Chapter 9

Assertive Messages — Twenty-First-Century Style

The effect on language of the electronic age is obvious to us all, even though the process has only just begun, and its ultimate impact is as yet unimaginable.

— Lynne Truss

Almost all of the ideas we’ve discussed so far pretty much assume that you’re face-to-face with the other person: spouses, family members, bosses, coworkers, neighbors, strangers, teachers, or salesclerks. We’ve emphasized the importance of nonverbal components of behavior (eye contact, posture, gestures, facial expression, and so on) in getting your message across.

Yet, the reality of connecting with others in the twenty-first century is that much of our contact is at a distance, not in person. Digital devices — cell phones, tablets, computers, iPads, Bluetooth — have virtually redefined the concept of interpersonal communication. We talk on a mobile phone, send e-mails and messages, comment, tweet, post photos, upload notes to interactive blogs. We’re connected via Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, Instagram, Reddit, Pinterest, Tumblr, LinkedIn, Skype, Snapchat, WhatsApp, Google Plus, Periscope, Meerkat, Slack, FireChat, imo, KaKao Talk, WeChat…and who knows what else by the time you read this. Much of this communication is private or anonymous, but a great deal is very open; we’ve come to enjoy telling the world about ourselves.

And even when we are face-to-face, many of us avoid contact. Stroll downtown or through a shopping mall; walk across a contemporary college campus; sit for a while in a restaurant or in the library. Doesn’t it seem that every other person is talking to someone somewhere else via cell phone or thumbing a text or tweet? Seems hardly anyone actually looks at the people around them or makes eye contact anymore. Indeed, there is evidence reported in the literature of psychology that suggests we may be losing some of our ability to communicate in person, at least in part due to our reliance on high-tech devices. It’s common to see youngsters in the same room “talking” to one another via text or some other online medium.

What are the implications of assertiveness for the many ways people connect today?

How Will You Send It?

Actually, there seems to be no end to the variety of methods for delivering your assertive messages. The means you choose will depend upon your target audience, the nature of your message, your time frame, and other variables.

The number of possibilities for contact at a distance is mind-boggling, and they’re not all high-tech or even new. Let’s not ignore the “old-time” systems such as letters, notes, letters to the editor, newspaper ads, speeches or lectures, call-in radio shows, landline phone calls, billboards, public events, radio spots, public service announcements, picket signs, protest marches, press releases, and skywriting (Don’t laugh; marriages have been proposed in the sky!).

Some of these approaches are more obvious than others, and it’s not our purpose here to give you a detailed guide to all the possibilities. It’s evident that many of the components of behavior we’ve discussed are not available to us when we’re talking on the phone, typing an e-mail, or tapping out a text message. Eye contact, posture, and gestures are no longer relevant. Facial expression matters on YouTube, but not in a letter.

But wait! Turns out that posture may be more relevant than we thought. A recent study at Harvard Business School, reported in the New York Times , suggests that the slouchy posture many of us adopt while talking or messaging on our cells may lead us to be less assertive, less likely to stand up for ourselves!

Assertiveness Counts

We hope that by now you’ll agree that assertiveness has a place in all forms of self-expression. How we express ourselves remains the key, so we can address ways one might apply the principles you’re learning in this book to your communication with others via one or more of the many venues — including the newer technological systems — for connecting.

Regardless of the system of communication you’re using — face-to-face, digital, written, phone — there are some pretty basic guidelines for dealing assertively in your interaction with others. You may not be able to express yourself remotely via eye contact, posture, facial expression, or gestures, but you can “make yourself heard” effectively by whatever means are available to you.

Our take on assertive communication at a distance begins with the key qualities of assertive behavior we listed in chapter 5: assertiveness — either face-to-face or from afar — is self-expressive , respectful , honest , direct and firm , equalizing , both verbal (content) and nonverbal (style), positive at times (affection, praise) and negative at times (anger, criticism), appropriate for the person and situation , socially responsible , both learned and hardwired , and persistent when it needs to be.

And don’t forget the basics we’ve discussed in previous chapters. That said, what’s unique about assertive communication at a distance?

Phone Messages

Written Messages — Online or Snail Mail

Tools for Self-Expression Online I: Emoticons and Emojis. An emoticon is an icon typed in text to express an emotion, hence the term emot (ion)icon . The resulting characters, read sideways, look a bit like the expression on a human face. Professor Scott Fahlman of Carnegie Mellon University takes credit for this innovative form of digital communication, which he says he first sent in 1982.

Here are a few of the common ones you may have seen or may want to consider inserting in your own messages:

There are dozens more in common usage. And you may find creative symbols to express other feelings such as fear, excitement, exhaustion, affection, and assertiveness.

“Emoticons,” said the late professor Clifford Nass of Stanford University, “reflect the likely original purpose of language — to enable people to express emotion.” They are a handy, though imperfect, substitute for tone of voice and other nonverbal components in the digital environment. And some folks sketch them in handwritten communications also.

Emojis, though similar to emoticons, are actual pictures — usually cartoon-style — not typographic characters. They are unique to particular apps, so to complicate matters further, Facebook, Twitter, Google, and other applications each have their own emojis that may not be supported by another system’s software. If you include an Apple emoji in your iPad text, your friend’s Android may not display it accurately, if at all.

Tools for Self-Expression Online (or Offline) II: Write Clearly. Yeah, okay, we know. Writing style and grammar are boring. You just want to say it, right? Sure, but don’t you also want the other person to get it?

We heard recently from a high school senior who nearly lost a friend thanks to an e-mail exchange that went astray: “I had someone get very upset at me because they thought I was being sarcastic on a topic I was totally serious about. So, when in doubt, or if you think there could be a doubt, be sure to clarify.” Sound advice, in our view.

Eats, Shoots & Leaves became a best seller in the United States and the United Kingdom, despite the fact that it’s a book about punctuation! Author Lynne Truss used the catchy title to emphasize the importance of the lowly comma, in this case, to describe the feeding habits of the giant panda. (These bears don’t really shoot after they eat, do they?) Truss points out the problem of clarifying one’s intent:

[H]ow often do you hear people complain that emails subtract the tone of voice; that it’s hard to tell if someone is joking or not?… Which is why, of course, people use so many dashes and italics and capitals (“I AM joking!”) to compensate. That’s why they came up with the emoticon, too — the emoticon being the greatest (or most desperate) advance in punctuation since the question mark in the reign of Charlemagne.

To further spell out the point, Truss offers the following example:

“A woman, without her man, is nothing.”

“A woman: without her, man is nothing.”

As you see, we ignore punctuation at our peril!

Tools for Self-Expression Online III: Shorthand. Text messaging and instant messaging, as well as e-mail, have spawned a whole new shorthand language to speed up communication. Once again, we caution that the farther you go from plain language, the more likely it is you’ll be misunderstood. With that caveat, here are some of the shorthand items in common usage in online communications:

Children Online

If you have children living at home, you know how wedded the upcoming generation is to cybercommunications. All of the media systems mentioned above — cell phones, iPads, text messaging, online posts, blogs, and so forth — are heavily used by youngsters. Indeed, most people over forty have probably been taught how to use all the newfangled devices by those under eighteen (or maybe under twelve!). And those youngsters have never known life without them.

One issue that deserves attention in our conversation about assertiveness in “long-distance” communications is that of safety. Particularly for young people, the hazards of contact with strangers in cyberspace are very real. Cautious child-safety monitors have even come up with a name for these hazards: “the 4Ps.” They are privacy , predators , pornography , and pop-ups . Simply stated, it is critical that you prepare your children to deal with these online and telephone issues, just as you would instruct them to handle the situations in person.

Don’t settle for a simplistic “Don’t talk to strangers.” You’ll need to get specific about some of the things they’re likely to encounter and how you want them to respond. For instance, what about a “friend” who responds to a Pinterest or Twitter post, begins a friendly correspondence, and then asks for personal information or a face-to-face meeting? What about someone who wants a home address so they can send a “gift” or birthday card? (Hint: the answer is a two-letter word beginning with “n.”)

And it’s not only strangers who are problems in cyberspace. Not all the bullies are hanging out on the way home from school anymore; some are waiting at their computers to intimidate and humiliate your kids. One recent estimate is that about 40 percent of teens experience some form of “cyberbullying” in any year. Offensive text messages, nasty comments posted on Tumblr or other online sites, rumors spread on a community or school website, and other forms of harassment are common, and they’re at least as painful for the teen as personal attacks at school.

How to handle the bullies? Just as you would in person: ignore them as much as possible; stand up to them assertively when you must; report them to authorities (for online bullies, that may mean contacting the site or internet service provider); and take the initiative by letting those who matter to you know the real story.

The best advice we’ve heard to help kids handle online intrusions boils down to this:

For more suggestions about protecting your children online, visit the websites of the American Academy of Pediatrics, the National Education Association, and the US Federal Trade Commission (see the list of online resources at the back of this book).

In this chapter, we’ve followed a path off the main road to explore the newer tools for communication because we think it’s important not to lose the message in the medium. Regardless of the venue that you use to assert yourself, we don’t want you to forget that the bottom line is to express yourself while respecting the other person . (And don’t forget to program your robot to do the same!)

So — unless you’re driving — keep in touch by cell or Bluetooth or landline, text or voice, letter or blog, gram or tweet, desktop or laptop or tablet or smart phone, but be sure that your message is clear and heard in the way you mean it and that it shows respect for the other person while you attempt to achieve your goals and needs. And accept no less from those who would make contact with you.