I just want to take a moment to remind you that you are, by nature, remarkably resilient. You are a human being: a woman, no less. You’ve survived an ice age, droughts, floods, you’ve built pyramids and rocketships. Potentially, you have the power to create life through your body, to grow tiny humans in your tummy and push them out of your vagina! You’re a walking, talking, Instagramming miracle – and if you’re not resilient, I don’t know what is. It’s just that you’ve forgotten. I want you to remember: you are a badass. A force of nature, one hell of a woman and … you’ve got this.
Resilience is your ability to bounce back from setbacks, big and small, to handle the challenging times but come back to a state of equilibrium. It’s about how well you can adapt to the life changes we all go through. We need resilience to stand firm in the face of criticism, to keep going when we’re doing something hard and when life doesn’t work out as we’d want.
If you’re a sensitive person, you might struggle with the idea of failure. Perhaps you’re fearful of what people think of you, or you just don’t feel very strong right now. That’s OK. Resilience is something you can grow.
Remember I described the growth mindset back in Chapter 3 ‘Believe you can change’? This is where we learn to give things a try, rather than worrying about the actual result. Know this: getting back up after failure breeds resilience. What we may have once thought of as failure is actually a chance to learn and to become tougher. The same is true for feeling difficult emotions. It creates confidence that we can handle whatever comes up – aka resilience.
I have a confession: from a young age, I was a quitter. My parents wanted me to have a comfortable life and a better childhood than they’d had. They didn’t want me to feel under any pressure, so when I hit a bump in life’s road, they told me it was OK to give up. While this came from a lovely place, it meant within the space of five years, I quit piano lessons, guitar, Brownies, athletics, ice skating and creative writing.
What I learned from this was: when life gets tough, it’s a sign from the universe that it’s time to pack up and go home. How wrong was I?! If you’ve been overprotected too, you might relate. Overcoming challenges builds confidence, but you might never have had the chance to overcome any.
I didn’t learn that it’s OK to struggle, to stumble and even to face-plant along the path of life. And that next, you have to get up, shake it off and keep going. I now know difficulties are to be expected. That success comes to those willing to stick at it long enough for it to finally work out. And that in order to move over the bumps without breaking, you need to be as flexible as possible. I’ve learned there are multiple good outcomes, and it’s OK not to get the one I’ve got fixed in my head.
I also know I need to embrace challenges rather than letting them floor me. When the unbearable feelings of resistance and wanting to give up kick in and I feel the urge to run, I take it as a sign that I’m about to go over the hump of a bump. If I can just keep going, I’ll be on the downward slope.
By challenging ourselves in small ways, we learn to deal with difficult emotions, and so feel stronger and more resilient. Maybe it’s time to take a few risks? Especially as studies suggest that women are more risk-averse than men.1 What’s more, when under stress, we become even more risk-shy, while men become the opposite.2
Avoid risks and not only will you miss out on opportunities, but also on the chance to learn and to grow in confidence. If you’re saying, ‘How can I do this – I don’t dare to take risks in the first place,’ don’t worry, you can start small.
I have found that taking on a physical challenge can have a knock-on effect on confidence in every area of your life. Recently, I went to visit a friend’s new apartment in a stylish high-rise in north London. I stepped out on to the balcony to admire the view of the impressive skyline and, instantly, was hit by nausea. I quickly retreated inside, only able to check out the view from behind the sliding glass door. I’d thought I was OK with heights, but realized that over the past few years I’d become increasingly uneasy about them.
Then, a week or so later, my best friend announced the plan for her husband’s birthday: a treetop zip-wiring adventure at Go Ape in a local woodland. My heart sank. Given my balcony wobble, the thought of climbing up a forty-foot tree and flinging myself off seemed an ordeal I’d rather avoid.
However, I feigned excitement, knowing I had to face my fear. As I climbed the first tree, clammy hands checking again that my harness was correctly attached, I felt my heart exploding out of my chest. I took deep breaths and told myself, ‘You’ve got this,’ a mantra I repeated all the way around the course. At Go Ape, it’s your responsibility to ensure you’re securely attached to the tree and the zip lines at all times, so you have to trust yourself. I finally made it up to the highest point, and zip-lined down, screaming – half exhilarated, half terrified – all the way. I can’t deny I was relieved to feel the earth beneath my feet, but I also felt empowered.
Taking that risk taught me I could handle more than I’d assumed. Once you’ve walked a tightrope at forty feet, asking your boss if you can leave early on Friday will seem like less of a big deal. Once you’ve skinny-dipped with your yoga retreat sisters, confronting a friend about the money she owes you will seem easier. Surfing a five-foot wave, trekking through a jungle, running a half marathon or abseiling down a cliff face will all do the same.
I’m not suggesting you engage in truly risky behaviours; please don’t start texting while driving or having unprotected sex in the name of growing your confidence. For this strategy to work, it needs to be a healthy risk and within safe parameters.
Your challenge doesn’t even need to be dangerous at all, in fact. It just needs to challenge you – and for you to stick at it. ‘In the past few years I have taken up hillwalking and it is helping to toughen me up,’ says Karen, an artist, aged thirty-one. ‘At the start of the walk I always struggle. I get a pounding headache, my hearing goes funny and I just want to turn back. But so far, I never have. I always make it to the top.’
What kinds of healthy risks or challenges could you take on to grow your confidence and courage? Brainstorm some ideas, then take some action towards actually doing one of them in the next couple of weeks.
★ You are already strong and resilient; it’s built into your DNA!
★ Bumps in the road are normal, not a sign you should give up.
★ Physical challenges and taking healthy risks can help grow your resilience and confidence.