God, give us the serenity to accept what cannot be changed, the courage to change what should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish one from the other.
— Reinhold Niebuhr
On the morning of January 28, 1986, Allan McDonald said no. Tragically, as it turned out, they didn’t listen to him.
McDonald was an engineer for the manufacturer of the booster rockets for the US space shuttle Challenger . He recognized that the O-ring seals of the rockets could fail in the unusually cold Florida morning weather, and so he urged NASA officials to scrub the launch scheduled for that day. Sadly, McDonald’s lone voice was not enough to prevent the disaster. “There were a dozen other engineers who supported my argument, but not one of them spoke up,” said McDonald.
Like Allan McDonald’s, your opinion matters! As you’ve worked your way through this book, you’ve gained a greater feeling of empowerment, self-confidence, and skills. You know you can choose whether and when to express your views. Allan McDonald had the courage to do so; according to his report, his colleagues did not. The results were disastrous: the shuttle and its crew of seven were lost in a horrible explosion.
We’re not saying you should always speak up, of course. Our theme throughout this book has been individual choice . While we’ve consistently pointed out the value of assertive behavior, perceptive readers will have noted some of the potential shortcomings and hazards of personal assertiveness. You’ll want to take into account the limitations and possible negative consequences of asserting yourself.
Assertive behavior will most often be its own reward, but the consequences on occasion may deflate its value. The young boy who assertively refuses the big bully’s request to ride his new bike may find himself nursing a black eye! His assertion was perfectly legitimate, but the other guy wouldn’t take no for an answer.
We don’t mean to suggest that you should avoid assertiveness if it appears hazardous, but we do encourage you to consider the probable consequences of your assertive acts. In certain circumstances, the value of an assertion will be outweighed by the value of avoiding the probable response.
If you know how to act assertively, you are free to choose whether or not you will. If you are unable to act assertively, you have no choices. Our most important goal for this book is to enable you to make the choice!
People who feel they can do nothing about a problem that happened some time ago often have asked us about past situations. Frustrated by the consequences of their earlier lack of assertion, they nevertheless feel helpless to change things now.
Carlos offered us a good example of this problem. For months, his boss had been handing him projects late in the day, asking Carlos to stay late and prepare PowerPoint slides for meetings the next morning. The first time it happened, Carlos assumed that the circumstances were unique. He willingly agreed to help out, pleased that his skills were recognized. Over time, however, the “special request” had become an expectation and occurred often. Carlos liked his work, but it had begun to take a toll on his personal life, and he’d been thinking about looking for another job.
When Carlos somewhat tentatively brought the situation up for discussion in an assertiveness training group, he found the trainer and group members very supportive. In the group, he rehearsed a scene in which he confronted his boss with his feelings. He did poorly at first, apologizing and allowing the “boss” to convince him that such “loyalty to the company” was necessary to the job. With feedback and support from the group, however, he improved his ability to express his feelings effectively and not be cowed by the executive’s response.
The next day, Carlos spoke to his boss at the office, made his point, and arranged a more reasonable schedule for such projects. In the two months that followed, “special requests” were made only twice and only when the circumstances clearly were unusual. Both were pleased with the result.
The point of this discussion is that it is seldom too late for an appropriate assertion, even if a situation has grown worse over some time. Approaching the person involved — yes, even a family member, spouse, lover, boss, or employee — with an honest “I’ve been concerned about something for some time” or “I’ve been wanting to talk with you about…” or “I could have mentioned this sooner, but…” can lead to a most productive effort to resolve an uncomfortable issue. And it can encourage open and honest communication in the future.
Remember to take responsibility for your feelings when you express them: “I’m concerned…” not “You’ve made me upset…”; “I’m mad…” not “You make me mad…”
Another important reason to go back and take care of old issues with others is that unfinished business continues to gnaw away at you. Resentment from experiences that created anger or hurt won’t just go away. Such feelings result in a widening gap between people, and the resulting mistrust and potential grudge are hurtful to both.
Even if old issues can’t be resolved, doing all you can to attempt reconciliation is worthwhile. Opening up old wounds can be painful. And there are certain risks — the outcomes could be worse than before. Despite these risks, we encourage you to do all you can to work out such problems.
One more point: As we have cautioned before, do not attempt to begin your journey toward new assertiveness with highly risky relationships — those that are very important to you. This is a rather advanced step and should come after you have mastered the basics.
“I have a friend who used to be peaceful and quiet. She took assertiveness training and now is unbearable, complaining about everything! She has really gone overboard!”
People who considered themselves underdogs throughout life and then learned to be assertive may become verbally aggressive. The message may be: “Now it’s my turn, and I’ll set a few people straight!” Feelings covered up for many years may come out with a bang.
Similarly, those who have typically been aggressive may, when they first learn a more appropriate approach, pull back and become hypersensitive or withdrawn. It can flabbergast you to have someone who was derisive and manipulative now treat you like royalty.
If this rapid change of style describes you or someone you know, don’t despair. Both of these dramatic shifts in behavior are normal reactions and may be expected. It’s common for people to overcompensate as they work at change. Give it some time. It’s likely that the pendulum will balance after a short while, and a more appropriate assertive style will develop.
Assertiveness is an even more valuable tool for gaining self-confidence and self-control in life when it’s one part of a broader plan for well-being. We encourage you to think in holistic terms, integrating psychological, physical, social, and environmental considerations — in short, to deal with all parts of yourself.
Take a look at your current health condition, diet and sleep and exercise patterns, relationships, mental attitude, beliefs and values, living conditions, and medical history — all are important considerations in a thorough assessment of well-being. Don’t assume, for example, that improved behavior skills alone will adequately deal with a lack of assertiveness. Lack of sleep or a physical ailment will matter too. Examine all the possibilities, and consult professionals as well if you need help.
Interest in a holistic view of health has never been greater, stimulated by such factors as greater access to health information (online, for example), expanded awareness of the role of fitness in overall health, increased consumer activism, and exorbitant health care and insurance costs. Despite the continuing trend toward specialization, an increasingly holistic outlook is emerging among health professionals in all fields.
Can lack of assertive behavior make you sick?
Research in behavioral medicine and psychoneuroimmunology — which studies the interaction among the psychological processes, the nervous system, and the immune system of the human body — suggests that deficiencies in assertiveness can play an important role in developing and treating illnesses.
Individuals with cancer, heart disease, respiratory problems, gastrointestinal tract disorders, and arthritis are being studied by medical researchers to determine if stress factors related to long-term nonassertive or aggressive behavior contribute to bringing on any of those illnesses. The relationship between mind and body is complex, of course, and interpretations about the causes of illness need to be tentative. Responsible researchers observe that the cause of illness is rarely a single factor (such as assertiveness problems or smoking) but rather a variety of factors working together.
Psychiatrist Redford Williams (introduced in chapter 17) has studied the role of hostility as a causative factor in cardiovascular disease. Numerous studies by Dr. Williams and his colleagues at Duke University point to hostile attitudes and behaviors as an important risk factor in heart attacks, right along with the key physical risk factors of smoking, elevated blood cholesterol, and high blood pressure.
Williams recommends assertiveness training as one part of his multifaceted treatment program to reduce hostility and other heart risk factors. He has found that the more you can deal with your feelings in an up-front, straightforward manner, the less you allow feelings to fester and come out as hostile or cynical thoughts and behaviors.
Another way to use your assertive skills to improve your health is to take charge of your own health care. That even means learning to be assertive when you must go to the doctor. Researchers in the mind-body field are teaching patients how to do it. Internist Sheldon Greenfield and social psychologist Sherrie Kaplan devised a twenty-minute assertiveness coaching session for patients waiting to see a physician. They rehearsed how to ask key questions in order to take an active role in the process of dealing with the doctor. Then they compared trained patients with a group of patients who had not been trained. The coached patients were much more in control in dealing with the doctor. They directed the conversation, interrupted when necessary, and got a lot more information about their illnesses. And here’s the great part: four months later, those trained in assertiveness had missed less work, had fewer medical symptoms, and indicated that their overall health was better than that of the uncoached patients. (See Norman Cousins’s classic book Anatomy of an Illness .)
There are many ways to be an assertive advocate in your own health care program before you become ill — and after. Believing in and taking action about your ongoing health care is a vital application of your assertive behavior. Educate yourself about your total self: body, mind, and spirit. Do routine preventive maintenance that includes a low-fat, low-sugar, well-balanced diet; an aerobic exercise program; and attention to psychological and social well-being.
The bottom line is to be in charge of your own life and health. Get better at making important health care decisions: selecting and dealing with doctors; choosing health insurance coverage and handling claims; recognizing and dealing with your own health care needs; dealing with doctors’ offices and hospital personnel; and deciding about medications and alternative treatments.
Assertiveness about your health and health care could save your life.
We’ve emphasized action in this book. When we first began to do assertiveness training back in the late 1960s, we found it an effective procedure for our clients who had difficulty expressing themselves. Most of them were shy, nonassertive, and reluctant to take any action on their own behalf. It seemed the most effective approach was to activate them, to get them going again, to teach them to “stand up, speak out, and talk back.” (Full disclosure: That was the title of one of our books on the subject.) Moreover, assertiveness was a very helpful intervention for those who were inhibited by social anxiety.
Later we came to recognize that many people were using the idea of taking such action as a license to act aggressively, or at least foolishly. Some trainers were encouraging — as homework in assertiveness — that people go into restaurants and ask just for a glass of water, or go into service stations and ask just to have the windows washed. (In those days, service stations actually did that sort of thing!)
Let us put in a plea, then, for common sense:
Assertiveness is not incompatible with kindness, thoughtfulness, compassion, empathy, or politeness. Someone with a truly assertive lifestyle is very concerned for others and their rights. We like the terms “empathic assertion” and “compassionate assertiveness,” which have been used to describe self-expression directed at the needs of another person. And we’re in full support of the concept of “random kindness”: anonymous acts of kindness done without possibility of recognition or reward.
Everybody has a unique view of the world; that’s part of the joy of the human experience. Don’t try to shape others into your image of them. Don’t assume there is only one way to be assertive in a given circumstance. Let people choose to be nonassertive if they wish.
Is your cause important? Go back again if you don’t get help the first time. See the manager. Call the president of the company. Tell your neighbor again about his noisy dog. Remind your boss about the raise.
Remember to be assertive in your persistence; nagging can be aggressive!
Instead, try to be yourself, be assertive, and take others’ needs, rights, and respect into account.
In Thornton Wilder’s classic play Our Town , a character discusses a letter that was addressed thus: “Jane Crofut, the Crofut Farm, Grover’s Corners, Sutton County, New Hampshire, United States of America, Continent of North America, Western Hemisphere, the Earth, the Solar System, the Universe, the Mind of God.” Wilder showed a remarkable sense of citizenship in the world. Few of us have so thoughtfully considered our relationships to the entire human community. Indeed, is it even possible to deal with that virtually unreachable concept? In what sense am I a world citizen? I can talk with and see my neighbors in the local community. I can visit, with minimal difficulty, people in nearby states; across the country; and, if I am fortunate, even around the world. I can vote in local, state, and national elections, and I share a historical and cultural heritage with other citizens of the United States. What have I in common with the people of Namibia, Lithuania, or Sri Lanka? Do I really think of them as my brothers and sisters in humankind?
No individual can exist alone. None of us has the necessary knowledge, skills, or personal resources required to function with total independence in the world. We are interdependent, and our assertiveness must take into account and respect our neighbors’ needs as well as our own.
Even without the evidence offered by photos from space, it’s easy to see the fragility of world order in any day’s headlines. We note the continuing efforts by governments of many nations to maintain world peace and some balance of order on the planet. And we see how easily aggression, terrorism, and the quest for power disturb that balance.
So many international issues remain unresolved, awaiting assertive action by those courageous enough to transcend nationalistic limits and assume leadership in solving problems , rather than displaying power. Global climate change, hunger, human rights, extreme poverty, immigration, refugee relocation, sanitation, disposal of nuclear and other hazardous wastes, response to terrorism and religious fanaticism…the list goes on.
The principles of assertive action that we have discussed throughout this book apply to these concerns as well. Perhaps you have found assertiveness training helpful in your own life and relationships. We urge you to demonstrate your appreciation for that help by taking assertive action as a world citizen. Write letters supporting public officials who take courageous action. Vote. Contact your elected representatives to express your views on important issues.
Work to replace aggression with assertion wherever you can. You may choose to support tighter controls on handguns, for instance, or reduced television violence. Perhaps you support free-enterprise replacements for government bureaucracies that fail to provide necessary services, or better accountability in public agencies. Some will demonstrate against environmental degradation, nuclear weapons proliferation, war, or unfair taxation. Equal justice for women, homelessness, or LGBTQ issues may be your major cause. Support is always needed for improved access to health care, rape crisis intervention, better schools, parenting education, and child protection programs, along with dozens of other worthy causes.
The principle of assertive action is well established in Western culture and is a vital element in the US Constitution. The spirit of civil disobedience, when other attempts to change intolerable situations have failed, has a proud heritage. One need look no further than the US Declaration of Independence or such famous historic events as the Boston Tea Party for well-known and highly respected acts of assertiveness.
A vital principle of any such action, of course, is the individual’s willingness to accept responsibility for the consequences of her or his behavior. Examples of such personally responsible public assertiveness from the last century are Mahatma Gandhi (India), Martin Luther King Jr. (USA), Desmond Tutu (South Africa), Nelson Mandela (South Africa), and Lech Walesa (Poland). Whatever our personal views of the substantive issues in their actions, we must stand in awe of those who have made their deepest beliefs public by living accordingly, caring more for the welfare of humankind than for their individual comfort and safety. Who will we admire a hundred years from now?
Ultimately, those acts that are in the best interest of our fellow humans are in our own best interest as well. If I act assertively to right a social wrong, I act to the benefit of all who are members of the society, including myself. Assertive action, in the best sense, is at once in my own self-interest and unselfish.
There are a thousand causes worthy of your energies. If your assertiveness ends when your steak is served the way you like it or when you get correct change, your life may be more pleasant temporarily but will not count for much.
Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. put this notion in perspective (do forgive his sexist language): “A man must share in the action and passion of his times, at the risk of being judged not to have lived.”
You’re ready to take it from here. What will you do with what you’ve learned about assertiveness and equality in your life and relationships? Keep in mind:
You are working with an infinitely valuable resource: yourself. Take good care. You are unique, an individual, with your own size, shape, color, age, ethnic and cultural background, gender, lifestyle, education, ideas, beliefs, values, occupation, relationships, thoughts, and behavior patterns. Since a book must speak to many, we’ve had to generalize a great deal. Being assertive will mean different things to different people. You must decide what is relevant for you and how to apply assertive behavior in your own unique relationships.
Remember that assertiveness is not a tool for manipulation, intimidation, or getting your way. It is a means to stand up for your own rights and needs, build equal relationships, express your anger, reach out to others, show your affection, and be more direct. Most importantly, it is one means to becoming the person you want to be, to feel good about yourself, and to demonstrate your caring and respect for the rights of others.