Contents
Part 1. Getting to Know the People You Can’t Stand
We reveal the 10 (W3) Most Unwanted and provide you with the Lens of Understanding and show you how the road to hell is paved with good intentions!
1. The 10 (+ 3) Most Unwanted List
Here are 10 (+ 3) specific behaviors that represent people at their worst!
The Tank ... The Sniper ... The Grenade ... The Know-It-All ... The Think-They-Know-It-All ... The Yes Person ... The Maybe Person ... The Nothing Person ... The No Person ... The Whiner ... The Judge ... The Meddler ... The Martyr
A magnifying glass on behaviors reveals the motives behind them.
What Determines Focus and Assertiveness? ... It’s a Question of Balance ... As Intent Changes, So Does Behavior ... You Can Hear Where People Are Coming From ... Shared Priorities, No Problem ... What Happens When the Intent Isn’t Fulfilled?
3. The Road to Hell Is Paved with Good Intentions
Thwarted intent produces behaviors that make people difficult to deal with.
Threatened Intent to Get It Done ... Threatened Intent to Get It Right ... Threatened Intent to Get It Right and Get It Done ... Threatened Intent to Get Along with Others ... Threatened Intent to Get Appreciated by People ... Threatened Intent to Get Appreciated and Get Along ... To Summarize
Part 2. Surviving Through
Skillful Communication
You find out why united we stand, but divided we can’t stand each other, as well as how to listen to understand, reach a deeper meaning, get what you project and expect, and change your attitude.
4. From Conflict to Cooperation
United we stand, but divided we can’t stand each other. Conflict occurs when the emphasis is on differences. Reducing differences can turn conflict into cooperation.
Two Essential Skills: Blending and Redirecting ... Blending Nonverbally with Body and Facial Expressions ... Blending Vocally with Volume and Speed
When two or more people want to be heard, and no one listens, an argument is inevitable. Listen and understand first, and you unlock the doors to people’s minds.
People Want to Be Heard and Understood
6. Reach a Deeper Understanding
Sometimes the most important and useful elements of communication are hidden not just from the listener but from the speaker as well. Identify these to get a positive outcome.
Identify Positive Intent ... Identify Highly Valued Criteria
What you say to people can produce defensiveness or trust, increase resistance or cooperation, or promote conflict or understanding. Learn these ounces of prevention!
Monitor Your Tone of Voice ... State Your Positive Intent ... Tactfully Interrupt Interruptions ... Tell Your Truth ... Stay Flexible
8. Get What You Project and Expect
People rise or fall to the level of your expectations and projections. Use these projection strategies to motivate your problem people to change themselves.
Pygmalion Power ... Assume the Best and Give the Benefit of the Doubt ... Appreciate Criticism
9. How to Change Your Attitude
Need the courage to stand your ground when you want to run or to step forward in the face of determined opposition? Get an attitude adjustment when you need one!
Changing Your Reactions ... Changing Your Perspective ... Changing the Way You Talk to Yourself
Part 3. Bringing Out the Best in People at Their Worst
You learn specific skills and strategies to deal with Tanks, Snipers, Know-It-Alls, Think-They-Know-It-Alls, Grenades, Yes People, Maybe People, Nothing People, No People, Whiners, Judges, Meddlers, Martyrs, and Your Difficult Self.
Pushy and ruthless, loud and forceful, or with the quiet intensity and surgical precision of a laser, the Tank assumes that the end justifies the means. Expect no mercy.
You’d Better Adjust Your Attitude ... Your Goal: Command Respect ... Action Plan ... What If the Tank’s Accusations Are True and You Are in the Wrong? ... Great Moments in Difficult People History
This covert operator identifies your weaknesses and uses them against you, through sabotage behind your back or well-aimed put-downs in front of the crowd.
Unfriendly Fire ... Friendly Fire ... You’d Better Adjust Your Attitude ... Your Goal: Bring the Sniper Out of Hiding ... Action Plan ... Special Situation: Friendly Fire ... Special Situation: Third-Party Sniping ... Great Moments in Difficult People History
This person knows 98 percent of anything. Just ask! Know-It-Alls will tell you what they know—for hours at a time—but won’t take a second to listen to your clearly inferior ideas.
You’d Better Adjust Your Attitude ... Your Goal: Open the Know-It-All’s Mind to New Ideas ... Action Plan ... Great Moments in Difficult People History
13. The Think-They-Know-It-All
These characters don’t know much, but they don’t let that get in the way. Exaggerating, bragging, misleading, and distracting, these legends-in-their-own-minds pull you off track.
You’d Better Adjust Your Attitude ... Your Goal: Give Their Bad Ideas the Hook ... Action Plan ... Great Moments in Difficult People History
When the Grenades blow their tops, they’re unable to stop, and shrapnel hits everyone in range. Then the smoke clears, the dust settles, and the cycle begins building to a critical mass again.
You’d Better Adjust Your Attitude ... Your Goal: Take Control of the Situation ... Action Plan ... Great Moments in Difficult People History
Quick to agree, slow to deliver, the Yes People leave a trail of unkept commitments and broken promises. Though they please no one, the Yes People overcommit to please!
You’d Better Adjust Your Attitude ... Your Goal: Get Commitments You Can Count On ... Action Plan ... Great Moments in Difficult People History
When faced with a crucial decision, the Maybe People keep putting it off until it’s too late. But there comes a point when the decision makes itself. Then it’s nobody’s default but their own.
You’d Better Adjust Your Attitude ... Your Goal: Help Them Learn to Think Decisively ... Action Plan ... Great Moments in Difficult People History
You won’t know what’s going on because they tell you nothing! No verbal feedback. No nonverbal feedback. They seal their mouths and stare past you as if you’re not there.
You’d Better Adjust Your Attitude ... Your Goal: Persuade the Nothing Person to Talk ... Action Plan ... Great Moments in Difficult People History
There’s a plan for their lives, but they’re not in it. Instead, they wallow in their woe, whine incessantly, and carry the weight of the world on their shoulders.
You’d Better Adjust Your Attitude ... Your Goal: Form a Problem-Solving Alliance ... Action Plan ... Great Moments in Difficult People History
They say that “what goes up must come down.” And what comes down must never be allowed to get back up again. Doleful and discouraging, they drive others to despair.
You’d Better Adjust Your Attitude ... Your Goal: Transition to Problem Solving ... Action Plan ... Great Moments in Difficult People History
When the Judges rise to the bench and demand order in the court, their superior view of right and wrong almost always leads to a verdict of guilty as charged!
The Range of Judgmental Behavior: Innocent or Guilty ... You’d Better Adjust Your Attitude ... Your Goal: Get the Judgment Dismissed ... Action Plan ... Great Moments in Difficult People History
Using invasive questions and offering unsolicited advice, the Meddlers try to manage you as you manage your life. And from what you wear to what you do, these problem people have their eye on you.
The Range of Difficulty: Nosy to Manipulative ... You’d Better Adjust Your Attitude ... Your Goal: Preserve and Protect the Boundary ... Action Plan ... Great Moments in Difficult People History
A needy giver, the Martyr offers help whether you want it or not, and each offer comes wrapped in the strings of obligation.
The Range of Difficulty: Mild to Muttering ... You’d Better Adjust Your Attitude ... Your Goal: Sever the Strings, Keep the Connection ... Action Plan ... Great Moments in Difficult People History
23. What If People Can’t Stand You?
By now you may have recognized that you too have days when you are at your worst. So what can you do about it? Find the answers in this exchange of letters.
1. What If You Are the Tank? ... 2. What If You Are the Sniper? ... 3. What If You Are the Know-It-All? ... 4. What If You Are the Think-They-Know-It-All? ... 5. What If You Are the Grenade? ... 6. What If You Are the Yes Person? ... 7. What If You Are the Maybe Person? ... 8. What If You Are the Nothing Person? ... 9. What If You Are the No Person? ... 10. What If You Are the Whiner? ... 11. What If You Are the Judge? ... 12. What If You Are the Meddler? ... 13. What If You Are the Martyr?
Part 4. Communication in a Digital Age
We reveal the limitations and pitfalls of phone communication and e-mail and show you how to turn the limitations into advantages with a pound of prevention.
24. Communication and the Challenge of Technology
When you take advantage of digital communication tools like the phone and email, you lose access to valuable communication cues. But where something is lost, something is gained. We show you how to use these tools to your advantage.
The “Numbers of Meaning” ... Something Lost, Something Gained
25. The Eight Ounces of Prevention in Phone Communication
You can’t see them. Here we show you how to take advantage of the fact that they can’t see you either!
1. Shape Perceptions ... 2. Use Your Body for Tone Control ... 3. Breathe for Your Life ... 4. Chart a Course ... 5. Know When to Hold ’Em and When to Fold ’Em ... 6. Send Listening Signals ... 7. Sound Prepared, Even When You’re Not ... 8. You Can Close Your Eyes
26. The Eight Ounces of Prevention in E-mail Communication
You can’t see them or hear them! Here we describe how to avoid the pitfalls and access the possibilities.
Use the Advantage of Time ... Eight Ounces of Prevention ... 1. Vent It, but Don’t Send It ... 2. Read It One More Time ... 3. Read It at Another Time ... 4. Get a Second Opinion ... 5. Begin with Intention, End with Direction ... 6. Quote Early, Quote Often ... 7. Make Better Sense with Emoticons (Smileys) ... 8. Use Jokes Carefully—Jokester Beware ... Take the Time, Save Your Time
Afterword: How to Take the Big Step of Applying the Little Steps in This Book