AFRAID OF THE DARK SIDE
Saturday, 2:51 A.M.
I didn’t bother with a toothpick as I sat cross-legged on the kitchen counter in the dark, cradling a cold bowl of thickened chocolate in my lap. Other than the tick of the grandfather clock in the hallway, the house was silent with fury and judgment. As was the cell phone balanced on my thigh.
After Paige had stormed out, my own family left me in the kitchen, alone with a table full of virtually untouched grub. I’d secured the plates of fruit, marshmallows, and cinnamon buns with plastic wrap. Perfectly, too: Every corner was even, every bit of plastic stretched tight enough for me to see my reflection. If I’d wanted to.
I dragged a rock-hard marshmallow chick in figure eights over the fondue skin. I wondered if Paige was asleep. Maybe she was up, too, regretting how overdramatic she’d been. But even as the thought crystallized in my mind, I knew I was wrong. Paige hadn’t been overdramatic. Everything I’d done—all of it—was so, so wrong. I’d gone from being the girl who always told the truth to the girl who could lie too easily. And now everything had come crashing down.
I’d gone way too far. Paige might never forgive me. And the same was true for Zander. When it came to relationships, maybe I just didn’t have it in me to make them last. Maybe I was no better than my coward of a father.
“I hope you’re not planning on leaving that there.” Mom stood in the doorway in her light-pink terrycloth robe, striped pajama pants, and socks.
“Mom! You scared me!”
“Kacey.” Mom gave a sharp nod to the bowl in my lap. I looked down. The marshmallow chick was drowning in the middle of the chocolate.
“Sorry.” I scooped it up, saving it, like I wished someone could save me from this night.
“Can’t sleep?” Mom slid onto the counter next to me.
I shook my head. “Mom—”
“What were you thinking, Kacey?” Mom stared straight ahead, into the dark. “Do you understand what you’ve done here?”
She cut me off with the razor-sharp edge of her disapproval. “I don’t think you do. I think right now, you’re thinking about how Paige and I are angry with you.”
“Well, yeah, but—”
“I don’t think you’ve considered the fact that you used valuable Channel Five resources for what was essentially a prank. I don’t think you’ve thought about the fact that when this gets straightened out, my job could be in jeopardy. Or about how that job is what puts food on our table, since your father contributes absolutely nothing to this family. So maybe you could think about those things for a while.”
“I’m so sorry, Mom.” My body folded into itself. In that moment, I felt like she’d knocked every molecule of air from my body. My stomach heaved like I was going to be sick.
It wasn’t until Mom’s fingers brushed my wet cheek that I realized I’d been crying.
“I know you’re sorry.” She didn’t hug me, but she dabbed beneath my eyes with a rough dish towel. It was the pink-and-white towel I’d crocheted for her at summer camp the year I was six. I didn’t have to see it to know that the pink had faded, the white had dulled to yellowed cream. “And I’m sorry, too.”
“Clearly, you weren’t ready for me to date. We should have talked about this as a family. I wasn’t thinking. I just really thought Gabe could…” Her eyes were glassy in the dark. “I’m sorry.”
Wait. She was sorry? She might as well have stabbed me in the heart with a fondue toothpick. I made some sort of a noise in response. A combination of a wail, a sob, and a desperate plea for forgiveness. Paige was right. I was the most selfish person on Earth. I’d just wrecked my mother’s chance at happiness, and she was apologizing? My sobs overtook me.
“Oh, my sweet, sweet girl.” Mom pulled me in, cradling me against her chest. “You know no matter what you do, I’ll always love you.”
“I’m sorry, Mom.” I heaved into her robe. “Really. I can talk to Gabe, or—”
“It’s too late, Kacey. But if you’re this upset, maybe it’s for the best.”
I curled up in a ball and buried my face in her lap, tears streaming while she stroked my hair and whispered over and over the words I didn’t deserve to hear.
“No matter what you do, I’ll always love you.”