Chapter 8

It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You Say It!

It takes two to speak truth — one to speak and another to hear.

— Henry David Thoreau

Self-expression is a universal human need. The form it takes is unique to each of us, of course. In this chapter, we’ll take a look at the several components of behavior that constitute our individual styles. While individual differences “make the world go round,” each of us can learn the skills necessary for good communication of an assertive message.

“I Never Know What to Say!”

Many people view assertiveness as a verbal behavior, believing that they must have “just the right words” to handle a situation effectively. On the contrary, we’ve found that how you express an assertive message is a good deal more important than what you say. Although scripts of “what to say when” are popular with many assertiveness trainers, those have never been our style. We’re primarily concerned with encouraging honesty and directness, and much of that message is communicated nonverbally.

Participants in our groups and workshops have enjoyed watching us role-play a scene that makes this point clear: Bob acts as a dissatisfied customer who wishes to return a defective copy of Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Assertiveness but Were Too Timid to Ask to the bookstore; Mike is the clerk. Using essentially the same words in each scenario — “I bought this book here last week and discovered that twenty pages are missing. I’d like a good copy or my money back” — Bob approaches Mike in three different ways:

The three styles are exaggerated in this demonstration, of course, but the point is clear. The nonassertive, self-defeating style says to Mike that this customer is a pushover and the slightest resistance will cause him to give up and go away. The second approach may achieve the goal of refund or exchange, but the aggressive Bob will leave with Mike’s hostility directed at his back! With the assertive approach, Bob gets what he came for, and Mike feels good about solving a problem for an appreciative customer.

The Components of Assertive Behavior

Systematic observations of assertive behavior have led behavioral scientists to conclude that there are several important components that contribute to an assertive act. The late Michael Serber, MD, a California psychiatrist who did extensive work with assertiveness training in the 1960s and 1970s, significantly influenced our thinking in this area.

More recently, the work of psychologist Paul Ekman and his colleagues at the University of California, Berkeley, has confirmed much of what Serber and others posited long ago: the words may be even less important than the nonverbal components.

It should be noted that most of the research in this field has been done with North Americans of European ancestry. Ethnic and cultural considerations are very important influences on the components described in this chapter. We urge you to reread the discussion of cultural factors in chapter 4 and to be aware of cultural dimensions as you study these aspects of behavior.

With that caveat in mind, let’s examine the key components of assertive behavior in detail. You’ll notice, as you read this chapter, that we really believe that “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.”

Eye Contact

There are several important components that contribute to an assertive act.

One of the most obvious aspects of behavior when talking to another person is where you look. In general, if you look directly at the person as you speak, it helps to communicate your sincerity and to increase the directness of your message. If you look down or away much of the time, you present a lack of confidence or deference to the other person. If you stare too intently, the other person may feel an uncomfortable invasion.

We do not suggest that you maximize eye contact. Continuously looking at someone can make the other person uncomfortable, is inappropriate and unnecessary, and may appear to be a game. Moreover, eye contact is a cultural variable; many cultural groups limit the amount of eye contact that is acceptable, particularly between age groups or members of the opposite sex.

Nevertheless, the importance of eye contact is obvious. A relaxed and steady gaze at the other, looking away occasionally as is comfortable, helps to make conversation more personal, to show interest in and respect for the other person, and to enhance the directness of your message.

As is true of other behaviors, eye contact can be improved by making a conscious effort in small steps. Be aware of your eyes as you talk with others and attempt to gradually optimize your eye attention in conversation.

Body Posture

As you watch other people talking with each other, carefully observe how each is standing or sitting. You may be amazed by the number of people who talk with someone while their bodies are turned away from that person. People sitting side by side often turn only their heads toward each other while talking. Next time you are in that situation, notice how much more personal the conversation becomes with a slight turn of the shoulders and torso — say, 30 degrees — toward the other person.

Standing or sitting may emphasize relative “power” in an encounter. A particularly evident power imbalance may be seen in the relationship between a tall adult and a small child; the adult who is thoughtful enough to bend or crouch to the child’s height will find an observable difference in the quality of communication and usually a much more responsive child.

In a situation in which you are called upon to stand up for yourself, it may be useful to do just that — stand up. An active and erect posture, while facing the other person directly, lends additional assertiveness to your message. A slumped, passive stance gives the other person an immediate advantage, as does any tendency on your part to lean back or move away. (You’ll recall Bob’s first approach to the bookstore clerk earlier in this chapter.)

Distance/Physical Contact

An interesting aspect of cross-cultural research into nonverbal communication is that of distance versus closeness between people in conversation. As a very broad generalization, it has been said that, among European peoples, the farther north one goes, the farther apart individuals stand when engaged in conversation. In the United States, as in Europe, closeness seems to increase in warmer climates; but there are important exceptions, notably among ethnic subcultures that value closeness and contact differently. Closeness is, of course, not necessarily related to temperature. Cultural and social customs are products of very complex historical factors. In the Arab world, for example, it is customary for men to greet one another with a hug and kiss and to stand very close to one another. Interestingly, however, it would be considered extremely inappropriate for an Arab man to behave toward a woman in this way, yet that is quite common in the United States and southern Europe.

Distance from another person does have a considerable effect upon communication. Standing or sitting very close, or touching, suggests intimacy in a relationship, unless the people happen to be in a crowd or very cramped quarters. The typical discomfort of elevator passengers is a classic example of the difficulty we have dealing with closeness. Coming too close may offend the other person, make her or him defensive, or open the door to greater intimacy. It can be worthwhile to check out verbally how the other person feels about your closeness.

Gestures

Accentuating your message with appropriate gestures can add emphasis, openness, and warmth. Bob Alberti traces his enthusiastic use of gestures in conversation to his Italian heritage. While gesturing is indeed a somewhat culturally related behavior, a relaxed use of gestures can add depth or power to your messages. Uninhibited movement can also suggest openness, self-confidence (unless the gesturing is erratic and nervous), and spontaneity on the part of the speaker.

Facial Expression

Ever see someone trying to express anger while smiling or laughing? It just doesn’t come across. Effective assertions require an expression that agrees with the message. An angry message is clearest when delivered with a straight, unsmiling countenance. A friendly communication should not be delivered with a dark frown. Let your face say the same thing your words are saying!

Paul Ekman, author of Emotions Revealed, has published extensively on the subject of how important facial expression is to interpersonal communication. Dr. Ekman and his colleagues developed the Facial Action Coding System, a tool for actually measuring muscular movements in the face and relating those movements to emotions. Ekman’s research shows that people can easily learn to read the subtle facial movements of others and thus be more sensitive to the emotions they’re expressing. Moreover, you may be able to begin to control your own facial expressions so they more accurately reflect your feelings or, if you prefer, hide them.

If you look at yourself in the mirror, you can learn a great deal about what your face says on your behalf. First, relax all the muscles of your face as much as you can. Let go of your expression, relax the muscles around your mouth, let your jaw go loose, and let your cheeks soften along with the wrinkles of your forehead and around your eyes. Pay careful attention to the relaxed, soft feelings. Now smile, bringing your mouth up as far as you can. Feel the tightness in your cheeks, around your eyes, and all the way up to your ears. Hold that smile, look at the expression in the mirror, and concentrate on the feelings of tightness. Now relax your face completely again. Notice the difference between the relaxed feelings and those of the tight smile, as well as the difference between the expressions you see in the mirror. (You could try this with a series of selfies also.)

With greater awareness of how your facial muscles feel in various expressions and how you look when you smile and when you are relaxed, you can begin to control your facial expression more consciously and to make it congruent with what you are thinking, feeling, or saying. You may also develop a more natural, less “plastic” smile for those times when you really want your happiness to show!

Voice Tone, Inflection, and Volume

The way we use our voices is a vital element in our communications. The same words spoken through clenched teeth in anger offer an entirely different message than when they are shouted with joy or whispered in fear.

A level, well-modulated, conversational statement is convincing without being intimidating; a whispered monotone will seldom convince another person that you mean business; and a shouted epithet will bring defenses into the path of communication.

Voice is one of the easiest behavioral components to gain accurate feedback on these days. Most everyone has easy access to a small voice recorder that can be used to “try out” different styles of your voice. Your smart phone can serve the purpose as well. You may wish to experiment with a conversational tone, an angry shouted blast, a caring message, and a persuasive argument. You may be surprised at how quiet your “shouts” are or at how loud your “conversational tone” is.

Consider at least three dimensions of your voice:

If you can control and use your voice effectively, you have acquired a powerful tool in your self-expression. Practice with a recorder, trying out different styles until you achieve a style you like. Allow time for changes to come and use the recording device regularly to check your progress.

Fluency

Psychiatrist Michael Serber employed an exercise he called “sell me something,” in which he asked the client to talk persuasively about an object, such as a watch, for thirty seconds. For many people, it is very difficult to put together a string of words lasting thirty seconds.

A smooth flow of speech is a valuable asset to get your point across in any type of conversation. It is not necessary to talk rapidly for a long period; but if your speech is interrupted with long periods of hesitation, your listeners may get bored and will probably recognize that you are very unsure of yourself. Clear and slow comments are more easily understood and more powerful than rapid speech that is erratic and filled with long pauses and stammering.

Once again, a recorder is a valuable tool. Use the device to practice by talking on a familiar subject for thirty seconds. Then listen to yourself, noticing pauses of three seconds or more and space fillers such as “uh” and “you know.” Repeat the same exercise, more slowly if necessary, trying to eliminate any significant pauses. Gradually increase the difficulty of the task by dealing with less familiar topics, trying to be persuasive, pretending to respond in an argument, or working with a friend to keep a genuine dialogue going.

The program of Toastmasters International offers a unique opportunity for practice with feedback from a supportive audience. You may want to check out a branch in your community (see http://www.toastmasters.org ).

Timing

In general, we urge spontaneity of expression as a goal. Nevertheless, while hesitation may diminish the effectiveness of your assertions, it is never “too late” to be assertive! Even though the ideal moment has passed, you will often find it worthwhile to go to the person at a later time and express your feelings. Psychologists have even developed special techniques to help individuals express strong emotions toward those who may have died (such as parents) before the feelings could be expressed.

Spontaneous assertion will help keep your life clear and will help you to focus accurately on the feelings you have at the time. At times, however, it is necessary to choose an occasion to discuss a strong feeling. It is not a good idea to confront someone in front of others, for example, because extra defenses are sure to be present under those conditions. If you must “let it all hang out,” find a private place and time to do so.

Listening

This component is perhaps the most difficult both to describe and to change, yet it may well be the most important. Assertive listening involves an active commitment to the other person. It requires your full attention, yet it calls for no overt action on your part, although eye contact and certain gestures — such as nodding — are often appropriate. Listening demonstrates your respect for the other person. It is not a nonassertive act; rather, it requires that you avoid expressing yourself for a time, putting your own needs on hold as you listen.

Listening is not simply the physical response of hearing sounds — indeed, hearing-impaired people may be excellent “listeners.” Effective listening may involve giving feedback to the other person, so that it is clear that you understood what was said. Assertive listening requires at least these elements:

Assertiveness includes respect for the rights and feelings of others. That means assertive receiving — sensitivity to others — as well as assertive sending.

As with other components of assertive behavior, listening is a skill that can be learned. It is hard work, takes patience, and requires other people willing to work with you. Try to hook up with a “practice partner,” taking turns listening to each other and sharpening each other’s listening skills. Practice accurate paraphrasing of each other’s communications (“It sounds as if you’re saying…”), refining your paraphrases until the partner agrees you’ve got it right. It will strengthen your capacity to listen.

Good listening will make all of your assertions more effective and will contribute much to the quality of your relationships.

Thoughts

Another component of assertiveness that escapes direct observation is the thinking process: attitudes, thoughts, and beliefs influence behavior. The late psychologist Albert Ellis of New York City, psychologist Donald Meichenbaum of Ontario, Canada, and psychiatrists Aaron Beck of Philadelphia and David Burns of the University of Pennsylvania have been particularly influential in focusing attention on the cognitive dimensions of behavior.

Ellis, for example, reduced the process to a simple ABC progression: (A) an event takes place; (B) a person sees and interprets it internally; and (C) the person reacts in some way. Part B — the perception and thought process — was often ignored in the past. Ellis simplifies it this way: “What troubles us in life is not what happens to us, but how we react to what happens.”

The work of Meichenbaum, Beck, and Burns, together with that of others in the field of cognitive behavioral therapy — much of it built upon Ellis’s early work — has produced a variety of specific procedures for developing assertive thinking. Thus you can now work on your thoughts as well as your eye contact, posture, and gestures.

Thinking, of course, is arguably the most complex thing we humans do. As you might imagine, procedures for changing our thoughts and attitudes are very complex also. We will discuss this area more in chapter 10, but for now, consider two aspects of your assertive thinking: (1) your attitudes about whether it is a good idea in general for people to be assertive; and (2) your thoughts about yourself when you are in a situation that calls for assertive action. Some people, for instance, think it is not a good idea for anybody to express himself or herself. And some think it’s okay for others, but not for themselves. If either of these beliefs rings a bell with you, we want you to pay particular attention to chapter 10 and work on thinking assertively.

Persistence

As you may recall, we opened chapter 5 with a brief story about the Senior Gleaners of Northern California and their founder, Homer Fahrner. Remember Fahrner’s comment about being persistent in the face of rejection? “I’m saying first, right out, when the crops grow, go out and see those people and persist. Because one turns you down, maybe he’s got a good reason. Go on, go on, go on.”

Indeed, persistence — going on — is a key element in assertive self-expression. Not giving up. Not saying, “Oh well, there’s nothing I can do about it.” Not concluding that you’re not worth it. Because you are worth it, and there very likely is something you can do about it.

Many of the procedures we’ve described in Your Perfect Right may be effective immediately. Speaking up clearly with good eye contact and posture appropriate to your message may get you what you’re asking for: a raise, prompt service, a refund, less noise from the neighbors. But some situations require a longer-term effort. You may need to, as Mr. Fahrner put it, “go on, go on, go on.”

That doesn’t mean, incidentally, using some variation of the once-popular “broken record” approach, in which you’re advised simply to repeat the language of your request over and over. We don’t consider that to be effective or appropriate. In fact, it’s likely to get doors slammed in your face. When we encourage “persistence,” we mean something more akin to Alan Alda’s advice to his daughter: “Be fair with others, and keep after them until they’re fair with you.”

Keep on keeping on.

Dr. Dalton Kehoe, of York University in Toronto, puts it this way in his video course Effective Communication: Ask for the change you want. Acknowledge the other’s response. Ask again. Acknowledge the other’s “truth” (“I understand how you could feel that way”). Persistence.

To get the city to fix that major pothole on your street may require repeated visits to the public works office, perhaps visits to the city manager, and maybe even an appearance before the city council. Persistence.

To get your boss to address an issue of harassment or discriminatory compensation or an unsafe working environment may mean repeated visits to the HR department, speaking up at company meetings, private conversations in his office, or a complaint to your union representatives. Persistence.

To get your “lemon” repaired properly — or replaced — may mean speaking with the dealership service manager, the general manager, the owner, the manufacturer’s district representative, the manufacturer’s public relations department, a vice president or the president of the company, or a public consumer advocate (such as a state official or a TV, magazine, or newspaper personality). Persistence.

To get the attention of the VA or Congress to improve the mental health care available to returning war veterans who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder may mean letters, petitions, visits to the district office, visits to Washington, even marches in the streets. Persistence.

All of the components of assertive behavior described here — direct language, eye contact, posture, gestures, voice qualities, and others — apply to such situations, of course. The element of persistence simply means applying them again, and again, and again, as needed.

Content

We save this obvious dimension of assertiveness for last to emphasize that although what you say is clearly important, it is often less important than most people generally believe. Many people hesitate because they don’t know what to say. Others have found the practice of saying something about their feelings at the time to be a valuable step. We encourage honest and spontaneous expression. That means saying forcefully, “I’m really upset about what you just did!” rather than, “You’re an S.O.B.!”

Verbal skills are usually developed to deal with such issues as saying no, standing up for rights, expressing warm and caring feelings, voicing anger, admitting anxiety, dealing with difficult people, responding to criticism, managing on-the-job relationships, setting limits, questioning authority, and persisting in the face of obstacles and other situations that place some emphasis on the content.

That said, let’s take a closer look at some effective ways to “slice and dice” the content of an assertive message.

I-messages. We encourage you to express yourself and to take responsibility for your feelings — not to blame the other person for how you feel. Note the difference in the above example between “I’m upset” and “You’re an S.O.B.” It is not necessary to put the other person down (aggressive) in order to express your feeling (assertive). Use I-messages to express your own feelings, rather than passing responsibility for how you feel to someone else. Your feelings are yours, and it’s okay to say so.

Expressing your feeling in the form of an I-message was the brainchild of Dr. Thomas Gordon, a California psychologist and author of the best seller Parent Effectiveness Training (which, incidentally, was published the same year as the first edition of Your Perfect Right , 1970). Dr. Gordon offered the idea in the context of parent-child communication, but it quickly found a home in all venues of interpersonal contact. The idea is simply to let the other person know how you are feeling about his or her behavior. The other interprets an I-message as a statement of how you are feeling, not as an accusation or evaluation of her or him. Thus, once again, “I’m upset” is a clearer and more effective message than “You’re an S.O.B.” Likewise, “I’m hurt” is more honest than “You’re unfair.”

Dr. Gordon, incidentally, didn’t like the idea of expressing anger as an I-message, believing that it contained a hidden you-message : implicitly blaming the other person for your anger. We don’t agree, but we do recognize the potential value of clarifying your statement by spelling it out more fully: “I’m upset about what you just did because I feel disrespected when I’m criticized in front of others.”

Categories. Psychologists Myles Cooley and James Hollandsworth developed another model for assertive statements. They grouped seven elements into three general categories:

(You may find it valuable to practice each of these categories of statements with your practice partner or by speaking into a recorder.)

Syntonics. You can best achieve your goals in communication by being in “syntony” — harmony — with the other person linguistically. Linguist Dr. Suzette Haden Elgin wrote a popular series of books on syntonics — The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense and its sequels — in which she compares effective interpersonal communication to tuning a musical instrument. You have a standard to work toward (an electronic tuner, for instance), and you must gradually adjust your pitch to equal that of the standard. Likewise in communicating, your words and your nonverbal style can be fine-tuned until they match well with those of your listener.

One of the techniques of syntonics involves adjusting to the other person’s sensory preference : seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, and tasting. Thus, one person may say, “I see what you mean,” while another means exactly the same thing when she says, “I hear you.”

(You’ll recognize the parallels here to our earlier discussion of so-called mirror neurons in the human brain. We are hardwired to mimic the feelings expressed by others as we interact.)

The idea is to help us learn to “read” our audiences and to communicate verbally and nonverbally in ways that will encourage them to respond positively to our messages. Used carefully and ethically, such procedures can be valuable tools in improved communication. (Needless to say, there is plenty of room for abuse here.)

Target Audience. One further word about content. Psychologist Donald Cheek, a neighbor and former university faculty colleague of ours, writing about assertiveness from an African American perspective, points out the need to adapt assertiveness to your cultural setting. Particularly for minorities who may find themselves in “survival” situations, Cheek emphasizes that what you say must take into consideration to whom you are saying it. So language that would be interpreted as assertive within one’s own subculture could easily be interpreted as aggressive by “outsiders.” The issue is remarkably complex, however.

For example, cross-cultural research on facial expression (recall our earlier discussion of Paul Ekman’s work) suggests that different aspects of expression are both universal and culture-specific. Individual differences may be greater than differences among cultural groups.

We do not advise that you change yourself to adapt to whatever any given situation seems to invite. Nevertheless, all of us do deal with individuals differently, depending on our respective roles and the perceived “power” of others over us. We hope you can be yourself; honesty remains the best overall guide.

What you say must take into consideration to whom you are saying it.

Assertiveness doesn’t depend upon being highly verbal, but some folks are concerned about finding the “right words.” We don’t recommend particular formulas or scripts for assertive expression because we’d rather see you use your own language. We hope it’s clear by now that the style of your delivery is more important than the words anyway. It’s surprising how often clients tell us very clearly how they feel about a particular situation and then ask, “What shall I say to the person?” Our answer is usually: “Say the same thing you just said to me!” You very likely have the “right words” without knowing it.

Don’t misunderstand us here; content is not unimportant. It’s just not usually the content that hangs people up. It is anxiety, lack of skills, or the belief that “I don’t have the right to…”

You can imagine a wide variety of situations that show the importance of how you make yourself heard. The time you spend thinking about “just the right words” would be better spent making those assertions! The ultimate goal is to express yourself — honestly and as spontaneously as the situation allows — in a manner right for you.

And finally, store this thought about content: it’s not all about you. Showing interest in and concern for another person is as important as anything you can do to assert yourself.

Check Out Your “Component Competence”

We hope this chapter has caused you to think more systematically about your own self-expression and to formulate some goals for your own work in assertiveness. To improve your familiarity with the components and to relate each one more directly to yourself, we suggest you take a few minutes right now to assess your own strengths with a short exercise.

Create a chart for yourself, such as the one on the following pages. Or, if you prefer, you can simply photocopy ours.

Now use the chart to rate yourself on each component by placing marks on the lines in accordance with how well satisfied you are with your skills in each area. You may, for example, feel “okay” about your level of eye contact and the appropriateness of your facial expression in most situations but feel your use of gestures and your voice need some work. If you really have a “way with words,” you may consider your content to be “excellent.” Take enough time to reread the descriptions of the components in this chapter and to give yourself a thorough evaluation. Be sure to record this effort in your journal.

Such a brief self-assessment is necessarily imprecise and requires you to make a “global” evaluation of your skills. (Remember that assertiveness varies with situations and people.) Nevertheless, we believe you will benefit by giving yourself this benchmark, then referring back to it in the weeks ahead — perhaps repeating the exercise and recording it in your journal from time to time — as you progress in developing greater skills in assertiveness.