Be kind to the people around you. Teammates/coworkers are family, you spend a lot of your life with them, so treat them with respect and make sure you’re creating a positive vibe in the workplace.
—DAVID ORTIZ1
We live in a chaotic, stressful, and unpredictable world where we’re bombarded every day by stories of murder, greed, bullying, terrorism, sexual harassment, poor labor practices, and ethics violations. Reading or watching these negative and disturbing stories typically brings up feelings of sympathy for the victims. If you’ve been a victim yourself, however, you may experience a completely different—and much more powerful—feeling: empathy.
When we hear the word empathy, many of us simply nod without fully understanding what it means, or we confuse it with sympathy. The two words are sometimes used interchangeably, but they’re quite different. Sympathy is a feeling of sadness or pity for the victim, while empathy is the ability to understand someone’s feelings as if they were our own—in many cases because we’ve actually had them.
Empathy is the most important ingredient in successful, long-term relationships with your teammates, family, and friends.
Every generation has access to more technology and information than their parents did. A child born today will probably know what virtual reality is by age two, whereas I just learned about it a few years ago. The cell phone I had back in college could barely take pictures at all; today, you can shoot high-definition video and upload it to the cloud.
While we may think that technology advancements are cool, they impact our ability to be empathetic and impede our ability to develop the deep relationships we need to thrive as leaders. And the process starts during (or before) adolescence. Dr. Gary Small, a professor of psychiatry and aging at UCLA, said, “The digital world has rewired teen brains and made them less able to recognize and share feelings of happiness, sadness, or anger.”2
MIT professor Sherry Turkle explains that technology prevents us from learning how to be empathetic. “It’s not some silly causal effect, that if you text you have less empathy, it’s that you’re not getting practice in the stuff that gives you empathy.”3 Turkle says that when you apologize face-to-face, you see the other person’s body language and potential tears and you know how upset she is. And the other person gets to see, from your body language and facial expressions, that you have genuine compassion and are truly sorry. Texting the words “I’m sorry” creates no emotional connection at all. In fact, it may end up making things worse. A girl I was dating broke up with me by text an hour before I was to make a big keynote speech to thousands of people, leaving me feeling empty and confused. She could have gotten together with me in person or even called, but to her it was easier to text. Easier isn’t always better—at least not for everyone involved. It’s hard to develop deeper relationships with others when you’re behaving in a way that actively interferes with those relationships.
Although I didn’t have a smartphone when I was a teenager, I was a video game nerd. However, I was good only at fighting and strategy games. As much as I hate to admit it, playing those video games probably changed the way I see the world even today, for better and worse. I think I excel at solving problems, but I may be a bit less empathetic because I got used to seeing so much violence—at least in the games I played. And I’m far from alone.
I’m not saying that we should never focus on our phones and other devices. There’s no question that they’re essential communication tools. But when technology interferes with our ability to maintain eye contact with others, notice nonverbal cues, and socialize with our fellow humans, we’ve got a real problem.
The media contributes, too. When every day we see people all over the world dying, we develop what’s sometimes called “compassion fatigue” and get used to a “new normal” that really should horrify us. It’s difficult to be empathetic when there’s a new tragedy every minute. How do we even choose whom to empathize with today when we know that something worse will happen tomorrow? We get so used to bad things happening that we forget to feel for others. And not being able to feel for others will make it hard for you to be an effective leader.
Reducing the number of human interactions we have has also reduced our ability to empathize with others, largely because we’re losing our ability to experience the kinds of emotions that have traditionally bound us together on the most personal level. Every side conversation, meeting, or work party is an opportunity to show emotion, be vulnerable, and be compassionate to others. Those interactions—and the opportunities to express those emotions—can have an astronomical effect on our work lives. Keep in mind, empathy isn’t about feeling bad for someone who’s going through a major crisis; it’s the daily expressions and gestures that keep people feeling secure in their jobs. Danny Gaynor, who works on the Narrative, Innovation, and Executives team at Nike, says, “Technology is supposed to make us more empathetic by expanding our ability to digest more information. But in the workplace, technology often diminishes empathy. All too often, people deliver tough news from behind the emotional fortress of a harshly written email—instead of having the empathy to offer feedback face-to-face. All too often, people who sit together will deliberate via chat or remote link—instead of meeting together, allowing people to convey their passion with the full range of humanity. We need to recognize that there are human cues—body language, eye contact, and tone of voice—that are fundamental to communication. Technology has not yet provided a substitute for that. So, when possible, treat people like people.”
To be fair, technology isn’t all bad. Ilona Jurkiewicz, vice president of talent and development in early careers at Thomson Reuters, gave me a number of examples. “Every day people connect in a very deep and powerful way over dating apps. In some instances, people talk on apps like Tinder for weeks at a time and cultivate deep and meaningful relationships purely from text,” she says. “When I was in my teens I had a very deep personal connection with someone purely based on communication through phone calls, online messaging, and written letters. We didn’t meet for many years, but in fact through these communications (not face-to-face!) we forged an incredibly deep bond that has carried over nearly 18 years.… So, if we’re able to forge relationships that matter to us through texting on dating apps, snail mail pen pals, or text messages.… Why can’t we do that at work over video conferencing or phone calls? I definitely think we can, and I see it happen all the time. It just takes effort and work.” Fair enough, Ilona. But as we’ll see later in this chapter, even she believes in the importance of in-person communication for building empathy.
I’ve been a victim of bullying many times in my life, from getting shoved in a locker in middle school to being cyberbullied after publishing my opinions on my personal blog a decade ago. Constantly being made fun of by my own peers back then continues to affect whom I trust and how I relate to others today. When we’ve endured failure, injury, family death, harassment, bullying, or something else, we’re better able to relate to others’ setbacks and crises. When tragedy strikes other people, your ability to put yourself in their shoes, to truly understand what they’re feeling, may not immediately resolve things, but it’ll bring you closer together. As Maya Angelou famously said, “People will forget what you say, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”4
Unfortunately the relentless barrage of news stories about tragedy and suffering and our technology addiction, which too often disconnects us from our fellow humans, have combined to reduce our capacity to empathize with others. In his now-famous commencement speech to Northwestern University graduates in 2006, then senator Barack Obama said, “We live in a culture that discourages empathy. A culture that all too often tells us that our principal goal in life is to be rich, thin, young, famous, safe, and entertained. A culture where those in power all too often encourage our most selfish impulses.”5 We are so distracted by social media updates, sports, and movies that we have lost track of what’s truly important to our long-term happiness and success: fruitful relationships with our family, friends, and those we work with. Fancy cars, gold watches, mansions, and other material things might motivate you, but they’ll also steer you away from the relationships that fulfill you.
Our empathy compass is so broken that Sesame Street, a show that many children grew up with, had to hire actor Mark Ruffalo to act out several scenarios to explain it to children. “Empathy is when you are able to understand and care about how someone else is feeling,” he said. The lack of empathy that is epidemic in our culture hurts our relationships, both professional and personal.
In a culture that promotes individualism (as ours does), it’s tempting to see empathy as a weakness, a defect, an inferiority, or a manifestation of incompetence. It’s none of those things. And leaders who see empathy as anything other than a positive trait do so at their own peril.
Unfortunately, everywhere we look we’re witnessing the polar opposite of empathetic leaders. Instead of genuinely caring for and relating to the people they lead, too many leaders are apathetic, narcissistic, self-serving, power-hungry, and completely misguided. Instead of creating a loving and enriching culture, they wreak havoc on their teams (and our society as a whole), often without enough self-awareness to see (or care about) the harm they’ve caused.
It’s no wonder that today’s workers are restless, stressed, and struggling. While many are having trouble paying for housing and groceries, CEOs are making, on average, 271 times more than the typical person who works for them—and that gap is growing.6 Sexual harassment in the workplace is a growing issue, and although the stereotypical case is a man harassing a female subordinate, it’s really a question of power; those with more of it—whether they’re male or female—prey on those with less, regardless of sex. After Uber’s HR team ignored her reports of sexual harassment, Susan Fowler came forward with her allegations, and twenty employees ended up being fired.7 Those employees undoubtedly acted badly and need to be held accountable, but the larger problem is the culture of sexism that was created by the CEO. Harassment doesn’t just happen at the office, either. After interviewing more than four thousand adults, Pew Research found that 41 percent of people have been personally subjected to harassing behavior online, and two-thirds have witnessed the behavior directed at others.8
Workplace bullying is another huge issue that we don’t hear nearly enough about. According to the Workplace Bullying Institute, more than sixty million US workers are affected by on-the-job bullying. That’s horrifying enough, but what’s worse is employers’ responses: 25 percent do nothing, and 46 percent do “sham” investigations. Only 23 percent help the victim, and just 6 percent punish the perpetrator.9 Leaders who bully or harass or who allow it to happen unpunished on their watch cost their companies billions in diminished worker creativity, higher turnover, lower morale, increased absenteeism, lost productivity, increased workers’ compensation premiums, poor physical and mental health for workers, workplace accidents, negative publicity for the firm, and of course, lawsuits and financial settlements. All of this is brought to you by leaders who lack empathy.
And let’s not forget about greed, a trait often exhibited by those who lack empathy and ethics. A great example of this is Wells Fargo Bank, one of the largest financial institutions in the world, where from 2002 to 2017, financial advisers created millions of fake accounts in their customers’ names. As you can imagine, when customers started getting billed for fees on accounts that they’d never opened, they weren’t terribly happy. Eventually many of those advisers and their supervisors were fired, the board pushed out the CEO, and the company paid out $142 million in penalties. But over that period the CEO made millions and the bank made billions.10 Clearly there was a financial incentive for Wells Fargo to go to the dark side; the money it made far outweighed the fines and penalties it had to pay. That’s essentially the same logic Ford used in the 1970s when figuring out how to deal with its Pinto automobiles, many of which caught fire in relatively minor accidents and injured or killed dozens. Company executives made a coldhearted decision that it would cost less to settle lawsuits than to recall more than a million cars and pay to repair them.
Unfeeling leaders may also be less likely to care about the safety of their employees. That 271-times salary gap can make it difficult for a CEO to relate to their workers or to see them as anything other than drones that exist simply to make the company money. I’m sure you’ve read plenty of stories about workplaces where conditions are unsafe or unsanitary and employees have been injured or killed. Empathetic leaders are concerned with their employees’ physical health.
Fortunately not everyone can relate to dealing with leaders who have low (or no) ethical standards or to being bullied. But everyone has had to deal with corporate politics at some point. Maybe your manager took credit for your work, or you were passed over for a promotion by a low-performing teammate who had a better personal relationship with the boss. A lot of leaders feel that they need to be involved in office politics to be successful. And 60 percent of workers in a study by Robert Half agreed, believing that involvement in office politics is at least somewhat necessary to get ahead.11
Of course not all office politics is destructive—and no office could run without at least some politics. But I advise you to stay far away from the politics of gossip, favoritism, and scheming to get ahead by pushing down your teammates. Those strategies may seem like good ideas in the moment, but they’ll come back to bite you. In addition, given how often we change jobs, you never know whom you’ll be working with or for in your next job or the one after that. Burning bridges is never smart.
Sara H. Konrath, a professor at the University of Michigan, has chronicled a steady decline in college students’ self-reported empathy scores since 1980. At the same time, narcissism scores have never been higher, according to Jean M. Twenge, a psychologist at San Diego State University.12 She analyzed data from fifteen thousand college students and found that there’s a relationship between birth year and narcissism score, with people born more recently expressing more narcissism than their elders. Twenge also found that despite claiming that we value community service, most of us would rather watch TV, play games, or do something to please ourselves than help others.
Social media contributes to the problem, too. University of Würzburg professor Markus Appel analyzed fifty-seven studies comprising more than twenty-five thousand participants and found that there’s a link between the number of friends you have on social networks, the number of photos you upload, and narcissism. The more active you are on social media, the more self-obsessed you become and the less you care for others. We’re so obsessed with status updates, likes, comments, and shares and so focused on being noticed and getting approval from others that we’ve lost our ability to be empathetic.
Helicopter parents (who hover over their children, protecting them from any and all inconvenience), snowplow parents (who remove all obstacles from their children’s path), and other similar parents have contributed to the narcissism epidemic by never allowing their children to fail. They’re more focused on controlling their children and staying involved in their lives and have less regard for their emotional state, their feelings, and their long-term behavior. If you get treated like you’re the center of the universe long enough, you’ll start to believe it, which is what’s happened to far too many young professionals. And if that isn’t the definition of narcissist, I don’t know what is.
On the other hand, parents can protect their children against narcissism. Mine, for example, are the most caring and giving people I know. They helped me through many hardships and let me fail and learn from my mistakes. But I always knew they were there for me. I believe the way they raised me is a big part of why I spend so much time helping others.
Assessment: Measure Your Degree of Empathy
Now that you’ve seen how important empathy is and that many people struggle with it, let’s take a look at how empathetic you are. Self-awareness is the first step to being more open, relating to others, and getting in tune with your emotions. Answer the following questions “yes” or “no.” If you have more than three “no”s, you probably need to learn to express more empathy as a leader.
1. When I hurt someone’s feelings, I apologize and admit my mistakes.
2. When the people around me are upset, I become upset.
3. When I see someone else being treated poorly, I get angry and want to help.
4. When there’s a disagreement, I try to understand everyone’s perspective.
5. When someone on my team does great work, I give that person credit.
6. When someone is criticized, I try to imagine how I would feel if I were that person.
7. When people are happy about their success, I feel happy for them.
8. When I see those less fortunate, I have compassion for them.
9. When I’m working with my team, I genuinely care about them as more than just employees.
10. When someone cries, I instinctively want to help.
The lack of empathy we’re experiencing in our society has created a renaissance of new teams, groups, and companies that are trying to bring compassion back. Since 2015, one of my friends and fellow leaders, Chris Schembra, has been hosting dinners for his friends and colleagues. During the dinners Chris is in the kitchen making his special pasta sauce, while calling in each guest to help him with a specific activity, like slicing, cooking, or serving the food. Then, at dinner, they go around and introduce themselves, not just by saying their names and companies, but by telling the others about people who have had a positive impact on their lives. At almost every dinner, at least one person will actually cry because they are in an environment that feels so safe they can fully express the emotional impact of their story. I talked about my father and how despite not respecting him when I was a child, I’ve come to understand how supportive he has been of me both personally and professionally. “When people get into the habit of listening to the feelings and perspectives of those around them, they start getting the understanding that these people can teach them everything they need in life,” says Chris. This type of understanding, connection, intimacy, and empathy wouldn’t be possible in a less human, more tech-device-based format.
While Chris has created an experience to promote empathy at his dinners, Nandi Shareef, who is part of the people development team at Uber, had to lead with empathy in a difficult situation. A peer on her team was struggling with feeling worthy and had begun to question her ability to contribute to her position. Nandi’s way of empathizing with her was to take her for drinks and spend time understanding why she felt that way. Nandi then affirmed her teammate’s contribution through facts and anecdotes about what she’d given to the team. “Then, I asked her to come home and reflect on things that make her happy, bring her joy, and make her feel worthy, and to use those as regular practice whether things are going right or are going to hell in a handbasket. Ever since, she’s walked around the office with her head held high, and she has the results to prove that this shift worked for her.”
While Nandi was clearly leading with empathy, sometimes leaders themselves need empathetic teammates to get through tough situations. Jessica Latimer, director of social media at Alex and Ani, experienced this firsthand. While she was going through a divorce, her father was very sick. Jessica wanted to keep her work and personal life separate, so she minimized her sharing of those personal details with her team. After months she finally told two team members what had happened in her life. “One of my team members was so sincere in her response, and the next day she came in with a card and necklace as a gesture that I was going to get through this,” she said. “That moment made me realize that it is important to maintain boundaries, but also that we are all human and sometimes you need to let people in.” When it comes to empathy, small gestures and open conversations will make your relationships stronger.
Even the most prominent entrepreneurs in our society—despite their fame and fortune—understand the importance of empathy. When not being the inspiration for Robert Downey Jr.’s Iron Man, Elon Musk personifies empathy. Over the years Tesla’s working environment has been less safe than the industry average. Musk says that safety is the top priority at his company and showed it by reducing excess overtime (which was linked to high injury rates) and writing a heartfelt letter to his employees. In his letter, Musk not only acknowledged that the safety problem existed and offered to meet with every injured person, but also promised to step onto the production line and do the same tasks his employees were doing. Best of all, he insisted that his managers do the same. What a wonderful way to demonstrate empathy and lead by example!
Here’s another example of empathetic leadership in action: Madalyn Parker, an engineer at a small tech firm, wanted to take a mental health day and sent an email to her team saying, “Hey team, I’m taking today and tomorrow to focus on my mental health. Hopefully I’ll be back next week refreshed and back to 100 percent.”14 Madalyn’s manager responded in the most positive way: “Hey Madalyn, I just wanted to personally thank you for sending emails like this. Every time you do, I use it as a reminder of the importance of using sick days for mental health—I can’t believe this is not standard practice at all organizations. You are an example to us all, and help cut through the stigma so we can all bring our whole selves to work.” The manager not only understood what his employee was going through, but also commended her for her honesty.
By having empathy, leaders can account for the individual needs of their teammates, and this can make them feel more secure at work as a result. Jason Gong, diversity programs specialist at Pinterest, appreciates his managers because they take into account his individual needs, style, and overall health. “I have a manager that really supports working from home and taking time off for mental health days when necessary. My work can be very taxing emotionally and self-care is key for sustainable success and impact in my line of work.” If an employee needs to get into work a bit later, telecommute one day, or care for a sick parent for a week, we need to be understanding of that and make accommodations any way we can. It’s our role as leaders not just to help the team succeed at a high level, but also to care for each individual’s needs.
Both Steve Ballmer and Satya Nadella have been the CEO of Microsoft, leading a global organization of more than 100,000 employees. While they’ve shared a job title, their leadership styles are completely different. Ballmer would go into the office and in the most direct way possible, tell his team about all the things they were doing wrong.
Nadella is the current CEO and leads with a more empathetic approach, believing that humans are wired to have empathy and that they desire harmony in their work. While Ballmer was demanding, Nadella wants to understand where employees are coming from so that he can create a better environment for them. Nadella learned some powerful lessons about empathy when his first child was born with severe cerebral palsy. His wife gave up her career to care for their child, and he realized that to be a better father and husband, he needed to put himself in his child’s emotional shoes.15 This personal experience has brought more humanity into the offices of Microsoft and the products it creates.
At this point some of you may still think that the whole concept of empathy sounds a little too touchy-feely. Well, think again. Even the toughest people on the planet—the Navy SEALs—learn the value of empathy in building teams. To be successful in combat, you need to have a strong support system that’s built on trust, which can’t exist without empathy. Kwong Weng, who joined the SEALs at age twenty-three, said that he was able to endure all the hardships because he had an emotional connection with his team. Just knowing that he had others who would help if he encountered an obstacle was what kept him going. “When the water was too cold, my buddy would encourage me to go in. When things would get tough, he would say, ‘This will pass, just continue,’” Weng said.16 While the challenges that you’ll face inside your company are most likely significantly less life-threatening than what the SEALs face on a daily basis, the point is that shared empathy can get people through anything.
Empathy is at the core of who we are, and it has major business significance. The Consortium for Research on Emotional Intelligence found a correlation between empathy and increased sales. Empathy can boost productivity.17 A study of radiologists found that they give more accurate, detailed reports when case files include a photo of the patient.18 And fund-raisers bring in more donations when they tell prospective funders about how the money they give helps scholarship students.19 According to the Management Research Group, leaders who score highest on empathy are seen as more ethical and more effective.20 Unfortunately there’s a shortage of empathetic leaders. In a report called the “Workplace Empathy Monitor,” Businessolver found that only 24 percent of Americans believe that organizations are empathetic, 31 percent of employees believe that profit is all that matters to the organization and that their employer doesn’t care about them, and a third of employees say they’d change jobs for equal pay if their new employer were more empathetic than their current one.21
To train yourself in how to lead with empathy, take small steps. Set aside time to speak to one of your teammates, and at the beginning of the conversation, just ask how they’re feeling. This is an easy, low-stress, direct way of starting an emotional conversation. There’s a big difference between asking, “How are you doing?” and “How are you feeling?” The word feeling elicits emotion, whereas doing is more activity based. Your goal is to get closer to being open instead of using technology to check in.
If you aren’t comfortable with the word feeling, that’s okay. The point is to ask questions that elicit honest answers—questions that can’t be answered, “Fine.” Sam Worobec, director of training at Chipotle Mexican Grill, used to ask questions like, “How is this project going?” and “Do you have the resources you need?” But over time he switched to deeper questions, such as, “Is the workload too much?” and “I know you have a lot going on at home. Are you handling it okay?” Early on, he was afraid that he was getting too personal, but the results were amazing. “I now have a team that openly talks about what’s going on at home while at work. Not the gory details of our lives, but enough that everyone knows what we’re all dealing with,” he says. “It makes it so much easier to say, ‘I’m going through a hard time at home right now,’ or, ‘We’re in the middle of buying a house, so I’ll be out of the office a bit more.’ Before, our home lives were secrets that we kept from each other and raised a lot of questions when people would struggle or go missing due to things happening in their everyday lives. Now we can empathize, commiserate, and celebrate much more authentically than before.”
As great as empathy is, it’s still important to have boundaries between work and personal life. “I don’t think it is generally useful to have open-ended empathetic discussions at work, as they are often grounded in, ‘my job is too hard’ or, ‘I have too much work to do,’ or ‘I am too busy,’” says Stephanie Bixler, vice president of technology at Scholastic. “While I feel these feelings myself, I don’t think this is a productive way to approach work, as self-pity never gets anyone anywhere. However, for personal matters that are impacting individuals on my team, I think it is highly impactful to have those emotional/empathetic discussions if the individual is interested in doing so.” If the individual is not interested in engaging in empathetic conversations, whether they’re about sexual harassment or death in the family, don’t push the issue. But if employees decide to open up to you, listen wholeheartedly.
Bottom line? Know your employees and take your cues from them. “Managing a team of software engineers, the frequency of conversations that require a box of tissues is pretty low,” says Sam Violette, manager of mobile and emerging technologies at Land O’Lakes, Inc. “That said, it’s so helpful to have conversations about what’s happening in people’s lives outside the workplace. If I know someone’s father is in [the] hospital or that they’re selling their home and swamped with everything that comes with that process, I’ll know I need to ratchet down that employee’s workload. Your best employees will put their work ahead of almost everything else, and sometimes it is your job as a manager to take that decision out of their hands.”
During your discussion, you need to do three things:
1. Show that you care by putting your phone away and turning off your alerts. This might sound trivial, but Virginia Tech researcher Shalini Misra found that simply putting a cell phone on the table or holding one in the hand reduces the feelings of “interconnectedness” and empathy in couples.22 The instant you look at your phone, you’re putting up a barrier that will undermine your relationship with the human in front of you and will pretty much guarantee that he or she will be less likely to want to speak with you about personal things in the future.
2. Listen without interrupting.
3. Demonstrate that you understand by summarizing what you think you heard. But don’t just parrot back your employee’s words. You’re probably already familiar with UCLA professor Albert Mehrabian’s finding that only about 7 percent of what we communicate is contained in what we say. The other 93 percent comes from our tone of voice and body language.23 So, pay close attention to those things. If you just listen to words, there’s a good chance that you’ll miss the essence of what your employee is trying to communicate to you.
When leaders in our organizations display humility and weakness, they become more relatable. In a study by the Center for Creative Leadership, the authors found that transformational leaders need empathy to care about the wants and needs of their followers. Empathy is also positively correlated to job performance. The more you show your compassion and your willingness to help your teammates when they’re struggling, the harder they’ll work for you, and the more committed they’ll be.24
We all want to feel that we are important and that we matter. Knowing this, leaders should treat people like they are important and give everyone a fair chance to demonstrate their abilities and showcase who they actually are. Instead of stereotyping employees, include them and make them feel they are part of your team community. In many cases all it takes to do that is a face-to-face conversation. Amit Trivedi, CP infrastructure and analysis manager at Xerox, told me about an experience he had. “One of my team members was skeptical of senior management strategies. In order to understand the basis for their skepticism, I met with the individual for a one-on-one discussion,” he said. “During this interaction I learned about how their past work was not appreciated, their feedback to the management was ignored, and they were left feeling like they didn’t add much value to the group. I was able to assure the individual that I am as much committed to recognizing the effort put by an individual and taking feedback into consideration as I am committed to delivering our projects. This conversation would not have had the same experience and outcome had it been done via email or even a phone call.”
Last but certainly not least, offer help and guide your teammates without asking for anything in return. That’s an act of empathy because you’re demonstrating that you’re willing to invest in others, not just yourself. You’re also generating some positive long-term karma (if you believe in that kind of thing). When you do something selfless for others, their natural reaction is to want to do something for you in return.
Becoming a more empathetic leader isn’t going to come easy to everyone. (If it did, a lot more people would do it.) But if you work at it, you’ll get there. That’s exactly what happened with Ilona Jurkiewicz, vice president of talent and development in early careers at Thomson Reuters. “It was hard for me to build meaningful connections with team members when I first started managing because it felt superficial and forced. It wasn’t until I learned the art of empathetic questions that I grew to love it,” she told me. “When I was trying to learn the skill, I made a system out of it. I always carry notebooks at work, and use them to write down notes. On the inside front cover, I decided to write 5–6 questions that I could always reference at the start of a 1:1. These were personal questions that helped me understand another person’s point of view, and to open up a deeper dialogue. So, every time I had a 1:1, I would make sure that I asked two or three of these questions. I realized that by forcing myself to do it I would eventually become more comfortable building relationships at a distance and it would become a learned habit. And, guess what? A year or two later, it is now natural, enjoyable and I relish the opportunity to find moments to empathize. I also think it has made me a much better leader.”
Where You Can Show Empathy at Work, and How You Can Do It
Situation: Your employee has had a death in the family.
How to Handle It: Tell them you’re sorry about their loss and that you know how it feels. Then give them as much time off as they need to recover.
Situation: Your employee is struggling to complete a project.
How to Handle It: Ask what they’re struggling with and how you can help. You could support them by working with them, training them, providing additional resources, or even reassigning the project. Remind them that we all struggle and that there’s nothing wrong with asking for help.
Situation: Two employees are arguing with each other.
How to Handle It: Meet individually with each employee and listen carefully to both sides of the story. Once you understand what the conflict is about, set up a three-way meeting and try to get the employees to see things from each other’s point of view. There’s a good chance that that will be enough to get them to resolve their problem on their own.
Situation: Your employee is overly stressed out.
How to Handle It: Let them know that stress is normal and suggest that they take time to hit the gym, go for a walk, or take the morning off. This won’t be the first or last time you’ll have to deal with a stressed-out employee, so set a clear precedent that lets your whole team know that you value their mental health and that you’ll support whatever they need to do to feel more relaxed.
Sexual harassment has always existed in the workplace, but in 2017 it became a headline issue after a series of sexual misconduct allegations took down a number of high-profile people. After the allegations against former Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein, Tarana Burke created the #MeToo hashtag, which was popularized by Alyssa Milano, to increase awareness of our widespread sexual harassment problem. As a result of #MeToo, women—and men—around the country went public with their own stories, and that led to the downfall of actor Kevin Spacey, then Minnesota senator Al Franken, casino billionaire Steve Wynn, venture capitalist Dave McClure, comedian Louis C.K., celebrity chef Mario Batali, and even former US president George H. W. Bush. The 2017 Time magazine Person of the Year was “The Silence Breakers,” a group of women who were brave enough to speak out.25
In the US workplace, 71 percent of employees report having been sexually harassed, compared to 40 percent in the United Kingdom26 and about 35 percent in the Asia-Pacific region.27 Even though Japanese women have been guaranteed equal opportunity in the workplace for over thirty years, the president of NH Foods Ltd., a Japanese food-processing conglomerate, had to step down after his subordinate made sexually explicit remarks to an airline employee while traveling. #MeToo affects everyone, everywhere. Yet only about a fourth of victims report their incidents to HR.28
While the majority of big-name harassment and assault allegations have been leveled by women against men, as I mentioned previously, sexual harassment is about power and domination. Powerful women can—and do—harass. For example, California assemblywoman Cristina Garcia (who, ironically, was one of the women featured in the Time magazine article) was accused by multiple male staffers of harassing them.29 And just think of the many female high-school teachers who have been arrested for having sex with teenage male students.
The #MeToo movement has impacted the workplace in several ways, not all of which are good. These include limiting alcohol at office parties, using love contracts (romantically involved coworkers have to sign an agreement that they’re together voluntarily), and employees being afraid to hug one another. I’ve also heard of cases of men shying away from networking with, mentoring—or even being alone with—female employees. That’s tragic. At Facebook and Google, employees are allowed to ask out a coworker only once. “I’m busy” or “I can’t that night,” counts as a “no,” said Heidi Swartz, Facebook’s global head of employment law.30 While the #MeToo movement has given safety, voice, and power to women (and men) at work, a side effect has been a 4 percent decline in office relationships over the past decade. Since we spend so much of our adult lives at work, we depend on it as a natural source for finding a mate. While banning romance (or even touching) at work can hurt our relationships, health, and well-being, we need to be aware when unwanted harassment occurs and stop it in its tracks.
Becoming aware of sexual harassment starts by understanding the legal definition: “Any unwelcome sexual advance or request can constitute illegal harassment if it creates a hostile work environment.”31 Unfortunately that definition is frustratingly broad. In truth, sexual harassment is often a “you-know-it-when-you-feel-it” kind of thing. However, if you haven’t experienced sexual harassment directly, you may lack the empathy to understand how a victim feels. So, here’s a way to think about it: as a leader, you’re in a position of power and have influence over your team, their salaries, and their career trajectories. You should use this privilege only to support them and not take advantage of them or demoralize them. There’s a fine line between wanted and unwanted gestures. For instance, never share inappropriate images (especially anything remotely sexual), tell sexual jokes, or send suggestive emails. But don’t worry about handshakes or lunch dates.
If you see something that you feel might constitute sexual harassment, you have a variety of options. John Huntsman, associate director of information and data management at Bristol-Myers Squibb, tailors his response to the individual situation. “Often I find that the victim today stands their ground and pushes back, so in these cases I let them do that and provide backing as needed,” he says. However, “in moments where the victim seems to be vulnerable, I will sometimes provide that pushback for them and socially call out the offender, although I try to do [so] in a manner that keeps the lines of communication open and provides a path for them to make amends.”
If you feel comfortable dealing with a situation of sexual harassment on your own, be sure you document everything that happened and every step you take. If you don’t feel comfortable or you’re not sure what to do, take the matter to HR. The same logic applies if an employee comes to you with an allegation of sexual harassment against someone else: You must either investigate immediately or turn the matter over to HR. Failure to take allegations seriously has aggravated the problem and contributed to the creation of a toxic culture in which that type of behavior is acceptable, such as what existed at Fox News under former head Roger Ailes.
“Showing empathy as a leader starts well before the sexual harassment incident does,” says Jenna Lebel, vice president of brand and integrated marketing at Liberty Mutual. “Empathy starts with creating an environment in which it’s accepted and supported to step forward to report workplace harassment and discrimination.”
While it’s important to respond to an accuser’s allegations, it’s also important to respect the rights of the accused. “Making sure the allegations are 100% accurate is a whole other ball game,” says Malcolm Manswell, marketing manager at Atlantic Records. “People have used this movement to tarnish the reputations of higher ups.”
If you truly want to be an empathetic leader, you’re going to have to do something that might be scary: show your own vulnerability. We’re secretly envious of superheroes’ powers in the movies, but it’s their weaknesses that make them relatable and human. Our yellow sun gives Superman his powers, but kryptonite weakens him. If Superman had no weaknesses, watching him win every battle would be boring.
It’s one thing to tell people about your talents and quite another to open up about your shortcomings. “Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness,” University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work research professor Brené Brown told me. “If it doesn’t feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive.”
Bad leadership and even worse behavior happen in both the physical and the online worlds, and the situation isn’t getting any better. From a young age we learn that it’s better to lead with our heads. But if we truly want to inspire and connect with others, we need to lead with our hearts, showing empathy and compassion to those around us. As a young leader, it’s up to you to change this dynamic.
Instead of trying to quickly solve your employees’ problems, you need to spend time listening to what’s really going on with them and using your own experiences to better understand their emotions. Like me, millions of people have been bullied in their lives, and it has a devastating impact on our self-confidence in and out of the workplace. As a victim, I felt that anything I said out loud would be criticized, so I became quiet, extra careful with every word that came out of my mouth. It’s taken me years to gain the courage to share the pain and trauma of my childhood bullying, but when I tell people what I’ve been through, they’re often more open about their own pain, so I don’t feel alone.
And try, as much as possible, to communicate less with technology. Instead of racing to collect hundreds of likes for a photograph, why not pick up the phone and tell someone how grateful you are that she has benefited your life? Instead of constantly watching your post to see who comments, why not invite someone for a coffee date?