Lindsay returned from work excited to have the weekend before her. Throwing her briefcase on the kitchen table, she called out to her husband, Ron, and then paused for a minute while she waited to hear whether he was home. When he didn’t answer, she ran upstairs to change. After about half an hour she started to wonder what was delaying her husband’s return and called him on his cell phone. When he answered it, she was surprised to learn he was answering it from their basement family room. She started to make a joke about it until she heard a familiar sullen monotone in Ron’s responses. She felt her energy drain as she asked, “Ron, I know you must have heard me when I called out to you—why wouldn’t you have answered me?”
Lindsay didn’t really listen to her husband’s reply. She knew what he’d say: “I didn’t hear you—I was watching the game. Why do you make such a big deal out of everything?” or “I would have answered if I’d actually heard you. Why would you accuse me of purposely ignoring you?” or “I’m just watching the game. If you wanted to see me, why didn’t you come down here?”
Why would Ron withdraw to the basement or refuse to acknowledge his wife’s arrival home? Why is Lindsay almost expecting that Ron won’t reply honestly about his feelings? The fact is that Ron is still angry at Lindsay for being too tired to respond to his sexual advances the night before. When Ron is angry, he typically does not come right out and discuss his feelings or their origin. He grew up in a family where no one ever revealed their true feelings but would suffer in silence, refusing to talk for days at a time to get their point across or to make the object of their anger suffer. Lindsay has become used to this and has almost given up trying to get Ron to talk about his emotions. She was never sure what she could have done to make him angry. All she knew was that he treated her as if she was responsible for whatever was bugging him but wouldn’t tell her what that was or how she could make it better. She’d end up either sitting in silence with him or retreating to another room feeling terribly lonely, frustrated that her husband had turned the “problem” on her.
Typically Lindsay would start out asking Ron directly if something was wrong. He’d invariably say something to this effect: “No. Why do you always think the worst? I’m fine. I just need my space.” If she questioned him again, he’d accuse her of nagging him or of being insecure—suggesting that she was the one with the problem.
The outward, more direct, intense forms of anger discussed in previous chapters can throw you off balance by leaving you feeling blamed for your partner’s displeasure or frustration. But the passive type of anger that Lindsay’s husband typically expressed can leave the recipient even more confused. Like Lindsay, you may question not just why your partner is so angry but even whether your partner is angry. Is your reading of the behavior accurate? Your reaction to your partner’s behavior may leave little doubt that he or she is angry at you—or at someone or something else and is taking it out on you. But when your partner completely denies being angry and is not behaving in an outwardly aggressive way, you can feel as if you’re being “gaslighted”—tricked into self-doubt to the point where you start questioning your perceptions.
At the very least, passive–aggressive faces of anger can make you feel dejected and helpless. You’re being treated as if you’re an offender, the perpetrator of some transgression, but also cut off from communication and denied any opportunity to make up for or correct whatever you must have done. Little else can make you feel so helpless.
Lindsay’s husband, Ron, withheld what she wanted by “forgetting” to fulfill her requests, talking to her as little as possible, not being affectionate, and sometimes ignoring her for periods of time as a way of expressing his anger. This is one of two faces of passive anger—what you have often heard called passive–aggression. The other involves just turning off and withdrawing from you, which I call cold anger.
Passive anger includes a host of behaviors that withhold, withdraw, or in some indirect way create discomfort for the other person, without actively identifying or expressing the underlying anger.
Harry would pout but deny he was upset or angry. His passive anger was often fueled when Grace would criticize him for something or offer a suggestion about how he could do it “better.” For example, Harry installed a shelf in the pantry at Grace’s request to provide more storage for their food items. He felt good about what he had done, but when Grace got home from work she immediately went to the pantry and commented that the shelf was too small and not centered properly on the wall. Harry’s self-talk was immediately filled with inner comments like “No matter what I do, she finds fault with it,” and “I can’t take any more put-downs when I’m doing the best I can for her and our family.” These negative thoughts remained in his head as he never discussed his feelings of hurt and resentment with Grace so they could be resolved (“What’s the use? She won’t listen anyway!”). Instead, he would pout and fume to himself, then act out his anger in one of the passive ways just discussed. That had been his style when angry since he was a child in a home where he was never permitted to express his emotions. Because these resentments were not resolved, he carried them around with him and became all the more sensitive to any critical remarks. Thus it seemed he was unapproachable and distant much of the time.
When Grace reached out to hug him, he would often stiffen or pull away. When she did something special for him, he would barely comment on it or would pick on some minor flaw: “This pie crust is kind of tough;” “But when you called the airline for me, did you ask about upgrades?” He would thus “pay her back” through an ineffective way of acting out his resentment. Grace felt punished by these passive actions, but Harry would never admit he was angry, purposely withholding from her. Grace felt she had to become a mind reader to try to figure out what Harry was feeling and wanting from her or the relationship. Given that she couldn’t find a course to take called “Mind Reading 101,” she was stuck with ambiguity and limited information to decide how to react to her husband. Harry maintained that he had “no problems”—the only problem for him was Grace’s “nagging.”
Grace knew their relationship was suffering because of whatever Harry was so unhappy about. She was frustrated and unhappy because almost none of her needs were being met while Harry spent so much time withdrawing from her. She just couldn’t have a personal conversation with her husband, yet they remained in a kind of “Holy Deadlock.” Grace was ready to leave, but held on to the dream that Harry would change. “Some relationship with him is better than no relationship, I guess,” was Grace’s half-hearted rationale for staying with him.
• Passive anger is a vicious circle. One of the most destructive aspects of passive anger is that it creates a vicious circle that can feel almost impossible to break out of. Ron meant more to Lindsay than anyone else in her life, and yet she couldn’t get him to tell her what was wrong. So she persisted in trying to find out. When she repeatedly asked him, she was labeled as the “problem” (“Why are you nagging me? Nothing is wrong! Why can’t you just leave well enough alone and stop complaining all the time?”). Being characterized unfairly in this way naturally made her feel hurt and angry herself. The frustration and aggravation she felt has a way of driving people to find the answer they need, and so Lindsay kept trying to get Ron to talk—which led him to withdraw more and accuse her more and more of nagging.
• Being passive and aggressive is a contradiction. Without words it communicates “I am angry with you, but I won’t act angry, nor will I admit to my true feelings and thoughts. Instead, I will do something you don’t want or not do something you want me to do to punish you, but deny that’s what I’m doing.”
• Your partner’s passive anger may be even harder for you to cope with than outward anger, even of the inappropriate kind. When your partner is intensely angry, visibly and audibly, at least you know what’s going on and can set your boundaries accordingly. Passive anger, on the other hand, is often difficult to identify. You might feel instinctually very certain that your partner is angry without having any evidence to support your claim. And, unfortunately, most people who resort to passive–aggression will go to great lengths to refute any proof you try to present. If you can’t put your finger on what your partner is doing that you object to, and/or your partner simply denies doing it, how can you define and enforce a specific boundary?
All of this can leave you feeling at sea, completely unsure of your ability to judge your partner’s behavior—or your reaction to it. The following indications may help give you an anchor from which to regain your self-confidence:
If your partner engages in the following types of behavior, you’re probably on the receiving end of passive anger:
• Withholding praise, attention, or positive feedback from you when you deserve or ask for it. For example, Harry rarely praised Grace, even when she went out of her way to please him. Grace felt Harry seemed to enjoy her struggles to earn his kind words.
• “Forgetting” or failing to follow through when a request is made (“Please pick up the dry cleaning;” “Would you straighten up the living room, please?”), so that you end up feeling frustrated, confused, or annoyed. In Living with the Passive–Aggressive Man, Scott Wetzler called this tendency “fostering chaos,” which means your partner “prefers to leave the puzzle incomplete, the job undone,” negatively impacting your options and choices. Sometimes Ron would “forget” to give Lindsay an important telephone message that would then rob her of the opportunity to get together with her close friends.
• “Stalling” when you want to discuss an issue you’ve identified, thus blocking resolution of the issue.
• Responding to your needs for affection by withholding intimacy. Harry, for example, would often go to bed early when upset with Grace, thus avoiding any closeness.
• Engaging in behavior that is known to upset you and then denying any negative motives. Examples might include preparing a disliked meal, painting the wrong shutters, leaving newspapers all over the living room, “forgetting” to give you the car keys, smoking a cigarette around you when your partner knows you have allergies and you have asked him or her not to.
• Being chronically late to activities when clearly aware this upsets you. As your partner dawdles and procrastinates far beyond almost anyone else’s limit of patience, opportunities are lost and time is squandered. But even more fundamentally important to the passive–aggressive partner, apparently, is that lateness says this relationship will be run on his or her schedule, by his or her rules and standards, not yours.
• Responding to your questions about his or her significant thoughts, feelings, and needs with a minimal response (e.g., “Whatever!;” “I don’t know;” “Fine!;” “Forget about it”) when it is clear from your partner’s actions that something is wrong.
Tell yourself that if you’ve seen this behavior in your partner, you’re not imagining it. Remember that your passively angry partner will likely deny anger and give a perfectly reasonable explanation for actions that frustrate and confuse you. But it can be maddening even when you confirm that you’re seeing what you think you’re seeing, because you still don’t understand why it’s happening. Is your partner angry and getting even? Is this a way to communicate a message that you just have to interpret correctly to understand? Can you really be sure your partner isn’t honestly expressing a preference or isn’t really surprised at your reaction? You’re bound to question yourself; after all, this is the person you’ve come to trust as much as we usually trust anyone in our lives. Why would he or she act this way and then deny it? Let’s take a look at that question:
While it’s beyond the scope of this book to review all the speculations and theories about why some of us adopt a passive way of expressing anger, having an overview of the kinds of childhood experiences that seem most likely to contribute to the passive anger of the adult can help dispel some of your confusion about your partner’s aggravating behavior. In Overcoming Passive–Aggression, Tim Murphy and Loriann Oberlin reviewed six possible explanations for what they call “hidden anger.” No one factor is likely to explain why your partner is passively angry, but one or more of these may likely contribute to this frustrating pattern. The sidebar on the next page describes each of these factors. From your knowledge of your partner’s childhood, which of these seems to make sense?
Clearly, passive anger may have its roots in a life script learned in the distant past, a script that now directs how the person thinks, feels, and acts when confronted by conflict. If you’re aware of your partner’s having been affected by any of the factors in the sidebar, you have further evidence that what you’re witnessing is in fact passive anger. But if you still have any doubts, you can use the following questions as a guide.
Childhood Experiences May Contribute to Hidden Anger
Hidden Anger That Protects: Your partner may have learned and still uses “defense mechanisms” like these that protected him/her from punishment, parental anger, or pain.
Blaming (“It wasn’t me. It’s your fault!”)
Denial (“Not true. I didn’t do it.”)
Repression (“I just don’t want to discuss it.”)
Covering up important feelings (It’s okay. I don’t mind.”)
Hidden Anger as a Reaction: Your partner was exposed to physical, emotional, or sexual abuse and learned to hold his or her feelings inside out of fear of more abuse if he or she revealed what was going on. Also, hidden anger may be the result of sudden change (such as a new sister, a move) that impacted your partner and that your partner did not risk expressing.
Hidden Anger Searching for a Close Personal Bond: If your partner failed to develop a close attachment to parents or other childhood caregivers, he or she may not have learned how to form close relationships or trust enough to express inner feelings and so now has problems with expressing emotions and being intimate.
Hidden Anger as a Learned Behavior: Your partner learned from the actions of parents who never openly discussed emotions, dismissed “feelings,” or failed to work out differences in front of the children. This learning could leave your partner unwilling and/or unable to open up.
Based on T. Murphy and L. H. Oberlin (2005). Overcoming passive–aggression: How to stop hidden anger from spoiling your relationships, career and happiness. New York: Wiley.
1. How often does your partner withdraw or withhold? Occasionally disagreeing with you or forgetting to pick up something from the store once in a blue moon should hardly get your attention. This seems perfectly normal. But when you notice that you are frequently met with a “No, I’m fine!” when it seems clear your partner isn’t fine, or you have to put up with lateness so often your complaints are beginning to sound like a broken record, you should be prepared to confront this misbegotten expression of anger.
2. What is the context and history of your partner’s passive actions? Does this behavior occur in a particular kind of situation (such as soon after you’ve said or done something your partner doesn’t like or after your partner’s facial expression or tone of voice clearly indicates upset)? Of course, you have to be careful you are not merely “mind-reading” a feeling that is not present, but over time these patterns are likely to become clear. For example, Ron would often withdraw from Lindsay’s efforts at talking and sometimes retreat to the bedroom to be alone (“cold anger”) whenever she confronted him about his not trying to help around the house. He was angry because he felt he already did enough by going to a job every day and resented her “demands” he help out, but he would not state this clearly. They both worked full-time jobs and were forced to do most housework on the weekends. Ron would often “forget” to do an assigned task or do the job so poorly Lindsey had to redo it. Lindsay realized he was being manipulative with his passive anger, and she often fell for it. Her own resentment at his lack of participation and withdrawal from her and his unwillingness to go to counseling to improve himself and the relationship left her frustrated and in a kind of limbo.
3. Do you increasingly find the quality of your life deteriorating as you confront your partner’s passive tactics? Are you often resentful or frustrated, or do you just feel resigned to putting up with a relationship that is not as fulfilling as it once was? These recurring feelings should not be discounted in your quest to try to make things better.
A person who expresses anger passively will not change until he or she can admit it’s a problem and learn to communicate feelings clearly and directly. This may very well require the help of a counselor. Meanwhile, though, you may reach the point where you must change to make things change for you. Living with a passively angry partner creates significant stress, fueled by a lack of control over your destiny. You are uncertain what the problem is in the most important relationship of your life. You can’t make things better because you’re not really sure what needs to change. Sometimes this lack of predictability and low sense of control creates anxiety that can impact your energy level, efficiency in getting things done, and self-confidence. Even your health can suffer, as pointed out in Chapter 2.
Grace began to feel it was hopeless to get Harry to open up and clearly express his feelings when he was upset with her. She had tried pleading with him, berating his passiveness, shaming him (e.g., “You can’t even step up like a man and say what you want. You are a poor excuse for a husband!”), and placating him (“Okay, Harry. You win—what do you want?”). In response he would stay withdrawn until he decided to be responsive again. Sometimes his passive anger would last for days at a time. Grace finally decided to reconsider her relationship with Harry after she spent a weekend feeling alone while sitting right next to him. She was aware that he was angry with her but not sure why. He avoided conversation, wouldn’t open up about his feelings, and passively gave in to whatever she requested while showing no interest in any of it.
GRACE: Harry, let’s get out of here. Want to go to a movie?
HARRY: That’s Okay. Whatever … okay, if you want to.
GRACE: Harry, no, it’s not going to be fun if you’re not really into it.
HARRY: No, I’ll go (sighing and turning away). Just let me finish this chapter (reading and occasionally glancing at Grace).
GRACE: So, Harry, are you upset about something? Why are you so unenthusiastic about anything I suggest?
HARRY: What do you mean? I’m not upset. Why do you have to always make such a big deal about everything? I’m fine. You’re the one who obviously has a problem.
GRACE: (sighing loudly) I give up, Harry. Fine! Just read your book and stay as cold and distant as you want.
HARRY: Get a grip. You’ve started another argument again. You can never be happy. (Looks at his book and continues reading.)
GRACE: (Walks away.)
Like Harry, Ron often hid his underlying feelings or opinions, but unlike Harry, Ron would either postpone or abandon tasks he’d agreed to do until Lindsay lost all patience. “Ron, why are you doing this to me?” Lindsay asked him over and over. “I count on you, and you don’t follow through. Why can’t you just do one thing thoroughly? All I ask is that you finish what you start.”
If you, like Lindsay and Grace, have decided that your partner is indeed engaging in passive anger and you are frustrated and confused by these indirect behaviors, what can you do to take charge of your own responses and thus improve your life in the relationship? Here are some guidelines:
• Stop demanding that your partner admit to being angry and demand change in specific objectionable behaviors instead. You’re not a mind reader, and even if your interpretation of what lies beneath your partner’s behavior is accurate, demanding an admission only rewards withholding/withdrawing behaviors by giving in to what your partner may want. Perhaps your partner wants to punish you, confuse you (e.g., don’t take me for granted), or express dissatisfaction/anger at your behavior or his or her own dependency/inadequacy. For example, Grace would often plead with Harry to talk to her, usually to no avail:
GRACE: Why won’t you just tell me how you feel and what you want from me? If you would please open up, I think we could be happier.
HARRY: (looking away) I don’t know what you’re talking about. I talk with you all the time. Stop blaming me for everything!
GRACE: Harry, please be honest with me.
HARRY: Don’t you ever stop? (Walks into the next room, sits down, and begins reading the newspaper.)
When Lindsay asked Ron what he wanted to do over the coming weekend, she got no further than Grace:
RON: (Sighs.) You decide, as usual. I really don’t care. Just let me know what we’re doing.
LINDSAY: What’s the matter? You seem upset with me. Have I made you mad somehow?
RON: I’m fine. I’m not angry. I just don’t really care where we go. LINDSAY: I know you’re angry and you won’t admit it.
Here’s what Lindsay could have said instead, using an “I” message:
LINDSAY: I feel very frustrated right now because you won’t tell me how you would like to spend this weekend. I would appreciate your telling me exactly what you would like to do so I can consider it and we can craft a plan. I will listen and do my best to accommodate you. Just tell me what you think so I can consider it.
RON: (not giving up his withholding easily) I’m fine. I really am okay with you deciding.
LINDSAY: Well, I can’t force you to open up with me, but I want to hear your ideas and needs when you’re ready. Until then, I’ll make a plan and you can come or not.
• In no way discourage your partner from expressing his or her feelings directly. Do you ever say “I don’t want to hear it” or “Why are you so upset? Get over it” when your partner does express anger or criticism directly? If so, you may be forcing him or her to go underground into passive faces of anger. Just insist that this expression be direct or you will not attend to it.
• Avoid retaliation in any form. While it’s understandable to feel resentment and to want to retaliate, doing so just gives your partner a justification to continue passive anger. When Lindsay tried to have a direct discussion with Ron about helping out with the children, he refused to give his full attention to her ideas. She reached a boiling point of frustration and unloaded her anger on him, which is clearly not helpful.
RON: You decide. I’m trying to read my magazine. Can’t you see that?
LINDSAY: I have been trying to discuss the kids with you all day, and you keep putting me off. When will you talk?
RON: What’s the point? You’ll just do what you do anyway. You don’t really care about my opinions. I’m just the meal ticket here, not the father.
LINDSAY: That’s ridiculous! I’m trying to get your ideas, and you won’t even talk with me.
RON: Do we have to do this now? You always pick a time when I’m already doing something. You’re so selfish.
LINDSAY: (raising her voice) You are a disgrace as a father and as a husband. I can’t count on you to do anything. If you just avoid me, I’ll end up doing it all, right? You make me sick! (Stomps off and slams the bedroom door.)
RON: (Smiles and shakes his head, yells after her.) I knew you would end up yelling again and putting me down. I just can’t talk to you.
• Identify your feelings and what you would appreciate in the future. Again, use “I” messages, such as “I feel very dismissed and sad when you won’t tell me how you’re feeling. I’d really appreciate it if you would just tell me how you feel.” Be clear and descriptive and avoid pejorative labels, like calling your partner cold, dismissive, manipulative, or passive–aggressive.
• Be clear about what you expect from now on and also what you will no longer do. Make clear that you will be happy to listen to any direct statements your partner makes about his or her thoughts, feelings, or needs. You expect your partner to be direct and complete in telling you what he or she is willing to do or not do and to communicate angry feelings immediately in a respectful manner, such as by using “I” messages.
You will also no longer make heroic efforts to figure out what your partner “really” means. Instead, you will take what he or she says—“I really don’t want to talk,” “I am not hungry”—at face value and not try to become a mind reader, asking questions like “Are you mad at me?” and “Do you resent something?” and “Are you afraid of what I will do?”
You will not become a kind of therapist trying to “psychologize” about your partner’s unmet and unexpressed needs, speculating in this way: “I guess you won’t talk with me because deep down you are unhappy and scared. This is probably because your mom is so critical. Does that make sense?”
You will no longer make excuses—“I guess she’s just too overwhelmed to remember to pick up the dry cleaning for me;” “His job is really stressful, and I can’t expect him to pitch in around here”—when your partner fails to do a fair share of the emotional or physical work of the relationship. Instead, if your partner “forgets” to do something agreed on, you’ll clearly convey that this is unacceptable.
• Let your partner experience the logical and natural consequences of his or her passive tactics. Here are some examples to illustrate the concept. The real-world outcomes are in italics:
He failed to pick up his dry cleaning, so let him be without a clean shirt.
She won’t tell you where she wants to go that evening, so you decide where to go and invite a close friend to go with you.
He won’t tell you how he feels, so you ignore any further discussion or antics until he is willing to speak up and tell you his inner feelings (e.g., “Okay, I’ll have to assume you’ll let me know when you’re ready to talk. I won’t ask you again”). You make your decisions without regard to how he might feel if he won’t be forthcoming. For example, Grace might say: “Harry, I’ve asked you for your opinion or feelings. Since you won’t open up, I’ll make the decision that suits me.”
She won’t speak to you and retreats to another part of the house. You let her know you wish she would be with you but that it’s her choice. You will go on with your day or evening, doing what pleases you without regard to her until she is willing to approach you directly. For example, Grace learned to meet Harry’s cold anger by saying something like “If you don’t wish to be with me, Harry, I will go on with my own plans. I’ve decided to go to dinner with my sister. Have a nice evening.”
When Lindsay reviewed her RAP and Daily Log, she quickly realized how incredibly angry and hopeless she felt. She recognized that she often edited her thoughts and actions when around Ron—trying to “reduce his stress” so he wouldn’t withdraw from conversation. Whenever she wanted to ask Ron to pitch in around the house or do her a small favor, she found herself thinking “How do I say this to him so he won’t get mad?” or “What can I do to make things calmer for him?” Sometimes she found herself redirecting conversation and activities away from anything that might set off his irritation and then withdrawal. The more he withdrew from her, the more anxious she became, until she couldn’t stand it and found herself refusing to answer his questions. Upon reflection Lindsay decided that meeting Ron’s withdrawal from her with a kind of counterwithdrawal was not an effective solution: it didn’t cause Ron to change and only made her feel less in control of herself.
As her recognition of the current situation grew, she became aware of the imbalance in their relationship. Ron managed to elicit intense feelings in his wife by doing very little—a hallmark of passive anger. His words were minimal, his actions were defined more by what he didn’t do than by what he did do, and his response was basically “I’m fine—you’re the one with the problem.” With little effort Ron was evoking intense emotions and actions within Lindsay and then turning them against her: “Why are you so upset? You really are too sensitive and emotional.”
Grace also reported feeling that she did all the heavy emotional “lifting” in the relationship and that Harry’s minimal commitment to communication left her feeling hurt and resentful—but to no avail. It seemed that Harry wasn’t about to change. In fact Harry’s passive tactics only seemed to get worse as Grace made an effort to understand him better, while Lindsay just began to accept that she couldn’t count on Ron and gave up demanding much of anything from him.
Lindsay and Grace began to feel like puppets, with Ron and Harry pulling the strings. If you feel the same way—that you’re working hard to communicate and resolve issues and yet your partner seems to be sabotaging these efforts by withholding the effort needed to collaborate and by withdrawing—you too need to establish and reinforce new boundaries (B).
Passive anger creates a serious imbalance in a relationship: your partner uses minimal words and actions to evoke intense emotions in you—and then holds them against you.
• Unacceptable: When Ron begins to get mad, he often stops talking and minimally or barely answers when I talk to him or ask him questions.
• Acceptable: Ron will look at me and pay attention when I speak with him, provided I clearly get his attention at a reasonable time (e.g., not in the middle of his favorite ball game or when he is engrossed in reading). He will talk with me about the issue I’ve raised until we reach resolution or mutually decide to stop talking.
• Unacceptable: When I try to talk with Ron or ask him a question, he will often tell me that I’m nagging him or overreacting and retreat to another part of the house. He often will separate from me for hours at a time until I go to him and plead with him to be with me again.
• Acceptable: Ron will remain in the room with me until our issue is resolved to our mutual satisfaction. He will take responsibility for discussing and resolving any issues that arise.
• Unacceptable: Ron fails to do his part around the house. He either fails to do those tasks he has agreed to do or does them in a manner that is incomplete and must be finished by me or they won’t get done.
• Acceptable: Ron will fully complete agreed-on tasks in the agreed-on time frame.
Grace decided to focus on one new boundary that seemed to capture what felt most disrespectful and frustrating about Harry’s passive expression of anger: his avoidance of verbally committing himself to an opinion or emotion. After much consideration, she worded her boundary as follows:
• Unacceptable: When I ask Harry for his opinion or to define how he feels, he refuses to commit himself by saying some version of “I don’t care,” “I don’t know,” or “It doesn’t matter, anyway,” and then ignores me or walks away.
• Acceptable: When I ask him his opinion or how he feels (at a reasonable time), he will stop what he is doing, show interest (e.g., look at me, move his facial muscles to show he’s listening), and make a good-faith effort to consider and reply. This requires him to avoid any immediate use of the “I don’t know or care” litany. After considering my question, he will offer an answer, even if it is to express that he has not made up his mind and needs more time to think about it.
Before considering how they would present and reinforce their new boundaries with their partners, Lindsay and Grace needed to identify core beliefs (see the Beliefs Checklist in Chapter 4) that seemed to stand in the way of change. For each unhelpful belief they identified, they crafted a factual and positive counterbelief, shown in the sidebar on the facing page.
Identifying the major stumbling blocks in their old beliefs made both Grace and Lindsay feel they had more personal control than before. Now they had to banish those old beliefs and make the new ones stick. This meant immediately challenging any self-talk that supported the unhelpful beliefs while quickly stating their new belief to themselves. The new boundaries both had drawn also served to strengthen these new beliefs and build more self-confidence.
Self-talk that is not based on observable facts and that incorporates no plan for resolution of a problem is a cognitive distortion, as you know from Chapter 4. Lindsay and Grace examined cognitive distortions like the following. Do any of them sound familiar to you? If so, think about what thoughts you often have about your life with your partner’s passive anger and how those thoughts make you feel.
“I can’t cope with the way he withdraws from me.”
Lindsay could see immediately that this thought was not objective but was an example of being self-deprecating. This distortion is harmful because it contributes to anxiety and dread about life with a passive–aggressive partner, keeping Lindsay stuck in the automatic pilot mode of reacting to Ron in the same ways and allowing the status quo to persist. Lindsay decided to challenge her “can’t cope” self-talk with factual thoughts that included an optimistic aspiration or specific plan:
“[FACT] I control how I act and react, and I can cope if I have a new plan. [PLAN] I will go for a walk to relax myself and then figure out what I wish to do.”
“[FACT] Making myself upset only makes my life feel out of control. [PLAN] I need to think about this factually and decide what I can do right now to feel better.”
To craft a counterbelief, try starting with the polar opposite of the mistaken idea and embellish it to fit your taste and personal goals.
| Grace’s Unhelpful Beliefs | Grace’s Counterbeliefs |
| “I am powerless to change the situation I am in.” | “I can and will change and will not let Harry’s passive anger control me anymore!” |
| “Nothing seems to work to get him to change. It’s hopeless!” | “I have many new ideas and tactics to change myself. I am powerless over Harry but totally powerful over myself.” |
| “Harry can’t change due to his past.” | “Maybe his past affects how he acts, but I can change how I am coping with his passive anger.” |
| “Things will work out if I give it enough time.” |
“I choose to act now to change my life in this relationship.” |
| Lindsay’s Unhelpful Beliefs | Lindsay’s Counterbeliefs |
| “I am powerless to change the situation I am in.” | “I am powerful over my situation and can change myself, which will make things better.” |
| “He will always win in the end.” | “This is not about winning or losing; it’s about sticking to my boundaries and making my life better.” |
| “It’s my fault when Ron gets angry. I’ve asked for too much.” | “Ron controls his anger. I will make reasonable requests and am powerless over how he feels and acts.” |
| “I am too stressed out and overwhelmed to cope. I don’t feel strong enough to deal with him most of the time.” | “Ron’s actions are what stress me most, and I am taking steps to cope in a way that will bring me more peace and control. I can do this.” |
| “Everyone has problems like ours. I shouldn’t complain.” | “What ‘everyone’ has is not the issue. I am changing to make my life better!” |
“[FACT] I have options for myself even if Ron doesn’t choose to change. [PLAN] For example, I can go to the movies myself, call a friend to go out for dinner, or download a good movie. If Ron doesn’t want to participate, it is his choice and loss.”
The more Lindsay focused on the actual facts about her own strengths and choices and opened her awareness to new behaviors she could use to cope (a plan), the less she focused on Ron and her “plight.” Her rebuttals may seem pretty basic affirmations of reality, but compared to her negative self-talk they really helped her feel more empowered and focused on what she could do without waiting for Ron to change.
How would this kind of thinking, which Grace discovered in her Daily Log, make you feel?
“I feel he is running this relationship with his passive ways. He always gets what he wants in the end because I can’t stand feeling so alone.”
Grace concluded there was a lot of sad truth in this one. She acknowledged that Harry’s negative actions were “running” her emotions and thus ruling her actions. However, she also began to see that this was a choice on her part—not a permanent fact. Moreover, he usually did get what he wanted, she saw, because of her fears. When asked what her core fear about Harry was, Grace answered, “I guess I get so upset because I thought we would always be together, and now I can’t stand the way we relate to each other. Maybe I’m afraid I will just have enough and leave and then be alone. The idea of being on my own and dating again is really upsetting to think about. I guess I just put up with a lot so I don’t have to deal with my real feelings. I’m unhappy and afraid to do anything about it.”
Grace’s daily apprehension that Harry would withdraw from her became much more understandable when she uncovered what she was truly trying to avoid. Her strong need to be loved and cared for in a safe, predictable environment were being blocked by Harry’s inconsistent and arbitrary approach to reassuring her. He was so up and down in his communication and intimate behavior with her that she was constantly feeling threatened at a deeper level: “Will he be here for me when I need him? Will this relationship continue?” Grace decided to recast this unhelpful set of thoughts and to replace them with positive affirmations that were based on fact, like this one:
“[FACT] I run my own life and can decide what I need from Harry and what is unacceptable. He decides what he does about that, but either way, I run my own life. [PLAN] I will focus on getting fit and healthy and finding other activities to do when Harry refuses to participate or shuts me out.”
Lindsay and Grace wrote their new beliefs and some supportive ideas for self-talk on an index card to be kept close by where they could read it every day, whenever unhelpful self-talk cropped up. They also used their Daily Logs to vent feelings of anxiety, worry, guilt, or anger, to remind them of how their thinking impacts their emotions, and to keep track of their progress. A key to success with cognitive-behavioral programs like the one in the A–E model is to keep working on the changes in your thoughts. Lindsay worked every day on catching her old thoughts and actions and trying to immediately challenge them. Sometimes she was more successful than others. Sometimes Ron would still get to her, but she soon began to notice that his passive–aggression was losing its sting and she could recover and move on more quickly. Besides, by thinking more positively and confidently she began to feel better about herself—regardless of what Ron did or didn’t do! This alone felt like a victory.
Don’t discard your Daily Log once you’ve recorded your reactions to your partner’s anger for a couple of weeks. Continue to make entries for as long as your partner’s anger is a problem for you. Looking back over it can be a great source of enlightenment and encouragement (e.g., you can compare how you once thought and felt to how you are currently handling things better). You can also quickly identify when you are beginning to have a setback (e.g., your old thinking and actions are rearing their heads again) and use the tools in Chapter 10 to get back on track.
As you now know, however, just altering your thinking isn’t enough. How would Lindsay react to Ron’s passive anger from now on? How could Grace uphold her new beliefs that she was in control of herself and could decide what was acceptable treatment from Harry and what wasn’t? How could they both communicate effectively and reinforce their new boundaries with their partners in a way that would defuse conflict and foster better communication in the long run? In simple words, both Grace and Lindsay needed a new plan.
Lindsay and Grace had the same concerns about how to express their expectations and deny their partners any rewards for passive anger that you probably have: How do you find the right time and situation to begin to communicate your new boundaries while not setting off World War III or a new Cold War? When your partner continues his or her passive ways, how do you sustain your resolve not to reward this dysfunctional behavior in any way while maintaining your own self-esteem and position?
Rehearsals: At my request, Lindsay and Grace identified scenarios they thought were likely when they confronted their partners with their passive anger. Each crafted a set of new responses that would support her boundaries and assert her position and then practiced with me or a close friend or in her imagination until she felt she got it right (see Chapter 5 on rehearsals). Here are three examples that will help you emerge with a template for your own new strategy with your partner.
Ron fails to follow through with a task he has agreed to do yet clearly resents. When confronted, he often complains that he is under too much stress at work to find the energy to get things done. In this scenario Lindsay uses an “I” message to restate her boundary that Ron take responsibility for tasks he agreed to do and to confront his excuses.
LINDSAY: Ron, I see that you didn’t clean up the kitchen as you agreed to since I was working late [unacceptable behavior]. As you know, I expect you to follow through with what you agree to do, with no excuses [acceptable alternative action]. I feel really disappointed and confused and would ask you to do it now.
RON: (Sighs and turns away to read his newspaper.) I am sorry. I was so exhausted when I got in I just didn’t get to it. I’ll do it later.
LINDSAY: I expect you to follow through. We are both stressed and tired. If you don’t, I will fix dinner for myself and you can fix your own. I will not keep reminding you to follow through or nag any longer. I will just move forward with my own life, and you can either participate as a partner or fend for yourself.
RON: What is this, tit for tat? Why can’t you care about me and my feelings?
LINDSAY: This is about what I am willing to do and not do. I will no longer remind you of your obligations. If you can’t or won’t do your part, I am moving on to get things done in whatever way works for me.
Everything Lindsay does—using an “I” message, speaking calmly and politely, being behaviorally specific, and not getting hooked into his excuses or pleadings—puts Lindsay in control of herself. She invites Ron to uphold his agreements and sets the stage to move on with her life if he doesn’t. She is no longer a captive of what he doesn’t do.
Grace wants Harry to commit himself to plans for the upcoming summer. Yet it feels like the more she has reminded him that they need to talk and plan, the more he withholds any commitment to discuss the issues. She confronts him using her newfound tools.
GRACE: Harry, I have asked you now at least three times to sit down and decide on some vacation plans so we can begin to book flights and hotels. I feel frustrated that each time I bring this up you put me off, and you’ve just done it again [unacceptable behavior]. This is unacceptable to me, and I need you to talk with me in a direct, clear manner this weekend, or I will decide myself and book our plans [acceptable alternative action]. If you don’t like what I plan, it is on you. I will be happy. Your satisfaction with the summer is up to you.
HARRY: You wouldn’t do that behind my back, would you? You need to discuss this with me at a better time.
GRACE: I have already tried to get you to discuss this on multiple occasions. I am frustrated and finished. Unless you tell me what your ideas are by this weekend, I will commit us financially to plans for a holiday of my choosing. I will no longer be stuck by your unwillingness to participate in decisions and then complaining. If you don’t like the holiday I set up, don’t come. I will go with my cousin. Let me know what you decide.
Notice that Grace does not let herself become trapped in Harry’s withholding behavior. She sets her boundary: she expects him to participate and, if not, clearly states her intended actions, which are no longer based on what he does or fails to do. His outcome is created by his own action or inaction (logical and natural consequence), and Grace is free of his passive–aggressive control over her life.
Not only does Harry fail to commit himself to decisions as a passive tactic, he also is unwilling to discuss his thoughts and feelings with Grace. She has often questioned him to a point of frustration and spends much time “having to be a mind reader,” a job she didn’t apply for and hates. Grace tries to apply as many of the “guidelines” as she can as she assertively confronts Harry:
GRACE: Harry, you just made a face when I told you my mother is coming over. What are you feeling? Do you want her to come?
HARRY: (Rolls his eyes and sighs loudly.) What are you talking about? If she’s coming, she’s coming. I don’t really care.
GRACE: I’ve asked you nicely, and you refuse to commit yourself or tell me how you feel about it [unacceptable behavior]. I won’t continue to ask. Unless you tell me clearly and directly how you feel about it [acceptable alternative action], she will arrive at noon for lunch.
HARRY: (raising his voice) I can’t believe how you talk to me. I am not a child! I just know she’ll come no matter what I say. You are in control.
GRACE: (using the “broken record” from Chapter 5) As I said, when you are ready to tell me how you feel in a clear, direct way, I will listen and try to work with you. (Leaves the room.)
Notice in this scenario how Harry tries to redirect the discussion toward how Grace treats him, still avoiding answering her original reasonable question. Instead of getting sucked into defending herself, which was her old pattern, she now merely restates her request for acceptable behavior using the “broken record” strategy of calmly repeating her request. She stays on point and will no longer permit herself to be derailed by his avoidance tactics. Grace can now feel free to enjoy her day with her mother, and Harry can either participate or not. It is his only choice. Disrupting the day or “punishing” Grace with his passive anger is no longer an option.
Incidentally, it’s important to let your passive–aggressive or coldly angry partner know, in behaviorally specific language, when his or her actions are acceptable and welcome. The “I” message is just as effective for praising as for giving negative feedback. If this sounds as if you’ll be treating your partner like a child, remember that using positive feedback or praise is a powerful way of encouraging new behavior for all of us. Here are some examples of affirming “I” messages:
GRACE: Harry, you just answered me immediately when I asked you about your day at work. When you acknowledge me like that, I feel you really appreciate me, which makes me happy. I really appreciate your making this kind of effort. Thanks.
LINDSAY: Ron, thanks for remembering to pick up the groceries on your way home. Following through on something I asked you to do makes me feel really cared for. It’s incredibly reassuring. Thanks!
GRACE: You just told me exactly how you feel. I’m listening, and I’m really pleased that you told me this. I want you to know I’ll take your feelings about this into account. How do you think we should proceed [to resolve this issue]?
You probably noticed the leap we just made from your changing your act to your expressing gratitude for your partner’s changing his act. Obviously, the assumption is that the changes you make will encourage your partner to make the changes you seek. I hope that does indeed happen for you. But there are plenty of times when it won’t. And there will be times when change will be a challenge for you too, because old beliefs and actions are well learned and can be replaced with new ones only with significant practice. Expect to encounter setbacks and obstacles along the way. Chapter 10 helps prepare you for these possibilities and offers some solutions you can try when you encounter pitfalls.