1. A Hero’s Journey Begins With A Struggle 1
2. Avoiding The Monsters Makes Them Stronger 13
3. Training Your Mind To Be A Hero’s Mind 25
7. The Ultimate Weapon: The Sword Of Willingness 69
8. Setting Up Your Secret Lair With Self-Compassion 79
9. Taking Superhero Action Steps 89
Have you ever wanted to become a superhero? Have you ever wished that you could have amazing superpowers, such as superstrength, the ability to fly, or the ability to heal people? Or perhaps you wished that you could travel through time and space, enjoying the many adventures that you would encounter along the way?
Most people I meet wish that they could have special superpowers or magical abilities and most say that if they possessed them, they would use them to help others. One thing I have observed from the years I have spent working with patients with anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), chronic pain disorder, and many other physical and mental health struggles is that most people are capable of a lot more than they know. I have learned that in a time of need, people come to experience superpowers they never knew they had, finding courage, strength, and motivation they never believed to be possible.
The truth is that I too for many years wished that I could have magical abilities, specifically the ability to heal or save people. A traumatic experience I underwent in my early childhood left me feeling “weak,” “broken,” and not in control of my own destiny. When I was just a few months shy of my third birthday, there was a large nuclear explosion in a city called Chernobyl, not too far away from where my family and I were living in Ukraine. Unfortunately, many of us did not know about the extent of this disaster for nearly a week after the explosion occurred, so we continued eating local fruit and drinking tap water, all of which were poisoned.
The radiation spill was catastrophic and left many people, including myself, to experience lifelong consequences. For me, the effect was that my immune system shut down, most of my symptoms caused by weather changes. When it was hot outside, I was likely to get an extended nosebleed, landing me in the hospital. When the weather would get chilly, I would be home for weeks with bronchitis. When the barometric pressure would drop before rainfall, I was sure to get a migraine or, worse, a seizure.
As I lay in my hospital bed after yet another seizure, feeling weak and powerless, I dreamt of having strength. I dreamt of being healthy. I dreamt of being able to cure and inspire people who were going through a difficult time, the very ones who often thought about giving up. Like I did.
I was twelve when my family and I moved to the United States. I thought that things would get better if I was away from radiation. I was both right and wrong. While my health improved after our move, my overall situation did not. Most of my classmates at school did not understand what radiation was, nor did they know what seizures were. I was bullied a lot—a situation that may be familiar to you. It wasn’t uncommon for me to overhear my classmates telling each other that I was “radioactive.” Many people would refuse to use things I had touched, like pencils, mistakenly believing me to be contagious.
I felt alone. I felt like no one would understand how depressed I was and how much I hated myself.
It all changed when I saw the first movie about the “Super Mutants.” At the time I did not know who the Super Mutants were; while I read a lot of fantasy books, I had not yet got into comics. The movie became my portal into the world of superheroes, where people with super-abilities used these powers to help others. Most importantly, this was the first time I was able to find characters I connected with. The characters were mutants, all with some kind of genetic modification, just like me. My favorite of all of them was Thunder because she could control the weather, a power I wished I could also have since my own maladies were all weather related.
It was after seeing this film that I first became fascinated with the idea of using fictional characters, like superheroes, to help myself and others overcome difficult emotional experiences. As I began analyzing my favorite fictional characters, I noticed something—most of them underwent an excruciating personal experience, which shaped their personality and made them the very hero that they eventually became. Think about it: Most of the fictional characters you know probably experienced some kind of a deep personal struggle, such as losing their parents, somehow being different and feeling alienated from other people, or being forced into a heroic journey that they felt unprepared to be a part of. Some faced loss along the journey, underwent deep traumatic experiences, had doubts, and battled depression or addiction. Sound familiar?
When facing these kinds of struggles, many people (myself included)might view them as a sign of personal weakness and might be too discouraged to continue their heroic mission. But what if these struggles are not a sign of weakness? What if the very struggle you are going through is a representation of deep interpersonal strength that only you could experience? What if the very thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations that you have struggled with were merely obstacles to be overcome on your own superhero journey? And what if there was a way to help guide you on your superhero path?
Every hero has a mentor or a sidekick to help them along their journey, and I can be yours. Together we can learn how to battle the monsters of depression, slay the anxiety dragons, release the binding ropes of trauma, and avoid the snakes of addiction temptation. Superhero therapy uses methods from evidence-based (research-supported) therapies, such as acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), as well as other research-supported interventions, such as self-compassion. All are known to help people better manage their anxiety, depression, PTSD, and addiction (including overeating), as well as to improve healthy behaviors such as exercising, socializing with others, and gaining courage; in essence, they help people become the kind of hero that they always wanted to be.
Please take a few minutes to answer the following questions with a True or False response. You will also take the same survey when you are finished with your superhero training in order to measure your progress.
1. My symptoms overwhelm me T/F
2. I must get rid of my depression/anxiety/shame/anger T/F
3. I spend most of my time worrying about the future T/F
4. I spend a lot of my time fixating on the past T/F
5. My self-critical thoughts (such as “I’m not good enough” or “I’m not attractive enough”) have become my identity T/F
6. I don’t spend enough time doing things I care about T/F
7. I am unhappy with many aspects of my life T/F
How many T’s and how many F’s do you have? Write down the exact number. Notice any judgments or painful emotions that arise when you are answering these questions. Remember that, just like you, most people struggle with very similar difficulties. You are not alone in this.
We are going to take this journey together. I recommend that you read one chapter each week, either by yourself, with a friend, or with your therapist. Each chapter introduces a new superhero skill and gives you a chance to practice it. Some skills might be easier for you than others, and some skills you might find more useful than others. Feel free to modify your own superhero training program in any way that best supports your current needs. Many people find it helpful to get a notebook, perhaps one with a picture of your favorite real-life or fictional hero on it, in order to inspire you and help you keep track of your progress.
This book will demonstrate training for six different heroes: Shadow Gray, Katrina Quest, Doctor Apeiron Semper, Drovin, Neil Scott, and Monica Mercury. Although these characters are fictional, their struggles are real, as they are based on some of my patients in real life.
Monica Mercury holds a razor to her arm. Her depression monster whispers gently in her ear. “Just end it. Things will never get any better and you know it.”
Will this be the day that she ends it all? The thought has crossed Monica’s mind. After careful consideration she makes a precise incision. The trickling blood seems almost soothing, temporarily taking away the feelings of overwhelming depression and self-disgust. The self-disgust is always particularly active every time she looks in the mirror.
When she looks at her reflection again, the shame monster is especially ruthless. “Ugh, you’re disgusting! It’s no wonder everyone hates you. You’re fat and ugly and no one will ever love you!”
A few more strokes of the razor and the monster seems satisfied. Just to be fully sure that he doesn’t come back that day, Monica sticks her fingers in the back of her throat in a familiar fashion.
Between the vomiting and the cutting rituals she feels more in control, far less of a victim to her classmates’ bullying and her own mind’s torments. And yet even in these moments she is still struggling—feeling in control and at the same time feeling excruciatingly alone.
As Monica forces herself to vomit, the anxiety monster has officially begun its shift. “What if someone at school found out you were bulimic? They’d torture you even more than they already do. What if they lock you up in some hospital? What if you vomit in class tomorrow? What if the gym teacher sees the scars on your arms?”
Monica feels her chest tighten, her jaw squeezing shut, and her fists clenching. Feeling as if someone punched her in the stomach. Feeling alone. Empty.
Like Monica, many of us have these monsters of shame and anxiety, and although we might go through different kinds of agonizing rituals in order to appease them, we might still struggle with the overwhelming effects they have on us. This effort to try to reduce any kind of emotionally painful experience is called experiential avoidance. Monica’s cutting and vomiting in order to appease her monsters is an example of experiential avoidance, where Monica is attempting to reduce and avoid her painful thoughts and feelings.
How does experiential avoidance work? It is like a bribe we might give to a bully. In the short term, it usually makes us feel better: the bullies/monsters are likely to temporarily suspend their abuse. However, in the long term, the bully inevitably comes back and usually demands an even greater sacrifice.
We can also think of experiential avoidance as a trap or a trick set up by an evil villain trying to prevent us from succeeding in our quest. On the surface, it might seem like a good compromise—do what the villain asks and she will leave you alone. This process of giving in to the demands of our internal villains in order to reduce the internal struggle is called negative reinforcement. The word “negative” here refers to something being taken away, in this case, the monster’s torture. And the word “reinforcement” refers to us being more likely to continue this behavior in the future.
A great example of negative reinforcement is substance abuse. When people are overwhelmed by their personal suffering, they might, for example, drink alcohol in order to feel better. In this case, the alcohol will provide a temporary relief from the monster’s abuse. However, the villain is greedy and once the effects of alcohol wear off, the monster will return, stronger and louder, ensuring that the person is likely to continue using alcohol. Think of it as like trying to fight a hydra: the more we might try to behead it, the more heads it will generate.
In many ways this is what Doctor Semper is attempting to do. Semper’s job is to travel through time and space in his Hurricane Simulator and save people. He prides himself on being kind and able to rescue others. Recently, however, Doctor Semper experienced a tragic loss—he was unable to rescue a little girl, who ended up falling to her death. He still plays out the moments leading up to her death in his mind. He experiences guilt over what happened to her. He used to feel in control of his own fate and secure in his ability to help others.
That is no longer the case.
To make matters worse, last month Semper experienced something he never had before in his 4,550 years of living. When he stepped out of the Simulator, his three hearts all started pounding extremely fast in his chest. It was as if he had run around the galaxy four times without stopping (and he hadn’t done that in at least 500 years). In addition to the overwhelming heartbeats, the Doctor’s breathing became very fast and shallow. Semper began shaking uncontrollably. He was sweating, his vision became extremely blurry, his stomachs felt as if they would turn inside out, and he was sure that this time he was going to die for good.
Doctor Semper called out for his assistant, an Earth-born neuroscientist named Andrea, who helped him back into the Simulator. Strangely, when he was back inside his ship, the Doctor felt better. His heart rates returned to normal, his breathing rate slowed down, he was no longer shaking, and over time his vision returned to normal. Andrea explained to him that he had had what is called a panic attack, something a lot of Earthlings have, especially after they have an experience of not being in control of a specific situation.
Although Doctor Semper felt significantly better after returning to the Simulator, he found that because he had been overwhelmed by his panic attack, he was unable to leave the Simulator without Andrea’s assistance. If he stepped more than twenty feet away from the Simulator, he started having similar symptoms: the racing hearts, shallow breathing, shaking, and sweating.
At these times, his anxiety monster shouted at him, “You’re going to die! You can’t handle it! It’s not safe! You’re going to go crazy!”
Not wanting to experience another panic attack, the Doctor ran back into the Simulator. The only times he was able to get more than 20 feet away from his safety zone was when Andrea was with him.
This is in fact what happens to a lot of people who develop panic disorder and agoraphobia. The fear of additional attacks might prevent the person from going to places or participating in activities where panic attacks might be likely. At the same time, being too far away from a safety object (such as a time-travel spaceship or someone’s home or car) or a safety buddy (such as a companion, a family member, or a pet) might also trigger the feelings of anxiety.
And just like Monica, Doctor Semper initially felt better after avoiding his feared outcome—an environment he could not control. However, in the long term, he felt less capable of handling this situation, which only served to strengthen the belief that the outside world is dangerous.
For the majority of people, fictional or otherwise, avoidance of a feared outcome might make them more stressed out and might actually create the very consequence that they are trying to avoid. For example, Neil Scott struggles with social anxiety disorder (SAD), where he fears social humiliation and feels extremely anxious when he has to make a presentation or ask someone out on a date. His anxiety began when he was a small child and was physically and emotionally abused by his parents. As a result, Neil now puts himself down in social situations.
Since he began studying at the Wizarding College six months ago, Neil’s social anxiety has only gotten worse. Neil believes that he got into the school by mistake, or that he is somehow a “fraud” and that soon enough everyone will find out that he is “not good enough” to be there. Neil was always shy, but his “fraud syndrome” makes him especially self-conscious, causing him to have frequent anxiety and panic attacks whenever he has to demonstrate his knowledge in front of the class or talk to others.
In order to prove his worthiness, Neil spends hours studying different charms and incantations and does well on his own. However, whenever a professor asks him to demonstrate a spell in front of the classroom, Neil’s heart begins to pound loudly in his chest (in fact, he sometimes wonders if others can hear it). He sweats so much that he believes that everyone can see the perspiration covering his vividly blushing face. Even though he knows the required spells, his anxiety monster causes Neil an overwhelming amount of fear of looking foolish in front of the class. As a result, Neil simply states that he does not know the answer in order to be allowed to sit back down at his desk.
The same thing occurs whenever Neil likes someone. Last week, for instance, he saw a wizard he is attracted to, Brian, sitting across from him in the dining hall. He felt his heart warm when he saw Brian smile at him. Trying to work up the courage to ask him out on a date, Neil attempted to stand up. However, his anxiety monster cut him off.
Neil’s shoulders and fists tensed; he felt his stomach turn in knots and he sat back down in defeat. Several minutes later Brian walked past him but Neil did not dare look at him. Neil’s shame monster was already doing what he did best: putting him down.
In both of these examples, Neil’s experiential avoidance of anxiety-producing situations created the very outcome that Neil was trying to avoid. In attempts to avoid looking foolish, he refused to answer the professor’s question, only presenting himself as less capable than if he had attempted it. And by not asking Brian out on a date, Neil made certain that he ended up alone, feeling ashamed and rejected, the very feelings he was trying to avoid. In addition to ensuring the unwanted outcome, experiential avoidance also guarantees an added dose of shame for failing to take the chance in the first place.
Often, when fear prevents us from taking a chance on something we really care about, we are likely to experience regret. In fact, at the end of their lives, the majority of people do not regret their successes or failures but rather the chances they did not take. By avoiding something that is really important to us, we are more likely to experience shame and harsh self-criticism, and confirm our (often mistaken) beliefs that we are not capable of succeeding at a particular task.
For most people, experiential avoidance makes it more likely that they are going to experience more anxiety, more depression, or worse, chronic pain, making them more likely to get or maintain certain mental health disorders. In fact, many mental health disorders are maintained or made worse by avoidance, as is the case with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), specific phobia (such as the fear of spiders, snakes, heights, flying, and more), substance abuse disorders, eating disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and others.
Very frequently the attempts to control and avoid difficult emotional experiences are more likely to make us worse rather than better. This means that the real enemies are not the symptoms. The real enemy is avoidance, a trap set up by a villain to ensure that we fail before we even attempt to begin our hero’s journey.
Luckily, the avoidance trap can be overcome, and in the following chapters we are going to learn the different skills we will need to ensure success battling the avoidance villains and becoming a true superhero. Specifically, we are going to learn how to manage the four common monsters that frequently try to prevent us from living the kind of life that we might fantasize about. These monsters are anxiety, depression, shame, and anger. In addition, we are going to learn to utilize our own sidekicks, like hope, resilience, courage, and self-compassion.
To ensure your success, at the end of each chapter I will recommend Superhero Steps to practice. These will strengthen your superhero training to better help you on your heroic journey.
As Katrina Quest approaches her new car, she immediately feels her heart rate increase. With her sweaty hands she attempts to put the key in the door to open it, but her hands are shaking too much to allow her to do this.
She does not even have time to close her eyes before the flashbacks begin. Suddenly she is back there, at the scene of the accident. A drunken truck driver has crashed into her, nearly killing her. It is as if she is right there again, seeing the truck right in front of her, seeing the windshield shatter.
Even now, nearly a year after that event, she can still see it and almost feel it in her body. Her shoulders tighten so much that she looks completely stiff. Frozen with fear, her heart pounding, she stands next to her car as her anxiety monster yells out, “This is not safe! You are going to die!” Katrina stands frozen as she tries to remember how to breathe again. She is forced to relive her past until her body gives in and allows her to cry as a form of relief.
Katrina is a superhero who uses her ability to fly in order to help other people. However, since she was in the accident, Katrina has neither been able to drive nor fly. The car accident caused her to develop a driving phobia, along with a flying phobia. In addition, she struggles with symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
After experiencing a traumatic event, such as a car accident, we are likely to replay that scenario over and over again in our minds. We might therefore be living in our past or, as is also the case for Katrina, be scared about our future. Katrina expects that every time she will get behind the wheel, she will get into an accident again. She also believes that the same will happen if she flies, even though she has never been injured while flying. Her constant worries about the possibility of getting into another accident are preventing her from experiencing what is truly happening in the present moment.
On the other hand, Shadow Gray is living in the past. Shadow is a demon hunter. Armed with a crossbow and sarcasm, Shadow and her team typically roam the streets of their hometown, hunting demons and protecting human beings. But sometimes demons are not the scariest beasts that humans need to fear. Two years ago, Lorion, a fellow demon hunter, attacked Shadow and sexually assaulted her. She trusted him. He violated that trust. To this day Shadow feels hurt, “weak,” and “broken.”
When she told her friends about the incident, some of them did not believe her, while others told her that she should consider dating Lorion, because he was “such a great guy.” Two years later, Shadow is still haunted by the memory of what happened to her. Her friends fail to understand why she can’t “just get over it and move on” since the assault happened “so long ago.” Over the past six months, Shadow has begun distancing herself from her friends and stopped going out on demon patrols, as she does not believe she is capable of helping herself, let alone others. Shadow struggles with PTSD, depression, and shame about what happened to her, as well as guilt for “not being able to prevent it.”
Katrina’s and Shadow’s experiences are sadly not uncommon and the painful incidents of our past often affect our beliefs about the future. One of the best elixirs for difficult experiences is mindfulness. Mindfulness refers to purposely observing our experiences in real time and without judging them (as “bad” for example). More specifically, it refers to noticing our thoughts, feelings, behaviors, our five senses (sight, taste, smell, sound, and touch), and the environment around us. You can think of it as like a healing potion in a video game or tabletop role-playing game. This magic potion might not taste good but it is helpful for recovery; experiencing anxiety, depression, or other painful sensations can be unpleasant, but allowing ourselves to feel them may help us recover in the long term.
Researchers actually find that when we are anxious, overwhelmed, traumatized, or otherwise distressed, our minds begin to wander. Usually our minds go into problem-solving mode by default and often focus on something negative, like an embarrassing moment or an anxious thought. Scientists also find that the more our mind wanders, the unhappier we are likely to be. With that we might also feel more anxious, more stressed, or more depressed, and might be more likely to try to avoid these sensations (which, if you remember, is a villain’s trap), potentially making us more likely to be emotionally and physically unhealthy.
There is a saying, “Name it and you tame it,” which suggests that mindfully acknowledging our emotions might make them less overwhelming. Imagine if rather than running away from the monsters, you could see and acknowledge them, as if they were wearing name tags, almost as if to say, “Hello, my name is Anxiety.” In fact, if we were to notice the emotion of anxiety, we might also notice the physiological changes that it brings, such as rapid heartbeat, shallow breathing, and muscle tension, especially in the upper back, neck, and shoulders. For some people anxiety also leads to a clenched jaw and jaw pain, tight wrists, sweating, and other symptoms. Spending time noticing these symptoms might alert us that we need to roll our shoulders back, unclench our jaw, and perhaps focus on our breathing. If we ignore these symptoms, the body is more likely to keep increasing them in order to get our attention. On the other hand, mindfully noticing these symptoms, and spending some time experiencing each one, often might reduce them.
I want to be clear here: mindfulness is not itself an antianxiety tool. This means that mindfulness will not make us anxiety-free, although it often feels relaxing and might lead to a reduced anxiety state. However, this is more of a side effect and not something to expect.
Practicing mindfulness is kind of like having a wise mentor, like an elderly wizard or a knight trainer. Sometimes the mentor might be encouraging and make you feel better about yourself. Sometimes, however, the mentor might point out a skill that you may be struggling with, which might not necessarily feel good to hear. However, the mentor’s words will be helpful to you in better knowing your practice, and it will always be wise.
In essence, mindfulness practice is kind of like having a LifeLink (an enchantment that can extend life) in a game. In fact, scientists are finding that regular mindfulness practice reduces stress and better regulates blood pressure, as well as reducing anxiety, depression, PTSD symptoms, and chronic pain symptoms, and leading to better outcomes for eating and substance abuse disorders. In addition, mindfulness has also been found to improve romantic relationships and potentially prolong life.
Now that we know that mindfulness is an essential part of your superhero training, how do we begin to practice it? One quick mindfulness exercise I like to use both for myself and for my patients is the “Where are my feet?” practice. I sometimes refer to it as “quick and dirty” or “mindfulness for busy people” because it does not take very long to complete. In order to do this practice, we need to ask ourselves, “Where are my feet?” and notice where our feet* are at the present moment. The feet will usually be on the ground, or at times elevated, or perhaps stepping on the car accelerator or brakes. This practice might immediately ground us by reminding us where we are at a given moment, and that neither the painful past nor the dreaded future are happening right now.
A slightly longer mindfulness practice includes focusing on the five senses: sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. There are numerous ways of practicing mindfulness that involve engaging the senses. One way could be to allocate a period of time (for example, ten minutes) for sitting still and focusing on one sense at a time. Another way could be to spend a couple of minutes just practicing noticing your surroundings, such as the colors, shapes, and all kinds of details (large and small) in your environment. Then you can focus on the sounds that you might be able to hear, and so on.
* For people with a physical disability that prevents them from making contact with their feet or for people who are missing limbs, the exercise can alternatively focus on a different part of the body, for example, the hands, the jaw, or the tongue.
Another mindfulness exercise involves focusing on the breath. Just as with the five senses exercise, we can set aside approximately ten minutes (or more if possible) to bring awareness to our breath. We can focus on the sensations that come up when we inhale and exhale. There are a number of smartphone apps and guided mindfulness recordings available on the Internet.
If your life is too hectic to be able to spend ten minutes a day on a mindfulness exercise, then you can consider incorporating mindfulness into your everyday routine. For example, when taking a shower you can notice the feel of the water on your body and the sound it makes, while also noticing the scent of the soap and seeing the soap bubbles around you. You might also be able to practice this while brushing your teeth, eating a meal, or drinking tea or coffee. The latter examples, of engaging our senses while eating or drinking, are of what’s called savoring. Very often when we are eating, we might quickly finish our meal without fully enjoying it, sometimes without fully noticing what or how much we have eaten. The savoring practice consists of taking the time to use our senses to fully enjoy a specific experience, such as eating.
Another part of mindful savoring can include a gratitude practice. Gratitude refers to giving mindful appreciation for something or someone. Gratitude does not have to be about something major; it could be about anything, such as a morning cup of coffee, about what someone might have done for us at one point, or about a particular memory. The research on gratitude suggests that a daily gratitude practice of naming one to three things for which we are grateful can reduce anxiety, depression, and stress, among other benefits.
See if you can name one thing you are grateful for today. It does not have to be big; it could be something like your friends, family, your abilities, or your interests, or something smaller, such as a warm cup of coffee. If you are not in a place where you can do this today, that is OK too. Just notice this difficulty without judgment and notice what’s happening in your body as you experience it. In fact, gratitude practice is not always easy, and sometimes when we’ve been through a really hard time, we might struggle to find things to be grateful for. That is perfectly normal and if you are unable to find anything to be grateful for today, it is no problem; we can try again tomorrow. In addition, I would like to point out that it is also possible to feel grateful while feeling what seem to be conflicting emotions, like anger, shame, or resentment. For example, Neil might have a lot of shame about struggling with his magic classes, but at the same time he is also grateful for the opportunity to attend the Wizarding College.
As we are starting to get deeper into your superhero training, I am going to ask you to practice mindfulness this week every day in whichever way is available to you: either by noticing where your feet are, focusing on your five senses, mindful savoring (for example, of music, food, or tea), doing breathing practice, or gratitude practice. If you are struggling with any of these or if they bring pain or discomfort, notice that too and see if you can also notice what your body might need (for example, rest, food, or relaxation).
Some of the biggest obstacles to practicing mindfulness have to do with mistaken beliefs that some people have about this practice. Very often when I talk to my patients about mindfulness, they might say that they have tried it at one point and found that “it didn’t work.” Most people who first attempt to practice mindfulness believe that mindfulness means taking a lotus posture and meditating for hours and hours without having a single thought. That is actually not accurate.
Whenever he closes his eyes, Drovin still sees the images from the Space War. He can still smell the cauterizing odor of the laser beams cutting into human flesh. He can see his best friend jOrrin’s body, or rather the pieces that remain. He still remembers picking up the cold limp pieces off the ground and packing jOrrin up to be shipped back to his family. Drovin also remembers the anger he felt toward the enemy troops. He does not remember opening fire, but he does recall his Commander throwing him on the ground after Drovin had killed two unarmed people on the opposing side.
I’m evil, Drovin told himself.
Two weeks prior to starting at the Superhero Training Academy, Drovin was sitting in his apartment, back on his home planet Kridaq, located in the northwest arm of the Pinwheel Galaxy. In his left hand he held a remote to the Intergalactic television projection device, and in his right he held a bottle of locally made beer, Pobég. Mindlessly changing the channels, he was not actually aware of what he was watching. His mind was back in that moment when he first saw jOrrin’s body.
Periodically, he would also flash back to the incident that occurred three months previously, when Drovin was back home with his family. Drovin’s four-year-old son, Zeelik, accidentally spilled a carton of milk and walked away without cleaning it up. Drovin’s patience had been very short since he returned from the war and he could not tolerate his son’s apparent lack of responsibility.
Tense and hot with fury, Drovin grabbed Zeelik’s arm, almost twisting it, dragged him to the kitchen, and shouted, “When you spill something, you clean it up! Why is that so hard to understand?” Zeelik’s cries only made Drovin angrier and it wasn’t until his wife intervened that he let go of his son.
I’m evil, he reminded himself again.
When his wife left him and took Zeelik with her, Drovin believed that it was for the best, as he did not feel that they were safe around him.
What Drovin is essentially experiencing is an attachment to an identity he created for himself. Because he believes that he is evil, Drovin is in some ways acting according to this adapted identity. Most people, when presented with a highly traumatic situation, are going to be affected by it, and many might do something that is otherwise out of character for them, like hurting their loved ones. Many trauma survivors I have worked with—including military service members with combat trauma, like Drovin, or sexual assault survivors, like Shadow, or people who witnessed homicide or torture, or former gang members—might develop a new sense of self, such as “I’m evil,” “I’m weak,” or “I’m broken.” Most of the time, however, people base these stories on an incident that was out of their control and occurred over a short period of time (on average, one to two minutes).
We all have such self-stories. I have one too. Mine is “I’m an amateur.” I still remember when it first happened. I believe I was about six or seven years old when I wrote my first short story. I was so excited by it. It was going to be a bestseller! Excited and beaming with pride and joy I showed my “masterpiece” to my brother. My brother is nine years older than me and was the kind of guy that guys wanted to be friends with and girls wanted to date. In short, my brother was cool.
So, what do you think?” I asked him, awaiting generous praise.
But it never came. My brother turned his hand over and down again, the kind of gesture that people might make when they are neither overly pleased nor overly disappointed with their evening meal.
“Ehhh. It’s kind of amateur,” he replied.
Amateur.
That was the day I first learned that word. He was completely right of course, if not overly generous. However, the six- year-old me took this word to heart so much so that I stopped writing for many years. To this day, when I give a talk, whenever I teach, and even now, writing this book, this self-story is triggered—“I’m an amateur”—which in turn triggers other self-stories, such as “I’m not good enough,” or “I’m a fraud and everybody will find out.”
Still waiting for the “fraud police” to find me, I realized that by overidentifying with this self-story, I was holding myself back and not taking the kind of chances that would be most meaningful to me. In a lot of ways, by not even trying due to my believed not-good-enoughness, I was essentially setting myself up for failure. If this sounds familiar to you, that is because this is a fairly universal experience.
In fact, over time our self-stories can start to control our behavior by essentially turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy. A self-fulfilling prophecy is (usually) a false prediction, inadvertently made true by the people who believe in it. For Drovin, the story that he tells himself is that he is “evil” or “damaged,” and as a result he might distance himself from others or become more aggressive toward them. For Doctor Semper, his self-story is “I’m incapable” and “I’m not brave enough.”
Self-stories don’t always have to include self-judgments. Sometimes they contain specific roles we believe we ought to play, which (frequently) include unspoken rules about how we are expected to act. For example, Shadow is a demon hunter, and in overidentifying with this identity, she might believe that a demon hunter must be someone who never cries, someone who is never “weak.” She might then either try to hide her own feelings in order to try to fit into the role that she believes is expected of her, or she might believe that she is “not capable” of being a demon hunter.
The opposite of overidentifying with self-stories is what is called self-as-context, or as I like to refer to it, your superhero self. These are unlike self-stories, which are usually not only unhelpful but oftentimes also limiting. The connection with your superhero self is a reminder that you can practice being you in any environment, in any situation, no matter the circumstances. What it means is that no matter how young or old you are, no matter what happens to you, you can still be your superhero self, whatever that might mean to you.
One exercise I like to practice with all my superheroes is to have them write their self-story items on sticky notes and then put them on themselves. The first one people usually think of has to do with negative judgments, such as “I’m fat,” “I’m unlovable,” or “I’m not good enough.” In fact, none of the single sticky notes represent the big picture, the real you. However, we often take one or two of them, usually the harshest, the most self-critical ones, and overidentify with them, as if they represent the absolute truth about us. As the exercise continues, other aspects of one’s overidentified self might present themselves. Pretty soon, the person might be fully covered with sticky notes, the real superhero self hidden somewhere underneath them.
For example, Doctor Semper’s superhero self consists of many different parts. He is a time-traveling scientist from another planet. He is also someone who values saving people. He is heroic, and he is also someone who gets scared sometimes. He is compassionate and kind, he is creative and loyal, and he is someone who likes strange foods, such as cheese sticks dipped in chocolate sauce. All of these make up his superhero self. No matter where he is, no matter who he is with, no matter what happens to him, Doctor Semper can remind himself of who he really is. Being true to ourselves, transcending time and our life circumstances, is one of the most courageous things that we can do.
In fact, it was his sense of his true self, his superhero self, that reminded the Doctor that he is someone who is passionate about helping others. This is what prompted Doctor Semper to arrive on Planet Kridaq that fateful morning in order to try to convince Drovin to come to the Superhero Training Academy with him. Unfortunately for Doctor Semper, Drovin’s angry refusal to come with him to the Training Academy, coupled with Semper being more than twenty feet away from the Simulator, sparked the Doctor’s beliefs, such as “I’m incapable,” and caused him to have a panic attack.
Feeling his hearts pounding in his chest, he began to shake, trying to breathe, which suddenly became extremely laborious. Doctor Semper leaned on the wall, scared that he was going to faint. His stomach tightening into knots, his brain feeling like mush, Semper wasn’t sure if he was going to die or lose his mind.
He suddenly felt a warm, heavy hand on his shoulder. It was Drovin.
“Hey, it’s OK, man,” Drovin said softly. There was a genuine sense of concern in his voice. He helped the Doctor back into his spaceship and, after some negotiating, agreed to come to the Academy with him, though he remained convinced that it was not going to be helpful.
It is not unusual for us to think that a particular situation is hopeless when we are going through a hard time. One of the reasons this happens is that we might begin to think of ourselves in terms of unhelpful self-stories. However, the truth is that no matter what happens to us, we are still the same superhero selves. As a way to remind ourselves of that, we could practice the superhero-self grounding meditation.
Get into a comfortable position, sitting or lying down. See if you can close your eyes and begin to bring your attention to your body. Notice the bottoms of your feet and where your feet are at this moment. Notice if they are warm or cold, tired or relaxed, tense or comfortable.
Perhaps placing your hands on your heart, see if you can recall the first time you ever wanted to be a hero. See if you can remember a time when you helped someone, when you really made a difference. What was that like? Do you notice the sensations in your heart as you recall this?
Throughout your life you have probably experienced many obstacles and changes. Your hair might have changed, your face might have changed, and your tastes and preferences might have changed too. However, the one thing that remains is your superhero self—that part of you that wants to make a difference. And through all the changes you ever encounter, the one thing that will remain the same is your superhero self. It is here for you always. It is who you are, the very core of your being no matter what life might throw at you.
Take a few moments to reflect on this experience and once you are finished, open your eyes.
