Chapter 10

Martin, born and raised in New York City, was in his late thirties. He had a cutting sense of humor and a good dose of street wisdom, which you could see in his clear blue eyes. He had just moved to the West Coast to take a managerial position with a construction company. At work, he was the new guy with no clue. Yes, Martin had heard a few of the stories about his new bosses, Joe Sherman and Larry Panzer, and he had found most of them to be slightly unbelievable. But on his second day at work, Martin suddenly felt like he was staring at the business end of a loaded cannon, as his new boss, in no uncertain terms, informed Martin that there was no room for goof-offs and slackers in his outfit. Eyes bulging, voice blustering, Joe Sherman warned Martin not to even think about wasting time on this job because there were plenty of people desperate for work, and there were some who would even pay for the chance to work for this company. Martin could feel the eyes of his coworkers taking in the scene, as the Tank blasted away at him. “Who does this guy think he is?” Martin thought to himself, trying to decide whether he was more amused or ticked off about these threats and intimidations.

It wasn’t that his new boss had anything personal against Martin. Rather, in classic Tank fashion, Sherman’s aggressive verbal attack was motivated by an intense drive to get things done. In his view, what had to happen wasn’t happening, so he was asserting his control through aggression and a single-minded focus. Martin just happened to be in the line of fire.

When you’re under attack by the Tank, you’ve been targeted as part of the problem. The aggressive behavior is meant to either shove you back on course or eliminate the obstacle that you represent. Since all is fair in love and war, virtually any situation can turn into a battlefield. Whether it’s the boss who needs to keep a project on track, an angry customer who needs help from a low-key customer service rep, or even a spouse who is trying to concentrate during interruptions in his or her home office, the Tank is focused on an end result and impatiently pushes ahead.

There is nothing subtle about the direct approach of the Tank. The attack can be a full, frontal assault, loud and forceful, or it can have the quiet intensity and surgical precision of a laser. And while the Tank can rip you apart personally, the irony is that it’s nothing personal. The attack is simply a means to an end result. And to the Tank, the end justifies the means.

Watch your emotions because they can be your greatest point of vulnerability. There are three typical emotional responses to an attacking Tank. They’re natural, and quite futile:

• In a burst of anger, you may be tempted to counterattack! If you are an assertive person, you’d still be well advised to avoid engaging in Patton-versus-Rommel, Tank-to-Tank warfare. While it is true that superior armament and ordnance could win you the battle, you could still lose the war because the Tank might choose to escalate by building an alliance against you.

• You might attempt to defend, explain, or justify your position. Unfortunately, the Tank has no interest in hearing your explanations because they change nothing. If anything, your defensive behavior is likely to further antagonize the Tank, who will engage in ever more offensive behavior in response. If you have ever had to listen to someone making excuses when you wanted results or you’ve had to listen to a customer service rep explain a problem instead of solving it, this should come as no surprise, as you know how infuriating this can be. So if the Tank says you’re a genetic mistake, it’s futile to offer your mother’s prenatal records.

• You could shut down and become a Nothing Person. In a wave of fear, you may want to withdraw from the battle, slink off and lick your wounds, or lose yourself in private thoughts of hateful vengeance. Yet you must avoid wimpy, weak, and fearful reactions at all costs. Fear is a sure-fire signal to the Tank that the attack is justified and you are somehow deserving of the pounding the Tank is giving you. Fear may even inspire the Tank to give no quarter and show no mercy.

Any attempt to attack, defend, or withdraw will work against you. Instead, you must restrain these reactive tendencies, find the courage to stand your ground, and then step forward in the face of this determined opposition. Assuming that you either have a Tank in your life at this time or you have dealt with one sometime in your past, here are a few suggestions on how you might adjust your attitude.

As you look at the Tank in your mind’s eye, try to imagine this character as a wind-up toy that needs to wind down. Or recall a time in your own past when you stood up to a bully. If you know people who know how to handle your Tank, imagine being those people and thinking or feeling whatever it is they feel or think that allows them to be more effective. Identify models of people who have the self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-control to deal calmly and professionally with pushy people. For example, imagine what it would feel like to be Clint Eastwood, saying, “Go ahead. Make my day.” Whichever of these methods you use, make it a mental habit to rehearse dealing with your Tank at least a few times, until you feel comfortable with the prospect of using it.

As the final part of your attitude adjustment, consider the part you may have played in the attack. Perhaps you went into too much detail, when a shorter explanation would have sufficed. Maybe your people-oriented conversation seemed off task to the Tank, even distracting and disruptive. You may want to put yourself in the Tank’s shoes and look at the situation through his or her eyes. This may give you the best clues for handling and preventing your Tank’s attacks once and for all.

Whenever you’re being verbally assaulted, attacked, and accused, your goal must be to command respect because Tanks simply don’t attack people they respect. Aggressive people require assertive responses. Your behavior must send a clear signal that you are strong and capable because anything less is an invitation for further attacks. However, you must send this signal without becoming a Tank yourself. When you stand accused, your character is being tested. The strength of character that you reveal will ultimately determine the Tanks’ perception of you and future behavior toward you.

Step 1. Hold Your Ground. The first step is to stay put and hold your ground, neither running away nor gearing for battle. Do not change your position, whether you happen to be standing, sitting, leaning, or making up your mind. You don’t have to go on the offensive or the defensive. Instead, silently look the Tank in the eyes, and shift your attention to your breathing. Breathe slowly and deeply. Intentional breathing is a terrific way to regain your self-control. And while you compose yourself, the Tank has the opportunity to fire off a round unimpeded.

When Martin found himself under attack, he restrained his impulse to counterattack. Instead, he held his ground. He looked into his boss’s eyes, kept breathing, and waited for the blasting to stop. When it did, Martin asked, “Is that everything?”

Apparently, that wasn’t all. The Tank loaded up another round a of abuse and fired it off. Martin held his temper in check, took a slow breath, and asked evenly, “Anything else?”

“Why, you ...” Sherman loaded up his last round and fired it off. He was now completely out of ammunition, having said every rotten thing he knew how to say. At that point, he just stood there silently glaring at Martin, as if waiting for an answer.

Martin calmly said, “Well, then, I’m going to get back to work now.” And he did. He turned around and calmly walked away.

What’s the nonverbal message in Martin’s communication? I am focused on my job, I am getting it done, and you are a distraction! Now, that isn’t something you can say directly to most Tanks on your second day at work, but you can show them because action speaks louder than words.

In some situations, drawing the line at Step 1, going no further than self-control, is the best possible course of action. For example, if you’re in the armed forces and your commanding officer is blasting away at you, maintaining your self-control can gain hisrespect. As Jim, a captain in the U.S. Navy told us, “Frankly, fellas, if the admiral tells me I am a genetic mistake, the only thing I can say is, ‘Yes, sir!’ We agree. In the military power structure, being all that he can be in this type of situation may mean nothing more than making eye contact and breathing through the attack.

The situation you find yourself in when the attack begins can help you determine the most appropriate response. If the Tank is your customer, then the customer is always right. If the Tank is your spouse, you must follow through. If the Tank is an unpredictable stranger, then take no chances, especially if you suspect the Tank is crazy—voting with your feet may be your best bet. If the Tank is your boss, well, do you plan to continue in this line of work? Are there other people present? Timing can be everything. Maybe you will address your boss’s attack later in private. Remember, discretion is the better part of valor. Holding your ground, in and of itself, is often enough to command the respect of some Tanks.

However, there may be times when you will want to cross the line, and take the next step in our strategy for dealing with an attacking Tank.

Step 2. Interrupt the Attack. The best way to interrupt people, whether they are yelling or not, is to evenly say their name over and over again until you have their full attention—first name, last name, title, whatever name you use for them in the normal course of your relationship.

In the case of attacking Tanks, it works best to say their name firmly, clearly, and repeatedly, until they stop attacking. Five or six repetitions should be enough to bring the most determined Tank to a halt. Although some Tanks may attempt to override your voice by raising the volume of theirs. Nevertheless, persevere, and continue to repeat their name until they come to a complete stop:

Once you’ve begun this course of action, backing off may be worse than never having done anything at all. There is no need to try overpowering the Tank. Your intent is to speak assertively, not aggressively, and to calmly persevere. Aggressive people actually like assertive people who stand up for themselves, as long as the assertiveness isn’t perceived as an attack.

Step 3. Quickly Backtrack Their Main Point. Once you have a Tank’s attention, backtrack the main accusation. Backtracking sets a good example of listening with respect, and it conveys that you have heard the Tank. This also saves the Tank from having to repeat anything, and it sets the stage for the next step. But be quick about it. In the words of Dragnet’s Sgt. Friday, “Just the facts.” Tanks are geared up for action, and they want these situations to be over with as badly as you do. Since Tanks are speaking and thinking at a rapid pace, you can blend by speeding things up.

“You know, I understand that there’s no room in this outfit for goofing off or wasting time!”

Step 4. Aim for the Bottom Line and Fire! The bottom line varies according to your situation, but it usually is about two sentences long. The attention span of a Tank is extremely short, so you have to cut to the chase as fast as you can. Preface your bottom line with your ownership of it, by saying, “From my point of view,” or “The way I see it.” This prevents your shot at the bottom line from restarting the war. What you say after that depends on your situation. For example:

The boss confronts you at the office, demanding to know, “Why isn’t that project finished yet? You’ve worked on it for two weeks, and you’re already a month behind!”

You reply: “Boss, I understand that you think the project ought to be finished already. [Blending by backtracking] From my point of view, the time I’m investing in it now will save time and money in the future.” [Bottom line]

“Mary, Mary, Mary. [Interrupt] I hear that you are having a problem with the way this is being done. [Backtrack] But I am not willing to discuss it, if this is how you are going to talk to me. [Bottom line] When you are ready to speak to me with respect, I will take all the time you want to discuss this.” [Redirecting to the future]

In customer service situations, you’ll want to clearly establish that you and the customer are actually on the same side:

“I understand that our service hasn’t satisfied you. [Backtracking] Your satisfaction is our goal. So that I may help you quickly, I’ll need some information, and you can help me to help you by answering a few questions.” [Bottom line]

Note that stating “So I may help you quickly” points out that you and the customer are on the same side. Then when you say “by answering a few questions,” you are offering the Tank some control over the interaction. Getting results is all that matters to Tank customers. By backtracking, you show you understand they want help, and by redirecting with intent, you show that you are on the same side. In this case, you can also redirect with a question: “Do you mind if I ask you some questions?”

Step 5. Peace with Honor. Never close the door in the Tank’s face. If you do, that action may be taken as a challenge and the Tank will crash through it. When you leave the door open, a Tank has room to back off. When the accusations of Tanks are untrue, their perceptions unrealistic, or their demands unfair, you must redirect to a peaceful solution by offering them the last word, but you decide where and when.

Begin with an assumption and speak with determination in your voice: “When I am through making my presentation” asserts the assumption that you will get through with your presentation. “When you are ready to talk to me with respect” assumes that they will be ready to speak to you with respect.

Now you assign the time and conditions for their last word. For example: “When I am through making my presentation, I will be more than happy to hear your feedback.” Or “When you are ready to speak to me with respect, I’ll be ready to discuss this matter.”

If you’re someone operating in a get along mode, being so blunt and assertive may look, sound, and feel as threatening to you as a nuclear war. But to Tanks, these behaviors amount to no more than a little give-and-take between people. It gives them a chance to see what you’re made of as they take their measure of your character and commitment. Assertive people like assertive people. But don’t expect to see them waving a white flag of surrender. More likely, they will fire off a parting shot and move on. You may not win every battle, but you can win more respect. In fact, don’t be surprised if your assertiveness wins them over as your ally in some future skirmish with another Tank!

All of the preceding suggestions assume that the Tank is wrong about you. But what if the Tank is right on target? What if you were wasting time, money, or energy on unfocused and inappropriate activities? If ever a Tank’s accusations about you are true, then a simple three-step strategy will suffice to solve your problem. The fastest way to end the shooting is to take these steps:

Step 3 is crucial. Many people have successfully done Steps 1 and 2, only to be frustrated by a continued attack. But consider this from a Tank’s point of view. If the Tank is concerned that the unfocused activity may happen again in the future, the attack may resume based on the fear of a repeat performance. Your assurance that the lesson is learned is essential to bringing the attack to a halt. But once you’ve given your assurance, then stop talking about it. Tanks don’t require and cannot tolerate sniveling and groveling. It takes courage to admit a mistake and to learn from it. So stand tall, soldier.

Sherman & Panzer, Inc.

It had been only one year since Martin first took the managerial job with Sherman & Panzer, Inc., and he had already been promoted to second in command. His rapid rise through the ranks could be attributed to two factors: Martin had exceptional people skills, and the company had an unusually high rate of attrition in the ranks of management. The latter could be attributed to the two owners of the company, who were firm believers in management by harassment, or the “seagull system” of management (if something went wrong, the owners would fly in, make a lot of noise, and dump all over everyone!).

In the brief time Martin had been with the company, he had received more than his share of abuse, though of a lesser intensity than in the beginning, but he had noticed there was still enough to go around, and then some. One day, Martin decided he’d had enough and that something had to change, or that he’d change the situation by leaving it. He resolved to cross the mental Maginot Line, defy the bunker mentality, and confront the owners.

He called a meeting with his bosses, Joe Sherman and Larry Panzer. He began by saying, “Productivity is my goal in this job. [Blending with what he believed to be their intent] But we’ve got a serious morale problem that’s affecting productivity.” By aiming his remarks at productivity, Martin got their attention.

Larry sneered, “Oh yeah, and what morale problem is that?”

To which Martin replied, “From my point of view, it’s you guys! You come on to job sites, fly off the handle without just cause at whoever crosses your path, and demoralize the crew. You hire me to manage these people, but then you curse at me in front of them and circumvent my authority. You fire people at random, and you don’t know what you are doing because you fire the good ones and keep the bad ones. It demoralizes the crews. I can’t get anybody to do quality work because of it. People are engaging in sabotage and theft to get even with you guys. Now, I know this is your company [Blending by acknowledging their point of view], and you can run it anyway you want. [Blending] You can fire me right now if you don’t like what I’m saying. [Blending with what they were then thinking] You want profits [Blending], but you’re not getting them.

[Here was the redirect.] “Now if you want to see what is really possible around here, I will show you. But you need to back off for a while. Give me two months. You don’t show up at job sites unless you are willing to be cordial. If you have a problem with anyone or anything, you come to me first and let me handle it. And when you come to me, you treat me with respect. If you call me up and start cursing, I will hang up on you. Or else I leave today. It’s your decision. What do you want to do?” [He gave them the choice, blending with their need for control.]

The two owners looked at each other for a moment, their faces showing shock and surprise, then stood up, waved Martin off, and said, “Okay, okay, two months!” They walked out of the room, and when they were just out of earshot, Joe said to Larry, “Whew, I didn’t know that S.O.B. had it in him.”

A few weeks later, Joe and Larry called Martin into a meeting and gestured for him to have a seat. He did so, and they stood there looking down at him for several seconds. Then they pulled up chairs of their own, and Joe said confidentially, “Martin, we didn’t tell you this when we hired you, but we were thinking about selling this business so we could move to Florida. Now we are thinking about staying in it if, well, how would you like to buy in, become a partner, and run New York when we go to Florida?”

What happened? More often than not, Tanks respect people who speak up for themselves. Martin had shown guts and determination. Joe and Larry knew they could rest easy in Florida if Martin was in charge of New York because he wouldn’t take any nonsense from anyone. And without skipping a beat, Martin happily took the deal.

The Gentle Confrontation

It was one of those days in the life of frequent flyers where anything that can go wrong does go wrong. Planes didn’t work, replacement parts that were to arrive in 10 minutes came hours later, and the planes had to take a number just to take off. Upon arrival, many of the passengers could not locate their luggage among the living. A long line formed at the lost-baggage counter—that place people love to hate.

One guy in the line kept muttering as he waited, with an occasional antagonistic comment to the weary passengers in front of and behind him. When it was finally his turn to go through the lost-luggage claim ticket ritual, he decided to make the woman at the baggage claim pay personally for the injustice being perpetrated on him by “her” airline.

Maybe she was trained in exceptional customer service, or maybe she was a natural. But considering the circumstances, she was incredible. She let him vent, she backtracked, she reassured, she even agreed! But no matter what she did or how many times she did it, he continued to treat her as if she had personally and purposely mislabeled his bags.

Finally, with incredible grace and patience, she set her pen down and looked him right in the eye. He glared back. Then after a long pause she calmly and sincerely said, “Sir, there are only two people standing at this counter who could possibly care about the future of your luggage.” She paused, to let that sink in. “And frankly, sir, one of them is rapidly losing interest.” Another long moment of silence followed, and confusion flickered across the once fiery face. Then, almost magically, the madness melted away from his countenance.

This suddenly mild mannered gentleman meekly apologized, “Look, uh, I don’t mean to cause any trouble here. Uh, I’m just very disappointed, and uh well, you understand. Heh-heh, I, uh, I’m sorry I lost my temper. What do I, what do we have to do to get the bags back?” And just like that, he became her ally instead of making her his enemy.

Let’s examine what happened here. When she said, “Sir, there are only two people standing at this counter who could possibly care about the future of your luggage,” she was blending with the Tank’s intent. She lets him know that she knows what is important to him and at the same time tells him that this is her intent too. The subtext of her entire communication is that they are potentially on the same side. Then when she says, “And frankly, sir, one of them is rapidly losing interest,” she aims at the bottom line, showing him that his behavior is defeating their common purpose. But what really made it work was the sincerity in her tone and in her facial expression. Had there been any sarcasm, it wouldn’t have worked. She was firm but not aggressive, and it snapped him out of it.

Even though it makes good business sense to remember that the customer is always right, sometimes you have to have the customer’s help if you’re going to be of any help to the customer. Realistically, her job was to gather information, help the customer, and then help the next customer as well. After trying other appropriate strategies, she opted for a gentle confrontation, by reflecting the Tank’s inappropriate behavior back in an appropriate way. Obviously, this lost-luggage lady had found a good internal strategy for letting go while going forward.