Congratulations to Simon Cowell. It’s been incredible to see him with a new addition who is demanding, attention-seeking, makes a lot of noise without actually saying much, does nothing particularly interesting and requires regular incessant mollycoddling.
But now that he has a baby, he obviously won’t be able to spend as much time with Nicole Scherzinger.
The photos with baby Eric are gorgeous, and the pop mogul has been waxing lyrical on new fatherhood.
However, I can’t help thinking that he will perhaps look back on some of his recent assertions and revise his opinions.
The first questionable claim? Simon said: ‘I never have and never will change a nappy.’
He may reconsider, the first time he’s alone with the child and caught in an explosive situation after a meal of puréed carrot and spinach. Oh, and his theory that having a baby won’t change his life too much? Good luck with that.
Obviously, with an army of nannies and Sinitta always within hollering distance (note to self: send headphones for baby), Simon’s experience of new fatherhood might not be typical of most.
But Si, for what it’s worth, here are some of the things I learned after becoming a parent.
1. It’s best to take one day at a time, be objective and maintain realistic expectations.
But your child is the most handsome in the whole world and, yes, he/she will be the first professional sports-playing prime minister that ever cured diseases before going on to pilot his/her own rocket into space.
2. As a parent, you are a sensible, reasonable person who doesn’t overreact – unless the baby has a slight temperature in which case the emergency services, the World Health Organization and the head of the NHS should be alerted immediately.
3. You will never wear white again.
4. There are 3,452 ways to purée food. They all look like gunk.
5. No matter where in a room a child splats a spoon, the food will end up on something that’s dry-clean only.
And remember how you mocked other parents for that really annoying thing of making plane noises when trying to encourage their child to eat? By month 10, you will have better landing patterns than air traffic control.
6. You will love your friends’ children even more if they behave worse than yours in public.
7. You used to be capable of conducting a deep, informed discussion about international politics and the effects of global climate change.
Now you’ll have three-hour chats about baby body functions.
8. A girl’s best friend is a diamond. A parent’s best friend is the washing machine.
9. Some mothers find it difficult if their partner comments on post-birth weight loss, given that said partner hasn’t shot a melon out of part of his nether-located anatomy.
10. You will make comprehensive plans to shower, travel, sleep, socialise – and although the baby seems to be having no reaction, it’s laughing inside.
11. The baby weight endures. From personal experience, this can last until the child is a teenager.
12. The dozens of items of baby equipment you bought? You’ll only actually use four.
13. You know those soft-play areas that you always viewed as noisy and crowded? You’ll realise they are designed by the Gods Of Give Me Five Minutes To Read The Papers And Have A Scone.
Finally, just remember that, rich or poor, there are three golden rules:
You can never give a baby too much love.
Just do the best you can.
And don’t take the shift straight after the meal of puréed carrot and spinach.