Sex begins in the head—both in the brain and in the mind. Erotic longing, that desire we feel for one another, triggers arousal. And let’s be honest: Desire is stronger early in the relationship than it is after familiarity sets in. If you can’t sustain it by frequent separations or reignite it by adding “taboo” elements such as discreet cheating or mutually sanctioned affairs, one-night stands, or poly-amorous liaisons, then you absolutely must heat things up through fantasy and by learning new techniques and trying new positions.
You need to keep that mind/brain-to-genital connection snapping like a hot wire in a rainstorm—at least a good part of the time. And here’s something that short-circuits the connection: Women will lose their arousal if they catch a glimpse of their ass dimples in the mirror while they’re having sex. A woman’s body image issues often hold her back. That just doesn’t happen to men. Men are never thinking, “Do my thighs look flabby in this position?”
You have to trust me on this: If a man is naked in your bed, then he isn’t repulsed by your body. He has a wonderful ability to focus on the parts he likes and let the rest ease into soft focus. And his erection, the sweat on his brow, and the look of lust in his eyes are sure indicators that he has found something he likes.
Women generally claim that they think about sex and fantasize less than men do. Partly, that’s a denial issue. Being less obviously connected to their genitals, and thus their arousal, women dismiss or negate sexual thoughts and fantasies. Some women just don’t recognize that they’re thinking about sex when they are!
You doubt me? Research scientists, including Barry Komisaruk, Carlos Beyer-Flores, and Beverly Whipple, authors of the recent and acclaimed The Science of Orgasm, have proved it in the lab. Women attached to electrodes measuring arousal and women participating in brain scan research often show signs of arousal while watching explicit erotic material—while they are claiming, “No, I’m not turned on.”
Old stereotypes die hard even in new generations. Are we passing this stuff down in the breast milk?
In days past, female fantasies had to be obsessively “romantic” to be acceptable. The danger there? The fantasy stopped before the sex really began and women had even more reason to equate lust with love. But Nancy Friday’s 1991 book on women’s fantasies, Women On Top, brought the female fantasy out of the closet. The women she interviewed fantasized about S/M, bondage, group sex, rape, and multiple partners. They were just as kinky as their men.
And here is a new trend: Women under forty have more girl-on-girl fantasies, with women under thirty reporting that as their number one fantasy on sites like Cherry-bomb and in magazine surveys.
According to a 2006 article in the Journal of Sex Research, Australian researchers studied 19,000 people and discovered that 76 percent of women who slept with another woman reached orgasm, compared to only 59 percent of women who slept with men. London’s Daily Mail reported this story under the headline: “Lesbians have more orgasms” And many studies put the number of orgasmic women sleeping with men somewhat lower than that.
Sexual fantasy builds anticipation
and puts you in touch with your
body’s unique sexual responses.
A rich fantasy life is fertile ground for sex. Here are some things you can do:
• Read, whether it’s erotic, mainstream, or X-rated.
• Watch films with erotic content.
• Keep a sex journal, recording random randy thoughts, comments on your sex life, and inspirational quotes. (You can do this on the computer, but there is something very sensually satisfying about buying a beautiful book and actually putting pen to paper.) Paste in photos of sexy men and snippets of erotic art.
• Experiment with fantasies, especially while masturbating. Nothing is taboo.
• Encourage him to trigger your fantasies through voice, text, and e-mail messages.
• Get to know your “favorite friend,” the fantasy that arouses you no matter what.
“Some women can think themselves off—an awesome accomplishment. They become so intensely aroused fantasizing sex that they orgasm, usually aided by flexing their PC muscles. When men do something like this, it is called premature ejaculation and it is not awesome.”
—Dr. Barry Komisaruk, The Science of Orgasm
Gina Ogden, Ph.D., author of the classic Women Who Love Sex, found that some women—call them lucky or “hypersexed”—can reach orgasm via extra genital stimulation alone, such as having their breasts sucked or their inner thighs kissed. Even fewer can “think off” or reach orgasm via fantasy alone.
At one time, Annie Sprinkle, author/sexpert/performance artist/goddess guide, taught workshops in “thinking off,” a skill most women will not master. However, translating her techniques to lovemaking will encourage a sexual mind-set and help women be more orgasmic with their partners.
1. Establish an erotic mood with candles, wine, sexy clothing, or music—whatever does it for you.
2. Create a lush, passionate fantasy—and make it graphic.
3. Take a dozen deep breaths, then a dozen shallow ones. Use your breath to create physical desire. (Also try adding the techniques for The Orgasm Loop discussed in Chapter 11.)
4. Flex your PC muscles in time with your panting.
If you don’t manage to reach orgasm through breathing and flexing, then just use your hand or vibrator to get there.
Women who put sex at or near the top of their “To Think” list are women who consistently reach orgasm. Every time you brush aside a sexy thought or an erotic fantasy, you are saying: I don’t have time for my own pleasure. And that’s a bad message to keep giving yourself. Indulge your sexy brain. Think, and you will come.
According to some studies, men think about sex as often as every eleven seconds—and the younger the man, the more often it is. Men are much more willing to acknowledge that the fleeting admiration of an attractive person is a sexual thought. Men think: I’d love to have those legs wrapped around my neck. Women think: What a nice tie he’s wearing.
Men do not censor their erotic thoughts. If they are smart, they don’t share most of them with their girlfriends or wives. They merely delight in them in private.
Women could learn a lot from men.
Fantasy is a nearly universal experience, a mental aphrodisiac with amazing powers. Sometimes it is a conscious process, sometimes not. But if you are not satisfied with your sex life and you aren’t using fantasy to create and sustain arousal, you are missing something.
He is most likely to fantasize:
• Something kinky—bondage, S/M, coming on your face, or even worse things he’s seen on the Internet, such as a hundred men coming on someone’s face
• Sex with your mother, sister, best friend, or Gwen Stefani
• Sex with your mother, sister, best friend, or Gwen Stefani—and you
• Sex acts disconnected from the rest of the body, such as a porn close-up shot of a blow job or anal sex
• Anal sex with you, like they do it in the porn movies where the guy just “slips it in”
And that means what? Only that he has an active fantasy life. And, yes, he might do some of those things if you’d let him—but probably not sex with your mother unless she is Goldie Hawn. Unless he has nothing but violent fantasies and can’t be aroused without them, then he’s “normal”—whatever that means.
TIP
—•—
If you need help fantasizing, consider viewing some erotic images. Doing so—and acknowledging your subsequent arousal—may be key in getting you pumped up for the big event.
And ladies: don’t think viewing erotic images only works for men. A 2006 study focused on arousal in male and female brains conducted at Washington University in St. Louis (U.S.) revealed a surprising find: Women registered erotic images in the brain more quickly than men. The men, however, acknowledged that the images aroused them, while most women denied they were aroused, or, in many cases, even claimed they did not recall the images. (Ladies, the brain activity says otherwise.)
Carol Pasahow, Ph.D., developed a program specifically for her clients who said they had no time for sex. Based on quickies and fantasy encounters, the program has been successful not only with her clients but also with couples I’ve interviewed who learned how to do it from her book, Sexy Encounters. By creating a fantasy and writing its script together, the couple starts thinking more, and more creatively, about sex.
Here’s how to have a fantasy encounter as a one-week adventure:
1. On the first night, talk about fantasy scenarios and select one that you both find arousing.
2. On days two through six, e-mail one another with ideas for the plot, and then take a little time each night before you go to bed to write your script together. Write erotic and descriptive dialogue, such as “The curve of your hips in the candlelight was like a sensuous sliver of the moon in the sky.” Don’t be afraid to go over the top.
3. Assemble props—like masks, costumes, sex toys—ahead of time. This is a great time to play with edible body paints.
4. Act out your script as if you were presenting an erotic play (such as a boss/assistant fantasy).
Keep in mind that your fantasy scenario is probably not one of the fantasies that gets you off in private. So, don’t try to force or coerce your partner into buying into your scenario. The key is choosing a fantasy that will arouse both of you.
Keep a few myths and misinformation about fantasy encounters in mind. Remember, these are not true!
• It’s always good to share your fantasies.
• Fantasizing during lovemaking means you are bored with your partner.
• Acting out a favorite fantasy will always be as hot as you dreamed it would be.
• Fantasizing about another partner is cheating.
• If you fantasize it, you want to do it, whether that’s rape, a homosexual encounter, group sex—whatever.
“So much of sex is in the head that we can ruin a good experience
by letting negative thoughts intrude before we’re fully aroused.
Try thinking, YES instead of NO, I WANT, not I’M NOT
IN THE MOOD–and your body will follow your mind.”
—Nan Wise, “The Love Coach”
