments on the Daily Victories Report. The overall goal of the Daily Victories Report is to take excess focus off of things you could have done better and to help you take note of the little things you did well.
Make Healthy the Easy Choice
Because lasting change is hard to make, it’s smart to set up your home, office, car, and other parts of your usual environment in ways that facilitate, instead of hinder, wholesome eating and living. For example, keeping cookies on your kitchen counter is more hazardous to your health than storing them in a hard-to-reach cabinet. Similarly, you’re more likely to meet your fruit goal if you put a bowl of apples on your counter or cut-up melon in your refrigerator than you are if the apples are hidden and the melon is uncut. Wearing comfortable shoes may prompt you to take an after-lunch walk, and putting the treadmill and TV in the same room may help you get in a few extra minutes of exercise here and there. These are examples of simple strategies that can help you make the better choice. With some creative thought, you can surely come up with many more strategies to help ensure long-term success. After all, motivation comes and goes; willpower is hugely overestimated and unreliable; and the environment, with an abundance of food and too many opportunities to be physically inactive, is stacked against us. Proactively setting up your environment reduces your minute-to-minute efforts.
Think about those cookies on the kitchen counter. If you are spending time in the evening fighting with yourself about whether to eat them and how many to eat, or if you are bargaining a cookie for an extra 10 minutes of exercise, you are wearing down your emotional energy. Put those cookies away, so you can save your energy for things you have less control over. Here are several strategies that have helped my clients and me.
• If you have unhealthful, tempting food at home, keep it behind closed cabinets, in opaque containers, or both. Use this out-of-sight, out-of-mind technique often—at home, at work, in the car, everywhere.
• Pre-portion washed and ready-to-eat fruits and veggies into small containers or baggies. Make grabbing a bag of fresh produce as easy as grabbing a bag of chips.
• Pre-portion chips and crackers into small baggies, so you get just the right amount each time. Your brain won’t have to think so much when you pack lunch or reach for a snack.
• Serve meats and starches from the stove, but take fruits and vegetables to the table. This step should encourage you to skip second helpings of some foods, but not others.
• Go out of your way to avoid temptation. Clients have switched gas stations to keep themselves from buying a hot dog or coffee and pastry with every fill-up. Others drive a different route to bypass a particularly enticing takeout place.
• Pack healthful work snacks every Monday. If you snack at work, be sure you have good choices. Take five pieces of fruit or other wholesome snacks each Monday to eat all week long.
• Eat from small dishes. A small serving looks bigger on an 8- or 9-inch plate than it does on an 11-inch plate. Treat yourself to small, attractive cereal bowls and even smaller dessert bowls.
• Instead of candy in a candy dish, fill your bowl with decorative stones or marbles. Or say goodbye to the dish and create a welcoming spot with photographs, flowers, or art.
• Keep a pair of comfortable shoes nearby to allow yourself a walking break.
• De-clutter some space in your home for some indoor exercise. You’ll need it when the weather turns bad.
Stay Out of Food Jail
Over the years, many clients have told me they have been in food jail—that awful, painful place where they are forced to eat food that doesn’t interest them, where they are not allowed to eat what they really want, where they are often hungry, and where they feel they have no control over their food choices.
Diet books and programs are popular, in part, because of their clear and strict rules. Dieters know what to eat, when to eat, how to eat, and what not to eat. There is security in knowing exactly what to do. However, unless you wrote that book yourself, the rules and lists of good and bad foods probably don’t fit your life and preferences very well. Even if you wrote the diet plan and you gave yourself a bunch of strict rules, you would probably eventually find yourself in food jail clamoring to break out. This is such a common situation. A dieter is happy following a boring, strict diet because weight is coming off or blood glucose or cholesterol levels have improved. The long list of rules leaves little room for making a mistake. So what’s the problem? Eventually, strict dieters hate food rules and food jail so much that they quit the plan. They frequently swing all the way to the other end of the dieting spectrum and eat with abandon, as if they might be hit by a bus tomorrow. Their labs don’t look so good anymore. They gain the weight back, feel guilt or shame, revert to old habits, and set themselves up for more on-and-off dieting.
You can avoid food jail and make your lifestyle habits stick by saying a very loud “no” to restrictive diets and draconian food rules. You can also use flexible food rules appropriately to keep yourself on plan without too much mental arguing going on.
There are three parts to making food rules work for you instead of against you.
1. Create rules to help you make the right choices most of the time. These are rules that you like, and they help you make good decisions. They are unique to your life, your routines, and your food preferences. A few of my food rules (and one exercise rule) follow:
• I eat three meals every day.
• At dinner, I eat more vegetables than any other type of food.
• Whenever I eat pizza, I eat a bowl of salad before my first slice of pizza and a second bowl of salad before my second slice of pizza.
• I don’t eat after dinner.
• I don’t eat sweets in the morning.
• I don’t eat food that others bring into my office.
• I exercise every morning before work.
You may or may not like my rules and that’s okay. They’re for me. I like them. I never feel deprived by them, and I never have to decide to exercise in the morning or whether or not dip into the candy jar at work. I don’t have to think about it. I don’t argue with myself. I just know what to do.
2. Create exceptions to your rules. These exceptions need to be created in advance and not on the fly. An important purpose of food rules is to free you of an internal argument of should I or shouldn’t I. Making exceptions on the fly is the same as breaking your rules, and this usually comes after one of those tiresome mental arguments. Here are two examples of mine.
• I don’t eat food brought into my office except when it’s a healthful lunch in place of my own healthful lunch or except when the food is so unusual that it’s my only opportunity to experience it (such as a home-prepared item from a coworker’s unique culture).
• I don’t eat after dinner except when dinner was so early or so small that I’m hungry.
Just as your rules are unique, your exceptions must also be unique. Otherwise, they just won’t fit your life. You may realize that you consume a few hundred calories tasting supermarket or big box store samples each week, suggesting that you will benefit from a rule around this. Your rule with exceptions may look like this: I don’t eat grocery store samples except when it’s only a fruit or vegetable or except when it will help me decide if I should buy the product.
3. Reevaluate your rules and exceptions periodically. Continue to create new rules and tweak old ones. Remember, these are rules to keep you on track but also to keep you out of food jail. If they start to feel like jail, something needs to change. Your ultimate goal has got to be sustainable lifestyle changes, not moving back and forth between rigid diet and lifestyle plans and an anything-goes kind of routine.
Halt an Impending Relapse
Even though we are approaching your lifestyle reset in such a way to make it sustainable, relapses are still possible. You can guard against a full-blown relapse by protecting your new habits and attitude. Recognize all the little changes you’ve made that add up to something bigger—better health and wellness. Pat yourself on the back, and soldier on. Maintain your Progress Report and your Daily Victories Report. Keep looking for obstacles and make plans to overcome them. How will you handle food at a party or on vacation? How will you get exercise when the weather is bad or when your schedule changes? Form the habit of scanning your day and week ahead for potential roadblocks and use the HURDLE method to find workable solutions.
Shake off little lapses. We all have them. Note them for what they are—little lapses that won’t have a big impact if they are few and far between. Many little lapses, however, are a warning sign that a relapse is in the making. Try to identify these problem behaviors and thoughts before they take hold and drag you in a downward spiral. Look for these red flags.
• You’re eating more junk food or drinking more alcohol than usual.
• You’re sick of your food choices.
• You’re sneaking food.
• Your intake of fruits and vegetables has dropped significantly.
• You’ve been skipping meals.
• You’re eating out more often than usual.
• You’ve stopped weighing yourself because you don’t want to see the number.
• You feel like you’re in food jail.
• You feel depressed or guilty about your health or your health habits.
• You’re relying on coffee or another caffeine source to keep you going.
• You noticed that you’ve been rushing through your meals and not listening to your hunger cues.
• If you had been recording your food intake, you’ve stopped or have been tracking your intake only sporadically.
• You’ve put off appointments with your health care providers because you don’t want to discuss difficult things.
• You’ve not been regular with your exercise routine.
• You welcome excuses to eat unhealthfully or skip exercise instead of finding solutions to obstacles.
• You hate your exercise routine.
• You’ve been staying up too late.
• You can’t identify things in your day that help you manage stress.
• You find yourself “catastrophyzing” or engaging in negative self-talk without reframing.
• You didn’t stick to your plan, so you decide to “blow it” even more and start fresh tomorrow.
As soon as you notice these warning signs or red flags, seek help from a coach or a friend, analyze your situation and make a plan to get back on track, set new goals, review your personal wellness vision, find new motivators, or use any strategy that you find helpful. Don’t panic or give in to negative thinking. Stay true to your ultimate goal to form new lifestyle habits rather than cycle between restrictive plans and a free-for-all.
Be Empowered
• Start or add to your Progress Report.
• Start or add to your Daily Victories Report.
• Share your progress and daily victories on social media, using #LifestyleReset and @NutritionJill.
• Review your personal wellness vision and most recent set of 3-month goals.
• Set new 3-month or weekly goals if appropriate.