The Martyr
Winter was in the air. Hibernation day was tomorrow. But tonight all Papa Bear could think about was his final meal of the season. As he sat in his big chair, his mouth watered at the enticing thought of his favorite food, fresh hot porridge.
Mama Bear brought her bowl to the table first, so her porridge would have a chance to cool off. Baby Bear was served next, so that by the time Mama Bear and Papa Bear were served and they started eating, his would be just right. Papa Bear liked his porridge piping hot, so his was served last.
As he took the first whiff of his porridge, Papa Bear was distracted by the antics of his bear cub, who was rocking back and forth in his chair with glee. He gently reprimanded Baby Bear. “Sit still or you’ll break the chair!” Then he turned to Mama Bear, “That chair is barely holding together. Grampa Bear doesn’t know how to make furniture! He should stick to gathering honey and leave the carpentry to the beavers.”
Mama Bear nodded knowingly. Then she remembered. “Speaking of your dad, he stopped by earlier. He wants you to come over to help with some last-minute projects.”
Papa Bear’s jaw dropped. “Help him with projects? ‘Honey-do’ time is over. Tomorrow is hibernation day!”
The phone rang then. Mama Bear pushed her chair back and reached behind her to answer it. Papa Bear and Baby Bear listened as she said, a little loudly, “Grampa Bear! Yes, yes! I gave him the message.”
Papa Bear mouthed, “Tell him I’m already hibernating!”
Mama Bear tried to smooth this over before it got out of paw. “Well, I’m sure there’s a very good reason, ... tomorrow is the beginning of hibernation and ...”
“He’s going to hibernate without stopping in to see his parents?” They could all hear Grampa Bear’s depressed voice coming through the phone’s earpiece. “All right. If he can’t spare a few moments to help me out or have a meal with us, tell him I understand. Me, I’m not ready to hibernate because I spent all that time making that nice chair for Baby Bear and those big beds for you and my boy. But if he’s too busy ...”
Papa Bear rolled his eyes, bared his teeth, and then, in an exasperated whisper to Mama Bear, said, “I didn’t ask him to make that furniture! Not to mention that my bed is too hard and yours is too soft.”
“Mine is just right!” Baby Bear laughed and jumped up and down in his chair with delight.
Papa Bear turned and whispered loudly, “That’s because I made it! Now quit jumping around. That chair your grampa made is falling apart!”
Mama Bear didn’t want to be in the middle of this, so she gestured to Papa Bear to come to the phone. “He’s your father,” she mouthed.
Papa Bear reluctantly rose from the table, knowing his hot fresh porridge would soon be cold stale mush. Feeling grumpy, he grasped the phone in his paw and said, “Hello, Dad. Listen, we’re just sitting down to eat ...”
“Hey there, big bear! “ said Grampa Bear, as if he hadn’t heard a word. “Ready for a nice winter’s hibernation in that new bed I made you? Must feel good to be able to hibernate in your own home. That’s why I worked so hard all those years doing tricks at the circus, traveling from town to town, living life on the road, so my cubs could have it better than I’ve had it. Now, if it isn’t too much to ask, why don’t you all come over here, right now? Your mama prepared a special meal for you—fresh fish.”
“Aw c’mon, Dad!” Papa Bear said. “You know I don’t like fish.”
Grampa Bear said, “It would kill your mother to hear you talk that way after she went to so much trouble. Here, your mother wants to talk to you.”
Grammy Bear’s voice was sweet as honey. “Hi, my favorite teddy bear. I went fishing all day today and caught some fresh salmon, and it’s all ready for you when you get here.”
Papa Bear groaned, “Aw, Ma ...”
“Don’t ‘Aw, Ma’ me! Last time I saw you, why, you were nothing but fur and bones. Not to mention that I spent the whole day fishing, even though I just had my fur done. But of course if you’re too important to spend a little time with us, or our food isn’t good enough for you, we’ll understand. Don’t feel obligated just because we won’t see you for months, and we haven’t seen Baby Bear all season. He probably doesn’t even know who we are at this point anyway!”
Papa Bear sighed, “Okay, Ma. We’ll be there shortly.” He hung up the phone and looked longingly at the porridge. “Grrrrr. I love porridge. And I hate fish. I was so looking forward to one last bowl of piping hot porridge before we go into hibernation!”
Mama Bear tried to reassure him. “Don’t worry, the porridge will still be here when we get back.”
Papa Bear whined, “Well, that’s easy for you to say. You like your porridge cold. But I like mine hot. It’s not the same when it’s reheated. And besides, I haven’t even fixed the lock on the door yet. I was planning on doing that after my porridge.”
“Oh, don’t be a worry bear,” Mama Bear replied. “The forest is safe. Besides, we’re bears! Nobody will come into our home uninvited!”
And with that the Three Bears left the house and lumbered down the path, with Papa Bear grumbling every step of the way.
Martyrs are needy givers, giving gifts whether you want them or not. Each one comes with an obligation.
Martyr behavior begins when the intention to get along combines with the intention to get appreciation.
When the intent to get appreciated is thwarted and the intent to get along is projected onto someone else, Martyrs try harder to matter in your life in order to feel loved and become needy givers. This can happen between people when there is competition for affection or Martyrs feel ignored or taken for granted. Then their good intentions grow in intensity and become a need for approval along with a need for attention.
Needing approval, Martyrs don’t ask for what they want, and needing attention, they fail to find out how to do so.
The Range of Difficulty: Mild to Muttering
There are a number of ways for Martyrs to distress and disturb other people. First, there’s the Mild Martyr approach. Mild Martyrs start with the obligation inherent to any family relationship and build on that as a base. They do what is asked of them, just as most people would. And then they do more, and without question. They also do what is not asked of them, and without asking questions. They observe a need and fill it, thinking, “I’m doing you a favor.” In this way they gain favor by their efforts and build the expectation of their help.
There’s also the Muttering Martyr approach. The pattern is the same, with one exception. Muttering Martyrs do everything obviously and begrudgingly, saying, “Yeah, sure, why not. It isn’t like I have anything else to do.” They complain out loud, yet they do as they are asked, and over time this builds up their sense of entitlement, of quid pro quo. The Muttering Martyrs say, “ I’m doing you a favor. You owe me.”
On occasion there is a Martyr Meltdown. Maybe it’s the result of using the other approaches for too long, or maybe it just occurs spontaneously, after the Martyr has had a particularly bad day. Or maybe the Martyr is dealt a reversal in the game of life, and it all seems so unfair. The Martyr screams “WHAT ABOUT ME?” and turns into a puddle of self-pity, which pulls hard on whatever obligation is available.
As people tire of the unsolicited help, bouts of self-pity, and guilt, the Martyr winds up doing more and getting less in return.
Martyrs harm their own self-interest in at least two specific ways. First, the unasked-for gifts and services go unappreciated, and others feel no pity for people who seem so capable of providing enough pity for themselves on their own. Second, the Martyrs’ gifts come to be taken for granted and again go unappreciated. People figure, “If they want to do it, let them!” This locks the Martyrs into a try-and-fail loop from which there is no exit. The harder Martyrs try, the more they fail. The more they fail, the harder they try. The more they give, the less they are appreciated. The less they are appreciated, the more they give. And no one gives back because the neediness and annoying behavior are both unattractive qualities in a person. The attempts by Martyrs to tap into obligation and to invoke guilt result in no one wanting to give them anything ever.
You’d Better Adjust Your Attitude
Martyrs will play on any vulnerability detected in you, so keep your shields up! Keep reminding yourself that the Martyrs’ need for significance is the drive behind the moaning and struggling, rather than someone else’s failure to appreciate them, as they claim. Keep some emotional distance on the inside, so you don’t get hooked into feeling guilty.
Your demeanor is important. The need for validation in Martyrs is so intense that you must feel some appreciation for them if you hope to gain their trust and influence their behavior. Approach them as if they deserve gratitude for something, and if you can’t think of anything for which to be grateful, then be grateful that their impact on your life has its limits. Appreciate them for all that they don’t do. Or appreciate them for all they “try” to do. Or appreciate them for all they “want” to do. One way or another, your demeanor must come across as genuinely considerate and appreciative. At the same time, you must empathize with how unappreciated they feel.
Here are some cautions to be aware of when dealing with Martyr behavior:
• Don’t call them “Martyrs.” Doing so is a guaranteed recipe for starting a conflict. Martyrs want your gratitude and empathy, not a label for their behavior.
• Don’t defend yourself. It serves no purpose since the problem is about Martyrs rather than you. If Martyrs are trying to hold you accountable for their feelings of insignificance, you need only thank them for being honest or for bringing their feelings to your attention, without engaging in a dialogue about what is and isn’t true regarding you. Any defense you might offer will sound like you are making excuses, so you might as well excuse yourself from this futile exercise.
• Don’t try to fix the problem. It doesn’t exist anywhere except in the mind of Martyrs, and any attempt you make to fix it simply affirms and strengthens their commitment to having the problem.
• Don’t let them carry the entire burden. If you see Martyrs taking on all kinds of things about which they can complain later, get engaged and insist that they should do only their fair share, and that if they take on more, they’ll have no one to blame but themselves. By letting them know this in the moment, you create something to refer back to when the Guilt Trip starts again.
Your Goal: Sever the Strings, Keep the Connection
Martyrs try hard to matter in your life, and they become needy givers. There’s always a string attached, and you’ll feel the pull as they invite you to feel the guilt. But this is an unhealthy and unhappy way to win approval or gain recognition. When dealing with the Martyrs, your goal is to sever the strings of guilt, while keeping the connection and the relationship positive.
Action Plan
Option 1. Look for a Chance to Give. By handling the Martyr’s need for significance preventively, you might be able to avoid the latest episode of “Poor me!” While it may or may not cancel an ongoing soap opera, it can give you welcome relief. And it very well might change the foundation of your relationship with the Martyr. Such things have happened before.
Danny told us:
It started about five years after I moved out on my own. My father used to call my sisters whenever Mother browbeat him. He’d say, “I can’t do anything right for her. Everything I do is wrong. She’s never happy no matter how hard I try. I don’t think we’re going to make it.” But when they asked him why he kept trying, his answer was always the same. He felt like he owed it to her.
It’s easy to understand why he felt that way because she was always at him about what she’d done for him. Why did she do all those things for him? I asked her, and she said it was because she owed it to him! And he was always after my sisters about what he had done for them. And why did he do those things for them? I asked him, and he said it was because he owed it to them! And my sisters were after me about what they had done for him! I asked them why they did all those things for him, and they said because they owed it to him!
One day it occurred to me that here are all these people that I care about, and they all do wonderful things for each other, and yet they don’t give each other any real appreciation because everyone feels so unappreciated. And so they’re all driven by guilt! So now I make it my work to give all of them the appreciation they deserve. And why do I make that my work? Because I love them, and it is my pleasure to appreciate them. And they do deserve a lot of appreciation! My appreciation may not mean that much to them, but at least this way they’re all getting some. And maybe someday they’ll follow my example. You never know! In the meantime, I get to enjoy all of them, and they seem to enjoy me too.
Let Martyrs know you don’t take them for granted, and they’ll be less likely to assume that you’ve forgotten them. You can do so in the following ways.
• Tell them what you love. When they do things or say things that you don’t appreciate, tell them that you appreciate their positive intentions. Then tell them what they could do that you would appreciate even more. By directing them to an area where they can know it matters, they learn how to play a role in your life that truly matters to you.
• Take their side. If you do something that crosses them and they blame something you said or did for their hurt feelings, there is no amount of explaining that will change the way they feel. But if you apologize or acknowledge their view of the situation, they may let go of their hurt and choose love.
Harry told us:
My mother, Sybil, learned from my wife’s sister that I had not told her about a significant event involving my daughter. Sybil was so furious that she stopped talking to me completely. Whenever I called, she would shout at the phone, “You don’t care about me!” and then hang up. If I came to her door, she would yell from the other side, “Go away. You don’t care about me!” This was difficult for me because I had withheld the information initially in order not to upset or worry her. But after the fact, it was having the opposite effect.
One day, I sent her a huge bouquet of flowers with a note that read, “I see your point. I was thoughtless. I love you. Please forgive me.” The result? She called me and thanked me for the wonderful flowers, and she told me that she loved me too.
• Speak to the child within. Like children going to extraordinary lengths to win approval, Martyrs often try harder than anyone to win your love and appreciation. When you see this behavior as childlike, you can speak to the child within. Using the same facial expressions and voice tones that you might use with children, give Martyrs the attention they desire. When a Martyr says a pathetic “Poor me,” you can lift the burden from the Martyr’s shoulders by saying, “Oh, you poor baby! You need a wittle woving wight now, don’t you?” Such a playfully loving communication may be just what is needed to soothe the Martyr’s soul. Several of the people we interviewed described this effect as a worthy one.
Option 2. Disrupt the Guilt Trip. The Martyr is visiting you. The phone rings, and as you excuse yourself and reach to answer it, the Martyr says, “That’s all right, take the call. Though I’m only here for a little while, don’t worry about me. I’m sure whoever it is has something more important to tell you than what I was talking about.” That’s your invitation to go on a Guilt Trip, a field trip into the fantasyland of If/Only, If/Then, Shoulda-Coulda-Wouda, and I Wish! The feeling of guilt is your ticket to ride. Board the bus and away you go. But you don’t have to get on the bus. When you understand the dynamic of guilt, you can avoid it.
• Strip it. When you understand the nature of guilt, you can strip away the veneer of obligation to see exactly how the Guilt Trip works.
So what is guilt? It is the emotion that you feel when you do something that violates your values. If you value family but your job keeps you away from them, you feel guilty. If you value loving kindness but yell at your child, you feel guilty. If you see someone suffering and do nothing to help and you value being of service, you feel guilty. Even if the action or inaction that violates your values is your best choice under the circumstances, you still feel guilty.
Guilt is not inherently a bad thing. People who don’t feel it at all tend to end up as criminals. When it doesn’t debilitate, it can motivate. Guilt helps us moderate bad behavior, it induces introspection, and it even contributes to the process of creative thinking. You can resolve guilt feelings by taking action or refraining from action. So the feeling of guilt has the power to make us consider our actions and change our behavior in order to restore our values to their rightful place in our lives.
How does guilt hook into your sense of obligation? When you feel in the wrong, you want to set things right! People who grew up with constant criticism or who got blamed for things they did not do may feel in the wrong even when they are not. These people may intentionally do something “bad” as an act of rebellion, and then they live with the fear of being found out. They are ready to go on the Guilt Trip. People brought up to believe that doing nothing is the worst thing they can do may feel guilty every time they try to relax. Such guilt feelings are the price for an E-Z Pass on the Guilt Trip Turnpike. All that remains is to punch your ticket, and they oblige you. They create a link between your sense of regret and obligation and your doing what they want. In effect, the Martyr says, “If you were more responsible, you would do as I want.” “If you were more caring, you would do as I want.” “If you were more appreciative of me, you would do as I want.” “If you were more effective, you would do as I want.” Or the Martyr might use the negative corollaries: “If you weren’t so irresponsible, you would do as I want.” “If you weren’t so unappreciative, you would do as I want.” And so on. Recognize the pattern for what it is, and you don’t have to internalize it at all.
• Flip it. When Martyrs directly say something intended to make you feel guilty, you can flip it around to make them feel guilty for saying it. Flipping the guilt requires you to notice it and turn it around. If Martyrs accuse you of not caring, tell them they aren’t caring about your caring. If they tell you that you don’t appreciate them, tell them they must not appreciate your appreciation. By refusing to accept their explanation of your behavior and by calling their behavior into question, you flip the guilt back where it belongs, and thus you free yourself of any obligation to do or not do what you do or don’t want to do.
| Martyr: | “You don’t appreciate all I’ve done for you.” |
| You: | “I do appreciate all you’ve done for me. But I don’t think you appreciate my appreciation!” |
| Martyr: | “That’s not true.” |
| You: | “Well, it isn’t true for me either.” |
| Martyr: | “If you really loved me, you would help me with this.” |
| You: | “If you really loved me, you would understand why I can’t.” |
| Martyr: | “But I do really love you!” |
| You: | “And I do really love you too.” |
• Snip it. Another way to take you on a Guilt Trip is to encourage you to do what you want to do, with the attached condition that you should feel bad about doing it while you do it! Martyrs attempt to attach the consequence of guilt to your determination to make your own choices. Why? Because guilt becomes obligation. By building the sense of obligation over time, they can invoke it at a future time to get what they want or to stop you from doing what they don’t want you to do. Obligation, even when it’s manufactured in this way, can be just the kind of access they need to keep you in check on the larger issues of the relationship. The best protection is to snip the connecting cord they’ve attached that ties your choice to guilt. First, snip the cord inside yourself. Then thank them for their support, as if support was what they had to offer. This disconnects their access and frees you to move on without any chains of obligation to bind you.
| Martyr: | “Go ahead. Don’t worry about me.” |
| You: | “Okay. That’s great. Thanks!” |
| Martyr: | “Here, let me get the check. I’ll find a way to cover it.” |
| You: | “All right, if you insist!” |
Sometimes Martyrs assign value to your choices, and they make a negative comparison to their own value in your life, in either caring or appreciating them:
“You care more about him than you do about me.”
“You care more about yourself than you do about me.”
“You think that is more important than I am.”
The best response is to snip the connection between doing what you want and the motives assigned to it by Martyrs. You can easily do this by telling them that caring or appreciation is the reason you’re doing what you’re doing. Give them credit for the value; then appreciate their understanding.
| Martyr: | “Go ahead. You obviously care more about that dog than you do about me.” |
| You: | “Actually, I’m taking care of the dog because I gave my word, just as you would if you were in my place. So thanks for your understanding.” |
| Martyr: | “Go on, if your husband and children are more important to you than your own mother.” |
| You: | “Actually, I am attending to my family’s needs, just as you attended to ours. So thanks for understanding because I know you can appreciate that.” |
| Martyr: | “You don’t have to come visit if you have more important things to do.” |
| You: | “You’re right. It would be wrong to spend the money to make the trip right now. I appreciate your looking out for us like this.” |
• Nip it in the bud. What is the hook that obligates you with the Martyr? What do you feel guilty about, and how does your Martyr use it? To stay off the trip, you have to free yourself of the guilt that isn’t yours and act on the guilt that is.
If someone gives you feedback in an honest and nonmalicious way and that feedback makes you feel bad about yourself, then there are no Martyrs involved and the Guilt Trip is your own. Identify the undermined value, do something to restore it, and the burden of guilt will evaporate. If you feel obligated because of something someone has done for you, balance the equation and be done with it. Take an inventory of what you’ve done in return for what the Martyr has done for you, and see how it looks on the balance sheet. If you owe the Martyr and haven’t paid the debt, come up with a plan and implement it. Or identify how you’re repaying the debt and give yourself credit for it by knowing what it is. Then, when the Martyr pulls on the obligation strings, they will be attached to nothing, and they will come off in the Martyr’s hands.
Option 3. Hit the Reset on Their Upset. Sometimes, people are upset because they keep upsetting themselves!
Emotional problems, irrational thoughts, and difficult behaviors are often the results of taking external events personally. The best thing you can do to improve other people’s sense of self-worth is to see and treat them as intrinsically valuable human beings.
• Respond to exaggerated badness. Have you ever had something bad happen to you, and you played it over and over in the privacy of your mind so you wouldn’t miss out on any aspect of the badness of it? While everyone does this at some point in life, Martyrs tend to make a habit of it. A glass of wine is spilled at an otherwise wonderful family gathering, and the Martyr says, “The whole evening is ruined.” If there isn’t enough food or some detail was inadequately planned, the Martyr says, “This evening is a disaster!” But was the whole evening ruined? Or was believing so what ruined it for the Martyr? Was the gathering a disaster, or was the Martyr’s response the disaster? When people exaggerate the badness, you can exaggerate their exaggeration and then ask for a counterexample.
| Martyr: | “Nothing could be worse!” |
| You: | “Nothing? You can’t think of a single thing that could be worse?” |
• Counter the frustration. Martyrs tend to express frustration with generalized self-pity, even though they are referring to specific external circumstances outside of their control. They say always, never, everybody, and nothing. If you have a specific counterexample (and there are probably plenty for you to draw on), here’s how to use it:
| Martyr: | “You never come over to visit.” |
| You: | “Never? What about when we stopped by last week? Doesn’t that count?” |
| Martyr: | “I know nobody cares about me.” |
| You: | “Then I wonder why we threw that birthday party for you last year?” |
• Upgrade to preferences. Life is change, and it cannot be controlled. Preferences work better than rigid demands in dealing with people and events in a healthy way. People with preferences have some control over their own thoughts and feelings. People with rigid demands of life try to control events and people, and when their demands are not met, they become miserable. They could find a way out of their misery if they upgraded their demands into preferences, so that instead of focusing on how something “should” work out, they could focus on how they prefer it to work out, based on how it is. While Martyrs may be unable to make this shift, you can offer an upgrade:
| Martyr: | “You should have been more thoughtful about my request.” |
| You: | “You would have preferred me to be more thoughtful about your request?” |
| Martyr: | “I would have done anything for you, if you had just asked.” |
| You: | “You would have preferred to do whatever I asked?” |
When this kind of pattern is repeated over and over, it may make an impression on the way Martyrs think about the woulda-coulda-shouldas.
Option 4. Say No to Unreasonable Requests. Saying a clear no is an important skill, particularly for people with a well-rehearsed get along approach to conflict avoidance. Saying no makes you into a more authentic person, and it lets people know how you actually feel about things. And when you agree to help or be helped, they’ll know it’s sincere and meaningful, not grudging or given with hidden, ill feeling.
Saying no does not make you selfish either, since in this case you wouldn’t be focused on your self-interest to the exclusion of others. When it comes to saying no, it isn’t what you say—it’s how you say it that makes the difference. Say it calmly and simply, like it’s the most normal thing to say in all the world. Repeat it if you have to. Keep it simple. If you encumber it with excuses, out of concern that Martyrs might get upset with you, your no will be easier to challenge and undermine. And if you become aggressive in saying no, Martyrs will get very upset and will remember only how they felt when you said it, rather than focusing on what you were actually talking about.
To add some power to your no, shake your head no at the same time. This makes it a congruent message, which carries more force than the mixed message of saying no while looking tenuous, uncertain, or confused. To make your no more palatable to Martyrs, you can preface it with a cushioning phrase, like “Thanks for asking, but no” or “I’m sorry but I have to say no” or “Unfortunately, the answer is no.” If you like, finish with another cushioning phrase like, “Thanks for asking” or “Thanks for thinking of me” or “Perhaps another time.”
If you’re uncomfortable with saying no, practice on empty elevators. At each floor, act as if you’re being asked to get off before it’s time and say, “No, not here” and “No, not now” and “No, it’s too soon.” Then, when it is time to get off, say, “Yes, here it is!” and feel how great it is to say yes only when the time is right.
Option 5. Give Them a Glimpse of Greatness. Sometimes you have to draw a bigger line and tell your problem people the truth about how their behavior is self-defeating and what you think would work better instead. The overview is the same for honesty as it is for any of the problem behaviors: plan it, write it, rehearse it, and pick your time and place. (See the section “Tell Your Truth” in Chapter 7, “Speak to Be Understood,” for more details.) Your goal in being honest is to give the Martyrs a glimpse of greatness.
State your positive intent.
Be specific about the problem behavior.
Show them how the behavior is self defeating.
Suggest new behaviors.
Reinforce behavioral change.
However, there are two aspects of honesty that are especially important when dealing with the Martyrs:
1. Project a positive intent. Tell them, “Thanks for ...”
“... taking care of things.”
“... putting all that work into it.”
“... making such a wonderful dinner.”
2. Be specific. Remember to use language like “I am sure you can appreciate” before showing them the self-defeating nature of their behavior.
Great Moments in Difficult People History
The Three Bears
It was one week before hibernation day when Papa Bear announced to Mama Bear and Little Bear (who wasn’t a baby anymore!) that they were going to visit Grampa and Grammy Bear. Mama Bear looked at Papa Bear curiously, and he answered the unspoken question, telling her, “I don’t want any last-minute calls ruining my prehibernation day porridge, like last year.”
Papa Bear entered the secret code into the new alarm system he installed, double-checked the locks, and off they went. A short while later they arrived at his parents’ den.
“Hi ya, Dad!” he called.
“Hello there, son! To what do we owe this pleasant surprise?”
“Well, I felt bad that last year’s hibernation goodbyes were rushed and last-minute. I thought we’d come earlier this year to see if you need help with any projects. At least we can have a nice visit and wish you a good winter’s rest.”
“Well, that’s darn nice of you,” said Grampa Bear.
Then Grammy Bear came out of the cave. After exchanging hugs with everyone, Mama Bear gave Grammy Bear a freshly collected jar of honey. “Here,” she said. “Just a little thank you present from all of us for all you do.”
“Isn’t that special!” said Grammy Bear, holding up the honey so her honey bear could see it.
Grampa Bear slapped Papa Bear on the back and said, “So what should we do, sonny boy? Build some more furniture?”
“Ah no, no!” Papa Bear replied quickly, adding, “I mean you already made us plenty of furniture, which we appreciate. But I think the time would be better spent if you played with your grandcub!”
So Grampa Bear showed Baby Bear some of his famous circus tricks. Meanwhile, Papa Bear decided to handle the dinner issue with his mom before it became a big deal. “Mom, can we talk about dinner?”
But before he could go further, Grammy Bear said, “Don’t tell me you’re not going to eat salmon. You never appreciate the good food I make for you.” Papa Bear growled, which stopped Grammy Bear short. Then Papa Bear softened and said, “I don’t think you appreciate just how much I appreciate you.”
Grammy Bear’s eyes widened. She was clearly confused by Papa Bear’s relaxed posture and caring tone. Papa Bear continued, “I love you, Mom. I know you go to a lot of trouble to get salmon. You also prepare it with such love, and everyone else loves it. So I don’t mind if you serve it. It’s just that I don’t care for salmon, no matter who makes it, and that’s why I’m not going to eat it. Still, I can enjoy everyone else enjoying your wonderful salmon, and I’ll enjoy all the other delicious dishes that you have on the side.”
After a moment’s pause, Papa Bear added, “However, there is one area where I would love the help of your culinary expertise.”
Grammy Bear was feeling the love. “Sure, my little cubby, what is it?”
“Well, I love porridge so much. And if you could figure out how to reheat it and still have it taste good, it would mean a lot to me.”
“Figure it out? That won’t be necessary. Tonight while everyone else eats salmon, you’re going to be eating a bowl of fresh, hot porridge, made the way your mama makes it.”
And with that, they gave each other a big bear hug.
The moral of this story is that a firm no, a big hug, and a jar of honey make for a happier hibernation.
Quick Summary
When Someone Becomes a Martyr
Your Goal: Sever the Strings, Keep the Connection
ACTION PLAN
1. Look for a chance to give.
2. Disrupt the guilt trip.
Strip it.
Flip it.
Snip it.
Nip it in the bud.
3. Hit the reset on their upset.
Respond to exaggerated badness.
Counter the frustration.
Upgrade to preferences.
4. Say no to unreasonable requests.
5. Give them a glimpse of greatness.