The day after Razz’s awesome brainwave and just two days before our first volleyball match we set out to recruit Theodore Bungalari. We’d been looking for him half of lunchtime. We finally tracked him down to an empty classroom on the top floor of the Senior Block.
He was sitting in a desk at the back corner near a window taking notes from his history textbook. Theodore always completed every assignment and every piece of school work to the minutest detail. And he did it in the neatest handwriting I’d ever seen. His exercise books were works of art. Teachers gushed over them. I kid you not. There was actual real-life gushing involved.
‘Hey, here’s the guy we want. The Pride of Goroka! Mud … ah … Theodore, my main man! Looking good, dude! How’re they hanging, Bunga?’
Razz slapped the the Mudman heartily on the shoulder. It was like he was whacking a block of concrete. Theodore stopped writing and looked around slowly at each of us. He wasn’t smiling. Suddenly this seemed like a very bad idea. But Razz wouldn’t be put off.
‘Muddy,’ he said, ‘it’s your lucky day, pal. Believe it or not, I am offering you the chance to join our very exclusive volleyball team! No, please, no need to thank me.’
Theodore stared back at Razz. I tried to remember if I’d ever seen him blink. Razz cleared his throat and ploughed on.
‘Please, contain your excitement for just a moment longer, TB, and let me explain. We want you, yes you, to be part of the mighty Fighting Fifths. As such, you will be joining an elite band of athletes – all these fine specimens you see here before you and … um … that guy.’
Razz was pointing out the window to where down in the yard Melvin Yip was facing up to an incoming fast bowler and waving his cricket bat around like a sword. We all waited to watch the delivery. It came. We all winced. Everyone except for Theodore Bungalari. Melvin Yip lay doubled over and clutching some now extremely tender parts of his body.
‘I guess that’s why they call him the Nutcase Ninja,’ Razz said. Everyone smiled. Everyone except for Theodore Bungalari.
‘Aaaaanyhoo,’ Razz said, ‘as I was saying, this is the chance of a lifetime, Muddy Buddy. You could have it all, man – sporting glory, multi-million dollar merchandising deals and really hot groupie chicks throwing themselves at you. Too good to be true? I think not!’
All the while Razz was speaking, Theodore hadn’t moved a muscle or changed his expression. I was tempted to poke him to see if he was real. I want you to know that I had no trouble at all resisting that particular temptation.
‘Aaah, Theodore,’ Scobie said, stepping forward and joining Razz, ‘I would just like to clarify a few things that my … learned friend … has said to avoid any possible misunderstanding and disappointment later on. I’m afraid that in his undoubted enthusiasm to have you on board he might have been guilty of some slight exaggeration.’
Theodore shifted his eyes slowly from Razz to Scobie.
‘Firstly, apart from Orazio here, none of us can really play volleyball. And I feel justified in saying that, because I am undoubtedly the worst in the team. You, however, if you were to join us, would most certainly be at least the second best. Secondly, there will be no sporting glory. None whatsoever. We will probably not win a game. Taking these two things into account, I think you can safely draw your own conclusions about both the “multi-million dollar merchandising deals” and the “really hot groupie chicks”. Theodore, the truth is, we need another player. We’d really like that player to be you.’
Razz leant down and whispered to Scobie behind his hand.
‘Nice going, Scobes. Way to totally ruin our chances. Oh, and here’s a little tip. You know those forms we’re filling out for career choices? You might like to put a big black line through sales assistant, public relations guy and motivational speaker.’
The next voice we heard was Theodore’s. It always made me think of thick rich syrup pouring slowly out of a can.
‘I will play in your volleyball team.’
Or in Theodore-speak, ‘Arrr weeeell plaaaaaaay in yar vorlleybuull tim.’
‘Yeah, well,’ Razz said, ‘can’t say I blame you. After the build-up the Scobster gave us you’d be cra … What? What did you say?’
‘I said I will play in your volleyball team.’
There were smiles all round. Well, at least from us.
‘That’s awesome, dude,’ Razz said, scratching his head. ‘But I gotta ask you, man. Why? I mean, why would you want to play for our team?’
Theodore Bungalari gave us all the once-over.
‘You fellows make me laugh,’ he said without a single atom of a smile anywhere within a light year of his face.