Chapter 13

Tony was a “fun-lovin’ kinda’ guy.” He laughed at his own jokes even if no one else did. Wherever there was a party, Tony found it, whether he was invited or not. And whenever someone received an award, there was Tony, claiming it was because of his ideas or suggestions.

To hear Tony tell it, he was the man with a plan, the one in the know, and all you had to do was ask. But in fact Tony didn’t wait until he was asked. Instead, he volunteered and interfered, and he drove everyone around him insane, particularly Sally. For her, his overbearing manner was unbearable. She despised his lies, and she rejected his foolish opinions. Time and again, she tried to confront him with his generalizations, distortions, and deletions. Unfortunately, Tony’s defenses would go up, he’d dig in his heels, and he’d argue for all he was worth. And the most frustrating part was that others who didn’t know better would believe him. After each confrontation, Sally would think to herself, “What is his problem? Why does he have to act like that?”

Like other people who become Think-They-Know-It-Alls, Tony’s abrasive behavior results from his desire to get appreciation. When he feels slighted in any way, he is likely to up the stakes and try harder than ever to attract some attention in his direction. Think-They-Know-It-Alls are assertive in their behavior, pushing their way into conversations where they may not be wanted. They have a strong people focus because people are the source of the attention and appreciation they crave.

Think-They-Know-It-Alls do have at least one unique ability: they know how to learn just enough about a subject to sound conversant in it. They also have a particularly bad habit. They are addicted to exaggeration as an attention-getting device. Though you would think they’d know that’s exactly how it sounds, they certainly don’t think of themselves as liars. They believe what they say, even if they’re hearing it for the first time. The more defensive they get, the more they have to repeat themselves. Each time they hear the words that left their mouths come back in through both their ears, they think other people are agreeing with them. In this way, they are able to rapidly build up a consensus of opinion, even though it exists only in their own minds.

At first this misinformation can be fun to listen to and even funny. In times of crisis or change, it becomes annoying at best and dangerous at its worst. After a while, people quit listening. In desperation, Think-They-Know-It-Alls may try even harder to get attention, and this leads to greater isolation and disapproval. Pretty soon, Think-They-Know-It-Alls get nothing from everyone: no attention, no respect, and no encouragement. In fact, people will actually begin to say, “Don’t encourage them!” The end result is that even their best efforts and good ideas tend to get dismissed or overlooked. Unfortunately, this causes them to need attention even more, so the Think-They-Know-It-All behavior increases.

If you have a low tolerance for people who exaggerate to the point of lying or who traffic in misinformation, there’s probably nothing you’d like better than to burst their bubble. But be warned: when you challenge or confront them aggressively, their only way out is to counterattack with grander claims and louder persuasions. Their conviction can sway other people who don’t know any better. This in turn can lead to disastrous consequences as Think-They-Know-It-Alls lead people down illusory paths.

Don’t be too quick to judge, thinking that you’re above this kind of behavior. Haven’t you ever defended an idea that you hadn’t thought through and didn’t necessarily believe in? Maybe you read something somewhere, believed it was true, presented it as if you knew something about it, and found yourself faced with someone more knowledgeable than you, and you just wanted to save face? Have you ever found yourself justifying something you said, that you wish you hadn’t said at all, or have you ever exaggerated about something just a little? Whenever you acted like you knew what you were talking about but you were actually uncertain or didn’t have a clue, you too were being a Think-They-Know-It-All.

So, no matter how far they stretch the truth, don’t give in to the temptation to stretch it in the other direction. If you do, you will lose your credibility, and people will think the same things about you that you think about your Think-They-Know-It-All. You must restrain the urge to show Think-They-Know-It-Alls up and, instead, see their interruptions as minor annoyances, to be handled before you can move on. In fact, we recommend using a go-beyond attitude. Think, “A hundred years from now, what difference will they make?”

Losing face, appearing the fool, or being labeled a liar is an insecurity shared by many people. When you were growing up, chances are your parents compared you to other children, unfavorably on occasion. Or you may have had the humiliating experience of being picked last in the schoolyard for team play in a given year. We suggest you see the frightened and insecure children within Think-They-Know-It-Alls and have some compassion for these people who must struggle so hard for attention. Compassion is one of the attitudes that enhances your ability to deal with them effectively. Life is tough for Think-They-Know-It-Alls because they think they have to maintain a show, and they hide the insecurity they are always feeling. Compassion helps you to give them a face-saving way out instead of wanting to punish them with humiliation.

Another resource that you will need is patience. Sometimes Think-They-Know-It-Alls run off at the mouth, holding their audience in rapt attention, and you may have to wait for the right moment before moving things in a different direction. Timing can be important, and good timing requires patience.

Your goal is to catch them in their act and give their bad ideas the proverbial hook, just as bad acts were removed from the stage in Vaudeville days. Only in these cases, you’ll want to do so without putting Think-They-Know-It-Alls on the defensive.

Step 1. Give Them a Little Attention. There are two ways to give a minimum amount of attention to Think-They-Know-It-Alls:

• Backtrack to their comments with enthusiasm. Enthusiasm is to Think-They-Know-It-Alls what the spotlight is to entertainers. Backtracking the remarks of these problem people enthusiastically is a surefire signal that you’re paying attention to them, while at the same time putting them on the receiving end of their own foolishness.

• Acknowledge positive intent rather than wasting your time with their content. For example: You’re at a meeting, and a Think-They-Know-It-All starts making ridiculous suggestions and offering useless or regressive information. To acknowledge intent, you can say: “Thanks for wanting to contribute to this discussion.”

Notice that you don’t have to agree with the content of their communication. Instead, you acknowledge them for the positive intent that you project into their remarks. It is highly unlikely that a Think-They-Know-It-All is going to make an honest confession at this point: “Oh no, that’s not what I am trying to do at all. I am a loud-mouthed braggart who just likes attention.”

In fact, this positive projection may be enough to end the negative distraction because you are giving them exactly what they want: attention. With the intent satisfied, they may be able to drop back and let others have a moment in the limelight of the discussion.

Step 2. Clarify for Specifics. If you are certain that they don’t know what they are talking about and you do know what you’re talking about, then this ought to be easy for you. Ask them some revealing clarification questions for specifics. Since Think-They-Know-It-Alls speak in huge generalizations, you’ll want to question the use of universal words like everybody with “Who specifically?” and always with “When specifically?” and significant with “Significant in what way specifically?”

Warning: Be extremely careful with your nonverbals. Asking clarification questions of Think-They-Know-It-Alls can back them into a corner. They may not be able to provide specifics, if they never really had any to begin with. And cornered Think-They-Know-It-Alls can defend by becoming more defensive. So when you ask your questions, look innocent or curious, and resist the temptation to thoroughly embarrass them. Remember that humiliation never works as a long-term strategy.

Step 3. Tell It Like It Is. Now is a good time to redirect the conversation back to reality. You can tell it like it is from your point of view, and if you remember to use “I” language, you’ll be able to keep your remarks as nonthreatening as possible. Preface your facts with “The way I heard it,” “What I’ve read,” “I’ve seen,” and so on. To add irrefutable evidence to your spoken word, you can document your information and show it to them as you speak. Even Think-They-Know-It-Alls know that you can’t fight printed facts, and they won’t try. This is a great time to quote journals, articles, and the like.

Step 4. Give Them a Break. At this point Think-They-Know-It-Alls are at a moment of truth. It has become obvious that you know what you are talking about and they don’t. Resist the temptation to embarrass them. Instead, make them allies by giving them a way out and again minimizing the chance of putting them on the defensive. For example, if you just mentioned an article or showed them a supporting document, you can say, “But maybe you haven’t read that article yet?”

Another escape that you can utilize to great effect at this stage of the game is Junk O’Logic. Discovered in the 1950s, Junk O’Logic is an advertising principle that says you can give someone any two unrelated ideas and act like they’re related, and people on the receiving end of the combined message will make up a connection. Turn on the TV, open a magazine, and look at a billboard, and chances are you’ll be seeing an image that has nothing to do with the product. We suggest you take the Think-They-Know-It-All’s ideas, hook them together with your information, and then act like they are somehow related. This will confuse Think-They-Know-It-Alls and send them on a transderivational search for meaning from which they may never return, or it will at least keep them occupied long enough to get a meeting back on track.

Here is an example: “Thank you. I’m glad you brought that up! It really does a great job of highlighting ...,” then change the subject back to the facts. This can confuse the Think-They-Know-It-All just long enough to throw him or her off track, while allowing you to refocus the discussion and get it back on track.

Another way you can use Junk O’Logic to give Think-They-Know-It-Alls an out is to act as if their distortions have reminded you of the facts, and tell them you appreciate them for their efforts: “Thanks for bringing up that subject. You really jogged my memory of those articles.”

Think-They-Know-It-Alls wouldn’t think of denying any appreciation that comes their way. While they stop to appreciate the appreciation, you just keep going.

The key to all of this is the realization that Think-They-Know-It-Alls are not as attached to their ideas as Know-It-Alls. If you give them a way to go along with you, chances are they will jump on your bandwagon. This strategy has long-range ramifications too. If they constantly see that you know what you are talking about, they will be less inclined to challenge you with others present. In fact, they may try to become your pal because the next best thing to being a winner is to be seen with one. That’s where the next step comes in handy.

Step 5. Break the Cycle. The long-range action step here is first to recognize the negative cycle caused by a Think-They-Know-It-All’s behavior and then work to break the cycle. Once these people are perceived as foolish and distracting know-nothings, they will try harder and harder. Then even their best efforts and good ideas tend to get dismissed out of hand or overlooked as flukes, and they don’t get the attention they truly deserve. This could cause an unfortunate increase in the negative behavior.

The Almost Million Dollar Fiasco

Sally was excited about, and at the same time dreading, the upcoming meeting to decide on a new computer system for the company. She was excited because she had put extensive time into her research, and she was certain about the value of purchasing the Bartlett by Pear Computer. She was dreading the meeting because Tony was going to be there, and she knew he could foul things up if she wasn’t careful.

When the meeting finally happened, she began making her presentation, and things seemed to be going more smoothly than she could believe. But just as she got her hopes up, Tony butted in.

“Bartlett? We talkin’ fruits and vegetables here, or what!? Ha ha! Listen everybody, this decision is a no-brainer! Yer’ lookin’ at a bona fide computer expert. I’ve not only done undergraduate work in computers but also overgraduate work too. In fact I have had my own personal computer for, ah oh, about three years now. Yep, there is only one way to go, and that’s BMI! The whole world uses ’em, so that proves they must be great! There’s so many choices of software and all kinds of virus protection programs and that’s important if you are going to be on the interweb. And anyway, if you want to be able to store your input, you have to get a computer that is BMI computable and has lots of K, that is, if you want to play in the big leagues of business. It’s the only way to go. Everybody knows it.”

Sally centered herself. She had mentally rehearsed for this moment, and the moment had arrived.

“Tony,” she said, “thanks for wanting us to get the right system for our people. [Acknowledge positive intent] Playing in the big leagues of business is certainly the way to go!” [Backtrack with enthusiasm] Then she innocently asked, “Say, do you happen to recall how many “K” the BMI has?” [Backtrack, then clarify for specifics]

“Well it is, uh, special K.” When Tony tried passing it off like this, she simply asked another question.

“Are you aware of the networking and file transfer capabilities between Bartlett and BMI computers?” [Clarify for specifics] He didn’t have a good answer for that either. In fact, the answer was so garbled, no one knew quite what he had said as his voice trailed off.

Having reduced Tony’s roar to a squeak, Sally then fell back on documentation: “Well, in the latest issues of PearUser and Byte magazines, I found articles on how easy it is to transfer files with a Bartlett. And as I recall it [Use “I” language to minimize defensiveness], I read that there are over 200,000 viruses for BMIs, which is why there are so many virus programs. The Pear has only had 68 viruses in 30 years and none in the last 10. I read in another article [Documentation] that according to tests run by an independent research firm, it takes a computer illiterate one-tenth of the time to be up and working productively on a Bartlett than it takes on any other system. But maybe you haven’t had a chance to read those articles yet?” [Give him a break]

His answer was a resounding, “Well no, but I plan to. That Bartlett sounds like the way to go.”

“I agree with you,” smiled Sally.