Chapter 16

Assertiveness, Intimacy, and Sexuality

I’m feeling great, and I have sex almost every day. Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…

— Jack LaLanne, fitness guru, at ninety-three

The words “I love you,” according to author Judith Viorst, “can be translated into his willingness to lace my ski boots, and to listen to my discussion of infant diarrhea…and to not say anything at all when I’ve just done something spectacularly stupid.”

Jack LaLanne’s pun on sex and Judith Viorst’s thoughts on love serve as bookends for this chapter’s discussion of sex and intimacy. You’ll find that assertiveness can improve both intimate and sexual relationships in your life. (“Wait! Aren’t those the same thing?” you may ask.)

Are Intimacy and Sex the Same Thing?

Many people use the words “intimacy” and “sex” interchangeably. They define sexual expression and intimate expression in the same breath, as if they were equivalent.

They’re not.

Intimacy includes much, much more than sex. Think of it this way: if you put a tiny pinch of cinnamon into a bowl filled with a host of other ingredients, it adds a zing of flavor to the final outcome. Sex is like that touch of cinnamon. It adds zing, but it is far from the whole recipe.

As a result of our interest in assertive, equal relationships, we’ve devoted intensive study to the factors that contribute to healthy intimate partnerships. In our book Accepting Each Other , we described six vital dimensions of intimacy. Sex didn’t make the first team. It’s important, of course, but it’s a second-string player.

Don’t misunderstand. We don’t underestimate the significance of the sexual relationship. It’s just not the all-important factor lots of folks make it out to be.

When anybody bothers to ask couples how important sex is to their overall happiness, most rank it below such intimacy variables as communication, understanding, and commitment. You can guess why. True intimate sexual expression is a result more than it is a cause of overall healthy intimacy. While the prevailing myth would have us believe that sex is the best indicator of a happy couple, the reality is that happiness is dependent upon the total relationship. Sex is a part, but a small part.

If not sex, then what is intimacy?

Here’s our definition:

Intimacy is a quality of a relationship between two people who care deeply about each other that is characterized by mutual attraction, open and honest communication, commitment to continuation of the partnership, enjoyment of life together, a sense of purpose for the relationship, and mutual trust that honors and respects both partners.

Genuine intimacy is a complex blend of those six major dimensions, which also (not by accident) fit the acronym ACCEPT. This model of intimacy embodies the idea of acceptance of yourself, of each other, and of your relationship. Acceptance is truly the heart of intimacy.

It’s worth noting, too, that all intimate partnerships are interdependent systems in which the two individuals, the six dimensions of their relationship, and their environment are constantly interacting.

Intimacy is a vital thread that weaves through virtually every aspect of a love relationship. When it’s healthy, it helps increase a couple’s happiness, satisfaction, and fulfillment, improving communication, attitudes, love for each other — and sex life.

Is That All There Is?

The importance of sexuality varies with the couple involved, of course, and without a sexual relationship, a key way to express love is lost. If sex is primary, however, the relationship may be shallow — and fragile.

In very intimate relationships, as between lovers, it is often assumed that each partner knows the feelings of the other. Such assumptions may lead to the marriage therapist’s office with complaints such as “I never know how he feels,” “She never tells me she loves me,” “We just don’t communicate anymore.” Therapists often help couples to build communication patterns that allow each partner to express caring feelings openly. The expression of caring won’t solve all the ills of an ailing marriage, but it can “shore up the foundation” by helping each partner remember what was good about the relationship in the first place.

The late psychologist Arnold Lazarus, who taught at Rutgers University for the majority of his career, identified two dozen “myths” that create major problems in many relationships. In his book Marital Myths Revisited , Dr. Lazarus suggested that the myth “True lovers automatically know each other’s thoughts and feelings” is particularly destructive of intimate relationships. Lazarus’s advice? Don’t take it for granted! Don’t assume! Communicate!

But it doesn’t help to beat your partner over the head with “self-disclosure.” The most basic fact about intimacy is that, by its very nature, it is shared with another person; but taking the idea of “sharing” to extremes can get you in trouble. Telling your partner “everything” under the guise of “total honesty” is an exercise in emotional self-indulgence that may result in greater distance between you rather than increased closeness. Don’t sacrifice your relationship on the altar of unreserved self-expression. And if you do, don’t bother to call it “assertive”!

Assertive Sexuality

In earlier chapters, we discussed self-expression as a need of all humans. Sexual expression is a key dimension of that need. Anxiety, skills, attitudes, obstacles — all are elements of sexual communication, along with the components of verbal and nonverbal behavior described in chapter 8. What you have already learned about assertiveness is a good foundation for your assertive sexual communication.

The Sexual Communication Types chart (on pages 180–181 ) depicts four styles for expressing feelings about sexual interaction. For each style, five subcategories help narrow down our meaning: trait descriptions, inner thoughts, outer expressions, affect, and body language.

There are several important considerations to keep in mind about the four styles of sexual communication:

1. None of us is purely one type or another. Each person may lean heavily one way, but we all exhibit all four behaviors at times. Come on now, admit it, even you! You have been known to pout a little or come on too strong or ineptly fumble around, haven’t you? And, of course, there are times when you are quite confident, direct, and assured. We would all like to be purely assertive, but no one is perfect.
2. The goal in sexual communication is to have the capability and choice to respond as you like. Many of us respond by default, lacking the skills, attitudes, or behaviors necessary to be fully aware and in control of our sexual expressions. Those who keep working at it, however, do begin to find their relationships more satisfying and fulfilling.
3. The motivation for some behavior is beyond our awareness. We fool ourselves. Of course, we think that we always understand why we react in certain ways, but don’t be so sure. Feelings that are unresolved seem to appear in unexpected forms of behavior.
4. All sexual communication is two-way, or of mutual concern. This brings us back to devotion and commitment. Keep in mind your purpose. It isn’t manipulation, deceit, always pleasing the other person, or always being right. It is working things out together, realizing that you both play an equal part in your sexual communication.
5. Body language and spoken language are both vital in sexual expression. The chart hints at the key components. Keep in mind that sexual assertiveness is much more than the words you use. Perhaps here, more than in other situations, body language is vital.

Sex Is a Social Activity

New knowledge and greater sexual expressiveness bring increased responsibility. Safe sex, contraception, gender roles, sexual identity and LGBTQ issues, teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, abortion, promiscuity, prostitution, assault…society’s gains and losses related to changing sexual attitudes and behaviors are almost mind-boggling. Sex is not just something that happens between two people in the privacy of their relationship.

A book on assertiveness is not the place for an extended discussion of these issues, but in encouraging an assertive lifestyle, including assertiveness in sexual matters, we must address a few of our major concerns, especially when they are topics in the news virtually every day. We don’t presume to offer solutions to these major social problems, but a few comments are in order:

• Each person has a fundamental human right to self-determination. It is a basic tenet of assertiveness, as discussed throughout this book, that each of us has the right to be and to express ourselves, and to feel good (not powerless or guilty) about doing so, as long as we do not hurt others in the process.
• Sex education for children belongs in the home, and in the schools, and in the media. There is no legitimate evidence that educating our young people about their bodies and about the sexual and reproductive processes increases the likelihood that they will engage in sexual activity prematurely. There is abundant evidence that lack of adequate sex education leads to unwanted teen pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases.

• We all must learn to speak to others openly about sex. Acquaintances, friends, and — unspeakably — family members commit the vast majority of sexual assaults. Each of us must learn to respect and protect our bodies and to say no directly and assertively to unwanted sexual advances. That learning should begin at an early age, preferably at home.
• Knowledge of safe sex practice is critically important to every adult and young adult. When the time and the person are right, it’s also time to be safe and assertive. Each of us must take responsibility for keeping ourselves and our sexual partners healthy by following safe sex practices.

Some Basic Skill Areas of Assertive Sexuality

In the landscape of sexual communication, there are several key situations that repeatedly arise in relationships. Here are a few of them, along with some suggested “words of wisdom” that you may find useful.

• Saying no. Because of the sensitive nature of sexual communication, it doesn’t hurt to use a little empathy and understanding in the process of saying no.
  • “I am not trying to hurt your feelings, but no, I don’t want to do that.”
  • “I love you, but I am really too tired tonight. How about tomorrow night?”

    (We discuss situations that call for more than a simple no in the next section.)

• Saying yes. We all like a little enthusiasm, especially when we propose something amorous!
  • “Sure. I’ll go for that!”
  • “That sounds neat. Yes.”
  • “Yes, let’s have intercourse tonight.”
• Being playful/breaking new ground. Why should sex be dull and boring or the same all the time? Why not take risks, explore with each other, and try something new? We need a freer, more imaginative, and playful approach to sexuality.
  • “Honey, I’ve been reading this new book and I’d sure like to try some new positions tonight.”
  • “Would you like a massage with almond oil?”
  • “Instead of intercourse, let’s only kiss and fondle tonight.”
• Listening. The above situations involve speaking out. The other side, listening, may be a lost art — especially when it comes to close, personal, intimate relationships. Take time to hear what your partner is saying. Marital therapists often assign homework to help couples improve their listening skills. For example, try repeating back what your partner says and getting confirmation that you have heard the message correctly before you reply. Then have your partner do the same thing: fully, accurately listen to you before replying. It certainly can help you to feel heard and valued. (Take another look at the section on listening in chapter 8.)
• Negotiating/compromising. These are skills that are helpful in all aspects of an intimate relationship. Learning to give and take, to let it be known what you need and desire, and to take turns are all necessary in assertive sexuality.

To help you better understand types of sexual communication, including “typical” nonassertive, aggressive, and assertive responses, you’ll find a few sample scenarios in the “Intimate Situations” section of the appendix.

When No Is Not Enough

Sexual coercion of and assault on women is a major personal and social problem throughout the world. Estimates and research findings vary widely, but it appears that at least a quarter of all women over age eighteen have experienced some form of unwanted sexual activity. Most such unfortunate events involve friends, relatives, or dates. Only a small percentage is actually committed by strangers. Too many women cannot say no and make it stick — and too many men behave like spoiled children who won’t take no for an answer.

Since women are most often (though not always) the victims of unwanted sexual advances, the vast majority of programs for dealing with the problem have been directed at them. Until men begin to accept responsibility for treating women with respect, such efforts will continue to center on arming women with self-protection techniques. Assertiveness training has been used with great effectiveness in this area.

Here are a few suggestions for developing your own assertive approach to preventing unwanted sexual advances:

• Prepare yourself by recognizing your needs and building your assertiveness skills.
• Talk about it openly with dates and coworkers.
• Be clear from the onset — set limits.
• Don’t create expectations.
• Don’t send double messages — verbally or nonverbally.
• Say no firmly when limits are exceeded.
• Demand that your partner (date, coworker) take responsibility.
• Leave yourself an out (don’t get trapped).
• Raise your voice if you are ignored.
• Report violations to appropriate authorities.

Take steps to improve your assertiveness in responding to such situations. Practice your “saying no” skills in a variety of circumstances, particularly those you’d prefer to avoid.

A special note to our male readers: we urge you to consider seriously your own attitudes about women, about sexuality, about the rights of each person to self-determination, and about respect for everyone. If you tolerate or encourage other men to “prove themselves” sexually, you are contributing to the problem even if you yourself do not engage in coercive behaviors. If you assume that dinner and a show, or a few dates, or even a promise of a future relationship “earns” you the right to a sexual relationship against the will of your partner, you are still caught up in “macho mode.” Think about how you might act if you really accepted a woman as your equal in the relationship and if you were to treat her with the respect that equality demands. Then do it.

President Barack Obama put it this way in a 2016 article in Glamour magazine: “It is absolutely men’s responsibility to fight sexism too. And as spouses and partners and boyfriends, we need to work hard and be deliberate about creating truly equal relationships.”

Assertiveness and Equality in Intimate Relationships

We have often pointed out in this book that genuine assertiveness is a means for establishing equality in a relationship, not simply for expressing your own needs. Nowhere does that fact have more direct application than in the realm of intimate partnerships. In a relationship characterized by equality, love, and honest assertive expression, the intimate dimension can grow to immense mutual satisfaction. Without those qualities, a fulfilling intimate relationship is unlikely.