How to Bring Up a Generation of Peacemakers
There is no way to peace. Peace is the way.
—ANONYMOUS
If there is one idea I hope you will take from this book, it is that “there is no way to peace, peace is the way.” In Buddhist thought, peace is found in the details of our days: in your warmth, smile, honesty, tone of voice, the way you breathe, move, listen, take care of yourself, and in the way you are fully present to others. Peace is about stepping beyond your conditioned mind, seeing into the hearts of others, being able to apologize, accepting change, and realizing that we are all created from one life energy, no matter our race, religion, or culture. Peace is being clear with others, being straightforward in our speech, being able to calm ourselves down and not react in anger. It’s seeing the many sides to a story, a theory, or political discourse and developing a capacity for critical thinking, which helps us recognize a would-be deceiver, someone who would exploit us, as well as one who genuinely cares.
Peace is active and alive, and it has a strong voice that combines kindness and understanding with being real, courageous, and respectful. The desire to raise children with values of cooperation, respect, hard work, and care for others is not bounded by or limited to any single religion, culture, or class.
We bring peacefulness to our lives and to those of our children when we learn to see below the surface. What’s beneath the anger, the hurt, the pouting, or the fear that fuels indifference. In peacefulness, we see through the surface behavior of others, knowing that we’ve all been conditioned to see the world in a certain way. Ken Keyes (introduced in Chapter 17) teaches us to imagine ourselves standing in a circle, even when we feel judgmental of another person or bewildered by their behavior, then to say to ourselves, “One of us is crying.” “One of us is being difficult.” “One of us is grieving a lost child.” It doesn’t matter so much which one of us it is—a stranger or a friend—the important thing is that we realize that we ourselves could be having the same feelings at any given time. This creates an “us” mentality that puts us all in the circle together. Or, to put it another way, this mind-set allows us to see the connections we already have.
Teaching Peace
I spoke with Daniel Hughes, a master at his craft of working with deeply disturbed children. I have had the good fortune to attend his workshops and see him work with children; he is always kind, humorous, relaxed, and engaged. Here is something he said to me that I think is very wise.
If you want to bring children up on a fast track toward peace, the most important factor is that they feel safe inside themselves. This is often called attachment security. Children feel safe and at ease walking in the door of their home because they know they will be seen, known, understood, and cared for.
Safety means that children can express who they are to their parents. They can say if they feel hurt, sad, angry, confused, or unhappy, and know their parents will listen. The caregivers won’t judge, dismiss, dispute, get upset, or minimize what children say. This sounds easy, but for many parents, their own anxiety or difficulty in handling feelings blocks their ability to listen and respond appropriately. They quell their own anxiety by giving unwanted advice, trying to fix the situation, minimizing the child’s feelings, or placating the child. Most of this behavior has nothing to do with helping the child; often it is solely to help the parent stop feeling anxious. Many parents jump immediately from hearing their child is having difficulty to feeling that they, the parents, are at fault or that it is a reflection on themselves: I’m not a good parent. What will people think of me?”
Stresses and strains are normal in life, and our job as parents is to help children deal with them and not go off on a private guilt trip because we interpret their difficulties as a reflection of ourselves.
Parents will say, “I don’t want my child to hurt.” But as Buddhism teaches us, hurts and losses are normal in life. It’s part of the deal. Yes, we can kiss a skinned knee or an “owie,” but hurts such as getting left out, not making the team, or being called names by a bully are practice for life. We can’t get rid of bullies or prevent rejection, but we can kindly help our children handle tough situations and learn to manage their emotions, and not take things personally.
Quoting Dan Hughes again, “We also need to recognize the special, unique qualities of our children. Parents get tied up in feeling they have to tinker with their children’s inner lives, but this will take care of itself when we model for our children the right values and expose them to lots of creative, respectful people. Being comfortable with diversity in the world starts with showing respect for the diversity of our children’s inner life. They don’t have to think what you think or feel what you feel. We don’t have to have the same religion or political beliefs. We can be different and still enjoy each other. This is so important to bringing up peaceful children. I want you to be you. We don’t need to say this in words, but we need to show it.”
Peacefulness in our lives begins with kindness and self-acceptance. It brings depth to our thinking, warmth to our responses, and mercy to ourselves and others. It’s about being present against the backdrop of an expansive consciousness that allows us to smile at human foibles, enjoy the great big messy show of life, and realize how rich and surprising life can be. Peace includes the altruism and selflessness that emerge as we live from our deepest truths, grounded in the awareness that we are part of the whole.
If we accept that peace is the way, then we have a daily guide to follow. What is the most respectful, caring way to handle this particular situation? How can I correct a child or set limits in a way that is fair and teaches in a positive way? If peace is the way, we don’t coerce or use guilt or fear to control our children. Instead, we cooperate, talk situations over, and encourage children to have a voice. Parents dignify little people by realizing he or she has deep feelings and original ideas, and then treating them with the respect they deserve.
Peace values evolve as children learn to live from the inside out. What feels clear for me to do? What am I ready, willing, or able to do? We must take time to help them listen for their answers. There is the story of the Navajo mother who said in response to her daughter’s request for advice, “Put it in your holy middle and sleep on it.” Living out of these questions is the genesis of helping children live with the perennial question, Who am I? The answer to this will eventually lead to the next big question, How can I be of service in the world?