Chapter 7

So far, we’ve discussed blending and listening as methods for increasing trust, cooperation, and understanding. Yet, what we say to people can also produce positive effects. The signals, symbols, and suggestions that constitute our communication output provide a profound opportunity to influence relationships for the better. The following keys should help you in this regard.

Your tone of voice sends people either a positive or a negative message about your opinion of them as human beings. At the tone, many people think it’s time to take something personally, even if it has nothing to do with them at all. Have you ever had a really rotten day at the office, and then you got a call from home? Have you ever had a rotten day at home, and then you got a call from the office? Even when your words are well chosen, if your tone of voice is hurried, defensive, or hostile, people may imagine something very different from what you had intended.

Mixed messages, caused by voice tones that don’t match spoken words, can cause big problems in relationships of all kinds. When receiving a mixed message, people will respond to the tone and ignore the words. The irony is that people often try to suppress their emotions to avoid conflict. Their words give voice to the direction they would like things to move, but their emotions leak out through tone of voice. The receiver ignores the words and responds to the tone, and then the sender feels misunderstood, and conflict ensues. If you ever hear yourself giving someone a mixed message, call attention to it and explain what your voice tone is saying: “Sorry if I sound a bit rushed. That’s because I am.” Or: “I know I sound angry, but that is because this issue is so important to me.”

When you acknowledge your tone and clarify what it is saying, you decrease the likelihood that the other person will take offense.

If effective communication can be likened to the correct dialing of a phone number, then “intent” is the equivalent of the area code. It works best up front. When you assume that someone understands your positive intent, or you imply your intent rather than state it clearly, misunderstanding can result. Maybe that is what the saying “The road to hell is paved with good intentions” is trying to warn us about. To prevent such misunderstandings, learn to begin communication with your positive intent.

Tim and Rosie were seeing a marriage and family counselor on a regular basis, hoping to bring more happiness into their relationship. It was the end of a successful session, and Rosie turned to Tim and said, “Honey, let’s go to the Rose Gardens.”

But Tim didn’t seem at all interested and said, “Nah.”

Rosie seemed very disappointed in his answer. The counselor asked her what her intent was in bringing the Rose Gardens up in the first place. She said, “Well, we seemed to be feeling closer than we have in a long time, and we have an hour before we have to pick up the kids. I just thought it would be nice to have some quiet time together.”

Suddenly Tim brightened and said, “That’s a great idea! But I don’t want to be outside. It’s too hot and buggy. I know a great little café that just opened up down the road from here! Would that work?”

And Rosie said, “Oh Tim! That’s a great idea!”

Notice that going to the Rose Gardens was not really important to Rosie. Rather, spending time together was what really mattered to her, and that was her real intent. Out of an infinite number of possibilities, going to the Rose Gardens was only one way to fulfill her intent.

If you’re at all typical, you probably don’t tell people your intent when speaking to them. And the irony is that it’s probably the most important part of your communication. After all, that’s the purpose you are trying to achieve. The trick to communicating intent first is to ask yourself before you speak, “What is my real purpose in saying what I’m about to say? What result am I really aiming for?”

Suppose that you are angry with a loved one, and you have the intent to clear the air so that life together can be fun again. If you begin to talk about how upset you are, you run the risk of your loved one feeling attacked and reacting accordingly. Once you react to this reaction, and your loved one reacts to your reaction, the conversation could turn into a declaration of war! Instead, you might begin by saying, “I care about you and hate to waste time being upset around you. I would like to clear the air, so we can enjoy our time together.” Now your loved one knows where you are coming from. In such a receptive environment, communication is far more likely to occur.

Have you ever been in a conversation in which someone is telling you something and you find yourself wondering, “Why is he or she telling me this?” Telling people why you are telling them something before you actually tell them is a simple method for directing attention where you want it to go. If you give people a good reason to listen to you by stating your positive intent, you will communicate more clearly and have less conflict.

We knew a secretary named Doris who had an overly sensitive boss who was mismanaging her time. After keeping a time log to determine if the problem was real or imagined, Doris found she was spending two hours each week making and delivering coffee and an hour and a half each week turning the sprinklers on and off. Meanwhile, her boss would get mad at her for not getting enough done, even though he was the one giving her the other tasks. The first time Doris tried to communicate to him about this, she said:

“Sir, I think you have to take a look at how you are mismanaging my time. You keep giving me low-priority work, and it’s keeping me from getting my work done.”

To which he replied, “Oh, I am, am I? Well, listen, and listen well because I don’t intend to repeat myself. If you find it so difficult to work here, perhaps you ought to start looking for more meaningful employment! Now, get out of my office, stop wasting time, and get back to work!”

Undaunted, Doris studied communication and mastered the art of redirection, and a few weeks later:

“Excuse me, sir. I know you’re busy. I’ll only take a minute.” [Blending: She acknowledges the fact that he’s busy and the importance of time]

“I want to be the most productive secretary that you have ever had. [She is now stating her intent. She states the intent of the time log.] To accomplish this goal, I have kept a log of how my time gets spent. The reason I am here is to show you this log, so that you can help me improve my productivity.” [Intent behind this meeting]

He decided it was important enough to look at it immediately. He was stunned when he saw how her time was being spent. He apologized to her, and together they worked out the details of a new relationship that made better use of her abilities and freed her from mundane, time-wasting activities.

Speaking your intent first lets people know where you are coming from and prevents many misunderstandings.

You may find it challenging to believe that the words tactful and interruption can coexist in the same sentence when talking about difficult people. That’s because most intentional interruptions are rude aggressions aimed at overwhelming the voice of another. Yet there are occasions when it is necessary to interrupt a difficult person. If someone is yelling at you or dominating a meeting and not letting anyone else get a word in edgewise, or complaining in endless cycles of increasing negativity, an interruption may be an elegant solution.

A tactful interruption is made without anger, without blame, and without fear. Just say the difficult person’s name over, and over, and over again, in a matter-of-fact sort of way, until you get his or her attention: “Mr. Jackson. Mr. Jackson. Excuse me, Mr. Jackson.” If you don’t know the person’s name, use the gender: “Sir. Sir. Sir. Pardon me, sir. Uh, sir? Sir.” If you attempt to interrupt aggressive people, they may try to override you by raising the volume of their voice. In such a case, you must persist anyway. These repetitions of name or gender create an irresistible force that so distracts the Tanks, Know-It-Alls, Grenades, or Whiners that they must stop talking to find out what it is you want! Once you have their attention, you can move forward by stating your intent, by clarifying something they were saying, or by using any of the other choices suggested in this chapter.

Honesty can be effective no matter what difficult behavior people engage in if you tell your truth in a way that builds them up rather than tearing them down. The more trust you have with people, the more likely it is that you will be heard. So you may want to spend a few weeks, or even months, building up the trust level with blending behaviors before you attempt open and honest conversations with your difficult people. And remember to tell the people why you are telling them your truth before you actually tell them your truth. State your positive intent and why you think it is in their interest to know. Here are other important keys to open and honest discussions:

• Use “I” language. “From my point of view” and “The way I see it” are softening phrases that take the fight out of your words. They tell your difficult people that what you’re expressing is your truth, rather than claiming to be the truth. This makes listening to you more comfortable and less oppressive.

• Be specific about the problem behavior. Talk about the problem behaviors rather than about the problem people. Generalizations like “Every time we are at a meeting, you always exaggerate” will not help. Give specific examples instead.

• Show them how their behavior is self-defeating.To create self-motivation for change, you have to show them how something important to them is lost because of their behavior.

• Suggest new behaviors or options. Make some specific suggestions as to what they can do differently in those situations and what the likely results will be. Perhaps the biggest obstacle to being honest with people is concern about hurting their feelings. But you do not do them a favor by withholding information and allowing them to continue behaviors that don’t work for them either.

• Reinforce behavioral change. When people make the effort to change their behavior it is critical that you catch them in the act of doing it right. When you see or hear them act in desired or desirable ways, immediately (or as soon as possible) acknowledge and appreciate them. Building on success is one of the best ways to bring out the best in people.

In my first year of practice, I had a patient named Joe whose problem was that, at age 23, he had never been on a date. He was desperate. Joe seemed like a decent guy, lanky in frame, about 5 foot 10, and not bad looking although unkempt in his appearance. I asked him if this was a confidence issue. He said no, he had no problem talking to women or walking up to a stranger to ask her out. When asked to demonstrate, he seemed overly aggressive, awkward, inexperienced, and anxious. The way he dressed also left a lot of room for improvement. The thought crossed my mind to be blunt with him about what he could change in his behavior and appearance, but not wanting to hurt his feelings, I used his first visit just to gather information. He made another appointment.

At the next visit, I again procrastinated being blunt with him, and instead I worked with him on his self-esteem. It soon became apparent that his self-esteem was fine, and I knew that the help he needed required me to give him honest feedback about his appearance and courting behavior. On his third visit to my office, I said, “Joe, I really want to help you with your problem [my intent], and I would like to be honest with you. I am just not sure how to tell you this.” He said, “Well, just tell me.” I said, “Okay, let’s go stand in front of this mirror.”

As we looked at him in the mirror, I pointed to his head and said, “Your hair needs to be cut to fit your bone structure, but the way your hair is cut, or not cut, everything is leaning to the left.” I said, “Regarding your clothes: Different colors work or don’t work for different people depending on complexion. The colors you seem to consistently choose make you look like you have a chronic liver disease. I also bet you dress for comfort.” He agreed. “Well,” I continued, as I pointed first to the pattern in his shirt, then the pattern in his pants: “I think [‘I’ language] they need to be a bit less, um, complicated and a bit more stylish. And one last thing about clothing. I believe there are two kinds of pants for men: long and short. You need to make a decision because ankle length just doesn’t work.” [Being specific about the problem]

“Let me give you Teresa’s number. [Suggest new options] Call her. She will cut your hair to fit the shape of your face. She will tell you what colors work best for you, and if you want, you can hire her to take you shopping. She will help you find clothes that are comfortable and in style. Now regarding the way you approach women, ...” And I continued to be specific about what probably didn’t work and what might work better.

Finally, the visit was over. I had no idea how useful this visit had been for him until it was time to pay. I was charging $40 at that time. He handed me a $100 bill, and as I started to look for change, he said, “Keep the change. Thank you.” Oh, and he called me two weeks later with good news: He got a date!

Whenever you speak to be understood, your communications will inevitably have an influence on your problem people. If they become defensive, be willing to temporarily drop what you are saying and totally focus on their reaction to it. Do your best to fully understand by backtracking, clarifying, summarizing, and confirming. While this may seem like a long process, it will probably take less time and produce less wear and tear on your thoughts and emotions than an action/reaction type of conversation that produces no worthwhile outcome at all.

Remember, you get what you reward in relationships. When people make an effort to change, acknowledgment of their progress is a reward to them. People turn to appreciation like leaves turn to the sun. So when you see or hear people engaging in different behaviors, make sure you acknowledge them for it. And if they fall back into the old behaviors over time, take the time to offer a gentle reminder of who they are and what they’re capable of, based on the better behavior you have observed.

Honesty is almost always the best policy. We’re often amazed at how many strategies people employ to deal with each other without first attempting to talk it out. We highly recommend engaging in an honest dialogue with problem people as one of the most effective strategies for bringing out the best in people at their worst.