Chapter 14

Assertiveness Builds Equal Relationships

Unity is plural and, at minimum, is two.

— R. Buckminster Fuller

“Stand up for yourself” is the slogan often equated with being assertive. But there’s much more to assertive living than defending your rights. We’ve observed that positive, caring feelings are even more difficult for many people to express than stand-up-for-yourself behavior. Expressions of warmth are often held back, particularly by adults. Embarrassment, fear of rejection or ridicule, and the idea that reason is superior to emotion — all are excuses for not expressing warmth, caring, and love spontaneously. Effective assertiveness can contribute much to greater freedom in your communication of positive feelings toward others.

The first edition of Your Perfect Right was devoted almost exclusively to fostering stand-up-for-yourself behavior. In a critical review of that first edition, published in the professional journal Behavior Therapy in 1971, the late psychiatrist Michael Serber, a colleague who had substantial influence on our work, noted our oversight:

Certainly, behavioral skills necessary to stand up to the multiple personal, social, and business situations confronting the majority of people are imperative to master. But what of other just as necessary skills, such as being able to give and take tenderness and affection? Is not the expression of affection toward other people also assertion?… The ability to express warmth and affection, to be able to give and take feelings, including anger, badly needs…special attention. … Humanistic goals and behavioral techniques can yield both meaningful and concrete new behaviors.

In this chapter, we’ll give special attention to the expression of affection and other positive feelings. Anger comes up in chapters 17 and 18.

Your Social Brain

Research on the human brain, as we discussed in earlier chapters, has brought us exciting insights into why we humans think and act as we do. One of the most exciting aspects of those findings has been the discovery of the brain connections and pathways that help to define us as social beings. Neuroscientists have been able, via such newer high-tech systems as functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), to actually view the brain activity patterns, which “light up” during social contacts.

Nature Plus Nurture

Some of those patterns are “hardwired” — born in us in the form of temperament — and some we learn from life experiences , particularly in our early years. “Temperament” is the term used to label inborn personality predispositions, such as one’s tendency to shyness, social facility, or aggression. Those qualities are not irreversible but will persist into adulthood if reinforced by the person’s upbringing and other life experiences along the way.

The development of our social brain is centered on a complex interaction of the neural connections and patterns that come from both “nature” and “nurture.” Thus our social attitudes and behavior are governed by an integration, in the developing brain, of pathways that are there from day one with those that develop through learning over the life span. Our ability to sense, understand, and respond to one another’s feelings comes from the way our brains put together these extremely complex networks.

Social Learning

Pretty much the only thing we can do about our temperaments is to focus on learning all we can to get beyond the limitations we’re born with. Children who learn early in life that manipulating, overpowering, and intimidating others (aggression) pays off will use those techniques to get what they want, rather than developing socially appropriate (assertive) skills.

Similarly, children who grow up very insecure or fearful — perhaps from the early loss of a parent — also seem to have difficulty developing appropriate assertiveness. They don’t recognize, or don’t trust, their own emotions. They tend to be very anxious in social situations, and they don’t learn effective social skills.

Thus it seems clear from research in neuroscience that individuals who are temperamentally inclined to be aggressive or fearful, or who fail to learn socially appropriate attitudes and behaviors in childhood, will find it difficult as adults to develop social sensitivity and effective social skills — “social intelligence.”

Does that mean you can’t learn to be assertive if you fit into one of those groups? Not at all. It does mean that you may have to work a bit harder to achieve the changes you seek.

It’s well beyond the scope of this book to offer a detailed explanation of the impact of brain on attitudes and behavior — and we certainly don’t claim expertise in neuroscience. What’s important in the context of our discussion of relationships is to recognize:

So let’s press on and learn more about how you can develop more effective social skills, with or without a temperament that predisposes you to social facility.

“What the World Needs Now…”

More than six decades ago, psychoanalyst Erich Fromm defined five types of love in his classic book The Art of Loving . The book is old, but Fromm’s perspective on love is timeless. He discusses at length the concepts of fraternal love, maternal love, erotic love, love of God, and self-love.

For example, he discusses fraternal love — caring for other members of the human family — which has a very different quality than the popular romantic idea of love. It is a vital and critically important aspect of our lives on this small planet. However independent we may become, we humans are fundamentally interdependent and social creatures.

Effective assertive communication can build positive, equal relationships between people — the most valuable assets any human being can have.

Reaching Out

Expressing your warm feelings for another person is a highly assertive act.

Expressing your warm feelings for another person is a highly assertive act. And, as with other assertions we have noted, the action itself is more important by far than the words you use. This is even more true for expressions of caring. Nothing represents a more personal, individual expression than that which says, “You mean a great deal to me at this moment.”

Here are some ways of communicating that message:

Not one of these messages is new to you. Yet you may find it difficult to allow yourself to do or say them. It is too easy to be hung up on embarrassment or to assume that “She knows how I feel” or “He doesn’t care to hear that.” But who doesn’t care to hear that? All of us need to know we are cared about and admired and needed. If those around us are too subtle in their expressions of positive regard, we may begin to doubt and perhaps to look elsewhere for human warmth.

We asked some university students what makes them feel especially good. Here are some of their favorite experiences (notice how many involve someone else caring):

We all need positive contact with others. Therapists encounter many, many clients who are unhappy precisely because they are not getting such “strokes” in their lives.

Imagine the following scenes:

Take a few moments to jot down in your journal how you would feel in each of those situations.

Thoughtful acts like these are not only strokes for the receiver, they also produce warm feelings for the person who reached out assertively. And not just warm feelings. Check this out: psychologist-author Daniel Goleman (2006) reports recent brain research showing that certain parts of the brain “light up” (under fMRI scanning) in special moments of human contact, such as hearing the voice of an old friend. What’s more, not only do good feelings result, but such connections actually stimulate the immune system. The result is that those with good social support systems — such as warm friendships — live healthier lives.

Such initiative involves concern for the other person and some courage of your own. Yet people often hesitate to make contact for fear of rejection — a common excuse for avoiding assertions. Realistically, when you think about it, who could reject such a kindness?

Often, actions like these are easier than you might suppose. As you enter a classroom, a meeting, or a bus, think how easy it would be simply to approach a vacant seat and ask the person sitting nearest, “Is anyone sitting here?” Not only have you found a place to sit (assuming the seat is available), you have begun a conversation! Having thus opened contact, you may easily proceed to find out more about the other person: “Where are you headed?” “Have you heard this lecturer before?” “My name is…”

Don’t wait for others to take the initiative. Take the risk of reaching out. It’s a key means of caring about yourself and about others and an important step toward greater assertiveness and more fun.

“Thanks, I Needed That!”

Sadly enough, compliments are a frequent source of discomfort — both giving and receiving. To praise someone as a person or to recognize something someone has done may be a difficult thing for you. Again, we encourage practice. Go out of your way to praise others — not dishonestly or insincerely, but whenever a genuine opportunity presents itself. Don’t concern yourself with waiting for “just the right words” either. Your thoughtfulness — the honest expression of what you are feeling — will convey itself, if you act. Simply try, “I like what you did” or “Great!” or a big smile.

Saying thank you is difficult for some people. As the CEO of an organization with thousands of employees, Geoffrey was quick to criticize, but he rarely expressed appreciation directly to the people on his staff. He seldom openly rewarded, recognized, or even acknowledged a job well done. Because the chief executive was afraid to act in warm and positive ways (Perhaps he might appear “soft” or others might come to expect rewards?), staff turnover in the firm was high and morale was low.

Accepting compliments — receiving very supportive statements directed toward you or about you from another person — is perhaps an even more challenging task, and it’s particularly difficult if you are not feeling good about yourself. Nevertheless, it is an assertive act — and mutually enhancing — to accept praise from another person.

Think about it: you really have no right to deny another person’s perception of you. If you say, “Oh, you just caught me on a good day” or “It wasn’t anything special” or “It was an accident that it turned out well,” you have in effect said the compliment giver has poor judgment. It is as if you told that person, “You’re wrong!” Try to allow everyone the right to feelings; if others are positive toward you, do them — and yourself — the courtesy of accepting their compliments.

You don’t have to go around praising yourself or taking credit for achievements that are not your own. However, when another person sincerely wishes to convey a positive comment about you, allow the expression without rejection or qualification. Try saying, at the least, “It’s hard for me to accept that, but thank you,” or better yet, simply say, “That feels good” or “I like to hear that.”

Supermodel Kathy Ireland has this to say about how to take a compliment:

A compliment is a gift. It’s not relevant that you may not agree with the giver’s opinion of you. In some ways, the compliment is not even about you; it’s about the fact that someone else cared enough to think of you and to share his or her thoughts in a positive way. So the best way to handle one? With a heartfelt, “Thank you.”

We agree. And, incidentally, it doesn’t hurt to offer a polite “You’re welcome” in response. What is it with “No problem”? Sounds pretty dismissive of the other person, don’t you think?

Apologies

One of the early issues that assertiveness trainers used to focus on back in the 1970s and 1980s was the tendency many nonassertive people had to apologize too much. In fact, it used to be pretty common for women especially to open a conversation with “I’m sorry, but…” A correction was clearly needed for those who seemed to be sorry about their very existence.

These days, however, we may have gone overboard in the other direction, leading many people to avoid an apology when one is clearly in order. It’s not self-demeaning to admit you’ve made a mistake or screwed up. In fact, it’s downright courageous and ethical to accept responsibility for your actions. You needn’t wallow in it, however.

NBC TV’s Al Roker has some straightforward advice on how to say you’re sorry:

Look the person straight in the eye and say, “I’m sorry.” Don’t embellish it by making excuses or trying to explain why you screwed up. Just ask for forgiveness.

The important thing here is not to apologize for being yourself . You’re human; you make mistakes and come up short at times. So does everybody else. When you do mess up, apologize briefly — following Al Roker’s model — and get on with your life.

Friendship

“Nancy has seen me at my worst, watched me make stupid mistakes, felt the sting of my unjustified anger, and been there when I was coming apart at the seams. It’s amazing she’s still my friend!”

There is no relationship quite like that of friendship. Not so irrational as love, yet far more intense than acquaintance, friendship is perhaps the least understood of human interactions.

Actual knowledge about friendship continues to be sketchy at best; most relationship research involves strangers or lovers. Yet some popular wisdom is useful in examining the bond between friends:

Effective assertive communication can build positive, equal relationships between people.

Friendship is held within us; it’s an attitude toward another person much like love, anger, or prejudice. It requires no regular outward expression. It requires merely a feeling of commitment to the relationship. Often, the belief that the other person cares about you, that the other values the relationship as well, supports such a feeling. If we believe that we are important to each other — important enough that we think of each other warmly now and again — we will likely remain friends, even if we don’t see each other for years.

It’s common to see tearful reunions at airports, parties, and homecomings between friends who have not seen each other for ages. Friendships often survive no more contact than an annual ritual holiday card! What keeps them going? Can such a relationship really be called a “friendship”? Why not?

“True friendship,” says Letty Cottin Pogrebin in her book Among Friends , “describes a feeling…best captured by the word ‘soulmate’ in Aristotle’s sense of ‘a single soul dwelling in two bodies’…a feeling that can happen to any two people who are caught up in the act of being themselves, together, and who like what they see.”

But what has this to do with assertiveness? How does assertive action contribute to friendship or vice versa?

Consider this hypothesis: if you act assertively most of the time, you are more likely to have satisfying relationships than if you act in nonassertive or aggressive ways. We can’t prove that idea. In fact, we have not even dreamed up a research study that would allow us to test it. But our observation of assertive people over many years leads us to conclude that it’s a pretty good bet.

Acting on that idea, then, and assuming that you would like to have satisfying relationships, we invite you to apply the assertive skills you are learning to the development of friendship:

As adults, friendship helps to define who we are, much as family does when we are children. (The absence of friends also says a great deal about us.) Assertive action on your part can make all the difference in nurturing friendships. Maybe you’ve put it off long enough?

The Battle of the Sexes Is Over…and It’s a Draw!

One of the most obvious realms of concern about equality in relationships has been that of the “battle of the sexes.” The late twentieth and early twenty-first centuries have seen major changes in how we view male-female relationships — at home, at work, in society.

Times of upheaval in such ingrained social traditions as gender roles produce abundant misunderstandings and high stress levels. After all, both genders have been conditioned for generations to behave toward each other in certain ways. Hereditary, biological, and biochemical factors also have influenced each gender differently. The abandonment of traditions and movement toward equality has come with a price, and each of us may choose to pay that price with impatience and conflict or with patience and cooperation.

Some popular writers — Deborah Tannen (You Just Don’t Understand and Talking from 9 to 5) and John Gray (Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus ) among them — have taken the position that men and women are raised in different cultures. That may still be partly true, yet we don’t agree that there are consistent differences that characterize males and females. In fact, most research in the field shows that the similarities among us are greater than the differences.

There are inequalities, biases, prejudices, myths, and false beliefs within both male and female cultures, and it doesn’t help anything to assume that any of us consciously set out to cause difficulties for each other.

We suggest an assertive effort — based on patience and cooperation — to bridge whatever “gender gap” you may experience in your relationships:

Assertiveness in a Shrinking World

A final note before we leave this chapter on relationships. All of us live in networks that begin with ourselves as individuals, touch family and friends closest to us, and include neighbors, membership groups, community, region, nation, hemisphere, and world. (Even the universe? We are exploring Mars!) Events that happen in the next block, the next town, in a nearby state, even across the world can have lasting effects upon our lives, including the obvious example that has been on everyone’s mind since 2001: acts of international terrorism.

And we know about those events within moments, thanks to the internet, built-in cameras in cell phones, and social media, as well as traditional means such as television news. The changes, and the speed with which they come at us, are mind-boggling.

People all over the globe are asserting their independence — declaring their rights of freedom and self-determination. For most, the cost is terribly high. Rebels and freedom fighters in many lands have become refugees, fleeing dictatorships, wars, and extreme poverty and seeking asylum wherever it may be available. Perhaps by the time you’re reading this, some of those issues will have been resolved — one hopes in favor of democracy and relief for the victims.

As local autonomy, nationalism, and independence are increasingly asserted worldwide, let’s remember our own world citizenship in the process. The earth is small; we can’t afford to be arrogant about political boundaries, despite the ideas and actions of political officials in some countries. Relationships with others begin at home, in the neighborhood, at the workplace, in the community; but they must extend to our fellow human beings all over this tiny globe. At risk is our continued existence as a species.