Chapter 24

Helping Others Deal with the New Assertive You

All paths lead to the same goal: to convey to others what we are.

— Pablo Neruda

As you have grown in your own assertiveness, you have noticed changes in those around you. Your family, friends, coworkers, and others may have found it strange that you have changed, and they may not be altogether happy about it.

Most people like to be able to predict how others will act in a given situation:

• “Mom’s not going to like that!”
• “You’ll really get it when your father gets home!”
• “The boss is going to hit the ceiling!”
• “Jim will really be pleased.”

And they’ll usually express surprise if their expectations are not met:

• “Why is Mary acting so differently these days?”
• “What’s gotten into George?”
• “It’s not like you to say something like that.”
• “You never used to mind if I borrowed your things!”

Your growing assertiveness will have some direct effects upon those closest to you. They may be glad to see you behaving more effectively; however, they may find it uncomfortable that you have begun to talk back or to deny them full control in certain situations. You can prepare them for the changes in you; it will make a difference in how well they support you in your growth.

How Does It Look from Outside?

People will notice. They’ll wonder why you’re no longer a pushover or a grump. Some will applaud the changes, others will decry them — but they’ll notice. It’s common for students of assertiveness to overdo it at first. That makes the changes even more noticeable. Others may see you as suddenly aggressive, and you may be. If you are saying no for the first time in your life, you may get a kick out of really belting it out. “No — and don’t ask me again!”

If you overreact like that and flaunt your newfound self-expression, others will resent it. Not only are you no longer predictable, you are a royal pain in the neck! From the point of view of your friends and family, you may appear to be a pushy so-and-so — one they’d just as soon would go away.

If, instead, you’re too tentative about your assertions, others may notice that something is changed but not realize what you are trying to do.

It may be a good idea to let those closest to you know what you are trying to do — at least those you can trust — and perhaps even to ask them for help. Becoming assertive will eventually involve your friends if you are successful; there is no reason to hide it from those who could help you along the way. More on this later in the chapter.

Be Aware of Your Impact on Others

You will need to develop some sensitivity to the reactions of others to your assertion. You can teach yourself to observe the effects and to watch for the subtle clues to others’ reactions — many of the same nonverbal behaviors we have stressed in assertive expression. You’ve learned to pay attention to your own eye contact, posture, gestures, facial expression, voice, and distance. Tune in to the same characteristics in your listeners to help you assess how you are coming across and how they are responding.

Potential Adverse Reactions

Although we’ve found few negative results in many years of helping people learn to be assertive, we know that some people do respond disagreeably when they face assertion. Even if the assertion is handled well, one may at times be faced with unpleasant reactions. Here are a few examples:

• Backbiting. After you have asserted yourself, the other person involved may be disgruntled, though perhaps not openly. For instance, if you see someone pushing her grocery cart into the line ahead of you and you respond assertively, she may go to the end of the line but grumble while passing you. You may hear such things as, “Who do you think you are, anyway?” or “Oh, nice!” or “Thanks a lot!” (sarcastically) or “Whatever…” We think the best solution is simply to ignore the childish behavior. If you do retort in some manner, you are likely only to complicate the situation by acknowledging that the words got to you.
• Aggression. At times, the other party may become outwardly hostile toward you. Yelling or screaming or physical reactions such as bumping, shoving, and hitting could be involved. Again, the best approach is to avoid escalating the situation. You may choose to express regret that your actions upset the other person, but remain steadfast in your assertion. This is especially true if you will have future contact. Backing down on your assertion will simply reward this negative reaction, and the next time you assert yourself with this person, the probability will be high that you will receive another aggressive reaction.
• Temper tantrums. In certain situations, you may assert yourself with someone who is used to being in charge. Such a person may react to your assertion by looking hurt, claiming precarious health, saying “You don’t like me!” crying, feeling sorry for himself, or otherwise attempting to control you or make you feel guilty. Again, you must choose, but it is nearly always best to ignore such behavior.
• Psychosomatic reactions. Some individuals may actually become physically ill if you thwart a long-established habit. Abdominal pains, headaches, and feeling faint are just a few of the symptoms possible. Choose to be firm in the assertion, recognizing that the other person will adjust to the new situation in a short time. Be consistent in your assertion if the same situation recurs with this individual. If you are inconsistent, the other person may become confused and may eventually just ignore your assertions.
• Overapologizing. On rare occasions after you have asserted yourself, the other party involved will be overly apologetic or humble. Point out that such behavior is unnecessary. If, in later encounters, the person seems to be afraid of you or deferent toward you, don’t take advantage. In fact, you could help that person to develop assertive skills, using the methods you’ve learned.
• Revenge. If you assert yourself with someone with whom you have a continuing relationship, that person may, in rare cases, seek revenge. At first, it might be difficult to understand what is being attempted; but as time goes on, the taunts may become quite evident. Directly confronting the situation is often enough to get vengeful tactics to cease.

Include a Friend in Your Learning Process

We suggested earlier in this chapter that you consider involving your most trusted friend(s) in your work on assertiveness. Try these steps:

• Tell your closest friend (be sure this is someone you can trust) that you are learning to be more assertive.
• Keep in mind that you will need to be careful when telling certain people about your attempts to change. Those who have your best interests at heart will be supportive. Others — even some close friends and intimates — may actually undermine your efforts. Choose carefully.
• Tell your friend something about what it means to you to be assertive and the differences between assertion and aggression.
• Ask your friend to help you.
• If your friend agrees to help, decide together on some specific behaviors to watch for and ask for periodic feedback on how you are doing in those specifics — particularly the nonverbal components of behavior (chapter 8).
• Recognize that sometimes your assertiveness will lead you to say no to your friend or otherwise say or do something against her or his preferences. Discuss that in advance and as it occurs.
• Avoid announcing, “I’m going to be assertive now!” — as if that excuses rudeness or other inappropriate behavior or allows you to avoid responsibility for your actions.
• If you are developing your assertiveness as a part of some form of therapy, you need not disclose that to anyone. Simply talk about your goals and point out that you are learning from this book.
• If you are working with a therapist or other trainer, you may wish to bring your friend in for an orientation/training session.
• If you decide to go ahead and let a friend in on your plans, you may find “How a Friend Can Help” (page 266) useful in orienting that person to the assertiveness training process. Feel free to copy it (and thanks for including the credit line at the bottom).