Queen of the Quickie, page 15Ah, foreplay. That good ole pretty dang important part of sex play that frequently doesn’t get as much lip service as it deserves. People frequently ask, “How much foreplay needs to happen?” as if they’re going to set an egg timer exactly to the minute, or even second, and as soon as it dings, move on to the main event. Au contraire, my friends. Foreplay has no magical number that determines how long it should last. It’s different for each individual, and while in general, the rule is that if you think you’ve done enough foreplay, do some more, a portion of the population doesn’t need much in the way of foreplay. Again, communication is crucial in figuring it out.
In this chapter you’ll find out:
--- How much foreplay works for you: Super quick, middle of the road, or lots and lots.
--- What gets your motor going: Making out, handiwork, or oral.
--- How to connect with your inner sex goddess by deciding whether you like lingerie, lighting, or just your bare body best!
How Much Foreplay Do You Really Want?
When it comes to the amount of time that you want to spend on foreplay, which of the following best describes you?
Queen of the Quickie, page 15
More Middle of the Road, page 16
Proud Pillow Princess, page 16
Queen of the Quickie
You’re one of those women who can go from zero to sixty in the blink of an eye. Perhaps this is because you naturally have such a high sex drive that you’re raring to go, or maybe you spend your days giving yourself fabulous foreplay with dirty thoughts about things to come (literally). Whatever it is, you’re sick of being told that all women need hours and hours of foreplay when what you really want is more of a wham, bam, thank you ma’am.
Good for You!
First of all, that’s absolutely OK and normal. Unfortunately, when people try to give sex advice with the idea that ALL women like or dislike something, or that ALL women need or don’t need something, those who don’t fit the blanket statement get left high and dry. If you’re perfectly fine with quickies that don’t require much foreplay at all, or you prefer to just dive into the main event, then good for you for knowing your own mind and body.
Make Sure It’s Good for Everybody
However, it is important to note that although YOU may not need or want more foreplay, your partner might. Regardless of gender, your partner may really enjoy different types of foreplay, and they might be a bit put off by you saying that it’s not on the menu that night (of course, they might also just say “awesome” and begin with the main course, which would be great for you both). Make sure that you communicate to them that it’s YOU who doesn’t necessarily need or want that extra warm-up time, but that has nothing to do with how you feel about them. Many people equate foreplay with caring for each other, so you may want to offer up more foreplay for them if THEY feel that they need or want it.
Finding a happy compromise is the name of the game here. You could always alternate between fast-and-fun quickies and longer sex sessions, or you could provide the foreplay that they desire before moving on to what you’re really wanting. Just make sure to keep up with the communication, and you should be good to go!
More Middle of the Road
You like having a good amount of foreplay before you get down to business, but too much foreplay and you start to get a little antsy. You fall right in the middle, so for you, figuring out the happy medium of foreplay is what it’ll take to keep you sexually satisfied.
Taking It Down a Notch
If you’re getting TOO much foreplay from your partner (yes, this can happen, especially when a partner who’s eager to please reads an article that says hours of foreplay make every woman sexually happy), the task at hand is communicating to them that you appreciate how much foreplay they’re providing while letting them know that you’re so incredibly turned on by the first ten to twenty minutes of foreplay that you just don’t need the rest and are aching to get to the main event. Remember to throw some compliments in there, especially about the parts and amounts of the foreplay that you’re enjoying. You don’t want to hurt their feelings or somehow accidentally convince them that you don’t need any foreplay at all.
Turning It Up a Notch
On the other hand, what if you have a partner who just isn’t giving you enough foreplay? You should think a bit about what kind of foreplay you’d like to add that you’re not getting, and while you don’t need to have an exact number (thirteen minutes of fingering, please!), a time frame might give them some ideas of what your needs are. For example, you might say that you’re happy with the amount of hot kissing and making out that the two of you currently do, but that the two minutes of receiving oral sex is not quite getting you to where you need to be. Saying that ten minutes of their amazing mouth would really turn you on so that you’re ready for what’s next is a lot clearer than just saying, “I need more foreplay.”
Finding Their Fit
Don’t forget that our partners have their own foreplay wants and needs. Make sure that the conversation you have about your own needs and desires for foreplay also gives them time to share their wants and needs. If the two of you are already on the same page, that’s wonderful, and you can go forth into sexy time. If you’re at different places of need for amounts of foreplay (both giving and receiving), come up with some compromises that will allow you both to feel that you’re getting your needs met.
Proud Pillow Princess
When people talk about the need for hours and hours of foreplay (albeit a bit hyperbolically), they’re speaking your language. Sure, the idea of getting it on without much action first might interest you, but you know your body like the back of your hand, inside and out. You crave, want, and NEED a significant amount of foreplay before any other sexual activity takes place. In fact, sometimes you might even be happier with only “foreplay” happening, as it can be just as exciting as, if not even more satisfying than, the main event.
Getting Yours
That’s great that you know your own needs. The challenging part is ensuring that those needs get met. Sadly, many mainstream depictions of sexual interactions portray women who need only to be looked at with a smoldering gaze before their panties are in a pile on the floor and they are ready to be taken. You have the (potentially difficult) task in front of you of disillusioning your current partner (or even potential partners) of this myth and training them on how to best get you ready for whatever the main event might be.
Know What to Ask For
Think about what foreplay means to you: Is it kissing? Oral sex? Fingering action? Cuddling together on the couch? Reading erotica out loud to each other? Once you have a more solid understanding of what foreplay means to you, you’ll be better able to share what foreplay needs to look like with your partner. Specifics are good — instead of saying, “I’d like to be kissed for a longer period of time,” you might consider saying something like, “When you make out with me for like ten minutes, I start to get REALLY turned on.”
Again, communication is important, not only in letting your partner know about your needs, but doing it in a way that assures them that you’re attracted to them and that they’re not doing anything wrong. You want them to feel excited and engaged about doing more foreplay, not like they’re bad at sex. You can also give updates throughout the foreplay about how much more you’re getting turned on, how aroused you are, and so on, to let them know that the extra work they’re doing is paying off. Additionally, make sure that extra foreplay is a two-way street if they enjoy it as well; don’t make them do all the work if they too might enjoy a little extra oral or handiwork as part of your sexual play.
Coming to a Compromise
You might also want to discuss with your partner ways that you might compromise — you might not always have the time for them to go down on you for forty-five minutes before you move on to intercourse. Consider planning a foreplay-heavy sexual interaction once a week, while having more of a quickie (maybe just ten to fifteen minutes of oral sex, or just a few minutes of making out) once a week, so that you both can get what you most crave without always having to put aside two hours for sex.
Foreplay is kind of a misnomer, implying that certain things are just precursors and are not actually sex. I mean, really, any sexual activity can be done as foreplay, as the main event, as an afterthought, or even as the only thing happening that night. That being said, in truth we tend to think of a few specific things as foreplay, and if you know exactly what it is that revs you up, you can let your partner know, leading to an even more fantastic time in the bedroom.
As you think about it, what really turns you on and gets you ready for going even hotter and heavier? Maybe you are:
Mad about Making Out, page 17
Hooked on Handiwork, page 18
Orally Predisposed, page 19
Mad about Making Out
Ah, the somewhat lost art of the good make-out session. For some reason, although it was all the rage in high school when it was a huge part of our intimate times with our partners, it has somehow lost much of its magic and allure. Many people are lucky if they can get in a few hot kisses before their clothes are on the floor and lips have moved on to other areas.
Many sex therapists, especially when working with clients who feel that sex has gotten stale or routine, encourage them to give up other sexual activities for a while and just go back to making out, exploring each other’s faces, lips, necks, ears, collar bones, and so on, with their lips, and letting their hands wander all over each other … but just above the waist. While many people think this sounds silly, it’s an incredibly effective way to reengage with someone. Making out allows you to connect in a whole different way than you might while doing the mattress mambo. You can rediscover some of your lover’s erogenous zones that you might have forgotten about (or never even found in the first place), and they get to do the same for you and your body.
There’s also something a bit hot about the idea of being all kinds of hot and bothered but having to stay above the belt. Maybe it takes us back to high school when we weren’t yet ready for other activities, or maybe it’s just the urge to want what we can’t have that makes it that much hotter. Either way, you may find that if you and your partner just focus on kissing and making out for a while, it’ll free up other areas of your sex drive and leave you both all wound up and ready to go.
The Right Time
If you love making out and your partner is ambivalent about it but will do it to make you happy, you could consider setting a time frame; making out through the next four songs on the iPod or until the oven dings. That way, the person who isn’t all about making out doesn’t feel that they have to perform for hours on end, and you know that you’re definitely getting at least the minimum fulfillment of your make-out needs and wants.
Hooked on Handiwork
Fingering, finger banging, handiwork — whatever name you have for it, you love it when your partner gets all kinds of handsy with you. From gently stroking your labia and clitoris with lubed-up fingers (lube can make all the difference) to slooooowly sliding inside you until you can barely breathe from anticipation, having some manual action between your legs is the type of foreplay that makes you ready to jump your partner’s bones.
Opening Act or Main Event?
For some people, manual stimulation is definitely foreplay and is always a precursor, never the main event. Others enjoy it as the highlight of their interaction, whether or not there are other activities coming down the pipeline. For many people, manual stimulation is a much more enjoyable sensation than penetration with a penis or dildo, and can certainly be more sexually fulfilling, resulting in orgasms more frequently. Manual stimulation can involve just fingers, or also a vibrator for the clit that could be exclusively external stimulation or might include penetration of the vagina (or anus) as well.
Talk to the Hand
Even with handiwork, it’s important to communicate with your partner about what that looks like to you, and how you want it to happen. A lot of partners are super excited about hot fingering action, but you might want them to stroke around your vulva until you’re absolutely begging them to put their finger(s) inside you. On the other hand, you might be ready to go with your favorite vibrator to take care of external stimulation, and just want them to slip and slide right in. If they’re penetrating you, make sure that they know if you just want them inside you being perfectly still, if you want their fingers straight or curved, if you want them going in and out — the better you can communicate your needs and wants to your partner, the more likely it is that they’ll be fulfilled.
Sometimes Dull Is Good
If they’re using their fingers on or around your vulva, or inside your vagina or anus, make sure there are no sharp edges, rough hang nails, and so on. That tissue is easily snagged and cut during this type of sexual activity. People often cut their nails before sex to get rid of ragged edges, but it doesn’t occur to them that unless they ALSO file their nails, they’re now putting freshly cut, super-sharp nails into their partner’s most delicate areas. If their nails are indeed too sharp or ragged, or have a hangnail, consider asking your partner to use a latex, nitrile, or vinyl glove. It’ll keep things nice and slippery as well as protect your skin down there from any uncomfortable and accidental cuts.
Orally Predisposed
Mmm. The feeling of your partner’s mouth pressed up against your vulva, their tongue working its magic as your back arches up from the bed, just can’t be beat. While of course some women flat out don’t enjoy receiving oral sex (and of course, that’s absolutely normal and A-OK), there are in fact many who adore the feeling of their lover eating them out. Cunnilingus (oral sex on a vulva) is a sexual activity that many women can climax from, making it a great foreplay (or after-play!) option, especially if they’re not able to orgasm from other types of sexual activities like intercourse and/or penetration.
Relax about Receiving
Some women who enjoy receiving cunnilingus are also concerned about being on the receiving end. Some think that it seems selfish, but it’s not any more selfish than when your partner receives oral sex — it’s 100 percent acceptable for you to lie back and let yourself go as you enjoy yourself sexually. There’s NOTHING wrong with that.
Others may be concerned about the taste. But if you’re in good health (i.e., no infections or other medical issues), you taste the way you’re supposed to. If you’re truly concerned, stay away from cream (and most dairy), garlic, broccoli, and asparagus, and make friends with your favorite citrusy fruits and juices like pineapple, oranges, limes, and lemons if you want to taste slightly sweeter.
Another concern some have is that your partner thinks cunnilingus is gross. I have to tell you, one of the most frequently asked questions that I get is, “How come my girlfriend/wife/partner won’t let me go down on her? I think it’s so incredibly sexy to eat her out, but she keeps pushing me away.” While yes, some people may not enjoy giving cunnilingus, the vast majority do. If your partner says that they don’t like it, you can always ask why and try to troubleshoot, but think first if they actually said they didn’t like it or if you’re putting words in their mouth.
Shower Before Showtime
If you’re concerned with your smell or taste (or their smell or taste), or cleanliness in general before oral sex, add hopping in the shower together to rub each other up and soap each other down as part of your foreplay routine. Since you both just showered together, you both know that you’re fresh and clean, and that can sometimes help your mind relax more to lie back and enjoy receiving cunnilingus. Stay away from frou-frou soaps with fragrance; use pH-balanced soaps or ones that are slightly basic (less acidic) if you’re soaping up below the belt!
Take Your Time
You may need to let your partner know if you need more or less time in the oral sex department. Mainstream media and mainstream porn tend to show cunnilingus that lasts all of a minute or two, but many women want more than that. It’s absolutely OK to let your partner know that you love what they’re doing to you, that it really turns you on, and that you need about another fifteen or twenty minutes of them doing what they’re doing for you to either climax or to be ready to go on to the next activity.
If you know you need a little bit longer for cunnilingus, consider getting into a position that’s comfortable for you both for the majority of the time, and then as you get close, you can switch into the position in which you like to end. This way, your partner’s head and neck don’t get too tired out and you’re still getting your requisite amount of oral sex.
Further Reading and Experimentation
If you want to learn more about oral sex, female anatomy, and positions for cunnilingus, check out my book Oral Sex That’ll Blow Her Mind: An Illustrated Guide to Giving Her Amazing Orgasms. The whole book focuses solely on cunnilingus and what you can do to make it the best possible. You can also feel free to experiment, and you should make sure to check back in with your partner to give them feedback on what you liked and want them to do again, as well as telling them what wasn’t quite as exciting. As with all types of sexual activity, make sure that you’re on top of your communication, giving positive feedback, and coming to a middle ground around things that you don’t just magically agree on.
Connecting with Your Inner Sex Goddess!
People are always talking about sex tips — how to be the sexiest, how to be the best at sex, and so on. However, for the most part, there’s no one magical tip that works for everyone. Different strokes for different folks (pun intended), and all of that. That’s fine and dandy, but there’s one tip that works for everyone, regardless of their age, experience, gender, orientation, relationship status, and so on. That tip? Confidence and enthusiasm are sexy. Period. If you feel good about you — about how you look, how you feel, and how excited you are for whatever sexual adventure is about to happen, then you’re far more likely to be viewed as sexy by others.
Granted, that seems like a simple piece of advice that’s so boiled down that it means nothing. That may be true, but connecting with your inner sex goddess (I promise, everyone has one) is going to make you better in bed, for yourself and for your partner. It will.
So how does one do that? It’s incredibly complicated. Women are socialized in our society to feel that they need to conform to a certain look, a certain style, even a certain way of being sexy. Even most of the “stereotypically beautiful” women, including supermodels, spend a good deal of their time picking apart what’s wrong with them rather than celebrating all the amazing and beautiful parts of their body. If you go into sex trying to hide your body, or with the idea that you aren’t worth it, then the sex is not going to be great — all those feelings are going to be weighing you down the whole time, and rather than concentrating on pleasure (giving, receiving, or both), you’ll be spending your time wondering if your partner has noticed your mole/your fat/your skinniness/your tan line/your hair, or mulling over whether this is pity sex, or if it’ll ever happen again, or why such a sexy person wants to sleep with you. With all those things running through your head, is it any wonder that it’s hard to focus on being in the moment? So let’s break it down based on three things that can help you feel sexy and powerful.
When you think about looking and being your best in the boudoir, which of the following resonates the most?
Stunning Your Lover with Your Looks, page 20
Being Cast in the Perfect Lighting, page 22
Walking in Like You Own the Place, page 22
Stunning Your Lover with Your Looks
Lingerie is an industry. Long before there were silky bras, beautiful bustiers, and perfect panties, people were still having ridiculously awesome sex. So what is it about our society that makes people feel that they have to spend a fortune on garments that contain the smallest bits of cloth? No easy answer to that one, but many women feel that they can’t be sexy unless they look like a Victoria Secret’s model, and that just isn’t true.
Confidence with Lingerie
To start with, wear what makes you feel sexy. Again, that’s what makes YOU feel sexy, not what your partner will find sexy, or what the TV tells you is sexy. Do you feel like a lioness ready to take down her prey when you’re wearing that old college T-shirt and yoga pants? Then don’t abandon them for a negligee that makes you feel timid and overexposed — wear the yoga pants. Really. Do you feel sexiest when you wear nothing under your clothes, and go from fully clothed to nothing but nude? If so, stick with the commando, and go that way. Your partner’s going to think you’re sexy if YOU think and feel that you’re sexy, lingerie or otherwise.
Lingerie as Lingerie
This is all fine and dandy if you don’t feel sexy in lingerie, but what if you do? That’s great too — it’s all about finding the right look, feel, and fit for you that stays within your budget. Who knows, maybe you have hundreds or thousands to blow on beautiful and flimsy garments. If so, then off you go. However, if like most folks, you can afford a few pieces that make you feel beautiful, then the key is finding those pieces.
Down Below
Thongs: people love them or hate them. If you fall into the former camp, then there are so many adorable thongs and G-strings (there’s no real difference between the two, other than a few centimeters of fabric) to choose from, and they can range from about $5 at places like Target to hundreds of dollars at high-end stores, and everything in between. You can get cotton thongs, silk thongs, lace thongs — you name it. Some people love the look of thongs, or they like the stimulation of their bits, or both. Other people find them a bit comfortable — if you fall into that group, read on!
For those of us not in the thong camp, another super-sexy item is the newly popular boy short. Why so popular? Because boy shorts are still sexy and don’t remind folks of the white cotton panties preferred by schoolgirls and grandmothers (although if that’s your thing, then power to you as well!), yet still have the comfort that some don’t seem to find in thongs. Plus, everyone’s butt looks good in boy shorts, whether you have very little in your trunk or were the inspiration for “Baby Got Back.” Like thongs, they come in various materials, patterns, and colors.
Up Top
So we’ve got the bottom half covered — what about what goes on top? For some, a sexy bra is the easy answer. Again, these can come in a huge variety of styles from full coverage to demi-cup, strapless and backless, even sports bras (which can be very sexy to some folks). Find a bra that’s comfortable, unless you’re going to make it your “sex-time-only bra,” in which case comfort doesn’t have to be an issue. Make sure you try them on — the sizes fit differently for different brands, and even in the same brand from style to style. If you’ve never been fit for a bra, I highly encourage you to go to your local higher-end bra shop and have someone do it for you. It’s free and usually more accurate than any store I’ve been to in a mall or open-air shopping center. Knowing your correct sizes can significantly change your confidence and sexy-feeling during bra wearing.
Getting Tucked In
Want a little more coverage? A little more boost? A little more to take off? You could go the way of a bustier (what you find in lingerie stores) or a corset (real corsets have hefty boning, are more expensive, and are sometimes harder to find). This may tuck you in a little in the middle and also add some oomph to your breasts. If you want the girls free to hang out in a sexy bra but want that support for your middle, they make half-bustiers/corsets called cinchers that go below your breasts. Teddies were popular in the 1980s, but seem to have gone out of style, although you can still find them some places — they look like loose leotards made of more whimsical material.
Nighty Nightie
If you want to go classic, negligees are like lingerie nightgowns and can be full coverage or see-through, and go to the floor or just below your butt cheeks (these ones are usually called baby dolls), and many of them, especially in a larger size, have built-in support or even underwire cups, while some are more flimsy and just for show. Some come with matching panties and/or robes, and others are stand-alone.
Being Cast in the Perfect Lighting
So many people, especially women, dread being naked in front of a lover, a partner, even a one-night stand. People joke that the first step of sex is to turn the lights out; many women have never had a sexual experience with any lights on, much less in full light. The trick to getting out of the dark? Finding the light that works best for you.
While sex in the dark CAN be fun as one of many options, limiting yourself to always being in the shadows is just that — limiting. The view of bodies during sex is another enticing turn-on for all those involved, and being confident enough to show off your body in the most flattering light projects that assuredness, which can be incredibly arousing, both for the confident individual and for the one watching that confidence shine.
Ditch the Standard
Most indoor lights are fluorescent, which is probably the least flattering type of light available, ever. Fluorescent light bleaches color from construction paper on billboards because it’s so harsh, and emphasizes little things like blemishes, while also doing weird things like changing skin tones. Although this type of lighting is fine for making your bed and choosing tomorrow’s outfit, it’s not ideal for gently lighting your skin while you’re getting ready to get it on.
NOT the Brightest Bulb in the Box
Consider some other options. One of the easiest is to replace the existing bulbs in your current light fixtures with soft white, non-fluorescent bulbs, or even fun-colored bulbs. Red can have a passionate fiery feel, while blue can be more calming. You can also eschew the built-in light fixture and rely on small or large lamps. Then you can change lampshades to light the room the way you’d like. Just please don’t throw fabric over a light to soften the lighting — that’s a major fire hazard, and nothing is more of a sexual buzzkill than the sound of sirens and alarms going off.
Lighting a Flame, Literally
More into natural lighting? Candles are tried and true, and everyone looks fabulous in candlelight. Massage candles are soy based and can be used for lighting to start, and then as melted wax massage oil during the fun. You can use tiny tea lights, or large glass jar candles, and everything in between. Choose a scent that’s sensual to you and not too overpowering; you don’t want to be thinking about warm baked cookies while you’re doing the deed. Something to keep in mind; keep candles away from pets and flammable objects.
Be a Sun Goddess
A final option, depending on when you’re planning the mattress mambo, is the use of good ole natural daylight. Granted, if your window faces a busy street, you might want to invest in some nice shades or sheer fabric to put over the window. However, soft daylight, especially on an overcast day, is some of the most flattering light out there, all for the ridiculously amazing price of FREE.
So yes, you can have fabulously flattering light in the bedroom that encourages you to flaunt your curves. And maybe one day — once you’ve gained the confidence that comes with loving who you are and how you look, however that may be — perhaps you won’t even need to prelight your bedroom. You’ll be able to go into any situation with any lighting and rock out like the wonderful sex goddess that you know that you are!
Walking in Like You Own the Place
Stop for a moment and think about what you’re really good at, the thing that makes you most confident. Perhaps it’s your superior negotiating skills, or your fabulous gardening green thumb, or your amazing ability to interact with people. Now, think about how wonderful it would be if you could replicate that confidence when you saunter into the bedroom, raring to go.
The number one trick to this type of sexual confidence is the idea of faking it until you make it. Does this sound a bit silly? Yes … but let’s be honest, sex is a little silly. We all have bodies that are a little funny, and we make odd noises, and we have odd names for our body parts. No one is naturally born with the sexual prowess of a sex god or goddess; we all put on a front around sexuality, a facade that implies that we know what we’re doing. Only once we put on that front and gain practice, experience, and maybe even a bit of sexual humility (we’ve all had the ridiculously awkward sexual experiences that end with a good laugh and hilarious story to be told later among friends) do we become sexually confident and full of those bedroom skills that we perhaps only pretended to have before.
Now, I’m not saying to go into the bedroom being a cocky asshole (pun intended) know-it-all. That won’t serve anyone. You still have to be ready to communicate your wants and needs, and to listen to the wants and needs of your partner. That being said, there’s a huge difference between saying, “I’m so excited to learn what gets you going and show you what works for me,” and, “I have no idea what I’m doing, but guess I’ll just do it.”
Role-Play Your Role Models a Little Bit
Think about your favorite badass role model. Beyoncé, Marlene Dietrich, Gloria Steinem, bell hooks, Mae West, Pink; you name her, and she can be a powerful woman who’s your role model. Now reflect on what makes her so amazing and powerful — is it her calmness, powerful presence, sultry voice, witty comebacks? Take a moment to figure out how to integrate that trait into your bedroom banter. Walk in, strike a pose, and say, “Hey there, sailor,” or do a little dance that you know will draw your partner’s eyes to your favorite body parts. Maybe it’s more cerebral, like talking about social or gender theory while you unbutton your lover’s shirt. Or it may even just be walking in and telling them what you want them to do, and that you want it now.
The goal is for you to figure out your own shtick — what it is that boosts your sexual confidence and makes you ready to walk in and take the reins. Getting there is usually a process, and borrowing a few tricks from our favorite folks never hurt us. Just don’t get too much into character (unless you’re doing a role-play that involves that), because you might end up confusing your lover more than showing them your confident side.