Doesn’t it make you swell with pride when there’s a royal story that doesn’t involve pixelated pictures of Harry’s blue bits?
This week, the world’s media bypassed the global financial meltdown, war, famine and those two married news presenters who are up to no good, to inform us that Kate had a new hairstyle.
And then – cue a baby names sweepstake in the office – came the announcement that our future king and queen are going to become Maw and Paw Windsor.
It’s lovely news for the newlyweds, although there’s a strong possibility that Christmas dinner with the relatives will be interrupted by Airmiles Andy throwing his rattle out of the pram because he’s been shoved further down the queue for the big chair and the crown.
As with any pregnancy revelation, my thoughts flew to that blissful day, twelve years, nine months and twenty-two days ago, when I discovered that my feelings of nausea were not caused by a post-Saturday night reaction to chicken balti.
After years of fertility treatments and disappointments, I was thrilled when the line appeared on the stick. Ecstatic. But there’s no denying that, by the time Low junior entered the world, the husband had discovered many new things about his wife.
So your Royal Highnesses, just in case you are reading this, I would like to pass on some pearls of wisdom from a commoner who’s been there, done that and scooped the baby rice off my best silk shirt.
The Lows’ Top Ten Pregnancy Lessons:
1. My dearly beloved learned that a woman can be happy, overwhelmed, worried, loving, furious and hungry at the same time. The chance of accurately guessing which of these is the overriding emotion at any given moment is up there with Pippa’s new book winning the Nobel Prize for Literature.
2. When faced with a hormonal female with the emotional stability of a seesaw on the San Andreas fault, make her tea, tell her she’s gorgeous and then retreat to a nuclear bunker.
3. A balanced diet is essential. This may take the form of equal-sized bowls of pickled onions and custard. Consumed at 4 a.m.
4. A previously happy-go-lucky woman can become wracked with worry and uncertainty. But whatever the question is, no, husband, ginger bloody biscuits are not the answer.
5. While in the swirls of a hormone surge, she may develop unusual opinions on the perfect moniker for your imminent arrival. Agree to go with little Pickles Walthamstow McNugget until the next swirl adjusts her views.
6. It’s common for a woman to glow and radiate contentment as she prepares for the miracle of birth. Unfortunately, I was the exception, who bypassed glowing in favour of sweating, swelling and waddling like an Emperor Penguin with polar piles.
7. In some cases, couples will re-categorize their profanities. Forget the F-word and the C-word. The major curses become the S-word (stirrups) and the E-word (episiotomy).
8. It’s wise to prepare for the fact that a bump may come and go, but changes to the bosoms can be permanent. I believe the term ‘landslide’ is applicable.
9. Pregnancy does not automatically transform a female into Mother Earth.
I became her evil twin sister: Mother Volatile.
And, finally, all of the above can be helped by avoiding stress, utilising the resources available to you, and accepting help.
So on behalf of Maw, Paw and the future babe, Pickles Walthamstow McNugget Windsor, I’d be happy to let Airmiles Andy know he’s off the guest list for Christmas dinner.