As we have seen, optimists possess many valuable qualities, such as self-awareness, resilience and happiness. However, no attribute is more precious to the optimist than his or her selfconfidence. By trusting in your ability to do what needs to be done, you enter into all your undertakings in the expectation of success. Expecting to succeed is a powerful motivator and helps you to persist even in the face of difficulties. And, of course, positive expectations tend to lead to positive results (see pp.62–65).
It is not true, as some assert, that self-confident people are conceited. Self-confident people have their doubts and negative thoughts about themselves and their competence. It’s just that they have the self-awareness to recognize these thoughts and replace them with positive alternatives. Do not confuse bragging with confidence; genuinely confident people do not need to bring attention to themselves or their accomplishments, or denigrate other people, in order to feel happy about themselves.
Whereas confident people expect success, those who lack confidence often do so because they fear failure. This fear creates a vicious circle of self-doubt – if you never attempt anything, for fear of failing, you will lack the memory-store of past achievements that optimists can draw upon to build their confidence. When fear controls you instead of you controlling your fear, it is time to devise a plan of action. This may seem daunting at first, but by breaking the process down into the following stages, you will be able to shift from a vicious circle of fear to a virtuous circle of confidence.
Face your fears. In your optimism journal (see pp.36–9), make a list of all the aspects of a particular challenge that frighten you and stop you from attempting it. For example, if you lack the confidence to speak in public, you might write down such things as: “I might forget what to say next in my speech”; “People might laugh at me”; “They might think I am stupid.” Examine each of your concerns in turn. Do they have any foundation? Imagine if they did materialize – would it really be so bad? Put your fears in their place by writing down an optimistic response to each of your statements. For example, “I might forget what to say next in my speech – but that’s not the end of the world.”
Take things one step at a time. Confidence is best developed through a series of small successes that build on one another. To aim too high without going through the intermediate steps is to risk returning to a cycle of failure and self-doubt. Again taking public speaking as an example, the first step might be to join a club that teaches people how to speak with confidence. Gain self-assurance in this way, before moving on to speaking in workplace meetings on a regular basis, and only then consider tackling a larger audience.
Be prepared. Do not jeopardize your burgeoning confidence by embarking on a challenge without adequate planning and practice. Feeling that you are in a position to do your best will increase your self-confidence and can help you to overcome last-minute jitters. Keep up the positive self-talk (see p.35) – for example, by repeating to yourself over and over “I can do this.”
Act confident. Remember that your body language influences the way you feel and the way other people perceive you. Look people in the eyes when you speak to them, hold your head up, speak in a steady voice, and smile.
Beware of “all or nothing” thinking. This is a trap that perfectionists set for themselves. Unless the outcome is perfect, the perfectionist thinks that he or she has failed completely. It is far more constructive to focus on what went well.
Bask in your achievements. Once you have mastered your challenge, take time to accept praise from yourself and others. Reward yourself for having the courage to face your fear and come out the other side. Create a “My Successes” page in your journal where you record the details of your achievements.