I am sitting in my home office, looking at a photo of my two daughters. Carlie, fourteen, is a freshman in high school. Emilie, seventeen, is a junior. Both of them have vibrant, wonderful lives, and they are so busy right now that they probably won’t even read this book. But I hope they will read it eventually, and that it will help them understand me better, and know how deeply I love them. I wrote this at least as much for the girls as I did for Diane or me.
I’ve tried to be very honest here about how much of my time and energy has been wasted obsessing about food. I could have used those years a whole lot better by focusing instead on making a difference in the world. I would do just about anything to keep Carlie and Emilie away from the pitfalls of food obsession.
If you are a parent, you know that your kids see and understand much more than you give them credit for. I thought my struggle with food meant wrestling with my own private demons, but I found out it was a lot more visible than I realized. Carlie and I were in the doctor’s office recently for her regular checkup, and we both weighed ourselves. “I weigh more than you!” she tossed at me, without seeming the least bit upset.
She got off the scale and popped back onto the examining table and added, “You have an eating disorder, so that’s why you weigh less than me.” She said it very matter-of-factly, with that cutting honesty that is something of a Brzezinski family trademark. I was about to retaliate with, “Do not be disrespectful to your mother,” but I didn’t. After writing this book, I couldn’t argue with her. Not only was it still true, but I actually loved that she had the nerve and the insight to say it to me.
It dawned on me then that my daughter is healthier than I am. She is completely fine with her weight. Carlie looks good, she exercises, and she has a healthy appetite that includes plenty of good food. She enjoys eating, but she’s not obsessed with it. Right now, her much greater passions are singing and horseback riding.
Emilie worries more about her diet, but that’s because she’s a runner and she wants to win all her races. She is concerned about eating foods that will provide the optimal nutrition for an athlete, not because she’s worried about holding her stomach in.
I think that’s fantastic. Margo Maine helped me think long and hard about the risk of laying my issues on the girls, and I have backed far away from pressuring them. They seem to be doing just fine, and that might be in spite of me, not because of me. They are going to be beautiful women.
I want my girls to see me at peace with eating, and I might just be making progress in becoming a better role model. These days I’m eating more, and I don’t feel hungry all the time.
Today I made myself a sandwich with three eggs, Swiss cheese, and arugula on two big pieces of wheat toast, grilled in olive oil. I didn’t measure the olive oil and I didn’t worry about the fat in the cheese. And I ate all three eggs, including the yolks.
Nora Ephron, it was just what you told me to do. I wish you were still here so I could thank you. I know you’d be happy that I am finally becoming less anxious about what I am going to eat next. Nora, you told me to learn to enjoy food as one of life’s great pleasures, and I am trying to do that.
I want my girls to see me at peace with eating, and I might just be making progress in becoming a better role model. These days I’m eating more, and I don’t feel hungry all the time.—Mika
Nutritionists Sue Gebo and Lisa Powell helped me a lot, too. Their comments about my very rigid diet, and their suggestions about how I can make different choices, helped widen my horizons. I am finding ways to make better choices, and I’m eating a greater variety of food, knowing that I can’t starve myself and I shouldn’t binge, either. I’m giving up the pain of trying to maintain an unnaturally thin body weight. I am wearing a bigger dress size now, and on my good days, I like it. On the good days, I feel a calm I haven’t known before.
Anyone with an eating disorder knows how hard it can be to sustain good behavior. Trust me, I’m still obsessed with food, and I think I am still addicted in some unhealthy ways. But I can’t let down my friends who were generous enough to share their wisdom with Diane and me, and I’m trying to follow their advice. Like Susie Essman, I am finding my power in my work, not my body image. Kate White and Christie Hefner helped me adjust my picture of what beautiful and healthy should look like. Gayle King reminded me that it’s okay to live it up once in a while.
Like Susie Essman, I am finding my power in my work, not my body image. Kate White and Christie Hefner helped me adjust my picture of what beautiful and healthy should look like. Gayle King reminded me that it’s okay to live it up once in a while.—Mika
I’m not sure my parents will be comfortable with some of what I’ve revealed about my ongoing struggle, but I hope they understand that the issues I’ve talked about here were of my own making. Mom and Dad are amazing parents, and did so much to expose me to the many ideas, options, and goals that a rich life can hold, including fantastic food. I always feel the urge to apologize to them for being such a difficult child, but maybe it’s enough for them to know that Carlie and Emilie are getting back at me in spades. I suppose this is just the cycle of life shared between a parent and a child.
Diane and I are the products of an unhealthy generation. We began struggling with food early in our lives as the obesity crisis was emerging in America. The food industry accelerated its marketing, and no one of import stopped to consider the consequences. I didn’t recognize how I had been trapped until Diane and I began this book. Talk about denial: I thought all this research and writing would help Diane get her life back on track. But she made me realize that I had a lot more work to do on myself in order to be able to help anyone else.
I finally took an unflinching look at myself and started a different kind of journey. I expect that I’ll still fall back into unhealthy eating choices in the future, but I am more self-aware and less self-righteous when the topic turns to eating. I won’t let my world be framed by food any longer. My obsession ends today.
Diane and I have come a lot further than we ever thought possible. Telling your friend she’s overweight, and then paying for the tools she needs to lose weight, is at the very least a bit unconventional, and it can certainly threaten a relationship. But as Diane says, “That’s vintage Mika.”
As I’ve revealed in Knowing Your Value and All Things at Once, I rarely take the path most people follow, and things usually work out best for me that way, and sometimes for the people I care most about, too. Diane has lost 75 pounds, and she’s seen a ripple effect in her life. Her husband, Tom, has trimmed down, too, and so have some of their friends. Even their dog has lost weight.
I am in awe of how Diane stepped way out of her comfort zone to write this book. I remember telling her that we would have to bare all to our readers, and I saw her eyes almost bug out of her head. Diane is used to putting a good face on everything she presents to the public, especially on Positively Connecticut, the show she has produced and hosted for more than twenty years. Neither one of us was sure her weight-loss journey was going to be such a positive experience.
But somehow, Diane made it into one. Owning up to the enormity of her issues with eating, and how they had damaged her life and her career, had to have been a gut-wrenching experience. I saw tears well up in her eyes during some of our interviews about weight and prejudice, and I heard comments that made me cringe, too. There were times when I thought she must hate me for putting her through all this.
But the risk was worth it, and we’ve bonded more intensely than ever. I urge everyone reading this to take the same kind of risk. Talk to your friends and the people you love—have the conversation about being obese. Confront them about their health and their weight, and then offer your support. Believe me, it wasn’t easy for Diane and me, but it has been well worth it.
Talk to your friends and the people you love—have the conversation about being obese. Confront them about their health and their weight, and then offer your support.—Mika
I’m not going to shut up now. This book may be coming to a close, but our conversation together is just beginning. I’ll continue to speak out about the obesity crisis in our country, but when you hear me talking about healthy eating on TV, know that I’m not the skinny know-it-all who knows nothing about food obsessions. Know that I am struggling, too.
As for Carlie and Emilie, they’re beautiful just as they are. That’s all they need to know. It took me way too long to understand that about myself, but thanks to my family and friends, better and more beautiful days lie ahead. With all my heart I wish the same for you.