July 1894
Dear Dr. Arthur Schnitzler,
Your lovely letter made me truly inordinately happy. So how do I write?
Altogether freely, without any deliberation. I never know my subject beforehand, I never think it over. I just take paper and write. Even the title I toss off and hope that what comes out will have something to do with it.
One must have confidence, not force the issue, just let oneself live life to the fullest, frightfully free, let it fly—.
What comes out is definitely the stuff that was real and deep down in me. If nothing comes out then there was nothing real and deep down in me and that doesn’t matter then either.
I view writing as a natural organic spilling out of a full, overripe person. Thus the failings, the pale cast of thought.
I hate any revision. Toss it off and that’s good—! Or bad! What’s the difference?! If it’s only you, you and nobody else, your sacred you.The term you coined “self-searcher” is really terrific. But when will you write “self-finder”?
My pieces have the misfortune always to be taken for little rehearsals, whereas they are, alas, already the very best I can do. But what’s the difference?! I couldn’t care less if I write or not.
The more important thing is that I be able to show in a circle of refined, cultured young people that the little spark is fluttering in me. Otherwise, one has the impression of seeming so pressed, so importunate, as if everyone looked askance. I’m already enough of an “invalid of life.” Your letter made me very very happy! You’re all so kind to me. Everyone full of goodwill. But you really did say such absolutely wonderful things to me. Especially that term “self-searcher.”
With no profession, no money, no position and already hardly any hair, you can well imagine that such gracious recognition from a “man in the know” falls on very welcome ears.
Thus am I and will I ever remain a writer of “worthless samples” and the finished product never appears. I’m just a kind of little pocket mirror, powder mirror, no world-mirror.
Yours,
Peter Altenberg