In your head, you’ve imagined the difficult conversation in gut-churning detail and played out all possible reactions the confrontation could lead to. Your hands feel clammy at the mere thought of the possible escalation, maybe to tears and/or an angry outburst. But if you’re doing everything in your power to avoid the discomfort of a disagreement, you could be missing out on finding a resolution as well as ignoring your needs. What’s more, if there’s an injustice, when we keep quiet about it, it’s almost as though we are condoning it.
It can take real courage to face your fear of confrontation head on. Whether it’s a political conversation, big work meeting, discussing the distribution of domestic chores with your housemate or telling your boss you’re overworked and can’t take on any more, they are all potentially inflammatory. Not to mention those situations where a friend is being casually racist, or a colleague makes a sexist remark. Whether at work or at home, it’s not surprising we fear these sorts of conversations.
I used to find criticism so painful, I would avoid confrontation at any cost. I’d shut down conversations by reacting with hurt or anger. Friends and family learned not to raise issues with me because it never ended well. What I’ve since realized is this: I don’t want to be someone who people feel afraid to have difficult discussions with. Because without having those conversations, we stay stuck and oblivious to our wrongdoings. Really, we are hurting the people that we care about, as they won’t feel able to express themselves and get their needs met.
Instead, I want to be the sort of person who people feel they can talk to openly, even when the conversation feels confrontational. These days, I go out of my way to welcome feedback and ask for it from clients and after the workshops that I deliver. My partner Aidan and I have regular discussions about our relationship, checking in with each other and asking for feedback. I consciously remember I don’t need to be perfect, and I aim to always be open to learning and changing. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather things were said to my face than behind my back. At least then, I’m armed with the knowledge to change.
Gemma, thirty, an account manager, told me about a work conflict. ‘Like almost everyone, I don’t like confrontation. I recently had to stand my ground with a new boss who was dismissive of a new process I wanted to establish. I could see how it would make the business more efficient and ultimately lucrative. But he met my idea with condescension and disrespectful language. I was so passionate about the change, I continued to push my opinion. Eventually the boss conceded. I was proven right: the change has had a positive effect on the whole team. This has only made me more determined to face conflict when it’s necessary.’
We might think we’re saving someone else’s feelings by not having a difficult conversation, but the opposite is true. Brené Brown in her book Dare to Lead says, ‘Clear is kind, unclear is unkind.’ Leaving someone in limbo because you haven’t fully expressed your view can leave them confused and in the dark about what they did wrong. Cutting out a friend because it feels easier than telling them how they hurt you is not kind. Neither is letting resentment fester inside, unexpressed, then unleashing the rage of your suppressed feelings. That is being unkind to yourself, too.
This is the perfect example of the lengths we’ll go to, to avoid having an awkward conversation – and how self-destructive it can be. My client Stephanie, twenty-seven, told me, ‘I’ve recently bought a flat. What I didn’t know before I moved in, is that the walls are thin and one neighbour’s surround sound is so loud it vibrates my whole living room! I want to tell him, but I don’t know how or what to say. I tend to overthink and I have built myself up into such a state that I’m scared I’ll end up blurting out the wrong thing. At this point, my mind is even telling me to sell the flat rather than confront him!’
I recently watched an interview by feminist journalist Helen Lewis, debating with clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson, who has some very different views to her. I was struck by how calmly and elegantly she was able to argue her point of view and I was intrigued to know how she prepared for such challenging conversations.
She told me, ‘It’s about acknowledging something is going to be difficult before you start – but deciding it’s important enough that you are going to do it anyway. It’s useful to have a measurement within yourself about what is important to you and what is important for you to do or say. Then before you embark on the difficulty, you think about that.’
So, remembering your values and the ‘why’ of the conversation is vital. Are you having the conversation to uphold your value of fairness, truthfulness, kindness or respect? Is raising an issue with a friend, at root, about how much you appreciate your friendship? Is asking for more money really about you valuing your time and energy? Tune in to that before you head into the potential confrontation.
Helen adds that tapping into our values helps us to care less about what others think. ‘Other people’s opinions matter much less when you’ve got your own star you’re aiming for in mind and an idea of your goals and reasons for doing that.’
Knowing and accepting yourself, faults and all, which is something we explored in Chapter 22 ‘Owning your shit’, is another tool in being able to handle these challenges. Helen says, ‘If you are expecting the criticism, it doesn’t hurt as much because you’ve factored it in already. You know people aren’t going to like what you say, so it doesn’t take you by surprise.’
What if a little conflict could be, in fact, an opportunity? A chance for things to get better? What if you standing up to someone will have a positive effect on other people? A conflict could even end up being a bonding experience that improves your relationship with the other person – kind of like when you and a new partner have your ‘first fight’ but grow closer as a result!? Being able to stand up for yourself, assertively ask for what you want or challenge someone might just earn you their respect. And for you, bravely facing up to the difficulty of conflict will empower you to know what you’re capable of.
I spoke to executive coach Charlotte Dewhurst, a self-confessed lover of difficult conversations (or at least of their benefits). Her technique is to put things in perspective beforehand. Ask yourself: ‘What’s the worst that could happen? Will this person’s reaction matter in a year from now?’ Another way she suggests you prep is to practise with a friend. She wants us to get used to conflict by setting targets for it each week, which spell out which conversations you’ll have. ‘Which conversations will you prioritize and which will you let go? How many difficult conversations will you have each week? This isn’t about becoming too confrontational, but about flexing your muscles and practising, as well as defending your values when they really matter.’
Here are some strategies for handling confrontation that will help you be prepared and boost your chances of achieving a successful outcome.
This exercise allows you to open up about how conflict avoidance has left you stuck. Think of an issue, then answer the following questions:
Where have I been avoiding confrontation?
What could the possible benefits be of raising this issue, or having this difficult conversation?
What are the main points I’d like to make during this conversation? Can I script some of it out beforehand? Practise with a friend?
What is the worst thing that could happen in this conversation? What would be the best outcome?
We’ve all experienced rudeness, only to find that hours later, we come up with the perfect comeback! But instead of kicking yourself for not thinking of that clever or perfect answer at the time, you can prepare yourself in advance by deciding what you want to say to rude or unkind people.
Like most women over the age of twenty-five, I’m constantly getting asked when I’m getting married or having children. Recently, a friend of the family even said ‘tick tock’ to me! Comments like this can catch you off guard and leave you reeling – or mean you blurt out something you later regret.
Be cautious; don’t lose your head in your need to be right. Remember the saying, ‘everyone is fighting a hard battle’. Try not to take rudeness personally as it might be unintentional, or the person lashing out at you is doing so for their own reasons, their bad day, bad week or even bad life. They may be judging you through their own misconceptions or just acting out their own pain or stress. Sometimes rudeness is actually social awkwardness in disguise. Or they might be having an oblivious moment, as we all do at times. Sometimes, the best and kindest response might be to ignore them or walk away. It might even be you who’s being the rude one! If someone angrily calls you a bitch as you accidentally knock their bag on the bus, it might be wise to keep quiet and not inflame the situation. Other times, you have to be brave enough to call it out. When that’s the case, there are some handy strategies you can employ.
Don’t be afraid to say, ‘I think you are being rude/unprofessional/unkind.’ For example, when someone makes an unwanted comment about your appearance/weight/outfit, reply, ‘Ouch – that’s not very kind!’
For example, if someone’s made a backhanded comment about your weight by asking, ‘Do you really think you should eat that?’ you can reply (in an incredulous tone), ‘Did you actually just ask me if I should eat this?’ Or, ‘I can’t believe you just asked me that!’
If someone asks, ‘When are you going to have children?’ you can reply, ‘That’s a very personal question!’ This goes for the question, ‘Why are you still single?’ A lot of people I spoke to told me this can be a pretty hurtful – not to mention irritating – question. The implication is, there has to be something wrong with you, not that you haven’t yet met the right person or are choosing to ride solo. ‘Because I choose to be,’ or, ‘I’m fussy!’ are both great responses.
This is a way to respond to the single question too: ‘I don’t know, why don’t you tell me?’ Hopefully this will highlight the inappropriateness of their question; although it could backfire and prompt more rudeness. Someone also suggested this gem: ‘I enjoy being single and I’m not bothered by social constructs, but it’s interesting that you are. Why do you think that is?’
Think of some situations where you might face, or have dealt with, a rude comment. Plan a brave response to each.
★ Avoiding conflict means issues don’t get resolved, and this could be doing you both a disservice.
★ It’s kinder to be clear about your boundaries and what you want.
★ Confrontation can be an opportunity for things to get better.