Chapter 25

When you talk on the phone, you’re cut off from the visual clues (the 55 percent) that would help you to make sense what you’re hearing.

On the phone, communication comes across in how a person sounds, the 38 percent, and what they say, the 7 percent. What happens to the 55 percent? When the visual elements of face-to-face interaction are removed, people often make up their own mental images. Let’s say you’re on the phone with someone you’ve never met. The voice you hear may remind you of someone else or some other time in your personal history. Or you may associate the tone, speed, and volume with a certain kind of person, based, of course, on your own experience. So you create an image in your mind’s eye that makes sense out of what you’re hearing, and then you respond to what you see in that mental image.

Have you ever had the experience of meeting someone face-to-face that you’d previously talked to only on the phone and the person looked completely different from what you expected? That’s because you believed the image in your mind to be real until you were faced with reality! Now suppose that you had negative feelings associated with the image you made up in the privacy of your own mind. Do you suppose this could influence the way you make sense of the words you hear? Do you suppose that the way you hear the words might influence your reactions? Of course, and quite often, that’s exactly what happens.

A phone conversation comes down to small moments in time that shape perception. All phone conversations are a string of such moments, from how you greet people when you or they answer the phone, how you respond when they tell you something, their response to your response, what you say and how you sound when you put them on hold and vice versa. And in those moments, either you’re adding to or subtracting from the ease of the relationship, simplifying the next moment or growing the complexity of what’s required of you. And the funny thing is, these moments have little to do with truth and everything to do with perception!

You can think you’re doing everything right while everything is going wrong because there is no visual feedback in a phone conversation. You can believe you’re saying and doing all the wrong things only to find that the person you’re talking to is grateful for your time. For this reason, it is important for you to assume that you do not know how you’re going to be perceived. Then, do everything you can to actively shape the perception of the person on the other end of the line. For example: Taking notes while listening to what someone is saying to you over the phone is a great way of keeping track of what you’re hearing. But since that person can’t see that you’re writing, he or she may become concerned at the sounds of silence on your end of the line, unless you mention that you’re going to take some notes. You could be smiling at something the other person is saying, but unless you verbalize that fact, the person may never know. You could be concerned about the problem being described to you, but unless you mention your concern, the other person is free to assume you don’t care.

It’s ironic how little it takes to have successful phone interactions, even with people behaving badly, considering how big a problem can become if you fail to do those little things that make the big difference. The heart and soul of all human relationship comes down to the simple fact that little counts big! And little things add up—both the good and the bad. For example, people only need two or three examples of something to form a generalization. And once people form such generalizations, they will automatically and unconsciously seek aspects of their experience that fulfill the generalizations.

Have you ever told someone on the phone your name, and then a little later the person asked for your name? Have you ever given someone your phone number over the phone, and a short while later the person asks for your phone number? What generalization did you make about that person’s listening skills? Once a negative opinion is formed, anything that can be judged as a negative will be judged as a negative in the light of that opinion!

Generalizations can work for or against you. And it often boils down to these little moments that shape perceptions, moments where the little things count big.

Your ability to control your emotional reactions and the sound of your voice is one of the biggest advantages of talking on the phone. Your tone of voice is wired to your body, and what you do with your body has an effect on your tone. This is probably why some of the most successful telemarketing people keep mirrors on their desks, along with signs reminding them to “smile.”

You can use this to your advantage. When you find yourself getting a little too intense in a phone conversation, lean back, put your feet up, and get in a relaxed posture. That relaxation is likely to have a noticeable effect on your tone of voice. When you need to sound more assertive or commanding, you can get up, take a position of stability and strength by spreading your legs a shoulder length apart, and then add some flexibility by bending slightly at the knee. When you want to sound casual, you can lean against your desk.

The phone actually allows you to have more mastery over your emotional reactions than you might have in face-to-face communication. Hank, a tech support rep for a high-tech company, told us how he deals with upset customers if he finds himself starting to take their verbal abuse personally. Thanks to the headset he wears, he’s able to get up out of his chair and move around. So he does yoga stretches while working with aggressive clients. This helps him to relax because he just can’t take things personally when he’s in a yoga posture! Admittedly, if you were face-to-face with difficult people and you started doing yoga, you probably would confuse the heck out of them. Such behavior might seem insane at worst and inappropriate at best in most circumstances. The phone, thankfully, creates a shield of privacy that allows for offbeat and highly effective behavioral strategies that can change your emotional state to something more productive.

Marci, who works for a government agency, was required to do a radio interview over the phone. She was nervous about being on the radio to begin with since she had never done a radio interview before. Making matters worse, the person who would be conducting the interview was known to be hostile to this particular governmental agency.

Marci had heard about a speaking technique that professional presenters sometimes use to combat nervousness: they visualize the audience dressed only in their underwear. She decided to apply it in reverse. She did the interview from her home, completely naked. And no matter how hard the interviewer tried to provoke her, she wouldn’t take the bait because all the while she was smiling over this very private joke, and that came through her tone.

Unfortunately for Marci, everyone at the office was so impressed with her performance that they voted to have her do all future interviews.

Breathing intentionally is a great way to control your emotional reactions without having to suppress them into a grievance that might surface and sabotage your efforts at a later moment. As you pay attention to your breathing, inspiring yourself when you inhale and releasing tension as you exhale, the person on the other end will hear only your occasional backtracking and clarifying.

You can breathe much more deeply when on the phone than you might be comfortable with in person since such behavior in person might draw attention and elicit a negative reaction. You may want to hit the mute button to take a few breaths. If you don’t have a mute button, move the receiver away from your mouth, and take some nice deep breaths while the other person is talking. Breathing advantage to the phone!

It’s also easier to take notes while talking on the phone than it is while dealing face-to-face with an aggressive person. If you’re being targeted with an angry diatribe, you can write down keywords or phrases that the person says and use those phrases to backtrack effectively. You can even write down keywords to remind you of what you want to say in response when it’s your turn to talk. Such notes become a helpful map that you can use to implement the behavioral strategies we provided in Part 3 of this book, or you can just use them to return some semblance of rationality to the interaction.

You can also use note taking as a way of venting your emotional response to someone behaving badly on the other end of the line. Draw a silly picture of how you think the person looks. Put horns on the face, add a mustache, scribble all over the picture, and then X the face out entirely. When it comes to handling your feelings with people out of control, maybe you did learn everything you needed to know in kindergarten!

While the hold button can be your ally, it also poses the danger of making things worse. That’s because wait is on the other side of hold! Most people have a whole life going on outside of their relationship with you, and every moment spent on hold is a moment stolen from some potentially more productive activity. And what makes the wait unbearable? Not knowing when it’s going to end. Two minutes can seem like an hour to people who have pressing agendas and don’t know when you’ll be back. In general, before putting people on hold, ask their permission, and tell them how long they’ll likely have to wait. If they don’t like the choice, give them options.

If someone is behaving like a Tank, then putting that person on hold will likely escalate the problem. Remember, the Tank is moving forward fast, and anything that takes time or seems irrelevant may be deemed a provocation. If you are going to put a Tank on hold, first state the purpose of doing so and how it serves the interests of the Tank. This is what we call in Chapter 8, “Get What You Project and Expect,” a statement of intent: “In order to solve your problem fast, I need to talk to someone else. It will take only a minute, two minutes at most. May I put you on hold, or would you prefer that I call you back?”

The statement of intent is this: “In order to solve your problem fast, ...” This blends with the Tank’s desire for action. By providing a time frame, that is, “It will take only a minute, two minutes at most,” you give the Tank some sense of control over the wait. After all, you can be certain that the Tank doesn’t have all day. But make sure the time frame you give is realistic. Do not tell the Tank “this will take only a minute” and then take four minutes, because by the time you get back, your Tank will be ready to launch a full-scale assault. Asking for permission and waiting for an answer also blends with the Tank’s desire for control, as does offering the option to call him or her back. It’s a safe assumption that the Tank has places to go, things to do, and people to see.

With a Grenade, on the other hand, hold gives you a tremendous advantage. The fourth step in the Grenade strategy is “Take a break.” Because Grenades do not like losing it, your use of the hold button gives them some private time to compose. If you have ever had to deal with a Grenade on the phone and you passed the call along to someone else, it is likely that the next person found a more normal person on the other end of the line. Or you can always make up an excuse for ending the call and let the Grenade know you’ll call back in a few minutes. When you call back, you will find yourself dealing with a somewhat calmer, more rational person.

If you ever find yourself in the situation of taking the call of a person who’s been left on hold for a long time, prepare to blend by acknowledging the long wait and by apologizing for the inconvenience. “I know you were holding a long time. I really apologize for the inconvenience. What did you want to talk about?” By quickly blending and then focusing forward, it is highly likely that the person will stop brooding and brewing about what has passed and focus instead on the reason for the call.

Many of the signals that people recognize as listening behaviors—eye contact, head nodding, note taking, and meaningful looks—are seen more than heard. Since you can’t send those signals over the phone, you must be certain to give verbal signals of listening instead.

“Hmmm.”

“Ugh.”

“Oh no.”

“Wow.”

“You’re kidding! Then what happened?”

You say parts of words and parts of phrases because you want people to know you are right there with them, but you also want to stay out of their way.

Backtracking, as we discussed in Chapter 5, is always important. But the power of backtracking is multiplied when on the phone. Remember that when you backtrack, you not only let people know that you have listened to them but you also buy some time to think about what you want to ask or say next and how you want to steer the conversation.

When you take notes and backtrack, you let the people you’re talking to on the phone know that you’re still on the line. That’s better than the sound of silence, which might mistakenly give the impression that you’re not listening.

It sometimes happens that people provide you with personal information in a phone conversation. When they do, make note of it for future reference since these personal details allow you to build a relationship. Then, before making a call, or while taking a call, you can look up the details and use them as points of reference that tell the callers you value talking to them.

Note: Beware of multitasking. Don’t go off and surf the net or play a game while talking to people, unless you want to give them the distinct impression that you’re not listening!

The eighth advantage of talking on the phone: you can close your eyes to concentrate, not to catch up on sleep (unless you have a tape recording of you grunting occasionally!). When you close your eyes, you remove visual distractions, and this may actually help you focus on what you’re hearing. This might be useful to you when the precision of your communication is important or when difficult details are being discussed or when past experience tells you that you’re going to be tested on what you’ve heard.

There’s a method to making the most out of listening with your eyes closed. First, begin with the assumption that you know nothing. Picture a blank slate in your mind’s eye. Then allow the other person’s words to provide the details in your thinking. If something is missing, you can always backtrack and ask a clarification question to fill in the blanks. While you can’t do this for long periods in face-to-face communication, closing your eyes while you listen is a naturally good choice over the phone.

When it comes to ounces of prevention, the phone is an advantage waiting to be taken for implementing the strategies given in Part 3. Using these ounces of prevention, you may be able to avoid the pounds of cure for dealing with the 10 (+ 3) Most Unwanted.

1. Shape perceptions.

2. Use your body for tone control.

3. Breathe for your life.

4. Chart a course.

5. Know when to hold ’em, and when to fold ’em.

6. Send listening signals!

7. Sound prepared, even when you’re not.

8. You can close your eyes.