It was the scientific discovery that due to genetically modified food having greater volumes of nutrients, this meant the food started to develop the ability to think, breathe and talk on their own terms. The Genetically Modified Food Sapiens Act 1955, allowed food sapiens to be released from captivity and live, work and pay taxes alongside the homo sapiens community. While food sapiens hold above average intelligence and have been able to integrate into society, they have never worked out why there is a need to slap a lump of pineapple on top of a gammon steak.
Detective Inspector Willie Wortel, carrot, and head of the Food Related Crime team had seen many a disturbing scene in his time leading the specialised unit within the police force that focused on fighting crimes which occurred within the food sapiens community. Yet even with all of his experience, the latest news he was hearing had managed to shock him to his very core.
Alongside him when the revelations were being outlined was his trusted human colleague Dorothy Knox. And while Wortel was stunned by the news, Dorothy had streams of tears rolling down her face ruining the make-up she had taken so little time to apply that morning as she raced to work.
“I have to hear this again,” said Wortel, his orange face losing some of its colour. “You are accusing Snow White of prostitution and being a drug taker?”
Oranges and Lemons, the two food sapiens officers that assisted, in the loosest possible sense, the Food Related Crime team, stared back at their boss wondering why he was having trouble absorbing their news.
“Boss, the evidence is overwhelming,” implored Lemons. “She walks alone at night, finds a house, lets herself in and shacks up with seven men, in this case, seven dwarf cabbages. And the men know she offers tricks as well as being drugged up, we’ve told you.”
Dorothy Knox let out another howl of laughter, her third in as many minutes. “Sing the song again, sing the song again,” she screeched.
Oranges gave a pained expression to his partner Lemons. He too had no idea why this was proving so hard for his senior colleagues to understand.
“Well,” sighed Wortel. “Go on; give us the song about the druggy prostitute Snow White.”
Oranges and Lemons counted themselves in and, quite tunefully it must be said, launched into song.
“High Hoe, High Hoe,
High Hoe, High Hoe, off our face on meth we go!
With a shovel or a stick or a hashish kit!
High Hoe, High Hoe, High Hoe…”
Dorothy Knox roared once more and started banging her clenched hand on the table. “Stop it! Stop it! You’re killing me…” she screamed, tears cascading down her face quicker than white water rapids.
For his part, DI Wortel just stood in stunned silence, amazed that these two fruit officers had managed to get through training and now, for his misfortune, were part of his team. And yet, when all was said and done, he had started to grow a little fond of them. In fact, he had even gone as far as recommending them for Taser training, although apparently, as Chief Superintendent Archibald had told him, it was against regulations to recommend officers to be shot with Tasers.
Wortel decided that he neither had the strength nor the inclination to tell Oranges and Lemons that they had been taken for a ride, yet again, by other members of the police force who were ‘tipping them off with intelligence’. He turned to Dorothy who was slowly pulling herself together, while searching through her handbag for a dry tissue to replace the one which lay soaked on the side of her desk.
“Dotty, I’ve a meeting with the Chief at the Treasury offices, can you take these two misfruits through the pantomime version of Snow White. You know the version without the drug taking, the prostitution, the gangland hit on the wicked Queen.”
“Oh, the dull version then?”
**********
Wortel decided to take the stairs up to Chief Superintendent Archibald’s office. It had been a crazy few months to say the very least, what with the surprise announcement from the Government Minister for the Department of Agriculture, Farming and Rural Trade (DAFaRT) that turkeys had been allowed to vote for or against Christmas, the result of which was due imminently; throw into the mix that because old age pensioners had been drag racing on their mobility scooters around town the speed limit had been cut to below 15mph; and that was without mentioning the murderous bananadrama, as the press had been calling the whole sorry affair.
Mind you, Wortel was pleased with the way the bananadrama had been captured in Addicted to Death: A Food Related Crime Investigation – available to buy through Amazon at what he thought was the most reasonable of prices.