The Meddler
Sally Squirrel arrived at the branch where she was supposed to meet the new squirrel guy in her life. She hoped it was sufficiently far from home to keep her mother Suzie from finding out.
But then came a demanding voice from a tree away. “Sally, where are you hiding? Show yourself.” And just like that, her mother was on the same branch, facing Sally.
“So how’s the chipmunk?” Suzie demanded. “I heard that you were seen with one.”
Sally sat silently stunned, not only at how quickly the news had gotten around but also at how twisted it had become. “Who told you I was seeing someone?” she asked. Someone must have seen her, she thought, because she hadn’t told anyone, particularly her mother. She didn’t want to have to deal with the relentless questioning she knew she was about to undergo. It was like an interrogation, only without the bright lights.
“A little bird told me,” her mother replied. “Why would you give a chipmunk the time of day? Do you plan to live in a hole in the ground? Chipmunks are nothing but hoarders, if you ask me. They never amount to anything.”
Sally didn’t want to tell her a thing. Yet she felt compelled to say something. “C’mon, Mom! He’s not a chipmunk. He’s a wonderful southern squirrel, and I’m just getting to know him!”
“Southern? What kind of family does he come from? What are his plans for the future? Did you know that stylish Sammy Squirrel hops by our home every week, asking after you? He is so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I told him you would have acorns with him tomorrow at the big oak tree.”
“You told him what?” Sally screeched.
“You heard me. He looks like a solid provider, not another one of the nutcases you keep getting involved with!”
“But I’m seeing Red tomorrow,” Sally squealed—and smacked herself in the head with her tail for revealing his name.
“Red, is it? In which tree does he live? I’ll let him know that you can’t make it.”
“Mother! You will do no such thing.”
Suzie didn’t even flinch. “Red? What kind of squirrel is named after a color? What does he do, this ‘Red’? Does he have any plans?”
Sally was now so off balance from the onslaught of questions that she stuttered out a feeble, “I don’t know what he plans to do. I’m just getting to know him myself.”
“Don’t tell me he’s another dropout, or that he’s just a gatherer. Anyone can do that. You know what they say. Eventually, even a blind squirrel finds the nuts.”
“No, as a matter of fact, he’s not a dropout. In fact, he’s a flier! He can glide, he’s cute, and he’s funny. For all I know, maybe he’ll go into entertainment. He gets his picture taken every day. He’s the most downloaded squirrel on the Internet! He’s going to be somebody!”
Suzie twitched her tail in disgust and pressed on. “Not a high-flying dot-com squirrel! And where will you be when he crashes and burns? How do you know he isn’t just trying to weasel his way into your nest for a season? After all, why buy the feeder when you can get the seeds for free?”
Suddenly, horror crossed Sally’s face as she looked a few branches beyond her mother and saw Red! She covered her face with her tail, hoping he wouldn’t see her, but a hop, bounce, and flying jump later, he was right there with them.
“Hi, Sally, ma’am.” He tipped his head to Suzie. “How ya’ll doin’?”
Sally still hadn’t uncovered her face. From behind her tail she mumbled, “Hi, Red.”
Suzie looked him up and down. “So you’re Red. I’ll have you know I’m Sally’s mother.”
With a gentle sweep of his tail and a bow of his head, Red drawled,
A pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Squirrel.”
“I hear you and my daughter are dating,” Suzie said.
Sally was still hiding her face behind her tail, when the situation went from bad to worse.
“So, Red, what are your intentions toward my daughter? Are you going to marry her?”
Red’s mouth began slowly to open, but before he could answer, they heard an urgent voice cry. “Mother, Mother!”
It was Sally Squirrel’s sister Sarah, who hopped, leaped, dropped when she missed a branch, made a good recovery, then jumped, and joined the three of them on the branch.
“Mother, I think the chipmunks may be raiding our nest.”
Without a word Suzie bolted from the branch and was gone.
“Do ya’ll need muh help?” Red asked.
Sarah Squirrel gave them a wink of her eye and a shake of her tail, and they realized that she was helping them out.
“Thanks so much, Sarah,” her sister said. “I owe you.”
“Yeah, you do. But right now you two better get out of here before she gets back.”
As the two squirrels leapt, jumped, and scampered off, Sally wondered, “Why does Mother have to do that? The last thing I need right now is her interference in my life!”
Meddlers think they know what’s best for you. So they use unwanted questions and advice, to try to manage your life.
A Meddler’s behavior begins when the intention to get it done combines with the intention to get it right.
When the intent to get it right is combined with the intent to get it done and is projected onto other people, Meddlers feel compelled to intervene. They seek to get others to change what they’re doing and how they’re doing it by pointing out what needs to be avoided and directing people toward what needs to take place. Their behavior indicates that they have no confidence in the ability of people to make it happen. They criticize others and tell them what to do instead, in order to assure the right result. “When are you going to get married?” they’ll want to know, and then give you the third degree. By prodding instead of persuading, their attempts to have influence are treated like unwelcome interference.
The Range of Difficulty: Nosy to
Manipulative
There is a range of difficulty among Meddlers. There are your basic Nosy Meddlers who look over your shoulder in order to get a glimpse into your life. This involves poking around in subjects that are no one else’s business, in order to find out what you’re doing.
There are the Controlling Meddlers who look over your shoulder in order to make sure you do exactly what they want done. Don’t do this. Do that. Watch out for that. Don’t touch that. Do what you’re told or be judged a failure.
Then there are the Interfering Meddlers who do things for you, against your express wishes, but for your own good. After all, these Meddlers know what’s right for you. And you’re obviously not going to take the appropriate amount of responsibility.
Finally, there are the Manipulative Meddlers who mess with a key detail of your life in order to affect some other part of your life. You, of course, are the last to know. And by the time you find out, the deed is done, and you get to deal with it.
From what you wear, to whom you spend time with, to how you talk, to what you do, the Meddlers are keeping an eye on you.
You’d Better Adjust Your Attitude
Of all the problem behaviors you could deal with, the Meddlers can be the most perplexing. Meddlers’ good intentions, no matter how badly implemented, are evident. Their desire to do the right thing is, for them, an irresistible call to action. You’re not going to convince them that meddling is wrong because in their frame of reference nothing could be more right.
• In your behavior and manner, approach Meddlers with caution and a strong sense of responsibility. This blends with both their intent to get it right and get it done. Enter into the dialogue from a place of commitment, strength, and determination, while knowing that they must do what they think is right and responsible. A little bemusement, kept to yourself, is a plus. It will help you not to take their behavior too seriously, no matter how invasive or personal they become.
• In terms of your demeanor, be relaxed and reflective in the presence of invasive and even hostile questions. Just because they ask a question doesn’t mean you have to answer it. Instead, ask them a question back, and then be curious enough to look and listen for whatever’s behind what they’ve said. If they ask about your diet or weight, be curious about their food and appearance issues. If they ask about your love life, be curious about their relationship issues. If they ask about your finances, be curious about their money issues. Speak with self-assurance, so that you send the clear signal that you’re responsible for yourself and alert to making your best choices. Your nonverbal response must also convey that you’re responsible and want to do what’s right.
• Don’t answer questions that have not specifically been asked. If they don’t ask, don’t tell. Just recognize human nature instead of spilling the beans. And if they do ask specific questions, remember, you still don’t have to tell them the answers. Instead, rather than deal with the content of their questions, focus on their intentions and the pattern of their relationship with you.
• Don’t volunteer details or reveal anything that you don’t want them involved with. Once the cat is out of the bag, it’s difficult to put it back in. (Although why the cat was in the bag is something we’ve never really understood.) Realize that they may not know where to draw the line and may go further than you want them to.
• Don’t involve them unless you know they have something to offer. If they do have something to offer, let them know what it is as specifically and narrowly defined as possible, rather than leaving it open-ended or subject to interpretation. By exercising some responsibility over their input, you may be able to maintain an appropriate boundary between you.
Your Goal: Preserve and Protect the Boundary
When dealing with meddling Meddlers who seek to first invade and then remotely run your life, your behavior must send an unmistakable signal that there is a boundary between you that will not be crossed. They must come to understand that while you appreciate their concern and interest, you have the outcome under control and a clear view of the details along the way. The best thing they can give you is their support, and the best thing you can give them is a well-defined boundary that they cannot cross.
Action Plan
Option 1. Appreciate Their Intentions. The behavior of meddling is often adopted as a solution to the problem of loneliness. More often than not, Meddlers are older than you, with too much time on their hands. Add to this the feeling of being unwanted and unneeded that sometimes comes with age. The result? You have people trying to have some responsibility somewhere by applying what they think they’ve learned from their own life to targets of convenience. Essentially, that’s whoever happens to be around.
When Meddlers occupy their thoughts with the business of others, they can experience being with others, even if they’re alone. When they see you, they can’t help but offer you what they came up with for your benefit.
Other times, Meddlers meddle to compensate for the guilt they feel over their own failures. They didn’t figure out what to do until it was too late for them, but it isn’t too late to help you!
Telling Meddlers that what they’re doing is wrong, verbally or nonverbally, will likely trigger a wave of self-justification and defensive communication that could damage the future of your relationship. Obviously, this is better avoided.
While you may hate what they’re doing, there’s no reason for or value in hating them for doing it. Instead, you can express appreciation to them for their interest and concern. In this way, you meet them where they are. And with a little luck, you may relieve a good deal of the pressure that drives their behavior by receiving it as an intended gift rather than interference or imposition. That’s why it’s hard to go wrong when you thank Meddlers for their intentions.
If possible, you can even thank them for their actions, based on your understanding of their intentions. Thank them for visits, for gifts, for advice, for time spent, for interest. Let them see you as someone who respects their desire to get it done and get it right, and they will remain open to your influence down the road.
Option 2. Give Them a Place to Meddle. Sometimes people meddle because they have nothing else to occupy their time. With all that time on their hands, they get to thinking about ways to meaningfully contribute to the people they love, and they arrive at the idea of making other people’s lives their hobby. They’ll offer their good advice, keep an eye on things, and watch out for preventable problems, trying to make sure that nothing goes wrong.
If they’re determined to meddle, put the behavior in context and give the Meddlers a place to meddle. Ask their advice on an issue of lesser consequence. This may create a diversion from the subject you would prefer them to leave alone. Pick an area where their meddling is harmless and possibly constructive. Invite their assistance. Let them help you with something, even if it’s something you can do more easily without their help. This gives them the feeling of being responsible and appropriate, and it may satiate their need to be involved in your life.
If a Meddler is meddling with your wedding preparations, put the Meddler in charge of something, even if it’s just making the place cards. Count your blessings that you have someone willing to help, and take advantage of the offer!
Option 3. Meddle with the Meddling. There are many ways to meddle with the meddling, like taking control, having a canned response, or creating a diversion.
• Take control. You can stop being a victim by taking control of the meddling. Become fascinated with it, and try to find out everything you can, from the source—the Meddlers, of course! Find out their interests. Find out how they define the words they use. Find out by asking questions! Ask enough questions and you may even reveal to them that they know less about the subject than they thought. If that’s the case, they’ll back off and get out of your way. Let their behavior be your cue. The next time they ask about your private life, ask them what they want to know and then probe their answers.
| Meddler: | “Are you dating?” |
| You: | “What is it you want to know about me and dating?” |
| Meddler: | “Well, I want to know what kind of person you’re seeing.” |
| You: | “What kind of person would you like me to be seeing?” |
| Meddler: | “You shouldn’t wear that. It makes you look fat.” |
| You: | “It makes me look fat to whom?” |
| Meddler: | “People.” |
| You: | “What is it about looking fat that matters this much to you?” |
| Meddler: | “All that butter will raise your cholesterol.” |
| You: | “How much will this butter raise my cholesterol?” |
| Meddler: | “I mean in general.” |
| You: | “How much butter in general will raise my cholesterol?” |
• Have a canned response. If Meddlers meddle in predictable ways, and you can anticipate the kinds of things they’ll say, then having predictable responses to say in response may be all that’s needed to derail the meddling. For example:
| Meddler: | “Dear, when are you going to get married?” |
| You: | “Aunt Ellen, I’ll get married just as soon as I find someone to love me as much as Uncle Harry loves you.” |
That one is particularly effective because it has two possible reactions. If Aunt Ellen is unhappy with Uncle Harry, she isn’t going to keep rushing you into something you might regret. And if she is happy with Uncle Harry, she’s going to want you to wait until you find the right person.
Predictable responses are best thought of ahead of time. The next time Meddlers meddle in that predictable way, what do you want to remember to say? Write it down, practice it, and then when the opportunity presents itself, use it!
• Create a diversion. You could also use Junk O’Logic to create a diversion. Junk O’Logic makes an artificial connection between what Meddlers say and what you say in response. (You can read more about it in Chapter 13, “The Think-They-Know-It-All.”)
| Meddler: | “That coat is not going to keep him warm. Why don’t you buy him a decent coat for the winter?” |
| You: | “Thanks for mentioning the winter. I was in town the other day, and I saw this lovely window display that you would have enjoyed so much!” [Then just keep going, for at least a minute!] |
| Meddler: | “If you get fat, no one is going to like you, and you’ll end up alone and miserable, like your father’s brother. Is that what you want?” |
| You: | “I’m so glad you mentioned him. Have you talked with him lately? The last time we spoke, he ...” |
Once you start talking, keep going, for at least 30 seconds to a minute. This may be enough to distract them and make them forget their attempt to meddle. You can also employ a visual distraction:
| Meddler: | “I can’t believe you wasted your money on that car. What were you thinking?” |
| You: | “I was thinking. ... Look! Over there!” |
Then point somewhere, suddenly, and start talking about what you see at the end of your finger. Watch them get confused! On the phone, say, “Oh my! Amazing!” And then start talking about anything else. This sort of sudden and strange behavior is called a pattern disruption. If you do it regularly in the presence of a behavior you want to discourage, your Meddler may find it harder and harder to remember to bother meddling at all.
One woman told us of the time her mother demanded to know of her boyfriend, “When are you going to marry my daughter?” Her sister jumped in just then with a distraction. “When are you going to pass the potatoes?” Then she quickly changed the subject to something else, and they made it through the rest of the meal without any further meddling.
Option 4. Negotiate the Boundary. What’s usually missing with meddling is a clearly defined boundary between you and the Meddler. When you find that a Meddler in your life is working toward an apparently different life for you than the one you’re living, it may be time to negotiate a boundary that you both can live with.
• Plan a meeting. Set a formal appointment to talk with your Meddler about the role he or she is playing in your life. Agree together on a time and place where you can talk, preferably someplace neutral where you can both feel relaxed and free of your normal day-to-day responsibilities—like a restaurant or a walk in the park. By making this a planned conversation instead of a casual one, you’re more likely to bring the problem behavior into focus:
“I appreciate all your efforts to look out for me over the years. I have a problem that I would like to discuss with you. Could we make a lunch appointment to discuss the role you play in my life? I have some ideas that I think will make it less stressful and more productive for both of us. I’d like you to bring your ideas about this to our meeting too.”
• Be prepared. Know yourself. You have to know your own limitations going in or you’ll wind up with a boundary you can’t live with. Then there’s the problem of being so determined to get your Meddler to agree to your terms that you wind up alienating the Meddler. If you’re in a hurry to get the conversation over with, your anxiousness works against you. And this isn’t a “have to” situation either. If it doesn’t work out, you still have power. If the Meddler continues to interfere in your life, you can always walk away. Knowing that you aren’t trapped, that you have a tenable fallback position, gives you some breathing room to hang in there and work your way through the process, even when the going gets tough.
Examine the problem, and determine what your issues are. Is it about time? Does the Meddler spend too much time around you and your family? Is the problem unsolicited advice? Do you feel you’re being treated like a child? Does the Meddler actually interfere in your life, doing things expressly against your will? In any case, to make your case, you’ll need to know what the specific issue is for you. What is your interest? How do you want it to be if it changes from the way it is? Clarify this in your mind so that when you communicate, you communicate clearly.
You also want to know something about your Meddler’s needs and interests. If your Meddler doesn’t want you to get hurt, that is valuable information. If the Meddler thinks there’s some way you should improve, understanding why this matters to the Meddler gives you valuable information. If the message your being given is that you’d be happier if only you did what your Meddler says, that’s valuable information. And the more you know, the more you can do. Information is power, and as in any negotiation, it makes the difference in how well it turns out for you.
• Behave wisely. On the day of your conversation, be pleasant throughout. If you’re feeling frustrated and stuck, take a break to regroup, then come back fresh and start again. Keep your conversation focused on specific behaviors (see Chapter 7) and interests, instead of talking about your Meddler. Be looking and listening for a solution that gives your Meddler something to feel good about when he or she gives you what you want.
If you can identify your Meddler’s motivation and then show how helping you get what you want will help your Meddler to get what he or she wants, you will have closed the deal and redefined the boundary in your relationship. Here are some pointers to bear in mind.
1. Open with a positive. Though it’s only an opening phrase, it serves the purpose of placing a positive framework around a potentially difficult conversation: “I know you care about us, and that you really mean well when you ...,” Project positive intent. “I appreciate that ...”
“... you care about my relationship.”
“... you want me to be happy.”
“... you care about my personal hygiene.”
“... you care about how I look.”
“... you care about how I dress.”
“... you want us to have a nice wedding and get the right gifts.”
2. Describe the problem. This is where you state your position. If the Meddler is demanding too much of your time, be honest about it. If your Meddler is doing things against your wishes, like spoiling your children or talking to significant people in your life without your permission, be honest about it. Always preface your honest statement with the words, “I know you mean well when you ...” or “I know you’re trying to be helpful when you...”
3. Talk about the effects. This is where you tell your Meddler the part that’s hardest on you, and therefore it’s the hardest part of the process. Do it in a pleasant manner, but do it well because everything depends on giving your Meddler an accurate understanding of your problem with the meddling behavior. Make sure your description includes yourself, so that your Meddler is hearing about the effect on you rather than your opinion of the Meddler:
“I felt so angry and frustrated, I could barely talk to you. It really bothered me that you went ahead and did something that I asked you not to do. The result is that I feel afraid to trust you, and I’m anxious about having you spend time with the kids. And I feel awful about that, so it’s getting worse for me, not better. Though your intentions are good, it’s your actions I’m having trouble with.”
“I feel put down, and I feel ashamed, hopeless, and discouraged. And I want to protect myself from feeling that way so I ignore you. It doesn’t have to be that way. This is something I can’t change right now. I’m not married, I am fat, and I’m working on these things.”
You can also talk about what might happen if the behavior continues. Many people are motivated to change out of fear of negative consequences. This may prove to be the missing piece in your Meddler’s understanding of the situation.
4. Let the Meddler reply. This is where you listen to your Meddler’s position. Let your Meddler explain, defend, and justify as much as he or she wants. Look and sound like you completely understand, while listening for possible interests that could give you some options. When you give your Meddler the chance to account for the meddling behavior, you may be surprised to learn that the underlying reasons for your Meddler’s behavior were actually better than the ones you had thought.
5. Describe a desired boundary. If you’ve been listening well, chances are you’ve now thought of a way to have it work for both of you. But even if you draw a blank on options, you have to tell your Meddler what it is that you want. If you ask for more than you expect to get, you have room to back down a bit and let your Meddler feel that something has been won. If you like, you can ask your Meddler for a solution before you offer yours. But you must get some option on the table in order to draw the line somewhere.
Say what you would like to experience around the issue. What works for you? What doesn’t work for you? Are there subjects where you would welcome the Meddler’s interest? Indicate what those subjects are. Is there another way your Meddler could show interest? Indicate what it is. Be as specific as possible, and communicate in a calm, responsible way so that you are setting a good example of how you want your Meddler to respond.
“You can help me, and here’s how it would work. If you see clothing that would work for me, I would be interested in hearing about where to find it. If you know someone who you think would be a good partner for me, I would be willing to consider that person, but only if you tell me and not him. Showing an interest in my life is not off limits to you. But this is the way in which you can be successful with your interest in helping me with my life.”
6. Establish a signal. Once you’ve agreed upon a new boundary in the relationship, it would be nice if you could walk away from the conversation knowing that it was firmly in place. But that isn’t likely. The Meddler’s behavior was automatic and unconscious, at least in part. You can expect some backsliding. It helps both of you to have a signal system in place so if the behavior reoccurs, you can bring it to your Meddler’s attention without creating a conflict. The signal could be something small, like holding up your first finger and slowly moving it from side to side. Or if the problem happens on the phone, a word or phrase may be helpful. When you have a way to keep the boundary defined, your relationship can improve through time.
7. Reinforce the boundary. Catch your former Meddler in the act of doing it right and show appreciation for this. Make it your responsibility to pay attention in order to reinforce the behavior you want.
Great Moments in Difficult People History
The Life and Loves of Sally Squirrel
Sally Squirrel sat on a branch shyly sharing some nuts with Red. She knew it was only a matter of time before her mother showed up. Sure enough, a leap, a scamper, and a jump later, and her mother was on the same branch with them, suspiciously checking them out.
“Hello, ma’am,” Red said politely.
“Hi, Mom,” said Sally.
Sally turned to Red and said, “I’ll see you later.” Red took the hint, but no sooner had he turned tail, hopped, bounced, and leaped away than Suzie began the interrogation.
“So, you’re still seeing that Red!” she said intensely. “What are your plans? Where is this relationship headed?”
This time, Sally was ready. She chuckled inside, and she reminded herself that just because her mother asked a question, it didn’t mean she had to answer it. Instead she said, “Thanks for wanting the best for me! I appreciate how you’re willing to use valuable nut-gathering time to check in with me.”
Suzie just twitched her tail and said, “That doesn’t answer my question.”
Sally had spent a lot of time mentally preparing for this. She spoke calmly and directly. “Mom, I really do appreciate that you want me to have a good relationship. But we have a problem here.”
“Really?” her mother said. “What is it?”
“I know you mean well, but when you follow me around and snoop on my relationship, it drives me nuts! I feel like running away from you. Sometimes, I even consider doing something nutty just to spite you, like seeing a squirrel that really is no good for me. You don’t want that, do you?”
“Of course not! But ...”
Sally was determined not to let her mother control this conversation. “No buts, Mom. I have found that by getting to know different squirrels, I am able to better define what I’m looking for in a relationship. This is my business, not yours. If I tell you about any of my relationships, it will be when I’m ready to do so. Now, if you like, there is a role for you to play. If you want to tell me about squirrels that you think I might find interesting, I’ll consider them. But I don’t need a matchmaker, and if you insist on trying to be one—by setting up meetings with them or prying into my affairs—I will ignore you and scamper off the other way. Do you understand?”
Suzie was taken aback. “But I’m simply looking out for what is best for you,” she replied defensively.
“I know you are, and I appreciate your intentions. I’m telling you how you can do that successfully. You may not hunt me down and intrude when I’m with someone. But you may ask questions privately. I may choose not to answer them. If you think there’s someone I ought to meet, you can tell me. But whether I choose to act upon your suggestion is entirely up to me. All right?”
Suzie looked at the branch beneath her, then said, “You know, I was young once. And my mother did the same thing to me. I can’ t believe I am doing it to you. I used to hate it.”
“Then you agree to these conditions for your involvement in my love life?”
“Agreed. I promise to do my best to change. But it’s so automatic—what if I forget?”
Sally smiled, “Then let’s have a signal. If I swish my tail from side to side, real fast like this,” and Sally demonstrated, “that means you are crossing the line. Okay?”
“Okay,” her mother agreed.
Then Sally said, “There is one area where I really would like your advice.”
“Oh, Sally, nothing would make me happier. What is it?” Suzie asked, excited about an opportunity to help her daughter.
“How do you get at those seeds in the bird feeder? I’ve seen you do it, and you’re quite good at it!”
“Yes, I am. Come on. It’s not hard. I’ll show you.”
And with, a leap, a scamper, and a bounce, Suzie and Sally were happily on their way.
The moral of this story is that when you’re feeling nuts and seeing Red, take the leap and build a boundary.
Quick Summary
When Someone Becomes a Meddler
Your Goal: To Preserve and Protect the Boundary
ACTION PLAN
1. Appreciate their intentions.
2. Give them a place to meddle.
3. Meddle with the meddling.
4. Negotiate the boundary. Plan a meeting, be prepared, and behave wisely.
a. Open with a positive.
b. Describe the problem.
c. Talk about the effects.
d. Let the Meddler reply.
e. Describe a desired boundary.
f. Establish a signal.
g. Reinforce the boundary.