Chapter 11

Darren and Jay were engineers in a high-tech firm. Darren was five years older than Jay, and he had been with the company three years longer. For that reason, everyone figured that the promotion would go to Darren. But Jay was easy to get along with, he was a hard worker, and he had demonstrated a lot of initiative and creativity. His efforts had finally been noticed by the powers that be and rewarded: Jay was promoted to regional sales manager.

One week after his promotion, Jay parked his car and entered the building. As he headed for his new office, he could see his entire staff gathered around Darren in the hallway. They appeared to be hanging on Darren’s every word and laughing excitedly. As Jay drew nearer to the group, their laughter quieted down, until Darren’s voice could be heard clearly. “Yeah, that Jay!” Darren was saying. “You ask him what time it is, he tells you how to make a watch! He’s got nothing to say, but you have to wait so long to find out!! Ha ha ha ha!” Noticing that his audience was no longer laughing, Darren turned his head in the direction of everyone else’s gaze, only to find himself looking at Jay’s flustered expression. “Oh, uh, here’s the big man himself!”

“What did I do to deserve this?” thought Jay to himself, as he tried to figure out how to respond to being targeted by a Sniper.

There are several motivations for sniping behavior. Some people snipe when they’re angry about the way events have turned out, and they are carrying a grudge against the person or people who interfered with their plans. Some people snipe as a way of undermining anyone who might interfere with their plans. And some people snipe just to get some attention from people they like.

When events don’t go as planned or they are obstructed by others, a get it done person may try to eliminate the opposition through sniping. To avoid retaliation, a covert operation is called for, so the Sniper hides behind such devious techniques as rude comments, sarcastic humor, biting tones of voice, and the classic roll of the eyes. Snipers can use confusion as a weapon, by making irrelevant remarks that throw people off track and leave them looking foolish. A few well-placed shots and in time, the Sniper is the only one left standing and in control.

When there is a grudge associated with sniping, “Don’t get mad, get even!” becomes the Sniper’s modus operandi. Here are a few of the grudges that have inspired Sniper attacks, as reported by people in our seminar audiences:

The chauvinist who didn’t like working for a woman supervisor

The elder who didn’t want to answer to a young upstart who lacked his experience

The functionary who believed she’d been bypassed on an important project

The girlfriend who was in love with the guy her best friend married

The mother whose advice about whom to marry was ignored

The father whose daughter married someone who wasn’t good enough for her

The classmate who was jealous of the new student’s successes

In the case of Darren and Jay, Darren was angry about being bypassed for the promotion, and he wrongly blamed Jay.

Not all sniping is meant to kill or even wound. There is such a thing as the relatively innocent, attention-getting, playful snipe. Sometimes, teasing is an attention-getting strategy motivated by the desire to make people laugh and thus gain appreciation. Good friendships sometimes thrive on the playful rivalry of “put-down humor.” In the artificial and ever present world of television, they call this a “situation comedy.” Everyone teases everyone else mercilessly, then the studio audience laughs loudly, and it’s on to the next scene. But in the real world, not everyone likes sarcasm or has the ability to laugh at a well-aimed put-down. Instead of merely grazing the intended target, a playful snipe can cause a mortal wound. And the playful Sniper might never know that any damage was done because the target of the jibe was smiling on the outside while bleeding on the inside.

If you don’t like to be teased and sniping wounds you, it may become common knowledge that you’re an easy target. Once word gets out, a time may come when someone will try to take advantage of your weakness. (Witness the way grade school kids torment each other, and you’ll see that the most vulnerable ones take the brunt of the teasing!) And every time you react to the sniping, you’ll be setting yourself up, as they gain encouragement to dish out more of the same.

Provoked in this way, you may want to lash out blindly or run away, but in either case the Sniper will extract a victory from your defeat. Or you may tease back, but be warned: if you’ve never learned how to say obnoxious things in a humorous way to difficult people, your half-hearted attempts at revenge will surely backfire on you. So you might as well face up to it: to get sniping to stop, you’re going to have to learn how to live with it because if the Sniper can’t get you to react, the behavior loses its value.

The attitude to develop with Snipers is one of amused curiosity, so you can put the behavior in perspective. When the Sniper snipes, instead of taking it personally, get curious enough to focus on the Sniper instead of yourself. Since sniping may be a symptom of insecurity, you may find the humor in the behavior by seeing your problem person as an insecure grade schooler. Perhaps you recall the single best response to sarcasm: “I know you are, but what am I?” Or the second best response: “I am rubber, and you are glue, and anything you say bounces off me and sticks to you.” Thinking these thoughts can be a great help. Difficult as it may be to believe, saying them can too!

Mary used to have to deal with a coworker named Ron sniping at her in meetings. One day after a snipe she said in a childlike voice: “I know you are, but what am I?” Everyone in the meeting laughed at the exchange except Ron. Mary had lightened things up with honor, discharged her discomfort, and revealed the Sniper’s childish behavior for what it was in one easy line. Ron, clearly not amused, never sniped at her again.

If sniping really gets to you, learn to become an invincible master of your own responses. Find someone to serve as a model of cool, calm, and collected. Or mentally change history by reviewing the memory of a time when someone sniped at you, only this time you calmly take out your Sniper with a simple flick of the verbal wrist.

If you are dealing with the innocent Sniper who really doesn’t mean anything by it, some reframing is in order. See the remark as a sign of affection or a behavioral quirk. If you can’t laugh at it, at least you can learn to laugh it off.

Your goal when dealing with Snipers is to bring them out of hiding. Whatever type of Sniper you face, whether the playful snipe, the controlling snipe, or the grudge snipe, you need to remember only this: Snipers can’t snipe if there’s nowhere to hide. Since Snipers’ limited power is derived from covert, not overt, activity, once you have exposed their position, that position becomes useless. By dealing directly and assertively with Sniper behavior, you take the fun out of it for them, and you even the odds by forcing them out of their hiding place and onto common ground.

Step 1. Stop, Look, Backtrack. Since your goal is to bring Snipers out of hiding, you must first zero in on their hiding place. If, because of something that’s said or the way something is said, it seems to you that someone is taking shots at you, stop!—even in the middle of a sentence or a word. Interrupt yourself, and bring all your activity to a complete standstill. Scan for the Sniper, and then backtrack whatever they said, all in one smooth move.

There is a great deal of power in interrupting yourself. Whether you’re one-on-one or there are witnesses present, self-interruption brings all attention to bear on the Sniper, including the attention of the Sniper. If the snipe is a facial expression that others have seen, you may not be able to backtrack it verbally, but you can do a quick imitation of the facial expression you saw. Chances are, it will get a laugh and relieve some tension on everyone’s part. Whenever you follow a Sniper’s interruption with a quick backtrack of the offensive remark, that’s equivalent to catching a bullet in midair and letting it fall harmlessly to the ground. The nonverbal message is “You missed me.”

Jay stopped walking, and he stood there facing Darren in the silence. He scanned the faces of the hallway assembly, then locked eyes with Darren. In a level tone and curious manner, Jay said, “So, I heard you say that I have ‘nothing to say, but you have to wait a long time to hear it.”’ [Backtracking]

Step 2. Use Searchlight Questions. Now it’s time to turn on the searchlight, by asking a question to draw the Sniper out on a limb to expose the behavior. There are two types of searchlight questions that you can ask the Sniper:

Whichever searchlight you use, the keys to using it well are to keep your tone neutral and to have an innocent look on your face. Don’t let any sarcasm creep in. The more calm and professional you are, the more powerful the effect.

Let’s examine these two searchlight questions, using the situation in the hallway between Darren and Jay.

“When you say that it takes a long time to find out what I have to say, what are you really trying to say, Darren?” [Searchlight question, probing for the grievance]

“Nothing! Just a joke, that’s all. What’s the matter?” Darren says, trying to get in a second shot. “Can’t take a joke?” Darren’s face is now strictly business.

“Darren, when you say ‘Can’t take a joke?,’ I’m still wondering, what are you really trying to say?” [Searchlight question, probing for the grievance]

Or Jay could use the other searchlight question, which asks for the relevance of the Sniper’s remark. To search for relevance, first state the purpose of the present situation or activity, as you understand it. Then ask for the relevancy of the Sniper’s comment to the stated purpose, as in “What does that [what the Sniper said] have to do with this [what you stated as the purpose of the activity]?”

“Darren, we all have to work together in this division. [Stating purpose] My purpose in this job is to encourage teamwork. [Aligning himself with that purpose] What do your remarks about me have to do with our ability to work together as a team?” [Searchlight question, asking for relevancy]

By using searchlight questions to inquire about the relevancy of a confusing or sarcastic remark, you refocus attention on a worthwhile purpose so that you can get back on track. In fact, you may find out what the relevancy is and in turn be able to resolve the problem.

Whichever searchlight question you choose to use, the Sniper has three response options:

Step 3. Use the Tank Strategy If Needed. If the Sniper becomes a Tank and starts accusing you of being the cause of this or that problem, no problem. In a sense, you’ll have actually improved the situation because now you’ve found out what the problem is to some degree. But it is important to use the Tank strategy to command respect not only from the Sniper but also from those who witnessed the attack.

Remember to hold your ground, interrupt their interruption, backtrack the main accusation, and in this case aim at your own bottom line before offering them the olive branch at a time and place of your own choosing.

Step 4. Go on a Grievance Patrol. If you suspect that someone is holding a grudge against you, but you’re not certain, go on patrol and see what you can scout out. If you find evidence of a grudge, you may want to clear the air. The best place to do this is in private. It sometimes helps to have a neutral third party present but not for the first meeting. To begin the conversation, remind your Sniper of any past negative statements that were made that you are aware of, and find out what the Sniper was really trying to say by asking the intent question.

If the Sniper denies any hidden agenda, try to put yourself in the Sniper’s shoes. Mentally review the course of events as you understand them. Once you’ve come up with an idea, suggest it, and watch for a reaction. If you think of several possibilities, rattle them all off. Preface your guesses by saying, “I don’t know what is going on for you” or “I am guessing here, but ...” Once you’ve guessed correctly, the Sniper is likely to acknowledge what you’ve said and fill in any details you’ve overlooked.

If you are successful in bringing the grudge to the surface, it is imperative that you listen carefully to all your Sniper has to say. Your goal is to have the Sniper express his or her point of view completely until you understand it. Understanding doesn’t mean you agree or disagree or that you have to do anything about it. There is, therefore, no need to defend, explain, justify, or make excuses. Instead, backtrack, clarify, and help the Sniper express the grievance fully, with no resistance on your part, doing your best to see events as the Sniper sees them. Once you fully understand the nature of the grievance, let the Sniper know that you understand, and express your appreciation for the candid description of the problem.

If the grievance is just, acknowledge the validity of the grievance or admit to a mistake. Doing this will enhance your credibility and earn respect. If you have information that you believe would shed light on the situation, this is the point to let it be known. “May I tell you how this happened?” If the answer is no, simply reply, “Fair enough.” This is true even with a grievance expressed in a public setting, where anyone curious to hear your side of the story will ask for it, either at the time or later on.

For example, you are at a meeting. The Sniper makes a sarcastic comment. You backtrack and ask the intent question, searching for the grievance. The Sniper tells you, “You are taking too long to tell us too much. We don’t need all these details right now, and you’ve already gone over the time allotted to you. Other people need to speak too, you know.” If you determine that the accusation is true, simply say, “You’re right. I’ll finish this up, and I’ll yield the floor to someone else.”

If you get into this private meeting and the Sniper won’t talk, then the Sniper qualifies as a Nothing Person. You’ll find more information on dealing with this difficult person in Chapter 17.

Step 5. Suggest a Civil Future. Whether in private or in public, finish the interaction by suggesting an alternative behavior for the future. It can be helpful to first unite with the Sniper on a higher intent, that is, the good of the company, the team, and so on. Then say “In the future, if you have a problem with me, come talk to me about it one-on-one. I promise to hear you out.”

Until you’ve made it explicit, the Sniper may not have known that talking with you was even an option. At the end of any encounter or discussion with Snipers, it’s important to let them know that your preference in the future is open and honest communication.

So what about the Snipers who actually like you and are just playfully teasing you? How do you get them to stop making jokes at your expense? Remember that it is best to call attention to the behavior in private because embarrassing them or humiliating them in public serves no one’s long-term interest. Use the honesty strategy to let them know that you don’t enjoy or appreciate the put-down humor. Tell them that it isn’t fun for you and that whenever it happens, you want to avoid them. Let them know that you would prefer to feel great about them, and then ask for what you want. Though they may not understand how anyone could take offense at something clearly so benign and playful, they probably will change their behavior around you, at least for a couple of weeks. Your goal in that two-week period is to appreciate them every time they make a joke that is not a snipe. Since their intent is to get appreciation, they just might find that they can get it through your positive reinforcement.

Occasionally, you hear a report that “so-and-so” said “such-and-such” about you. The question is, who’s the Sniper in this scenario? Is it the “so-and-so,” or is it the person who’s telling you this is so? Sometimes informants are really Snipers in disguise. They frame other people with a comment taken out of context, sharpen it to a point, and then plunge it into your chest with an innocent, “Did you hear what ‘so-and-so’ said about you?”

If the reason that you’re being told about the supposed snipe by this particular informant somehow escapes you, turn on the searchlight. Ask, “Does ‘so-and-so’ know that you are telling me this?” If the answer is no, then tell the informant that you’ll discuss this further only with all parties involved: you, the accused, and the informant. “Let’s go talk to ‘so-and-so.”’ That will end it right then and there, as the informant seeks to get away from the bright searchlight of your questions.

Suppose, however, that your informant is a trusted confidant whom you can count on for reliable information. In that case, drop what you’re doing and go directly to the possible Snipers. Tell them what you’ve heard, and ask if it’s true because even a reliable source can get it wrong. If the supposed Sniper asks “Who told you that?” remember to protect the identity of your source, and answer the question by restating the original question. “Actually, that’s not the question. I’m asking you, did you say this about me?” The strategy with Snipers, whether the snipe is done to you, around you, or behind your back, is to bring them out of hiding by making the behavior of sniping uncomfortable. If the supposed Sniper denies having said anything, let it go because the Sniper’s discomfort, rather than a confession, is your goal. Should you hear about it again, repeat the process because Snipers can’t snipe if you don’t let them hide.

Jay and Darren

“Yeah, that Jay!” said Darren to Jay’s coworkers. “You ask him what time it is, he tells you how to make a watch! He’s got nothing to say, but you have to wait so long to find out!! Ha ha ha ha!” And then, turning his head in the direction of everyone else’s gaze, “Uh oh.†Here’s the big man himself!”

“Hi everyone,” said Jay. “Darren, I need your help with something. Can I talk to you in my office for a moment?” Once they got there, Jay didn’t mince words. “Darren, it must be very tough for you to have been here as long as you have and to have someone younger and more junior in the organization come in and snatch a promotion from you that you deserved.” [Go on a grievance patrol] Then he stopped and looked at Darren, waiting for a response.

Darren sat there tight lipped, brow furrowed, staring at Jay with a smoldering fury in his eyes. Jay continued, “I know it doesn’t matter that I didn’t ask for or want this promotion. If I were in your position, I guess I’d feel a bit unappreciated by this company.” Darren sighed.

Jay went on. “I think you are very capable, and I have learned a lot from you in the time we’ve worked together. We are here to make a quality product that will in turn make people’s lives with computers easier and more productive. To do that successfully we need to be a team. [Uniting on higher intent] I want you on that team, Darren. I think you have a lot to offer. What are we going to do?”

Finally Darren spoke: “Well, you’re right about one thing. It’s not fair. I have been here so much longer than you. I have put in the effort.” Jay just listened silently, nodding and occasionally backtracking as Darren continued. Once Darren has vented his grudge, he seemed to transform back into the rational person Jay had originally known him to be. “But I guess it isn’t your fault.”

Then Jay spoke: “If there is a problem between us in the future, can I count on you to come to me rather than talk about me?” [Suggest a civil future]

Jay moved the relationship into the future himself when he asked, “Then I can depend on you to be the constructive team member I know you to be?”

“Yeah.” Darren said somewhat shyly and then added, “Mr. Manager.”

Then they both laughed.

The Great Relevancy Challenge

Sue worked for a small manufacturing company in Indiana. She was the only woman in her department, and she was the only woman at the weekly staff meetings. One of the men attending these meetings was a sexist Sniper, who seemed to find great pleasure in irritating and undermining Sue with his provocations. Whenever she tried to call attention to his sometimes cruel, consistently crude remarks, his response was typically, “Hey, don’t get all emotional. Can’t you take a joke?” The other men would snicker and chuckle, and Sue would become despondent.

One day, Sue decided she needed an attitude adjustment. She came to us with her story, telling us how “They’re all against me,” and we offered her another point of view. We pointed out to her that the other men in the group might not be laughing at her after all. They might be laughing out of their discomfort because that’s what a lot of people do when they don’t know what else to do to get beyond an uncomfortable moment. We asked if she had ever laughed nervously. “Yeah,” she laughed nervously. “I guess I have.”

Next we suggested that she should focus her attention on the Sniper, instead of on the rest of the men in the group. We gave her the Sniper strategy, asked her to mentally rehearse it a few times before trying it out, and sent her on her way. A couple of weeks later, she called in great spirits, and she reported on her progress.

She said that she had neutralized the Sniper with the searchlight for relevancy, and it worked like a charm. After the snipe, she had turned to the Sniper and with calm curiosity said,

“It is my understanding that the purpose of this meeting is to come up with innovations for our quality improvement program. [Stating the purpose of the meeting] My proposal is intended to improve quality. [Aligning herself with that purpose] I am just wondering how your comment [Here she backtracked the sexist remark] contributes to that purpose of improving quality?” [Searchlight relevancy question]

She followed this with her most innocent look. He responded in his typical way: “Hey babe. Don’t get all emotional. Can’t you take a joke?” But she was ready. With growing curiosity, she backtracked this remark, then asked:

“What does my emotional state and sense of humor have to do with innovations to improve quality?” [Searchlight relevancy question]

No matter what he said, she backtracked and asked for relevancy. In the glare of her searchlight questions, his former allies suddenly started looking at him as if to say, “Who let that jerk in here? We don’t know him.” His last words? “Forget it.” And that was the end of that. Except for later, we suspect, when his former allies teased him mercilessly for the way she got the better of him!