You don’t have to tell most guys it’s okay to masturbate. Unless they adhere to strict religious prohibitions, they aren’t conflicted about giving self-pleasure, as many women still are.
You can do anything “too much” if that one activity is so obsessive that it prevents you from living a well-rounded life. But the odds are far greater that a man will be working rather than masturbating “too much”. When he’s in a monogamous relationship where his libido runs hotter than hers, masturbation is a good thing. If she’s complaining that they don’t have sex often enough and he’s masturbating a lot, it might not be that he’s a compulsive masturbator, but that something’s wrong somewhere.
But what if he is masturbating in front of the computer screen while she sleeps alone in their bed: Is something wrong with the relationship? Not necessarily. Let’s not be so quick to judge.
“I am going to my room to masturbate before a light lunch if you would like to come and watch.”
—artist Salvador Dalí to a reporter who was interviewing him
We sex advisers are always telling women to masturbate so they will know how to reach orgasm. Men don’t have a lot to learn about reaching orgasm—friction equals orgasm. Most of the time men masturbate quickly (and sometimes furtively). Take your time at it, and your sexual performance will improve.
Techniques for males to prolong masturbation—and later, sex—include the following:
Continuously stimulate your penis to the point of impending ejaculation. Then, stop. Yes, this takes some determination, but you can do it. Once your arousal level has subsided somewhat, stimulate continuously again to the point of impending ejaculation. Again, stop. Repeat as often as possible. Once you’ve learned how to prolong arousal during masturbation, you can transfer the skill to lovemaking.
Most men masturbate in the same direct way, grasping the penis firmly and using a rapid up-and-down movement. That’s why it’s called “jerking off.” Vary the strokes and the route is less direct. You gain more control over your orgasm. Try mixing in some of these strokes:
• The Base Caress: Slowly caress the base of your penis, squeezing the shaft and massaging the base.
• The Slow Single Stroke: Take your penis in one hand and stroke slowly up and down the shaft with your thumb or fingers from the other hand. Vary the pressure.
• Circle Stroke: Circle the head of your penis with the flat of your hand.
• The Slow Two-Hand Stroke: Use both hands on the shaft to perform the up-and-down stroke in slow motion.
• The Cupped Hand: Put the flat of one hand over the head of your penis. Use the fingers of the other hand to stroke the shaft. Vary the pressure and speed.
• The Squeeze Stroke: At the end of an up-down stroke, lightly squeeze the head of your penis.
• The Open Hand Stroke: Lay your penis in the palm of your hand and close your fingertips lightly around it. Use a slow, light stroke while keeping the hand open, fingers loosely curled around the penis. This feels more like a caress than a stroke, and slows you down. It’s the male masturbation version of “take the time to smell the roses.”
A plain cock ring fits around the base of the penis and over the balls to sustain his erection. Made from leather or metal, it keeps the blood flow in the penis, restricting the blood flow out, and it can’t be worn for too long. Vibrating cock rings are generally made of softer material. They also fit around the base of the penis and over the balls, but not so tightly. The attached battery pack creates vibration that is exciting for him, and for her, too, if he wears it during intercourse.
Trojan now makes condoms with vibrating cock rings attached. Other manufacturers produce disposable vibrating cock rings. They don’t have the power of the bigger toys, but they are more than a novelty. Chic women now carry them in their handbags … just in case.
“We know that 80 percent of women masturbate and 90 percent of men do—and the rest lie.”
—Dr. Joycelyn Elders, U.S. Surgeon
General during the Clinton administration
who publicly endorsed masturbation
as a form of healthy sex
Like her, he has hot spots, those “magic button” places on his body. You know where most of them—both yours and hers—are. (Her hot spots are discussed in Chapter 3.) But you may discover a few surprises. Take your time masturbating and see how these places respond to different kinds of touch.
The head of the penis is the man’s big hot spot, just as the clitoris is hers. Who doesn’t know that? Because the head is such a hot deal, the corona, the thick ridge separating the head from the shaft, is often ignored. But it is exquisitely sensitive to touch. Run your finger repeatedly around it. Doesn’t that feel good? This is why the “silken swirl”—when she swirls her tongue around your corona during fellatio—feels so good.
That move, by the way, was a skill practiced by Italian courtesans in centuries past.
The frenulum is that loose section of skin on the underside of the penis, where the head meets the shaft. In most men it is highly sensitive to touch. Some men reach orgasm more quickly if a woman strums the frenulum during fellatio. If this area feels particularly sensitive to you, ask your lover to do that.
The raphe is the visible line along the center of the scrotum, an area of the male anatomy too often overlooked during lovemaking. The skin of the scrotum is very sensitive, similar to a woman’s labia. Gently run your fingertips along the raphe and see what that does for you.
The perineum is an area an inch or so in size between the anus and the base of the scrotum, and it is even more neglected than the raphe. Rich in nerve endings, the perineum is the second-most important hot spot for some men. Use your thumb or finger pad to stimulate it. Start gently and exert a little more pressure if you like it.
Yes, men have one, too. It’s located inside the body behind the perineum. (I sense some of you getting nervous.) You can reach the G-spot in two ways: by pressing the perineum with your thumb or finger or by inserting a finger inside your anus and making that same come-hither gesture you would use to find her G-spot.
Many men love G-spot stimulation. Some hate it. You’ll know where you stand by trying to find it first on your own.
Like women, you have your own individual hot spots, places of great sensitivity that lie outside the genitals. They include the ears, neck, inner thighs, temples, eyelids, nipples, and buttocks. After ejaculation, run your fingers along these places and note sensitivity. If you shiver, tell her where.
“Hot spots are personal pleasure triggers.
Pull them.”
—Dr. Ava Cadell, sexologist and author
You can make sex better by hitting each other’s hot spots during oral and manual stimulation and intercourse. Why not devote a lovemaking session to mutual hot spot exploration?
Here are some suggestions:
• During manual foreplay, he can stroke her AFE zone, then the G-spot, and back again. Use clockwise, followed by counterclockwise, strokes.
• Don’t overlook her U-spot during cunnilingus. Shift from the C-spot to the U-spot when she is close to orgasm. Tease her by going back and forth until she can’t take it anymore.
• Don’t feel badly that you can’t deep throat his penis without gagging. Concentrate your attention during fellatio on the H-spot and R-area, while not neglecting his P-zone. He won’t notice or care that you don’t take the entire shaft into your mouth.
Make whatever adjustments you need to make during intercourse to ensure that you hit hot spot connections between her clitoris, AFE, and G-spot and his H-spot, F-spot, and R-area.
Here are some suggestions (the last two may require a little practice):
• In the missionary position, put her feet on his shoulders or pull her knees up to her chest and place her feet flat against his chest. Or have him hold her legs with his forearms under the knees.
• In the female superior position, she should either lean back or forward, which is more effective at hitting the hot spots than riding straight up and down.
• When using the spoon position, she lies on her side with her back to him, bent slightly at the knees and waist. Also bent slightly at the knees and waist, he enters her from behind.
• Try the X Position, which is adapted from the Kama Sutra position called “Woman Acting the Part of Man.” Imagine that your bodies form an X, with the connection at the genitals. He sits at the edge of the bed with his back straight and one leg outstretched along the bed, the other outstretched toward the floor, or if he prefers, braced up on a straight-backed chair placed by the bed. She sits astride her partner with both legs braced on his shoulders.
• Try the Yabyum Position. See Chapter 13 for directions.
