Religious prohibitions aside, some women don’t masturbate because they don’t feel right about taking erotic matters into their own hands. That attitude is all wrapped up in the concept of waiting for the Prince to make them come. In generations past, women often didn’t masturbate (except for the rare, furtive self-encounter) until their forties or fifties when, driven by either lack of a partner or one with erectile dysfunction and their subsequent racing hormones, they bought their first vibe. Now vibrators sell briskly to younger women as well as older ones.
Before starting this chapter, let’s get a few myths and misinformation out of the way.
The following is not true:
• You can get hooked on vibrators.
• You won’t be able to come any other way.
• If you masturbate, you won’t want sex with your partner.
• He will be intimidated by your vibrators, so hide them!
• Masturbation is cheating on your partner.
• At the very least, masturbating means you are not excited by your partner.
I believe every woman should have an orgasm a day. Every woman! Every day! Single, married, satisfied, or dissatisfied. And she should own a wardrobe of vibrators—“sex life accessories,” as we call them at Cherrybomb.
Why an orgasm a day? Because orgasm:
• Is a great stress-reliever. Like the progressive muscle relaxation technique, orgasm teaches stressed people to clench and release every muscle in their body.
• Relieves minor aches and pains, including headaches, by sending waves of endorphins—natural painkillers—throughout your body.
• Helps make you more comfortable with and knowledgeable about your body, which makes it more likely that you will orgasm with your partner.
• Relieves feelings of mild depression and boosts self-esteem (even if you come alone).
• Reduces the pressure on your partner to “give” you an orgasm during lovemaking.
• Makes you more, not less, interested in lovemaking if you have a partner.
• Keeps you in the game if you don’t have a partner.
• Sustains the sexual response system for women over fifty.
Work vibrators into your sexual
routine. They’re a playful way to
reach orgasm everyday, whether you
use them solo or with your partner.
Hot spots are those “magic button” places on your body. You have them. He has them. You know where most of your—and his—hot spots are, but you may not be hitting them (or connecting them with his) in the most effective way possible. If the hot spots connections are good during foreplay and intercourse, orgasm is more likely to happen and be more intense.
Explore your hot spots and discover how they react to varying stimuli during masturbation, and then take that knowledge into lovemaking.
Nearly all women know that their clitoris (or C-spot) is that little pink glans (or head) inside the hood at the top of the vagina where the labia (vaginal lips) come together. It is sometimes compared to the penis because of its shaft-like shape. For the majority of women, the clitoris and the surrounding tissue is the most sexually sensitive part of the body. The nerve endings of the clitoris actually run deeper into the genitals than you might guess—making this the hottest of hot spots.
The G-spot is that spongy mass of rough tissue located in the front wall of the vagina halfway between the pubic bone and the cervix and below the opening of the urethra. (Because you feel it through the vagina, the G-spot has been erroneously defined as being inside it.) It was named after the German physician Ernst Grafenberg, who “discovered” it in the 1940s, though this place was familiar territory to the Indian author of the Kama Sutra five thousand years earlier.
Can’t find it? Place your hand, palm down, at the entrance of your vagina. Insert two fingers and make the “come hither” gesture. Nothing? Try squatting. Some women find it easier to locate their G-spot in that position.
Nothing yet? Try using a vibrator, either a special G-spot vibe or an attachment to one you have. That is the simplest and best way to discover the G-spot.
“I used to think that masturbation wasn’t
sex because it only involved me. That’s a very
limited view of human sexuality–and it
doesn’t work for women.”
—Betty Dodson, the “Grandmother of Masturbation”
Near the G-spot is the AFE zone, a small, sensitive patch of textured, but not rough, skin at the top of the vagina closer to the cervix. Stroking the AFE zone makes almost any woman lubricate immediately. Explore the front wall of your vagina with one finger. When you feel moisture forming beneath your finger, you’ve hit the AFE zone.
AFE zone stands for anterior fornix erotic zone. A sexologist in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, rediscovered this area and named it in 1994. But, again, the Kama Sutra got there first.
We typically don’t think of the urethra as a sexy place. But the tiny area of tissue above the opening of the urethra (and right below the clitoris) is a separate pleasure point. Many women stimulate their U-spots during masturbation without being aware that they are doing so. Men typically discover it by accident while looking for the clitoris.
If you’ve ever thought, “That’s not the place, but wait a minute, it feels good,” he’s hit your U-spot with his finger or tongue. And it’s a good place for him to shift his attention between orgasms if your clitoris is too sensitive to the touch for a few moments. Try that after your first orgasm while masturbating.
Some women have very sensitive breasts, particularly the nipples. Other potential hot spots include the inner thighs, behind the knees, the hollow of the throat, and the back of the neck. After an orgasm, run your fingers along these places and others, and see what makes you shiver.
His hot spots are discussed in Chapter 4, along with directions for connecting the spots.
TIP
—•—
Play her hot spots like a musical instrument. While you are licking her C-spot, also stroke her G. Then move your tongue back and forth between C and U. Now stroke from the G to the AFE and back. Hot Spot Sequencing will drive her wild!
Why do we like to play with vibrators? They’re fun! It’s all about pleasure—and pleasure is a good thing, not only for selfish reasons. You’re undoubtedly a nicer person when you’re sexually satisfied. If you need an excuse, I just gave you a good one.
Most vibrators are designed to stimulate the clitoris and are used externally. Some go inside, like dildos. Standard models get the job done, and quickly if you like. This is the vibe to use when you just need that O and don’t have time for sensual or fantasy play. But you can also play as long as you want with them. Other models have more features.
If you are new to vibrators, here’s a breakdown, including brand names of some of the best toys.
Often called “the Cadillac of vibrators,” Hitachi is the largest selling vibrator worldwide. It’s also a large vibrator. Marketed as “a muscle massager,” it’s available in drugstores as well as sex toy shops. And, wow!, does it make those muscles vibrate.
The only sex toy endorsed by the legendary Dr. Ruth Westheimer, the Eroscillator resembles an electric toothbrush in size and shape. It oscillates rather than vibrates, so the motion is gentler against the clitoris, but still effective.
“Hey, don’t knock masturbation.
It’s sex with someone I love.”
—Alvy Singer (played by Woody Allen) in the classic film Annie Hall
Tiny but powerful, this one stows in a small handbag and gets the job done anywhere, anytime. You can change the texture of the vibe and the feeling of the vibrations by adding a jelly sleeve. Water Dancer is the waterproof version; it’s great for combining the morning shower with the morning orgasm.
The top-of-the-line finger vibe, Fukuoku is a great couple’s toy. Finger vibes wrap around your finger or fit over it and are perfect for clitoral stimulation during intercourse. Finger Fun is a slightly larger, waterproof version.
A strap-on vibrator, the Butterfly stimulates her clitoris during intercourse while giving him pleasurable sensations, too. The Sweetheart and many other vibes, some remote-controlled, work the same way.
Designed to hit the G-spot, this one and others like it are limited-use vibes. If G-spot orgasms are your thing, this is your toy. (You can also buy G-spot attachments for other vibes, including the Hitachi Magic Wand.)
(Exclamation point mine!) Ah, the Rabbit, with its multiple joys, is the choice when you have the time and inclination to indulge yourself. Insert the vibrating shaft so it hits your G-spot and let the ears of the rabbit riding the shaft tickle your clitoris, as a vibrating band of pearls around the base stimulates your vaginal opening. Some rabbits come without the pearls.
One of the many new contour vibes, the Laya Spot is both chic and ergonomically correct. Designed to fit the curves of a woman’s body, it is versatile and discreet.
This Rabbit talks! The early version comes with computer chips—“lovers” like the French man and the girl who say what you want to hear. The latest version has an MP3 download, and you can program it with anything. On the horizon: an alliance with Clone-a-Willy that will produce a Talking Head shaped just like your guy and speaking in his voice.
This is a slim wand that connects to your iPod and automatically vibrates to the rhythym and intensity of the music.
When couples masturbate together, they are usually in a playful, versus deeply passionate, mood. The drive to connect isn’t so deep at the moment. What you want is a little fun and relaxation. Sharing masturbation feels intimate yet nondemanding. Watching your partner masturbate while you do can also be a hot experience.
How can you make it even better? Don’t neglect the learning aspects of mutual masturbation. When will you have a better opportunity to figure out exactly how your partner comes?
If you are trying mutual masturbation for the first time, create a seduction scene exactly as you would do for “having sex.” Dim the lights or light some candles. Arrange piles of pillows both for comfort and in good positions for the other’s viewing pleasure. And don’t strip naked if you’re feeling a little shy. An open shirt worn alone or thigh-highs, heels, and a bustier are often sexier than nudity. Relax. Play some music. Flirt your way into it.
TIP
—•—
Add sex toys. This is a great opportunity to show him how you use your vibrator. Vary the types of vibes and the way you use them. And give him a toy too. He can wear a vibrating cock ring or hold a vibe against the back of his hand as he masturbates.
Mutual masturbation is intensely
erotic. Excitement builds for
both partners as they pleasure
their own bodies and get
turned on watching their
partner do the same.
