The most common conversation I had when I was pregnant for the second time began something along the lines of, ‘Aw, congratulations! And you’ve a wee boy already – bet you’re hoping for a girl this time.’
Actually, that’s a lie. With permanent morning sickness, the manoeuvrability of a Portakabin and a new familiarity with creams that go in places nothing should ever go, the most common conversation included the words ‘never again’, ‘celibacy’ and ‘snip’.
But back to the girl thing. In truth, after six years of fertility treatment that included hormone treatments, countless medical procedures and more mood swings than a temperamental pendulum, I was just thrilled that I’d somehow managed to defy my dodgy ovaries and have one child and another on the way. I would have been equally grateful, thrilled and excited whether I had a boy or a girl.
But I have to admit, another wee guy was a gorgeous, not to mention pragmatic, prospect. I already had all the blue stuff and knew all the words to the Spiderman theme tune. And, let’s face it, throughout history there have been many examples of the unbreakable bonds and great things achieved by brothers: the Wright brothers invented the aeroplane, the Grimm brothers became legends in the literary world, and, most significantly of all, the Kemp brothers sang ‘True’, and that’s the best snogging song ever recorded.
So when one of my girlfriends announced this week that she’s having her second boy, I was thrilled for her and more than happy to pass on the nuggets of wisdom I’ve picked up over the last five years as mother of two small men. It’s been a profound experience that has helped me grow as a person and reach a whole new level of karmic spirituality, as demonstrated by the fact that I can now name all of Bob the Builder’s crew and list the top-ten threats to the galaxy in alphabetical order.
Things that having two boys has taught me:
1. There are 2,654 uses in the English language of the word ‘pump’. All of them side-splittingly hilarious to males under four feet tall.
2. I am destined to sit on a wet toilet seat for the rest of my life.
3. Farting is not a bodily function, it’s a form of entertainment surpassed only by surreptitious nose picking and anything to do with mud.
4. The best time to announce that you’ve learned a new swear word is in a crowded shop. Ditto asking mum to explain words relating to bodily functions or body parts.
5. Sniffing should be an Olympic sport.
6. As should burping, giggling and projectile peeing.
7. At the end of every day, boys slump into exhaustion – until you mention the word ‘bed’. This is the trigger for an energy surge strong enough to fuel a new world record for complaining.
8. It’s never too wet, too windy, too cold, too snowy or too late for a footie kick-about in the back garden.
9. The fashion must-have is anything dirty, mucky or torn at the knees – preferably within five minutes of putting it on.
10. It is compulsory to acquire food stains and suspicious damp patches on the way to visit relatives.
11. Felt pen is permanent even when it’s not supposed to be.
12. Brussels sprouts are handpicked from Satan’s garden.
13. You should never leave home without your Star Wars pants.
14. Scented candles can provide momentary relief; they cannot, however, perform miracles.
15. There are three standard replies to all accusatory questions: ‘It wasn’t me,’ ‘I wasn’t there’ and ‘He did it.’
16. Words of complaint, annoyance or indignation should always have at least six vowels. Aaaaaaw Muuuuuum!
17. Nothing, but nothing, swells the heart like two gorgeous wee guys showering you with kisses and vowing that they’ll never leave their mum. Although I do realise that the effect of this may change when said guys reach middle age.
Profound. Deep. Spiritual.
Yep, spawning brothers has been a true blessing. And I can only hope that throughout their lives the boys draw on each other’s support to achieve all the things that would make their mother proud: successful careers, healthy relationships, and writing the best snogging song ever recorded.