Chapter 20

“Well, whoo, whoo is this,” Olivia Owl replied, “but my favorite niece Robin Robin.”

Robin landed on a branch perpendicular to Aunt Olivia’s so she could look into her big yellow eyes without having to turn her own head. Although Robin had known Auntie Olivia all her life, there was still something disconcerting about the way she looked at you directly, with both eyes at the same time. It was almost ... human, and it made Robin’s neck feathers tingle. But one thing was certain, Olivia Owl had a penetrating gaze that could, and usually would, look right through you.

“Well, the food was terrible. The nuts were so hard that everyone had problems getting them open. Except, of course, that old bird Tara Toucan. Can you believe the beak on that bird? And you should see her colors! Why I never! Perhaps that’s what they wear in the jungle, but she will never make it in this forest dressed like that.”

“Well, Auntie Olivia, wasn’t there anything you liked about the party?” Robin Robin chipperly inquired.

“How can you like a party with food like that? For one thing, everyone knows you don’t serve worms at a flock party. They simply won’t stay fresh. And all those seeds, seeds, seeds. Not a single field mouse. I am a carnivorous bird, you know. I think they were just being cheap, cheap, cheap.”

Before Robin could reply, Aunt Olivia went on: “You remember Daisy and Dahlia Duck, your distant cousins? They were there too. I know they are amphibious birds, and yes, they do have to float, but you can’t tell me their backsides have to be that big! I just don’t understand whooo, whooo could let themselves go like that.”

Robin fidgeted nervously on the branch. She didn’t like hearing Aunt Olivia putting down any of the many members of her extended family. But Olivia didn’t notice and continued her commentary.

Suddenly Olivia Owl became very focused, gazing off into the distance. Robin didn’t see anything, but Olivia said, “Don’t look now and don’t say anything, but here comes Betty Blue Jay.”

From a distance, Robin heard Betty’s unmistakable loud screech. “Hello, Olivia Owl! Hello, Robin Robin!”

“Hoo, Hoo to you Betty,” they replied as Betty flew into view and then flew away. “My, aren’t you looking nice!” Olivia called after her. As Betty disappeared from view, Olivia turned to Robin and said, “What blue trash!”

But Robin could barely hear what her auntie said because of a deafening noise overhead. She looked up to see a flock of at least 30 crows. They circled a few times, squawking loudly, then rumbled off toward the horizon. Aunt Olivia Owl muttered, “Yech, that’s all we need, a gang of crows stirring up trouble around here. There goes the forest! A bunch of avian hooligans, that’s what they are. Making all that noise. Do they think our auricular areas are ornamental? Look at them. Common crows, and they think they’re so tough, flying around in those black feather jackets.”

Robin Robin’s fidgeting intensified. She didn’t want her auntie to know that she was dating the leader of the flock. Perish forbid that Olivia might turn her critical eyes on her! “Well, Auntie,” she said nervously, “it was nice visiting with you, but I must fly!”

“All right, Robin. Wait, turn around and let me adjust your tail feathers. You are the symbol of spring, and you have a reputation to keep up. You shouldn’t fly around all ruffled, as you so often do.”

And as Robin Robin flew away, she couldn’t help but wonder what Olivia had to say about her when she wasn’t around.

Judges set a standard that no one can meet, then pronounce judgment along with a running commentary of criticism.

Critical to a fault, picky to the point of perfection, and certain of their criticism, Judges declare you GUILTY and then sentence you to time in the jail of their disapproval.

In our Lens of Understanding, Judges’ behavior originates out of the positive intent to get it right.

There are two ways that the intent to get it right can lead to this difficult behavior:

The Judge’s behavior begins when someone who wants to get it right rises to the bench in the courtroom of discernment to determine what is truly proper in a given situation. The observation is made that someone or something is out of place, out of step, out of accord, or has failed to conform to the high standards of Judges. Something is wrong! That’s when the good intention of Judges becomes a relentless nitpicky perfectionism that manifests as criticism and condescension.

In general Judges become critical, finding fault in everything and everybody. The internal demand to criticize keeps growing in intensity. Then Judges can be perceived by others as disgruntled perfectionists, hopeless cynics, or relentless nitpickers.

In the court of Judges, you’re either innocent or guilty. There are few shades of gray to interfere with their judgment, but there are several ways to hold court.

There are the Small Claims Judges who complain about the failings of every person to every other person. These Judges present evidence, pass judgment, and then pass the judgment along to others as gossip and rumor.

Then there are the Nitpicking Judges who, much like the neatness freaks who keep cleaning up after cleaning up, fixate on details of no real consequence. These Judges prefer order in the court. In an effort to build a wall against the chaos, they cover the carpet and furniture with plastic, and then they close off the room so it cannot be disturbed by human touch.

There are also the Hanging Judges who throw the book at you if you disagree with anything. Hung up on one narrow point of view, the Hanging Judges impose rules and pound the gavel to drown you out if you keep trying to argue your case. In the courts of the Hanging Judges, the rulings of the Judges are supreme.

Then there are the Cynical Judges who look up only to tear something down and believe that others are motivated only by selfishness.

Finally, there are the Probation Officer Judges who like to look over your shoulder because you’re in their domain. The Probation Officers will tell you what not to do as you do it, what will go wrong before it happens, what doom awaits you if you take unapproved-of action, and what never was or will be right, no matter how hard you try.

These problem behaviors cause harm to both Judges and to those who must deal with them. Judges may wind up in constant pain because the world refuses to conform to their standards. And those being judged may become cynical and apathetic, deciding that there’s no point in trying, because no matter how hard they try, it will never be good enough.

Get defensive, and you condemn yourself. Say nothing, and you seem guilty. But you don’t have to correct the Judge, not if you correct yourself to yourself instead. If your highest priority is self-defense and you don’t want to be found in contempt in the courtroom of the Judge’s opinion, then let go of the need to correct the Judge when he or she is wrong about you. Instead, correct yourself. The attitudinal key to dealing with the Judges is to counter the negative rulings, whether stated directly or implied, in the privacy of your own mind. You do this by telling yourself the positive corollaries to the negative judgments:

You say to yourself: “I am a good friend, and that’s why I’m still on the phone.”

If the Judge says or implies: “I was waiting for you for a half hour, and I put my package down, so it’s because of you that I forgot about it.”

Doing this will help you to keep your perspective. Offering encouragement to yourself is the ray of light that keeps your thinking bright in the otherwise gloomy presence of criticism.

Your demeanor must indicate that you have nothing to defend and that you do have a case to make. Be wary of making big leaps of logic. It is essential in your approach that you go slowly, step-by-step. A wry amusement may be useful in this regard because it indicates that the charges don’t really apply to you. Avoid saying anything sarcastic, though. When you present your case, you must build it in a way that says, “A careful examination of the evidence is all that is required of you. I’m certain that when you’ve considered what I have to say, you’ll draw a just conclusion.” Be dispassionate, at least until your closing argument. A calm, methodical, logical, and consistent approach is the best way to get past the guards and get your day in court.

Don’t question the court’s judgment. If you do, the Judge will likely fine you for contempt. If you tell the Judge that he or she is wrong, by inference if not by intent, you are out of order! Instead, recognize that what the Judge has said reflects his or her view of the facts. You aren’t there to contradict the Judge. You are there to offer new evidence or to interpret the facts in a new way.

When the get it right Judge rises to the bench, if the accusation is that you have somehow failed to measure up to the perfectionistic order of the court, prepare your defense but without getting defensive. Your goal when dealing with the Judge is to get the judgment dismissed.

Option 1. Acknowledge the Judgment and Move On. This option works great with the Small Claims Judge. Sometimes you’re better off acknowledging the judgment and then moving on, rather than taking the time and expending the energy to try and change the Judge’s mind. If you choose this option, give thanks for your Judge’s good intentions, and then go your own way:

Then change the subject, get up and move, or offer to get them something. As you deflect the judgment with your positive projection about the Judge’s intention, the Judge may wind up having to reflect on himself and the conclusions he’s drawn because you’re not getting in the way.

Option 2. Return to Sender. This option works well with the faultfinding Nitpicking Judge. If you’re tired of hearing the Judge passing judgment on other people whom you care about, you can return the judgment to its owner by asking the Judge to own the judgments. It may be obvious to you that the criticized person doesn’t want to go by the Judge’s laws. However, it may not be obvious to the Judge. That’s because Judges refer to an internal lawbook of their own making, and they mistakenly assume everyone has a copy. The best way to let a Judge know that nobody else has the book is with a gentle backtrack and then a question regarding the authority by which the Judge is passing judgment.

First, backtrack the judgment, so the Judge will know what you are specifically referring to. Use as many of the Judge’s words as possible, so there’s no mistake about it.

If the response you get is a generalized, “Everybody knows it,” then ask for specifics. If the Judge says, “Everyone,” ask, “Who specifically?” If the answer is, “Always,” ask, “When specifically?” If the Judge says, “It’s just common sense!” bring it back around by asking, “Common sense to whom?” If the Judge says, “Any thinking person,” ask, “By whom specifically is this regarded as common sense?” Keep bringing it back around until it lands squarely in the Judge’s court. You’ll know it’s back in the court when the Judge says, “By me!”

Option 3. Appeal the Sentence. Here’s the situation. Suppose you’re dealing with a Hanging Judge. A negative comment is made about you or about someone in your family that you care about who is having a hard time with the Judge because of all the judgments. The judgments follow the comparison format of “You’re too much” or “You’re too little” or “You’re not enough” or “You’re not even close.” In any case, you can either appeal the decision of the Judge or you can take your appeal to a higher court (the court of your own opinions!).

Bringing your appeal to the Hanging Judge’s court applies only if you have specifics about new or unexamined evidence that directly contradicts the Judge’s opinion. For example, if the Judge says, “Your daughter isn’t even trying to lose weight,” yet you happen to know what steps she’s taking to lose weight, you can introduce what you know as new evidence. Ask a leading question, while suggesting an explanation for why the Judge was unaware of the information you’re presenting. The information you offer reveals to your Judge that the Judge’s generalization isn’t accurate:

“I can tell this is important to you. [Positive projection] I guess you didn’t know that she’s cut out sugar and simple carbohydrates from her diet the last three weeks? [Leading question that introduces new information] She’s been talking with me regularly, and she is very frustrated with how difficult this is for her. Yet she perseveres, and I’m proud of her because I understand how much effort this is going to take to see it through.”

Then, if you have an alternate sentence to suggest, offer it, in order to shift the Judge from judgment to constructive actions. If your information is solid and your references as a character witness are good, this may be enough to influence the thinking of the Judge, reducing the sentence to time served, or at least diminishing the harshness of their criticism for the moment.

If a public judgment is happening to other people and you want to help them out of the awful situation, then try making your appeal public. Say something nice to the people being judged, and ask them to account for their success or progress. To the people being judged for appearance, you might say, “You look really nice. What have you been doing? Whatever it is, keep it up.” To the people being judged for performance, you might say, “I’ve noticed that you’ve really been doing some terrific work lately. What are you doing differently?”

If, however, the judgments are directed at you, take your appeal to the higher court of your own opinion. This is the attitudinal approach we recommended earlier in the chapter. Place yourself under the influence of your own attitude by introducing counterexamples of the Judge’s judgments upon you. If a Judge criticizes you for the way you look, say something in the privacy of your own mind to encourage yourself. “I’m making a big effort to deal with this, and I’m making progress.” If the Judge says, “You are to blame!” say to yourself, “I’m doing the best I can. These accusations are about him, not about me.” Maybe you can’t tell the Judge because the Judge can’t handle the truth. But you can handle it, so make sure to tell it to yourself! This keeps you free of your Judge’s negative characterizations, strong in your knowledge of the facts, and focused in your Judge’s presence in spite of the judgmental behavior. It’s bound to influence your Judge’s opinion of you in the long run, and it keeps you in charge of your own destiny.

Option 4. Go for the Polarity Response. A common mistake made with Judges is trying to change their mind. Unless you’ve been granted an appeal, you are wasting your time. However, you can use Judges’ judgment intentionally to get the Judges to go from prosecuting what they find offensive to defending it!

Lucky for you, the Judges, like No People, have strong polarity responses. While it’s both ironic and paradoxical, the fact is that people who judge others tend to strongly dislike being judged themselves. Simply crowd them out of the role of prosecutor, by taking what they said and saying it in an even more polarizing manner, offered in the form of a question. Here are two examples:

In both of these cases, notice that the Judge goes opposite to the question and affirms something opposite to his or her own original judgment. That’s the beauty of the polarity response. You don’t have to convince people. You get them to convince themselves.

This has the potential to put the Judge back in the Cooperation Zone. Typically, the Judge will then express regret over his or her own helplessness to bring about a change for the better. If ever there were a time to offer a suggestion, this is it!

Judge:	“I just wish she would listen to me.”
You:	“I’ve found that what works best in this kind of situation is to offer encouragement. When people feel bad, they don’t change. When people feel successful, they accumulate successes.”

Option 5. Give Them a Glimpse of Greatness. Sometimes you have to draw a bigger line and tell problem Judges the truth about how their behavior is self-defeating and what you think would work better instead. Begin by appreciating that their intent is positive, that they care about you, about quality, about getting things right. Then show them how the way they are going about it defeats their own purpose because of how people react to it. Then quickly switch to what they could do instead that would work better. The overview is the same for honesty with any of the problem behaviors. (See the “Tell Your Truth” section in Chapter 7, “Speak to Be Understood.”) Your goal of honesty is to give Judges a glimpse of greatness:

1. State your positive intent. Appreciating Judges’ attention to right and wrong is a key element to gaining access to their willingness to change. You can tell them you appreciate:

“... wanting her to do the right thing.”

“... the way you care about his appearance.”

“... wanting this to turn out well.”

“... wanting me to have a good life.”

“... wanting me to have a fulfilling relationship.”

2. Be specific about the problem behavior. Show Judges the benefit of change by revealing the self-defeating consequences of their behavior. It is likely that Judges are looking at a detail and failing to see the big picture. You want to offer a clear example of how their behavior is self-defeating:

“When you did this, here’s what happened.”

“You’re losing the people you care about because when you say critical things to them about others, they worry about what you’ll say about them behind their back. Then they want to stay away from you.”

“Because she tries to be nice, she doesn’t say anything to you when you say these things to her. But I know she internalizes your feedback and uses it to feel bad about herself. This lowers her self-esteem even further, which makes it even less likely she’ll make the right choices that are so obvious to you.”

Olivia Owl and Robin Robin

The day had arrived for the big migration to the south. The migratory birds had packed their nests and were saying their goodbyes to the nonmigratory birds.

Robin Robin had prepared for this moment for over a month. It wasn’t the migration that concerned her. She had done that many times before, and she could do it with her eyes closed. But today, when she said her good-bye to Aunt Olivia Owl, she planned to talk with her about her critical behavior.

Robin landed on a nearby branch and chirped, “Greetings, Auntie Olivia!”

Olivia Owl sat silently staring, her big yellow eyes focused unblinkingly on Robin Robin. Feeling intimidated, Robin’s resolve briefly wavered.

Finally, Olivia Owl spoke. “Well, I’m glad someone had the decency to fly by to say goodbye. Dahlia and Daisy Duck are already gone. Of course, given how plump they are, they probably need an extra day to fly. Have you seen your brother, Ray Robin? I haven’t. Maybe he flew into a glass window and knocked himself out, the way he did last time. Sitting there on the ground unconscious for all that time, he could have been gobbled up by somebody’s house cat. But it serves him right for zooming around so recklessly. Whooo knows! Perhaps the impact is what made him forget his manners. I heard the geese have already left too, and I haven’t even heard a word from Gabby or Gertie Goose. As Canadian geese, I expected them to be a little more polite than some of the locals!”

Robin Robin knew she couldn’t be a chicken. She had to talk to Aunt Olivia because she could no longer stand the constant stream of critical comments, but she loved her aunt and knew she meant well. Robin didn’t want to become one of the many birds that were permanently migrating out of Aunt Olivia’s life. She took a deep breath.

Olivia seemed to stare at her more intently. “Why are you fidgeting so much? Are you in hurry? If you need to fly off, go ahead.”

Robin looked directly at Olivia, “No, I’m not in a hurry. It’s just that I love you, and I have something to tell you that is very important for me to say and you to hear. But it is difficult to say it.”

“Well, whoo, whoo, I love you too, Robin. What could be so difficult? Just say it!”

“As you wish. Auntie, I know how much you care about everyone. And because you are nocturnal and carnivorous, you have exceptionally good eyes, so you see the details that others often don’t see.”

Robin paused, as Olivia sat in silence with those big yellow eyes staring at her. Then she continued.

“But the things you say sound so harsh to me. You have so much wisdom to offer, but some of the things you say sound harsh instead. So I have to ask you. Do you really think Dahlia Duck doesn’t care about how she looks? Do you really think she is trying to be a disgrace?”

“No! Of course not.”

“I am relieved to hear that.”

“I just wish she would listen to me. She really doesn’t have to be that large.”

“Have you influenced her at all, Auntie?”

“It doesn’t seem so. I swear, she must be preparing herself to become a dish of Peking duck at a Chinese restaurant.”

Robin went on, “Well, I find that encouragement works better than criticism in these situations. Because if you tell her only what is wrong, she feels bad about herself. And when she feels bad, she heads straight to the park and starts quacking to the humans for more bread. And it isn’t just her. Do you really think that all the migratory birds just forgot to say goodbye? Is it possible that some of them didn’t want to? Because when you tell birds critical things about other birds, the birds you say it to worry about what you say about them when they’re not around. They may stop coming around to avoid your criticism. And if they stop coming around, you lose the opportunity to help them.”

Olivia blinked her big yellow eyes and shifted her position on the branch. Robin thought to herself, “Wow, Auntie is actually uncomfortable. I didn’t know she was capable of discomfort!” Robin knew there was no turning back now. “Auntie, I know a secret way to get people to like you and listen to you. Would you like to know what it is?”

Olivia blinked again and said, “Pray tell, Robin, what is it?”

“All you have to do is say nice things about others when someone comes around. And instead of telling others what’s wrong, ask them how you can best be of assistance to them! You have a lot of help to give, but you have to say it in a way that others can hear.” They sat there in silence for what seemed like an eternity, until Robin said, “Well, Auntie Olivia, I am really going to have to fly. I love you! Have a nice winter.” She then turned and said, “Do you want to help me fix my tail feathers? I can’t go flying around all ruffled.”

Olivia Owl blinked her big yellow eyes, “That’s all right, Robin Robin, you look fine just as you are.”

They sat for another moment, and then Olivia said, “Thank you, Robin.”

Then Robin flew south for the winter, looking forward to returning in the spring more than she ever had before.

The moral of this story is that a little bit of encouragement goes a longer way than a lot of criticism.

Judge:	“Jeff doesn’t apply himself in college. He just plays and runs around all the time, and he acts like it doesn’t matter. He is a disgrace to the family.”
You:	“You think Jeff is intentionally trying to disgrace the family? Do you think he’s stupid?”
Judge:	“No, I’m not saying that.”

Judge:	“Loretta doesn’t care how other people see her. She always looks like a mess, and it’s embarrassing.”
You:	“You think she doesn’t know how she looks? You think she likes looking that way? You don’t think she hates looking that way?”
Judge:	“Well, no, of course she hates it!”