“Can You Give Me an Example?”
We are all controlled by the world in which we live. … The question is this: are we to be controlled by accidents, by tyrants, or by ourselves?
— B. F. Skinner
A look at some everyday situations will improve your understanding of the behavioral styles we’ve discussed. As you read the examples in this chapter, you may wish to pause and think about your own response before reading the alternative responses we have presented. These examples are oversimplified, of course, so we can demonstrate the ideas more clearly.
Something Borrowed
Yolanda is a flight attendant — bright, outgoing, a good worker, and liked by customers and peers. She lives in a condo with two roommates and is looking forward to a quiet evening at home one Friday when her roommate Marcy asks a favor. Marcy says that she is going out with a special man and wants to borrow Yolanda’s new and quite expensive necklace. The necklace was
a gift from her brother, with whom Yolanda is very close, and it means a great deal to her. Her response is:
Nonassertive:
She swallows her anxiety about loss or damage to the necklace. Although she feels that its special meaning makes it too personal to lend, she says, “Sure!” She denies herself, rewards Marcy for making an unreasonable request, and worries all evening.
Aggressive:
Yolanda is outraged at her friend’s request, tells her, “Absolutely not!” and rebukes her severely for even daring to ask “such a stupid question.” She humiliates Marcy and makes a fool of herself too. Later she feels uncomfortable and guilty. Marcy’s hurt feelings show all evening, and she has a miserable time, which puzzles and dismays her date. Thereafter, the relationship between Yolanda and Marcy is very strained.
Assertive:
Yolanda explains the significance of the necklace to her roommate. Kindly but firmly, she tells Marcy she can’t agree to her request because this piece of jewelry is particularly personal. Marcy is disappointed but understanding, and Yolanda feels good for having been honest. Marcy impresses her date just by being herself.
Dining Out
Akim and Letitia are at dinner in a moderately expensive restaurant. Akim has ordered grilled chicken breast; but when the entree is served, he finds it overcooked and dry. His action is:
Nonassertive:
Akim grumbles to Letitia about the “burned meat” and vows that he won’t patronize this restaurant in the future. He says nothing to the server about his disappointment, instead responding “Fine!” to her inquiry, “Is everything all right?” His dinner and evening are spoiled, and he feels angry with himself for taking no action. Akim’s estimation of himself and Letitia’s estimation of him are both deflated by the experience.
Aggressive:
Akim angrily summons the server to his table. He criticizes her loudly and unfairly for not complying with his order. His actions ridicule the server and embarrass Letitia. He demands and receives another dinner, prepared more to his liking. He feels in control of the situation, but Letitia’s embarrassment creates friction between them and spoils their night out. The server is humiliated and angry for the rest of the evening.
Assertive:
Akim motions the server to his table. He shows her the overcooked meat and asks in a friendly way that it be returned to the kitchen and replaced. The server apologizes for the error and shortly returns with a properly cooked order of chicken. Akim and Letitia enjoy dinner, and Akim feels satisfaction with himself. The server is pleased with a satisfied customer and a generous tip.
Have a Snort!
Lindsay is a friendly, socially active graduate student who has been going out with Justin and has come to care a lot for him. One evening, he invites her to attend a small get-together with two other couples. As everyone gets acquainted at the party, Lindsay is enjoying herself. After an hour or so, one of her new friends brings out a small bag of cocaine. Everyone except Lindsay responds eagerly. She has not tried coke and doesn’t want to experiment. She is in real conflict when Justin offers her a snort. She decides to be:
Nonassertive:
She accepts the cocaine and pretends to have used it before. She carefully watches the others to see how they inhale the powder. She dreads the possibility they may ask her to take more. Lindsay is worried about what Justin is thinking about her. She has denied her feelings, been dishonest with him, and feels remorseful for giving in to something she did not wish to do.
Aggressive:
Lindsay is visibly upset when offered the cocaine and blasts Justin for bringing her to a party like this. She demands he take her home right away. When the others say she doesn’t have to use if she doesn’t want to, she yells at them. As she carries on, Justin is humiliated and embarrassed in front of his friends. He remains cordial to Lindsay as he takes her home, but he bad-mouths her to his friends the next day.
Assertive:
Lindsay does not accept the cocaine, replying simply, “No, I don’t want it,” and asks Justin to take her home. On the way, she makes clear to him her concern that he didn’t tell her in advance that there would be cocaine at the party. She emphasizes that she was really afraid that the party might have been busted. She tells Justin that she values their relationship, but she’ll break it off if he continues to use drugs.
The Heavyweight
Dominic and Gina’s marriage of nine years is in trouble. Dominic is hassling Gina about being overweight. He brings the subject up continually, pointing out that she is no longer the woman he married (she was twenty-five pounds lighter then). He keeps telling her that being overweight is bad for her health, that she’s a bad example for the children, and so on.
Dominic teases Gina about being “chunky,” comments on how attractive thinner women look, and makes reference to her figure in front of their friends. She has been attempting to lose weight, with little success. Dominic has been acting this way for several months, and Gina is highly upset. Her response is:
Nonassertive:
She apologizes for her weight, makes feeble excuses, and simply doesn’t reply to some of Dominic’s comments. Internally, she feels both hostile toward her husband for his nagging and guilty about being overweight. Her feelings of anxiety make it even more difficult for her to lose weight, and the battle continues.
Aggressive:
Gina goes into a long tirade about how her husband isn’t any great bargain anymore either. She brings up the fact that, at night, he falls asleep on the couch half the time, is a lousy sex partner, and doesn’t pay enough attention to her. She complains that he humiliates her in front of the children and their close friends and that he acts like a “lecherous old man” by the way he eyes other women. In her anger, she succeeds only in wounding Dominic and driving a wedge between them.
Assertive:
Approaching her husband when they’re alone and will not be interrupted, Gina admits that Dominic is right about her need to lose weight, but she doesn’t like the way he keeps after her about the problem. She points out that she is doing her best and is having a difficult time losing the weight and maintaining the loss. He admits that his harping is ineffective, and they work out a plan to exercise together. Dominic also resolves to reinforce her systematically for her efforts to lose weight.
Volume Uncontrolled
Edmond and Virginia have a two-year-old boy and a baby girl. Over the last several nights, their neighbor’s son, seventeen, has been sitting in his car in his own driveway with his car stereo blaring loudly. He begins just about the time their two young children go to bed on the side of the house closest to the music. They’ve found it virtually impossible to get the children to sleep until the music stops. Edmond and Virginia are both disturbed and decide to be:
Nonassertive:
They move the children into their own bedroom on the other side of the house, wait until the noise stops (around midnight), and then transfer the children back to their own rooms. Then they go to bed much past their own usual bedtime. They quietly curse the teenager and soon become alienated from their neighbors.
Aggressive:
They call the police and protest that “one of those wild teenagers next door is creating a disturbance.” They demand that the police put a stop to the noise at once. The police do talk with the boy and his parents, who get very angry as a result of their embarrassment about the police visit. They denounce Edmond and Virginia for reporting to the police without speaking to them first and resolve to have nothing further to do with them.
Assertive:
Edmond goes over to the boy’s house early one evening and tells him that his stereo is keeping the children awake at night. Edmond suggests they try to work out an arrangement that allows the boy his music but does not disturb the children’s sleep. The boy reluctantly agrees to set a lower volume during the late hours, but he appreciates Edmond’s cooperative attitude. Both parties feel good about the outcome and agree to follow up a week later to be sure it is working as agreed.
The Loser
Chang is a twenty-two-year-old college dropout who works as a computer game developer. He lives alone in a converted loft not far from his workplace. Chang has had no dates for the past fourteen months. He left college after a series of depressing events — academic failures, rejection by a girlfriend, and some painful harassment by other students in his residence hall. He has been in jail overnight for drunkenness on two recent occasions.
Yesterday, Chang received a letter from his mother inquiring about his well-being but primarily devoted to a discussion of his brother’s recent successes. Today, his supervisor criticized him harshly for a mistake that was actually the supervisor’s own fault. A coworker he admires turned down his invitation to dinner.
When he arrived at his apartment that evening, feeling particularly depressed, his landlord met him at the door with a
tirade about “drunken bums” and a demand that he pay this month’s rent on time. Chang’s response is:
Nonassertive:
He takes the burden of the landlord’s attack upon himself, feeling added guilt and even greater depression. A sense of helplessness overcomes him. He wonders how his brother can be so successful while he considers himself a nothing. The coworker’s rejection and the boss’s criticism strengthen his opinion that he is worthless. He decides he really has nothing to live for and begins to think about how he might commit suicide.
Aggressive:
The landlord has added the final straw to Chang’s burden. He becomes extremely angry and pushes the landlord out of the way in order to get into his room. Once alone, he resolves to “get” the people who have been making his life so miserable recently: the supervisor, the coworker, the landlord, whoever. He remembers the guns he saw in the pawnshop window yesterday. …
Assertive:
Chang responds firmly to the landlord, noting that he has paid his rent regularly and that it is not due for another week. He reminds the landlord of a broken rail on the stairway and the plumbing repairs that were to have been accomplished weeks earlier. The following morning, after giving his life situation a great deal of thought, Chang calls the local mental health clinic to ask for help. At work, he approaches the supervisor privately and calmly and explains the circumstances surrounding the mistake. Though somewhat defensive, the supervisor acknowledges her error and apologizes for her aggressive behavior.
The examples given in this chapter help to point out what assertiveness means in everyday events. Perhaps some of the situations rang a bell in
your own life. Take a few minutes to listen honestly to yourself describe your relationships with others who are important to you. Carefully examine your contacts with parents, peers, coworkers, romantic partners, classmates, children, bosses, teachers, salespeople, neighbors, and relatives. Is one of you usually in charge in these relationships? Are you easily taken advantage of in dealings with others? Do you usually express your feelings and ideas openly? Do you take advantage of or hurt others frequently? Can you get your needs met and still be kind?
Your responses to such questions provide hints that may lead you to explore in greater depth your assertive, nonassertive, or aggressive behavior. If you did not complete the Assertiveness Inventory in chapter 2, we urge you to do so now. We think you’ll find such a self-examination a rewarding and very important step toward increasing your interpersonal effectiveness.