why doing the right thing is the right thing to do
(Raising Ethics—Śīla)
Lessons in ethics and morality may not have been what you had in mind when you picked up this book. Even the phrase “family values” smacks of hypocrisy. And if you are anything like me, you might think, “I’m already ethical! I drive an environmentally friendly car (when I have to drive at all), I recycle, I practice nonviolence and honesty, and I’m generally a do-gooder. What more do I need to learn about ethics?” Well, personally, the more deeply I have studied this issue, the more important and nuanced I’ve found ethics to be.
To start, what we’re calling ethics are simply guidelines that promote everyone’s safety and well-being. The Indian term for ethics is śīla, which means “cool and peaceful,” like a tree that shelters everyone with its shade. So, ethics in this context is about protecting ourselves, our families, our communities, and our planet. Think about it—when people feel safe, they are far less likely to misbehave or harm others physically or emotionally. When we protect others, we protect ourselves and our families in the process. Likewise, when we skillfully protect ourselves and our families through ethical behavior, we protect others.
Ethical behavior allows us to live in harmony with ourselves, our families, and our communities. For ourselves, when our actions match our words, we live with integrity and without the discomfort of cognitive dissonance. Harmony in our families means we understand and take care of each other. And when we agree on and follow the rules of our community, we know where we stand and can feel safe. Ethical living means we offer everyone safety, comfort, and protection. When we apply wisdom to ethics, we begin to understand how we are all interconnected, that harming others harms us, and how acting skillfully becomes more clear and straightforward. We could also call this karma or just simple common sense.
We can also think of ethics like a guardrail that helps us know where the edge is; it’s a barrier that keeps us from going over the brink when we get too close. With our children, this might take the form of clear and consistent boundaries, which are key in raising resilient, thriving children. But I’m astonished at how many parents (myself included) have trouble with this idea; instead, we regularly overreact or underreact to our kids’ behavior. We might tell our kids to calm down before making a major decision, even as we forget to calm down before doling out a consequence to our kids. This confuses kids even more when we make threats that we clearly won’t follow through with (“We’re getting rid of the dog if you don’t walk it!”) or have to walk back similarly huge consequences for minor transgressions because they occurred on our bad day. Every one of us can get caught off guard, but we can also learn to better recognize when our own emotional buttons are pushed. Or we can take a break and tell the kids we need to think things over and talk things through, thus saving effort in the long run. Doing so also promotes consistency, feelings of safety, and a whole lot less regret.
Ethics isn’t just about concepts or words. Like the values covered in the rest of this book, ethics is about getting off your cushion and living those principles as a family. That means doing what’s right, not just avoiding what’s wrong. Here’s a helpful formula for ethical action: first, ask if a particular action will hurt others; then, ask if it will help others. If the answer is unclear, check in with your intuition—your “gut.”
The Five Precepts
All spiritual and wisdom traditions come with commandments, laws, or guidelines, though these might vary in details and incentives—the afterlife, blessings for future generations, a higher rebirth, or better physical and mental health. Buddhism has five precepts that overlap with most other spiritual traditions; these precepts are meant as aspirations to be followed as opposed to commandments. They are more about guidance than governance. Similarly, we want our children to develop their own inner moral compass. In the end, we want them to do the least harm to themselves and others in this already dangerous world and to move in the direction of healing it.
Each precept entails a proscriptive side (unskillful actions to refrain from) and a prescriptive side (skillful and wholesome thoughts, words, and deeds to perform).
1. Don’t kill or hurt living creatures. Support and protect life.
2. Don’t steal or take things that aren’t offered. Only take what you need, and always give your fair share.
3. Don’t lie, gossip, or mislead people. Speak gently, speak the truth, and speak important truths.
4. Don’t abuse or harmfully indulge in your sexual energy. Use it wisely, kindly, and generously to create joy and connection.
5. Don’t become intoxicated. Nourish yourself in ways that cultivate clarity and wisdom.
Again, the idea is not for these precepts to be rules that we will invariably fall short of, but aspirations to be our best. The reality is that we don’t always know in each moment what to do or how to be our best, but if we can decide from our best self in that moment, then the outcome is likely to be a good one for us and those around us. Consider the cultivation metaphor: some seeds will blossom on their own, but to thrive, many plants need to grow on a structure like a trellis. That trellis is precisely what the precepts provide.
Let’s look at each one in a bit more depth.
1. Don’t kill or hurt living creatures. Support and protect life.
It’s no surprise that this precept comes first. Even though most of us probably aren’t out there wantonly harming others, we should bear in mind that this precept refers to refraining from violence not just in action but also in speech and thought. This includes when we consciously or unconsciously perpetuate emotional violence.
Supporting and protecting life includes supporting the well-being of our ecosystem and planet. There are many ways to teach our children that life is sacred. We might help them care for a pet or garden or encourage them to not stomp on ants or wantonly yank petals off flowers. I can still remember a tree in my grandparents’ yard. It was perfect for climbing, but it required me to stand atop a milk crate to reach the lowest branch. So I asked my grandfather if I could hammer some wood into the trunk to make a ladder. He patiently pointed out that it would hurt the tree and that it would take only a little bit more effort on my part to use the milk crate to reach those first branches. I would not have given hurting the tree a second thought had my grandfather not taken the time to talk with me about it.
When we first learn these precepts, questions often arise—for example, “Can I kill the ants in my house?” We can ponder questions like these forever, but a wiser use of our energy is to maintain a clean house so that ants will keep away in the first place. Part of ethical behavior is creating the conditions under which such dilemmas are less likely to arise.
I hope it goes without saying that following precepts like these ideally involves right action without self-righteousness. I remember a woman smugly asking Thich Nhat Hanh, “Shouldn’t we all be vegans?” He paused, smiled patiently, and suggested that the woman do what is best for her, keeping in mind that absolute attachment to the precepts can generate more suffering for us and others. He also pointed out that if we carry the logic too far, we couldn’t eat steamed vegetables, because doing so would mean killing bacteria and the vegetables themselves. What I heard was another reminder to challenge ourselves to do our best, while aiming for a reasonable middle path.
Many families have grown concerned about the epidemic of bullying. Growing up, I and many of my friends were the children of peace activists and were admonished against physical aggression. And yet, we experienced (and engaged in) frequent “relational bullying”—a term that didn’t exist at the time. Even while I was staunchly opposed to physical violence, I look back and cringe at the psychological cruelty I inflicted on others, not realizing the impact at the time. Sticks and stones may break our bones, but being excluded or called names actually hits the same pain receptors as physical pain. This is true whether people are bullied in person or online. We may think that our kids would never be unkind, but consider that studies find that meanness and appearance are the best predictors of popularity in teenage girls. In teen boys, these predictors are substance abuse and an objectifying attitude toward women.1
Although humans can be aggressive, we don’t need to fear such feelings. It may actually be healthier to examine them more closely. In one surprising study, preschoolers who played aggressively with their toys by themselves were actually less aggressive with peers, perhaps because they practiced regulating their aggressive impulses.2 If your child’s play concerns you, take a page from play therapists. Join children in their world, get curious about the characters in their storyline, find out why they are aggressive, and brainstorm other ways they could resolve their differences. When it comes to aggressive physical play, some experts believe that safe roughhousing can help kids build better social and executive function skills.3 I detested roughhousing and wrestling as a child, but as a father, I’ve been surprised at how much my own son enjoys the close physical contact that comes with rolling around on the floor together. I’ve found this activity a wonderful opportunity to feel physical closeness, have fun, laugh, and practice being both loving and careful.
reflection When do you and your family tend to respond with aggression in thought, speech, and behavior? What are your family’s values about physically and emotionally aggressive play? How does your family differentiate aggression (and violence) from playing or joking around, whether physically or verbally?
2. Don’t steal or take things that aren’t offered. Only take what you need, and always give your fair share.
While chapter 7 will examine honesty more closely, let’s take a quick look here at some of the ways we might take things from others that aren’t freely offered. Although we may not be raiding our children’s piggy bank or college fund, we might unconsciously take from them by undermining their independence, self-esteem, and confidence. We might also take from their time, affection, energy, and care in ways we don’t always realize. We could also investigate how we take what is not freely offered from our spouse or even ourselves.
We can expand this reflection, of course, to consider our local and global community. Do the resources we use come to us fairly? Are we contributing our fair share to our communities by paying our taxes honestly and showing up to city council and PTO meetings? Research also reveals that we are more likely to bend the rules if doing so benefits our families.4 Thus, we should consider what message we’re sending our children when we ask for special treatment or otherwise game the system on their behalf.
3. Don’t lie, gossip, or mislead people. Speak gently, speak the truth, and speak important truths.
As above, we’ll look at this precept more in chapter 7. I do think it’s important to bear in mind that “right” speech in this context also means “effective” speech. I believe that the guidelines for practicing healthy speech serve that purpose. The Buddha suggested that before we speak we should reflect on whether what we are about to say is true, kind, gentle, and timely. Here, I’ve adapted the popular acronym THINK (before you speak) with some slight variations:
Is it true?
Is it helpful?
Am I the one to say it?
Is it necessary, now?
Is it kind?
Is it true? First and foremost, we want to speak the truth whenever possible to avoid harming ourselves or others. Lying usually comes from an attempt to defend our self-image and identity, or ego, which only causes more suffering. At a more nuanced level, we want to speak important truths that help others.
Is it helpful? We may want to reflect on what we are about to say and determine whether it will actually be of benefit. When we gossip or offer certain kinds of feedback to those we love (or don’t), the words we choose might very well be true, but they might not exactly be helpful.
Am I the one to say it? Some statements may be true and helpful, but they also may be none of our business. As a therapist, I often am the one to say it, but in other roles in my life, I’m not. Gentle feedback might be better received from a coach than from a parent, and I’m certainly not going to be the one to teach my son calculus. On the other hand, I am often the best person in the family to explain something emotionally challenging or to break bad news to my child.
Is it necessary, now? Even when the above criteria are met, we can ask ourselves if what we want to say is actually necessary. Sometimes we speak just to fill the space or alleviate our anxiety with chatter. In my training as a therapist, I learned to use the acronym WAIT (Why Am I Talking?) before I would speak. When we don’t first stop to think, we can inhibit a moment of budding insight or put our words in someone’s mouth or even just say something entirely unnecessary. Silence can offer rare opportunities for intimate moments, especially when we’re just listening, rather than waiting for our turn to speak.
One of my own habits I’m trying to break is gossip. Talking about others might involve truth, but rarely is it necessary. Bragging is also often true but not exactly needed, and it is almost always annoying. “N” also stands for now—keep in mind that timing is everything.
Is it kind? The old adage “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” fits nicely here. Most people, especially children, are likely to be most receptive to new ideas when they are explained patiently and kindly. Adolescents often default to negativity rather than kindness when trying to connect. It can be a lot easier to agree that something (or someone) is “lame” than to take a risk and suggest that something is “cool” or interesting. We adults are not always more evolved or mature in this regard.
Practicing or teaching the THINK guidelines in speech can prove challenging, but doing so is surprisingly effective. Right speech also means effective speech, and I believe these guidelines can help us all be effective communicators when we honor all the concepts. Following this THINK practice can also bring some interesting discoveries. For example, how much do we really have to say? Imagine if these were the rules for political debates?
reflection How much of your speech involves talking about other people? In conversation, how much do you connect with others around positive things (as opposed to negative topics or comments)? Which of these five THINK guidelines do you and your family find most challenging?
4. Don’t abuse or harmfully indulge in your sexual energy. Use it wisely, kindly, and generously to create connection and joy.
Of all the precepts, this may be the one that’s the most difficult to talk about, especially since many of us live with shame or even trauma about sexuality. We may also struggle to find common ground with our children as they discover and assert their sexual preferences and identities, even as social norms undergo rapid change. Factoring in the variety of familial, religious, and social norms, the rules and expectations around our sexuality add a lot of emotional charge to what constitutes “best use” of our powerful sexual energies.
Let’s begin by looking at some of the most obvious illustrations of what’s considered sexual misconduct. For parents, misusing sexual energy often means acting outside of the agreements of our relationship. Doing so may result in instability, mistrust, anger, and sadness in our family.
Sexual misconduct not only hurts families; it can also wound entire communities. In my own church growing up, I saw the damage committed by my own priest firsthand. This type of misconduct harms individuals while also sending out ripples of suspicion, shame, and confusion into the larger community. Such behavior has damaged and destroyed countless spiritual communities of every stripe.
Of course, there are other less damaging day-to-day examples of the misuse of sexual energy. While working at a teen retreat a few years ago, Charlie, one of the older teens, admitted that he would often start flirting with someone he found physically attractive before actually getting to know them. “I’m not seeing them as a whole person; just as an object,” Charlie confessed. “And I’m probably not showing my most authentic self either, but showing what I think they want to see.” How many of us adults can admit to the same behavior with Charlie’s honesty? Even as adults, we may unconsciously flirt with colleagues or others in our lives. Well before it crosses a relational boundary, this type of behavior can distract us from authentic connection with that person, as well as with our family.
We want to teach our kids about sex in a positive way at the right time, rather than keeping the topic shrouded in secrecy or shame. But these days, the right time may come earlier than we might expect. In the age of the Internet, kids typically get exposed to pornography around age eleven. How many of us would rather our kids learn about sexuality from anywhere but pornography? As adults, our job is to teach children not only the physical aspects of sex, but the personal and emotional ones as well. As they get older, we can explain the social and political aspects of sex and how sexuality is misused to shame, control, or scapegoat people. Thankfully, the younger generation seems to have an easier time discussing all of this than many of us do.
Teaching Children about Consent and Boundaries
Consent might be the most important aspect of sexuality we can teach our children. Studies indicate that one in four women on college campuses experiences some form of sexual assault, and far more experience assault within their lifetime.5 Men, too, bear the shame and stigma of having been assaulted. Worse, our culture tends to minimize and deny sexual assault, while blaming those who do come forward. Although this culture of shame and cover-up is slowly moving toward a healthier culture of affirmative consent, we still have a long way to go. The challenge comes in teaching young people about consent and boundaries—not in a shaming and frightening way, but in an open, empowering, and sex-positive way.
These conversations are not easy. However, part of right speech means talking openly and plainly about sex, sexuality, and consent. For some of us, this may be as uncomfortable as it is for our kids, often due to our own histories. But it may also be an opportunity to educate ourselves alongside our children, to stop passing shame and confusion to the next generation, and to remind us all that sex is a normal and pleasurable part of life.
The younger we can start teaching our children about consent in nonsexual behavior, the more likely they will carry such an understanding into sexual behavior as they become sexually aware and active. Children as young as three or four can begin to understand that not saying no isn’t the same as saying yes. (The Good Men Project has an excellent article about teaching kids consent, which inspired some of the ideas here.6) We can also teach our children to respect when playmates say no or want to stop playing, as well as empowering them to say “no” or “stop” in all kinds of other situations. Likewise, we can teach and model that “yes means yes” in different types of play by checking in with them before, during, and after games. Of course, we can include ourselves in that circle of consent, asking and respecting our kids when they really want us to stop tickling or when roughhousing isn’t fun anymore. We adults can even practice taking time-outs ourselves.
Parents, teachers, and childcare workers can also explain nonverbal cues. For example, if your child’s friend says she is having fun but looks overwhelmed or tired, you can help your child see the mismatch between those two messages. This is an important emotional intelligence skill in any situation, of course, but it becomes especially important when playing with younger kids, new kids, or kids with less power.
When we model saying “no” and meaning it, we are setting firm, consistent boundaries. When we model accepting “stop” for an answer, we model empowerment and show that saying “no” is not only okay but also normal. This modeling teaches our children that everyone has permission to stop and remove consent when they feel like it. It also teaches them patience, respecting other people’s boundaries, and being comfortable with setting their own. We want to remind kids that choices about their body are theirs, just as other people’s bodies belong to themselves.
When we use this proactive (rather than reactive) approach, we can help kids pause and be less impulsive in all of their behavior. This approach also offers nonshaming lessons in healthy boundaries and communication.
Talking to Children about Sex
If our kids feel shameful talking about sex, they may find it even more difficult to ask appropriate questions. Shame can also make it harder when teens do become sexually active to hear what someone else is asking for, to ask for what they want or don’t want with a future partner, or to report sexual misconduct. By making sex difficult to talk about in our culture, we create conditions not only for unfulfilling experiences but also for actual violations. One tragedy of our patriarchal system is the lack of transparency and justice for survivors of sexual assault. Young people often feel afraid to share a bad experience due to stigma, shame, or fear. To make matters worse, when survivors do open up about their experiences, families and friendships can be torn apart as people take sides or are unsupportive. I’ve worked with survivors and their families for years (as well as with perpetrators and their families), and I’ve witnessed so many kinds of suffering from sexual misconduct as it ripples outward.
Even before kids become sexually active or curious, we can demystify sex by talking about it in basic physical and emotional terms. When we demystify sex, we destigmatize it. By doing so, we remove the shame and empower kids to understand their own bodies. Kids can become more aware of what feels good to them and what doesn’t, even in non-sexual ways. From there, they can understand the relationship between physical and emotional feelings.
As children explore their bodies as toddlers, use anatomical language rather than nicknames when referring to their genitals. Kids should also learn the functions of their different body parts. Ideally, they do this by looking through books or talking with you or a pediatrician about it. In this way, they also learn where to get accurate information the next time they are curious, rather than looking into questionable sources online or elsewhere.
As we have more frank sex talks with our children into middle school, we lay the groundwork for discussing affirmative consent in “yes means yes” terms in an extension of childhood play norms. On top of that, the mechanics of sex are already understood, and hopefully we are now all feeling more comfortable with the conversation. At this point, it might be time to talk with your children about birth control and protection from sexually transmitted infections (STIs), as well as the emotional aspects of sexual activity.
In addition, it’s important to expose children to diverse models of beauty and relationships, as well as a range of models of masculinity and femininity. As adolescence approaches, we might listen to the language kids use to talk about their own bodies and those of other people in respectful ways, encouraging them to see beyond objectification. When our kids express an interest (friendship or otherwise) in others, we can discuss and ask about what nonphysical attributes are also attractive—for example, sense of humor, athletic skill, or intellectual prowess. I vividly remember the moment in middle school when my friends were referring to girls in our grade as “bitches.” I actually wondered, Are they serious, or are they just imitating the music we listen to? In retrospect, it didn’t matter; it was still objectifying. I didn’t speak up then, but I wish someone had told me that doing so would have been okay and that I probably wasn’t the only one feeling uncomfortable in that room.
Although these conversations can be difficult, families that avoid them tend to have kids with higher rates of unplanned pregnancies, STIs, and possibly even sexual assault. In other words, those few minutes of discomfort will be worth it. Not only will we encourage our children to be happier and safer, we’ll also help create a safer and more enlightened world for future generations.
reflection What values did you grow up with around sexuality? What did you learn about sexual ethics and consent from family, adults, or society? How have these messages changed, and what might you pass on (or not pass on) to your family? What would you want your grown children to understand about sexual ethics?
5. Don’t become intoxicated. Nourish yourself in ways that cultivate clarity and wisdom.
This precept might seem obvious when it comes to caring for our children. We are far more likely to put our families in danger and to screw up the other precepts if we are intoxicated. Alcohol and drugs take time, money, and presence away from our families, as I see all the time in my work. To make matters worse, when we use intoxicants, we encourage others around us to do so. Even if those around us are not using, they may become clouded by the strong emotional reactions of confusion, fear, and denial that our intoxication can cause.
When we become parents, we may need to change our behaviors and habits and respectfully encourage others to do so as well. My parents and many of their generation cite us (their children) as the reason they quit smoking. That was beneficial for our parents, of course, but it also had a positive influence on our generation. For some of us, there may be difficult conversations with relatives around their substance use. My wife and I had to confront our relatives about their level of drinking (which occasionally begins in the morning)—not just for our child’s physical safety, but also because of the message it communicates to the rest of us about how much our in-laws want to be present.
Of course, this precept doesn’t just refer to alcohol and drugs. Spiritual teachers remind us that various types of consumption can also cloud the mind. The media we watch, the music we listen to, and the company we keep can all affect our views on violence, sex and sexuality, and substance use, as well as honesty and the other values addressed in this book. I’m sure we’ve all seen children become more aggressive after playing certain games or watching particular movies. I even notice how my driving changes when I listen to angry music. If we adults find ourselves changed by music or video games, imagine how that rewires a young brain.
One of the most influential studies on media violence was Albert Bandura’s infamous “Bobo experiment,” which resulted in children violently attacking an inflatable clown doll after watching videos of adults (or even cartoons) doing the same.7 The kids whacked the doll at twice the rate of those children who did not see the video, and some even attacked a live person dressed as clown! As most parents know, children learn more by what we do than what we say. Thus, the point is not to label media (or other substances) as inherently good or bad, but to be mindful of what we do and how we talk about it with our kids. Search out television programs that show far more acts of kindness than violence or video games that encourage cooperation, and talk about what you watch, play, and read.
One of my favorite activities with kids is to play happy music, sad music, silly music, and angry music. We carefully listen to each type and notice the feelings in our bodies and minds. We also pay attention to how the music changes our impulses.
Kids and Substances
As a therapist, I regularly deal with the topic of kids and drugs. My internal gauge on substances may be off because of my own history with substances. I struggled with drugs as a young man until my early twenties, when I decided to take a route of abstinence and recovery. That being said, I know plenty of kids who experiment with drugs without endangering themselves emotionally, legally, or physically. But using substances undeniably raises these risks. The most important thing, in my experience, is to speak plainly and honestly with children about the risks of using substances.
When my kids are old enough, we will explain to them our family’s difficulties with addiction and how they relate to our family’s current values. I will also present the latest understanding of addiction, that it emerges from three factors: genetics, psychological experiences, and exposure. As parents, we only have some influence over two of these factors. But I’ve found kids surprisingly receptive to the knowledge that the earlier someone begins using drugs, the worse the impact on brain and emotional development and the higher the likelihood of addiction. This also holds true for alcohol, pornography, gambling, screen time, or any other behaviors that can become compulsive. The good news about a young brain is it can learn and adapt quickly; the bad news is that it can become more easily wired for addiction.
But here, too, perhaps a middle path is preferred. Amish and Mennonite communities that practice the Rumspringa rite of passage might be on to something. Their young adults go to live outside of their traditional community, which often involves a year or two of decadence; most of those kids then return to the fold and resume the spiritual path of their upbringing.8 Perhaps the U.S. college system is not so different, which may be why gap years or time off for kids to “get it out of their system” (or simply let their prefrontal lobes develop) before they step into the responsibilities of adulthood can be so positive.
In various spiritual traditions, substances play every role from sin to sacrament. The precepts and many spiritual traditions are fairly explicit on this front, though many on the spiritual path are far from teetotalers—often infamously so. Perhaps with substances, as with everything, it makes the most sense to aim for the middle path. Even when right and wrong are not so clear externally, we can look inward to discover what is right for us. With substances, that answer is clearly different for each of us. Likewise, we want our children to learn their limits and what is right for them, but we also want to make sure they don’t become another statistic of alcohol poisoning at college or another casualty of the drug epidemic.
If you do worry about your family, I find a few questions useful when assessing substance use that also help kids reflect on why they are using. For starters, one of the best predictors of how much kids are using is to ask how much their friends use. I also ask how they would know whether a friend is using too often or too much and what their plan is for those situations. I encourage kids to reflect on ways their friends’ behaviors change under the influence in terms of judgment, coordination, aggression, and reading social and sexual cues. I also ask how it affects their friends’ values. I then ask kids to reflect on these questions for themselves. I try to get curious about what they like and don’t like about using, and I invite them to consider what other activities might give them the same feelings they gain from using but without the associated risks.
I also worry about kids with very high tolerances. Depending on their current level of safety, I may not lead right away by telling them to stop altogether. Instead, I’ll suggest that they try stopping for a week or two to notice what happens. If that’s too hard for them, I’ll suggest going to a party but not drinking right away; instead, I ask them to notice what those five minutes (or one or two) are like before they grab a beer, take a shot, or hit the vape. If that’s all they can do, we talk about the discomfort in those minutes of sobriety. Doing so reveals quite a bit about why kids use and the degree to which they feel they are in control. Of course, I also always urge kids to use a designated driver, but I go one step further—I encourage them to have a designated sober person who can retain sound judgment in the event of a bad situation.
reflection What are your experiences and values as they relate to drugs and alcohol? Have they changed since becoming a parent? What do you consider healthy experimentation, and what do you consider dangerous use for yourself and your kids? How do you think you and your partner will respond to your child’s experimentation? What models do you and your kids have for moderation?
At some point in Mahatma Gandhi’s life, a mother brought her son to see him about her son’s affinity for sweets. “Will you please tell my son to stop eating so many sweets?” she begged. Gandhi listened, reflected, and politely asked her to return in two weeks. In the meantime, the son continued to eat his sweets, and the mother fumed the entire time, right up until they returned. This time Gandhi looked the young boy in the eyes and said, “Son, those sweets will rot your teeth, and you should stop eating them at once.” The boy nodded and told the master he would do his best. The mother leaned in and asked, “Why did I have to wait two weeks for that?” The old man smiled. “Well, you see, it took me all of the last two weeks to break the habit myself.” To me, this story demonstrates the importance of showing—not telling—our children the way.
Staying on Track
We live with happiness, integrity, and internal harmony when our beliefs, words, and actions line up. However, when how we think, speak, and act don’t align, we experience what psychologists call cognitive dissonance. This discomfort puts pressure on our unconscious minds to come back into balance—we either unconsciously try to get caught (think of all the scandals involving righteous politicians and religious leaders) or create mental justifications for the dissonance, which then becomes a slippery slope toward more unethical behavior. When we act unethically or immorally, it also damages us psychologically. Researchers call this moral injury—a condition related to the post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that perpetrators of violence and trauma experience.
As humans, we all make mistakes, often even in front of our families. When this happens, we should own it with our kids, so they can learn to own it themselves. I’ve worked with many families who wonder why their kids don’t apologize or take responsibility for their actions, when the parents rarely embody these behaviors themselves. Other parents try to avoid arguing in front of their kids; although that may be wise, parents’ fighting is not itself a problem for kids—it’s the type of fighting and whether parents can model the repair and apologies afterward.
reflection Which of the five precepts in this chapter would you find hardest to practice in your own life or with your family? Which is the most difficult to talk openly about with your children? Do you find it hard to model mistakes and repairs in front of your family?
Even in challenging times, we can create the conditions under which we and our families are most likely to act ethically. Studies show that in a psychological principle known as ego depletion, we are more likely to slide ethically when our prefrontal cortex is short on glucose from exhaustion in some way.9 Simply put, when we practice self-care through rest, healthy living, and stress management, we are likely to be at our best. Remembering to HALT (checking to see if we are hungry, angry, anxious, lonely, or tired) can help. We can also be mindful of situations in which we are more likely to act out, particularly anonymous situations like driving, posting comments online, or even wearing helmets in sports or costumes at Halloween. This is why the fifth precept is so important.
Explicit or subtle reminders of ethical behaviors can serve a purpose. Adherents of many spiritual traditions wear particular clothing or jewelry to remind them of their values, from hats to beads to under-garments. A particular park in Japan had a significant litter problem for years, and signs forbidding litter didn’t seem to help. However, when the park managers placed Shinto symbols around, littering was reduced significantly in an effect that was dubbed “divine prevention.”10 While I’m not advocating putting religious icons around in public, posting symbolic reminders that work for you and your family might be worth considering, such as artwork that symbolizes your family’s values or a photo of a teacher or relative who embodies ethics.
The Middle Path
When writing a book about values, it’s a challenge to not be too perfectionistic, literal, or self-righteous. No one enjoys the ethical nag, the self-righteous scold, or the pious Pollyanna. We know we can’t be perfectly ethical at every moment; however, it also doesn’t help to ignore the issue altogether. We have to form some positive relationship with the prescriptive side of ethics without clinging too tightly to the issue. Our sense of ethics works like a muscle—we can strengthen it with practice, but we can also wear it out from overexertion. Perhaps this is why we see so many supposed exemplars of ethics fall from grace. Studies have even found that ethicists themselves are less ethical than the general population!11
A friend of mine worked at an ultraprogressive school for gifted children, a safe space for kids who had been bullied for their more “nerdy” qualities. But he once had to intervene when one boy was bullied because he brought sugary snacks to school instead of the organic tofu snacks that his classmates brought in their recycled lunch boxes. Were these kids bullying the boy out of actual concern for his health, or were they merely acting out the more exclusive and tribal aspects of human behavior? Consider also the phenomenon of “moral licensing,” on display when people tend to buy more junk food when shopping with reusable canvas bags12 or when they purchase more beer or ice cream after picking up healthier options like kale.13 We seem to think that our karma will balance out and we can then “spend” it on less-than-ideal behaviors. As always, it’s a better option to follow the middle path. Nina Mažar, an associate professor of marketing at the University of Toronto, believes that the more we tie our identity and ego to virtue, the more likely we are to succumb to moral licensing. The best way to develop a habit of ethical behavior is to make it a habit without taking overt pride in it and without letting ego get heavily involved.14
The point is, being too strict with ourselves or our kids can backfire. Overly strict, “authoritarian” parenting styles come with their own problems, including children who are better liars!15 One high school senior I worked with had parents who were so controlling of her money that they demanded receipts for every purchase she made. When her mom found the girl taking a twenty out of her purse, there was no excuse, and yet the conditions were ripe for the girl to steal the money to assert her independence about her decisions. We need to allow some give with our children, because there will definitely be some take. We want to raise kids to recognize the principles behind rules rather than the exact letter of the law. Again, consider a guardrail on the highway. If the guardrail is too close to the road, we are more likely to scrape against it, and that doesn’t really keep us safe either. Having ethical standards allows us to know when those standards are slipping. Our ethics can also teach us about ourselves, especially when we are under stress or when no one else is watching.
reflection What are some ways your ethical guardrails can teach you about your spiritual condition? What are your triggers and red flags for slipping into behaviors you aren’t proud of?
Consistency as Ethical Behavior
We like our coworkers, friends, and politicians to be consistent, and we know that the best thing we can give our kids for stable emotional development is consistency. But doing so can prove challenging when we are constantly told by the media, in-laws, and other parents that we are doing the wrong thing and should try something new. Choosing the right brand of baby toothpaste is confusing enough, but it’s nothing compared to the choices in sleep training, discipline, and feeding, all of which come free with the judgment of others! I am often astonished at the size and diversity of the bookstore’s parenting section, and I’m baffled by how much conflicting advice it contains, as well as how rare it is to have this advice backed with actual science. In our culture of choice and diversity, it seems like each year offers a new bestseller extolling the virtues of so-called Asian parenting, French parenting, Danish parenting, Mexican parenting, and so on. And here I am offering this book on parenting with Eastern wisdom. If all of these works have great points to make, how do we choose among them?
When I started out as a therapist, I relied a lot on a trusted supervisor’s thoughts on parenting styles. He had three kids and is a child development guy. For each of his children, he used a different method of sleep training, and even a different style of parenting. Turns out, each kid is fine, because each kid is different. But whatever parenting approach you pick, whichever therapist’s advice you follow or book you read that resonates for you, stick it out for a while with your co-parent, checking in with each other and a trusted expert. The most confusing thing for kids is an inconsistent approach, where the parents switch up their style every few months with the latest fad. And it’s not even just chasing fads—it’s hard to be consistent, and once again you don’t have to be perfect, just consistent enough.
Consistency is especially important when it comes to discipline.16 Consequences should be clear and predictable. So kids can connect them to the event, they are ideally timely and reflect or include natural consequences that the “real world” would offer. If you do need to switch gears and try a new approach to discipline, stick with it and keep communicating with your partner. New behavior plans with kids almost inevitably make matters worse before they get better, so expect that. Any strong action leads to a strong reaction, whether it’s in behavior or particle physics. Give yourselves a few weeks or a month to follow through with the change—not just a few days—and try to be as patient and compassionate with yourself and your co-parent. Your child’s behavior has likely been conditioned over years, so it will take time to change.
Ethical Dilemmas
External guides such as precepts, commandments, and family rules are useful, but they only get us so far when things get sticky. When that happens, we need to turn to our teachers and our own inner wisdom for help. In the end, our ethics have to come from a balance of within and without, so that they are rule-guided rather than rule-governed. Ideally, this will carry over into the lives of our children and how they follow their own ethics.
In my work and home life, I’m not always sure what’s the right thing to do. In those situations, I find it helpful to look at the issue from the other side—that is, I try to get clear on what the wrong approaches are. What happens when I choose to take the easy way out? What results from me spending too much time at work or on the Internet? What comes from me lashing out in anger? I also find that doing nothing is sometimes the right action, but I can’t do nothing as a passive choice—it must be an active decision.
Even so, the best action is often unclear. In those cases, it’s helpful for me to recall a story about the Buddha’s relationship with his own son, Rāhula. The Buddha advised his son to reflect on the consequences of his actions three times—before, during, and after. He also told Rāhula to investigate whether the actions served all beings, including himself. So if I want to know if a particular behavior is ethical for me, I try this out, and then I meditate about it later to contemplate how I would feel if my own child acted that way. You can do this, too. Try sitting on your meditation cushion after you lie to your partner or snap at your kids. For me, doing so erodes my tendency toward smug self-satisfaction; often within a few minutes, I either want to quit meditating or make amends and restore harmony.
Most spiritual and philosophical traditions encourage self-reflection, particularly when our lives get messy or rough. Maybe we should rephrase our “Go to your room and think about what you’ve done!” to “Go to your room and think about what you are going to do, and think about it as you are doing it, and then after you do that, think about what you’ve done, and also think about how what you’ve done has affected others.” That may not be entirely realistic, but the point is that reflection doesn’t have to be heavy or guilt-ridden. It can even be fun to exercise our ethical muscles with hypothetical scenarios. Ethical debates can really get a family conversation going at the dinner table. Try these questions and see what happens:
• Is it right to steal if you can’t afford food?
• Is it okay to break the speed limit if you are rushing to the hospital?
• How hard should you look for the owner of a lost toy? If you don’t find the owner, is it okay to keep the toy?
• If a store clerk charges you too little for a purchase, should you mention it?
Discuss ethical conundrums that occur in real life, too. You’ll surely encounter these in your child’s social life, their English and history textbooks, current events, and even music.
Conclusion: Why Ethics Help Our Children Thrive
The wisdom and science behind ethics are simple: when we act skillfully, we feel good and whole, and we don’t suffer from the nagging cognitive dissonance or fear of being caught doing something harmful. As the saying goes, “When I do good I feel good, when I do bad I feel bad, and that’s my religion.” Our children can learn this guiding principle for themselves, but in the meantime, they learn more from our actions than from our words.
We can all make ethical behavior a habit. By thinking, speaking, and acting skillfully today, we and our children will be more likely to think, speak, and act skillfully tomorrow—it’s that simple. We can create conditions that make it less likely for us to commit unskillful actions and make it easy to act with kindness and respect. Spiritual teachings and the research on ethics suggest that moral guidelines are not about restricting us; they are actually about giving us a clearer path to freedom and happiness.
Of course, we can’t expect our children to be as ethically sophisticated as adults are supposed to be. As humans, we develop morally as we age, and a number of different theories explain this process. Sigmund Freud asserted that the superego develops at around the age of five as a type of conscience to hold the primitive id in check.17 More recently, we have come to understand that the prefrontal cortex—the so-called seat of our moral compass—doesn’t finish developing until early adulthood. So be patient! Your kids will invariably act selfish, at least for a while!
Parenthood means finding the right balance between letting our children grow into who they naturally are and encouraging them to be a certain way. Change doesn’t only happen through force. When it comes to parenting, force and shame are blunt instruments with short-term gains and long-term problems. Lasting change at the individual and societal level comes through ahimsa—nonviolence—as evidenced by the brave efforts of Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., and countless others. In their cases, nonviolence worked because it brought out the best in their adversaries and encouraged all parties to compromise from a place of wisdom, rather than fear. Likewise, we want to bring out the best in our families and encourage them to bring out the best in others as they mature and encounter the inevitable conflicts and confusions of life.