Chapter 15

During a staff meeting, Ms. Rooklyn, the district sales manager, asked for a volunteer to work with Jamie to coordinate the proposal to be made to Avex in two weeks. As she scanned the room for any takers, she saw Teri, who smiled awkwardly, looked around at the other staff, and volunteered for the job.

They made a lunch appointment to work out the details, but Teri called at the last minute to cancel.

“Listen,” Jamie said. “If it’s a problem, why don’t we just work this out on the phone?”

“That’s fine, if that’s what you’d like to do!” said Teri obligingly. Teri agreed to pulling together the information needed from the other departments and turning them into a document with graphics, while Jamie would prepare the presentation.

“Um, yes, well, I think I’ll be talking with someone about that today or tomorrow.”

On the day of the presentation, Jamie was psyched. She bought a new suit for the occasion, and it looked great. Ms. Rooklyn even stopped by her desk with the “old man” to wish her good luck and remind her how important it was to get Avex’s business. Jamie kept looking at her watch, and the time seemed to crawl by. Teri was supposed to meet her at one o’clock. That was in 10 minutes. She was surprised that Teri wasn’t there already. At 1:03, she began to wonder if maybe she was supposed to go by Teri’s office instead of the other way around.

When she got to Teri’s office, she found her hunched over the computer typing away. “Hi, Teri? What are you doing? We were supposed to meet five minutes ago. Don’t tell me there are some last-minute changes that need to be made?”

Teri looked up. “Oh, Jamie. Hi. I’m so sorry. I forgot the time. Uh, no last-minute changes. This is something that I am working on for Frank in shipping. He is short a person today and asked me if I could help him out. He needs this real soon. Can we wait a few minutes?”

“Frank in shipping!? A few minutes!? Teri, we need to get going or we are going to be late. Where is the proposal?”

Teri rotated her chair to face her desk that was covered with papers at least an inch deep, and she began to shuffle through stuff. “Oh, here is one, ah, and here is another.” One by one she pulled out papers, some of them quite mangled.

Jamie’s jaw dropped open as she looked at them. “Teri, this looks like rough draft stuff. It is not even in the same font. Where are the graphics?”

“Oh Jamie, I’m so sorry. I didn’t get a chance to do them, and Mary’s department is undergoing a reorganization, and you know how that can be. I didn’t have the heart to put the pressure on them.”

Jamie fell into Teri’s guest chair. Suddenly she felt sick. They were supposed to leave in five minutes or be late; they weren’t ready, and there was no way they would be. Teri was still saying something, but she couldn’t really hear it. All she could see were the faces of Ms. Rooklyn and the “old man.” She thought, “What am I going to do now?”

By agreeing to coordinate the proposal, Teri had made a promise she knew would be difficult to keep. Her desires to get along with the other staff, to please Ms. Rooklyn, and to be helpful overwhelmed any consideration of what the task would actually involve. Like other Yes People, Teri’s strong people focus was countered by a poor task focus, which meant she was extremely disorganized in her approach to most tasks. Yes People can easily overcommit themselves as they try to run their life based on the desires of other people. Sometimes they have no clear idea how to follow through on something they’ve agreed to do because they didn’t analyze the task before agreeing to do it. More often than not, they don’t think about the down-the-line consequences of saying one thing and doing another. All they know is that somebody wants something and they can’t just say no. Driven by the desire to fit in and get along with others, Yes People easily overcommit in order to please.

Because they are nice people, Yes People hope it all works out wonderfully. When it doesn’t work out, they honestly feel terrible about it. Yet they don’t feel responsible for not following through because there is always some set of circumstances beyond their control that has caused the trouble. Instead, they make excuses and offer explanations, and they hope that this will somehow make up for their failure to keep promises.

Sometimes, when you are visibly upset with them, they maintain a pleasant appearance on the outside while slowly simmering in silent hostility on the inside. Yes People don’t want to offend anyone, even people they are angry with. The get along part of them prevents them from telling you the unpleasant truth. Even if you succeed in extorting an apology from them and a promise to do better next time, that’s no guarantee that they have any intention of doing what they say.

When Yes People leave you holding the bag of empty promises, it’s easy to feel sabotaged and to want to confront them. Yet blaming Yes People and making them feel shame only perpetuates the behavior. In the moment of interaction and out of the desire to get along, they will say whatever they think will placate you, even if it means making more unrealistic commitments. If the confrontation angers them, they are unlikely to express their defensive thoughts aloud, resorting instead to passive-aggressive behaviors. The bottom line: You’ll never get people to keep promises by making them feel bad about breaking them.

You may have to reach deep into your heart to find that place that sincerely cares about others. People whose top priority is to get along somehow know when your interest is something other than relationship building. You’ll also need a lot of patience with Yes People. Recognize that Yes People are simply lacking skill in the area of organization, and they are too disorganized to recognize the deficiency or to do anything to correct it. Remind yourself that you can change the future by helping your Yes People develop their task skills. With patient and caring assistance, Yes People will prove in time to be the best teammates you could hope for.

Your goal with these problem people is to get commitments you can count on, by making it safe for them to be honest, teaching them task management strategies, and strengthening the relationship. As you will see, there is a similar objective for dealing with the Maybe People, who have trouble making decisions, avoid confrontations, shy away from conflicts, and let people down. The difference is that with Yes People, it’s fairly easy to get the appearance of a decision. The challenge is to get them to do what they say they will do. Yes People need to learn that, while nice is nice, reliable is twice as nice. Your goal with the Yes People is to get commitments you can count on.

Step 1. Make It Safe to Be Honest. Make the communication environment a safe one, so that the two of you can honestly examine whether promises being made for the future will be promises kept. Make the conversation comfortable enough that any anger or fear they may have can be discussed calmly, like two friends working out differences with care and consideration. With patience, this could be a one-time, long conversation, or you may require several meetings over an extended period of time. The key to safety is nonverbal blending and verbal reassurance:

Jamie called on Teri a week later. That’s how long it took her to get over the anger and frustration she had initially felt when the presentation was cancelled. Jamie believed that it was important to work this out with Teri. Since they were working on the same team, they would have to deal with each other in the future.

“Teri, is this a good time to talk?”

“Um, yes, as good a time as any, I suppose,” Teri replied shyly.

Jamie took her time, letting every word sink in. “Teri, I like you. You’re friendly, and caring, and I think we can work well together. Ever since the Avex presentation was canceled, I’ve felt that we need to talk or we’re both going to feel terribly uncomfortable around each other.”

This kind of people-focused communication revolves around feelings. By approaching Yes People as teammates or friends and speaking to the future of the relationship first, you can increase the comfort level and gently introduce the past into the conversation.

“I’m certain that you did intend to pull together the information for that presentation. [Acknowledge positive intent] And I know that some things unexpected got in the way of that for you. The difficult part for me was that I didn’t know what was going on until it was too late to help.

“If our relationship is going to be a dependable one, then I think we need to be honest and open with one another. I want you to know that you can be honest with me. Can I be honest with you?” [Make it safe to be honest] Jamie watched Teri closely, and she waited quietly for Teri’s response.

“Well, of course. I’m really sorry about last week, but it wasn’t my fault. I don’t think you understand.”

Jamie nodded in agreement. “You’re right. I don’t understand, and I would like to. I want to take a closer look at this situation with you and see if we can learn anything from it that will help us in the future.”

Realize that every moment you spend with a Yes Person in open conversation is an investment in the future. As the relationship becomes more comfortable, you will be able to find out your Yes Person’s true thoughts and feelings sooner. In this way, you can end the sabotage and disappointment, achieve your results, and find relief. Done well, this is a one-time, in-depth conversation about the quality of a promise. Done poorly, you’ll have an ongoing struggle. That’s why it’s important for you to slow down, plan plenty of time for this, and make it count.

Step 2. Talk Honestly. Yes People may be angry or resentful about something or believe in their excuses, whether justified in your opinion or not. Encourage them to talk it out with you. Hear them out, without contradicting, jumping to conclusions, or taking offense. Then backtrack and clarify. Make sure you acknowledge them for their honesty, and tell them how much you appreciate it.

“Teri, help me to understand what happened last week. What stopped you from having the information ready on time?”

“I really meant to do it. But I don’t think it should have been all my responsibility. There were plenty of other people at that meeting who could have lent a hand. It seems like I’m expected to do everything!”

Jamie nodded in understanding. “Gosh, that’s awful. There certainly were other people at that meeting who could have helped out. Did you feel that way when you volunteered? Did you ask anyone else for help?”

Teri looked past Jamie and out the window. “Well, not exactly. To begin with, I already had too much going on. And then there were all the unexpected things that came up. Mary’s department was undergoing a reorganization, and I didn’t have the heart to put the pressure on her. Then there was Frank, one person short and asking for help. How could I say no?”

Jamie suppressed the urge to confront Teri’s excuse making. Instead, she nodded again. “So you really didn’t have much free time to do the proposal at all, did you? Why didn’t you tell Ms. Rooklyn or me how busy you were?”

“Well, I didn’t want to disappoint you. You know how that is.”

“Teri, it sounds to me like nobody knew what you were going through except you! No wonder you were overwhelmed. Thanks for telling me what it was like. I really appreciate your being honest with me.”

Note that Jamie thanked Teri for being honest instead of rushing to express her own feelings about what Teri actually said. It is always important to acknowledge honest communication with Yes People so you can get more of it in the future.

Step 3. Help Them Learn to Plan. Once you’ve listened to your Yes Person’s point of view, it will be obvious to you why you can’t take “yes” as an answer. This is the time to create a learning opportunity. Since learning to plan comes from experience, this is an opportunity to change history with your Yes Person to create a positive experience of keeping a promise in the past:

“You know, Teri, one of the most important parts of being team members and even friends, for me at least, is knowing that my friends can count on me and that I can count on my friends. Just think how it would affect our ability to be friends and work together if something always got in the way of keeping our promises to each other. I want to ask you this: If we could go back three weeks in time to that original staff meeting, what would you do differently?”

Though the answers were obvious to Jamie, they definitely were not obvious to Teri. So Jamie helped Teri to see that she had options that she didn’t use. For example, she could have stated at the original meeting that she could be part of a team but couldn’t do it all, or she could have called Ms. Rooklyn as soon as she felt overwhelmed and asked for more help, or she could have not volunteered in the first place. If she didn’t have the heart to pressure the accounting department because of the reorganization, she could have asked Jamie to do so, rather than putting it off to a later time. There were plenty of options, as soon as the motivation to use them was clear. Reliability and asking for help are both acts of teamwork and friendship.

By using the past experience as a template, you can go back together and approach the task as if it’s in the future. What motivation was missing? What could have been done differently? How else could the situation have been handled? Help the Yes People focus in on the specific action steps and processes involved in accomplishing the task. Too quick to please, people whose top priority is to get along with others rarely take the time to do this, until someone shows them the importance of it. Make certain to deal with the excuses that they’ve made in the past about how the phone kept ringing off the hook, how people kept stopping by, how there was too much work in the way that prevented them from getting to it, and so on—all those signs and symptoms of a disorganized people person.

At this point you may be thinking, “Hey, I don’t want to have to do their work for them!” And you shouldn’t have to. Still, if you are already frustrated from dealing with unkept commitments, you might as well put the energy to good use that you’ve been investing in feelings of frustration. If you take the time up front to create comfort around honest communication, and then teach your Yes Person some simple task management skills, you won’t have to deal with Yes behavior down the line.

Step 4. Ensure Commitment. At the end of the discussion, thank the Yes Person for talking the problem out with you, and ask, “What will you do differently, the next time you’ve made a promise to me and you are unable to carry it out?” Once you’ve received your answer, you must follow through and ensure commitment.

Step 5. Strengthen the Relationship. Finally, with get along people in general, and especially those who have been difficult in the past, look at every interaction as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship. Acknowledge the times when your Yes People are honest with you about doubts and concerns, make an event out of every completed commitment, and be very careful how you deal with a broken promise.

There will still be times when your Yes Person doesn’t follow through on a promise. That’s because task and time management are skills learned through time and by doing. We recommend that you deal with broken promises carefully. When people make mistakes and you tell them they’ve done something wrong, they tend to become defensive. Instead, see mistakes and broken promises as opportunities to help them develop their skills further. Correcting people effectively is a powerful means to strengthening the relationship. Here’s how to do it:

This same strategy can be applied to strengthening a relationship when people have successfully done something they promised to do. Normally, when people keep their word, they hear a brief “thank you” and that’s the end of it. With Yes People, and with Maybe People, your “thank you” can increase the likelihood that promises will be kept in the future. Here’s the same strategy, only applied to a kept promise:

By building up your relationship with Yes or Maybe people, you will not only be strengthening your own network of reliable people but you will also have the pleasure of obtaining a lasting reward for yourself. That is, you’ll be making a meaningful difference in other people’s lives.

The Case of the Unrealistic Commitments

“I don’t know how I will ever get it all done,” Kristy said, shoulders slumped. “The Johnson report, the new recommendations.” Her spirits seemed to lift, though, as she asked, “So how’s Johnny? Did he lose the tooth yet?”

“Yes,” Becky replied. “Johnny did, and he looks really cute with that space between his teeth. But Kristy, if you have all that work to get done today, you shouldn’t be here with me having lunch. You had better get to it.”

“I know, I know,” Kristy said, as she scanned the room for familiar faces.

Harry saw her, smiled, and came over. “Hi ladies! Hey, Kristy, can you do me a big favor? I’ve fallen a little behind on gathering information for the quarterly report. Do you think you could look up the numbers and get ’em back to me by the end of the day?”

“Sure,” said Kristy, smiling broadly.

“Thanks. You’re a pal. See ya’ later.”

Becky’s mouth hung open. “Kristy, are you kidding!? Do you realize what you committed to just now?”

“What?”

“Well,” Becky said, “getting those figures together is not a simple matter of just looking them up. At best this is going to take you two hours! With what you just told me you already have going on today, there is no way you can finish by five!”

Kristy looked down. “Oh, I didn’t think of that.”

“Well, think of how Harry’s going to feel if it doesn’t get done—and then there’s all the people counting on him. Not to mention all the other people who are already expecting things from you!” [Show the future]

“Well, I guess I could work late.”

“What about your family?”

“Oh no. What have I done? What can I do?”

“Well, from now on, when people ask something of you, if you really want to make them happy, train yourself to say, ‘Give me a few minutes to check my schedule, and I’ll get back to you.’ [Help them learn] Then you can make realistic commitments. Everyone likes you, Kristy, and no one in this company wants you to feel overburdened.”

“What should I do about Harry?”

“Be honest with him. Good relationships are based on honesty. [Blend with the people focus] He will appreciate knowing now when there is still time to do something about it rather than at five when it is too late.”

“Okay, I guess I’ll talk to him.”

“Great. It is 12:49 now. You will be in Harry’s office telling him between 12:58 and 1:06, right?” [Ensure commitment]

Kristy laughed, then left. She was honest with Harry, who not only understood but even offered to help her with some of her work.

The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t

A real-live dramatization of a fictional incident.

Northpole: With sad eyes, Pinky the elf confided, “Everyone is so depressed! The promised equipment hasn’t arrived, and at the rate we’re going, we’ll be lucky to be ready for next Christmas, let alone this one.”

Rachel, the new human supervisor answered, “Has anyone talked to Santa?”

“Oh, sure,” Pinky replied. “He says what we want to hear, but nothing happens.”

Rachel caught Santa alone in his office. He was his normal jovial self. “Santa, it’s been two months since you swore to the elves that you would replace this equipment, and nothing’s happened. Now we’ve got two near injuries a week, and the quality of our work is going to the dogs. I can’t believe you didn’t keep your promise! Now,” Rachel angrily threw the stack of complaints on his desk, “we’ll have to suffer another week under these conditions!”

“Now, Rachel, I am going to, uh, replace that equipment. Really I am. It’s just that I’ve been busy, that’s all. You’ll just have to wait a little longer, but I’ll get around to it. Really. Can I get you a cup of tea?”

“Tea!? I don’t want tea. I want results!” Rachel stormed out of Santa’s office.

That night Rachel’s husband told her, “Honey, you can’t go in with your guns blazing like that. You probably scared him half to death. Why don’t you go in there and give him a chance to explain. Make it safe for him to be honest. Maybe there’s more going on than meets the eye?” Rachel could hear that her husband might be on to something. And she couldn’t help but notice how easy it was to talk to him because he was so calm and patient with her. Maybe that was just what this situation called for.

The following day, there was a knock at Santa’s door. “Ho ho ho! Come on in, it’s open!” said Santa, his back to the door, as he fiddled with pictures of children on his wall.

“Santa, I, we need to talk. I’m not going to yell this time, I promise. If I’m going to work for you, I want you to have confidence in me, and I want to have confidence in you. We need to have a heart-to-heart and clear the air. I want to listen. [Make it safe to be honest] So, if you have something to tell me, now’s the time. Santa, do you remember promising me that you would replace that broken-down equipment out there on the plant floor?”

“Yes, and as I’ve told you, I’m going to.”

“Santa, tell me the truth. What stopped you from replacing it already?”

“Well, uh, it’s on backorder?”

“With whom? When did you place the order?” [Clarify for specifics] Rachel asked with calm determination.

“Well, actually, I haven’t exactly placed the order yet. I’m waiting for some money to come in, any day now! And then we’ll take care of the problem. I promise.”

“So you’re telling me that the reason you haven’t replaced the equipment is that there’s not enough money?” [Backtrack]

Santa sighed, “Yes.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that when I first approached you about this two months ago?”

“Well, I didn’t want to trouble you with it. I didn’t think it was a good idea to worry you.”

“Santa, I appreciate that. Really I do. That was very considerate of you. [Acknowledge honesty] But working on that outdated equipment worries the elves. Even worse, when you promise something and don’t deliver, it demoralizes them. Now, let’s have the whole story.”

Santa poured out his tale of woe. The factory was in the red, and orders were down. New electronic toys had eaten up their market share. Product was being returned at a rate unequaled in the history of Santa’s workshop. It looked like it was only a matter of time before the whole business fell apart. And if it did, the kids wouldn’t have a real Christmas, not to mention what would happen to all those loyal elves. And the reindeer! They could be turned into sausage! Santa just didn’t have the heart to tell everybody they could be put out of work. Government unemployment compensation did not extend to mythical creatures. He cared so much, and he didn’t know what to do.

“Santa, thanks for leveling with me. I appreciate your honesty. [Strengthen the relationship by appreciating honesty] Even if it is a little late. But it’s not too late to do something about this situation. I need to know, starting right now, can I count on you to keep me informed about everything that’s going on in a timely fashion, from here on out?” [Ensure commitment]

“Rachel,” Santa sobbed, “I’m so sorry. Of course you can count on me. But what can we do to save this year’s Christmas?”

“First of all, you’re going to have to do what you should have done when these problems began. You’re going to march out of this office and out on to the floor, where you’re going to speak to the elves and tell them the truth. Ask each elf to make a commitment to action in quality improvement and innovation. In a dynamic organization, all workers offer their employer a minimum of 24 continuous improvement suggestions each year. What has the average elf been giving?”

“Ahh, I don’t know,” replied Santa as he stroked his beard.

“I’ll give you a hint. It’s a lot less. In order to change that, we have to destroy the bureaucracy around here and give everyone the authority and accountability to make changes. You need to empower everyone.”

Santa did just what Rachel said. He marched somberly out of office and onto the factory floor, and he gathered his loyal crew around him. As Santa talked from his heart, the elves and reindeer listened. They heard his sincerity and the depth of his caring. Working together now, they reorganized the workshop into powerful small elf-managed teams and quality circles. They brought in trainers who taught them the principles of Total Quality Management. In one year they had increased their quality by a factor of 10, won the Malcolm Baldrige award, and tripled their market share, and they had become so strong they succeeded in a hostile takeover of Nintendo.

The lesson was learned: When dealing with Yes People, do not take yes for an answer. Be friendly, make it safe for people to be honest, and find out what is really going on. The team that pulls together, sleighs together.