One or more of the bridesmaids, usually led by the Maid or Matron of Honor, are the most typical hosts of the wedding shower, although just about any close friend, neighbor, aunt, cousin, or coworker is perfectly fine, too. You can cohost it if you want with any of these people, or you can do it by yourself.
The people who are not supposed to host the shower, according to the etiquette bylaws, are the mother, sister, or grandmother of the bride. However, any of these can hold it at her home, or offer financial contributions to the event. She just is not typically supposed to act as hostess (she doesn’t send out the invitations).
What with work friends and friends from the bride’s club, church, school, old family friends, or any one of many disparate groups in a woman’s life, chances are there will be plenty of people who want to throw a shower. Probably lots of them don’t even know one another. Who’s the right one to do it, and how many showers can she have?
That question is answered in many ways. First, are the bride and groom having a big wedding? Are all the people who will be at the shower(s) also invited to the wedding? Is she inviting her whole office staff to the wedding, or just a few people from work?
People who are not invited to the wedding can certainly be invited to a shower. But some wedding-planning books advise the bride not to have shower guests who are not also wedding guests.
Remember that it is redundant and possibly a big financial drain on anyone to be invited to more than two showers for the same bride. With that in mind, it can also make a shower a lot more fun for the bride if groups of people she knows from different parts of her world can meet. Her best friend at work can finally meet Aunt Mabel, about whom she has heard so many stories. It’s a kick for some brides to watch this. On the other hand, coworkers might not feel generally comfortable at the family get-together, or their presence there might establish more intimacy with the bride than she feels comfortable with.
For the hostess of the party, the easiest way to resolve this is to ask the bride what she wants. As long as one or two poor souls don’t get invited to more than two showers for the same bride, everything will work out just fine. And some of the bride’s friends might make new friends with other people who are important in her life.
Let’s just assume you want to host the party all by yourself, for whatever reason. You don’t care how much work it is, you don’t care how much money it costs, you don’t care that your house will be trashed after fifteen women leave the party. You just plain want to do it all alone.
OK. You can do it all by yourself, and with all the work will come all the glory and the bride’s undying thanks. Cool. But please, consider the following questions before you absolutely make up your mind.
Hosting It Alone QuestionnaireBecause even with this book as a helpful guide, it’s still a lot of work!
Do you have enough time to organize the whole thing?
Do you have enough money to pay for the party (a cheap party will cost you about $250)?
Do you get excited at the thought of staying up until the wee hours, getting ready the week before the shower?
Is your house big enough to hold everyone?
Can you cook and bake?
Can you afford a caterer?
Are you sure there won’t be too many wedding showers if you do one?
Are you sure nobody will be offended if you do it without their help?
How would that make the bride feel if they were upset?
Do you like organizing things?
Are you great at details?
If you can honestly say yes to most of these questions, you should definitely do it yourself. But there are some benefits to having other people involved:
Sharing the expenses
Tapping into someone else’s creativity
Providing a great place to have the shower if they have a bigger house
Cutting down on the amount of time all this will take you
Making your life a lot easier while still giving your bride a great party
Including people you like who cannot or would not do it themselves
Cohosting offers lots of benefits, not the least of which are shared expenses and shared responsibilities. You might become great friends (if you aren’t already) with whomever you cohost the shower with. You could also want to kill each other, and that tension could mess up the party.
Luckily, you bought this book. Here is the secret to cohosting a fabulous party and having fun doing it. Get ready to commit the secret to memory:
Decide who will do what now, while it’s all still a fun theory.
The more you work out now, the easier this whole thing will be for you. The first step is to have a planning meeting with your partner(s). You will want to buy a copy of this book for each of them (my publisher told me to put that in, but it’s a good idea), and you will want to copy (and enlarge) the following chart.
Your job at this first meeting with your cohost(s) is to basically decide on a theme and a general idea of who will do what. You probably want to have a meeting with your cohost(s) face to face if at all possible. You will have called the bride already and gotten permission and a couple of possible dates and times she’s available.
It’s OK if you don’t know your cohost(s). Take control of the meeting by showing her how prepared you are. Give her the book and the chart, and after you’re done giggling and bonding, choose the date and, ideally, the location and talk about the theme. (If you plan to rent a location, you won’t be able to select a place at your first meeting, obviously.)
The following form should be filled out and one copy given to each hostess.
Party for: _________________________________________
To be held on: _____________________________________
Where: _____________________________________
From what time to what time: _____________________________________
Names of hostesses: _____________________________________
Home phone number: _____________________________________
work: _____________________________________
pager:_____________________________________
cell: _____________________________________
e-mail: _____________________________________
Theme: (choose one from this book or come up with something of your own!)
____________________________________________
Then, generally go over the list of things to be done. Make a verbal, out-loud deal to be honest about what your real interests are. Don’t sit there like a mouse if you love to bake and would love to make her cake, but you hate picking out music because all you listen to is Old Elvis and everyone teases you about it. Tell your cohost you want to make the darn cake! Pick the jobs you like, let her pick the jobs she likes, and negotiate the rest. Be clear about what you are interested in doing, and what you vehemently DON’T want to do. Chances are, you two can sweet-talk somebody else into doing what you don’t want to do or pool your money and hire it done.
At this first meeting, you might also want to talk about money. Who will pay for what is kind of taken care of in the delegation chart, but if you want to do a straight budget, refer to the budget-planning section of this book. A home party can be done for $250 on the very cheap side. From there, the sky’s the limit. Reasonably elegant home parties for fifteen people would cost about $400, self-catered, but including the gift you guys give her. Lavish, well, you gotta do some price shopping yourself to discover that one. If you hire Fabio or Pierce Brosnan as a surprise guest, it’s going to cost a lot more.
What to take to your shower-planning meeting with your new cohost(s):
A copy of the delegation chart for each host
A copy of this book for each host
A pen
Your personal calendar
Your checkbook
Your incredible charm and great personality
Doing it all by your lonesome DOES NOT mean you cannot get all sorts of help with any part you want help with! Including financial aid!
Let’s say you want to do it alone, but you want a really cool location—ask another friend, the bride’s mom, or somebody else to let you do it at their place. If you can sweet-talk a friend who has a great house but who isn’t a friend of the bride’s and who would let you use his or her house or yard for the party and maybe not even care to be there him- or herself, you’ve got a perfect deal!
Know this: The person whose house it is at is usually considered the hostess, no matter what the facts may be, unless the homeowner is a stranger to the attendees. Also, no matter where you are having it, you should psychologically prepare yourself for some breakage. Especially if alcohol will be served. Five percent of even the most perfect parties go wrong—and you just want to make it look like it’s all flowing as planned. Never get ruffled, no matter what happens.
The Question is … what do you want help with?
Help with cooking? Do it potluck!
Help with the cake? Ask one of the attendees who you know loves to bake to make it her shower gift.
Help paying for it all? Politely ask her or his parents if they’d like to contribute (but know that hers may be already overwhelmed with paying for the wedding), or ask the girls at work to pitch in!
Help sending out and tracking the invitations? Ask someone with a computer, like a secretary friend who is also a friend of the bride’s.
Help with the party games? You certainly know someone in the group who is always the life of the party and who would love the job.
See? Doing it all by yourself doesn’t mean doing it all by yourself. It means you get to practice your skills as a kind and effective manager of others.
There could be a moment or two in the next few weeks while you are planning this shower when you think, “Gee, why am I doing this anyway?” Especially if you have never been a bride and had your own shower, if you have small children, if you work full time, if you have anything else to do all day other than plan parties.
You are planning this party because you want everyone to have a memorable time, or a fun time, or for her to know how much you care about her, or because she is your colleague. Or are you also hoping to make new friends? To practice your organizational skills? How about because you wonder if you would like to quit your day job and become a caterer or party planner for a living?
Once you know why you want to host this party, you need to think about the kind of person you are and the kind of person she is. If she’s quiet and reserved, she might not enjoy a party at Chippendale’s, even though you and her other friends might. If you or some of the other girls just cannot keep a secret for anything, you might not want to plan her a surprise party.
If you and the bride are friends but your personality styles really don’t match, you’ll probably want to defer to her style as much as possible. After all, this party is for her. Think about the kinds of things she loves to do. Would she be more thrilled at an English tea party in a big garden some afternoon? Or a male stripper? Or a traditional party at someone’s home or at church? What kind of person is your bride?
If you think about it, you’ll come up with all sorts of interesting things she likes to do that might be able to be incorporated into a unique and fun party.
Is she a nature lover? Have the party in a national park!
Is she a city girl with a love of animals? What about at the zoo?
Does she go nuts over Laura Ashley’s stuff? You might want to try that tea party in a garden!
Is she just a “good ol’ girl”? You might have fun at a local pool hall with a surprise male stripper.
A Martha Stewart wife-to-be? Try booking a local craft or ceramic shop for some workshop time.
The thing to remember is this: This party should make her feel comfortable and happy. It should not embarrass her or bore her. The idea is a fun night out from all the hectic preparations for the wedding with a bunch of her friends—not a trip to the outer limits of her comfort zone.
An engagement party is a party given for the newly engaged couple, often to announce and celebrate their new engagement. It’s usually shortly after they get engaged and sort of serves as a public acknowledgement of their commitment to marry.
An engagement party can be formal or informal. Sometimes, when the bride’s parents host it, it is a formal sit-down dinner where the couple is toasted and lavished with love and congratulations on their engagement. Gifts may or may not be part of this type of party. Special gifts at this kind of event might include family heirlooms being passed to the new couple. If gifts are included, it’s usually considered more of a coed shower than a basic engagement party. A wedding shower has a totally different intent and is usually held close to the wedding.
The bridesmaids either give the bridesmaids’ luncheon for the bride, or vice versa. It’s a chance for the bride and her friends to hang out together in the hectic days right before the wedding. Usually, nobody else attends. It’s usually held on the weekend before the wedding so working girls can get there, too. At this event, the bridesmaids usually give their joint gift to the bride, and she usually gives their individual gifts to them.
The wedding shower, on the other hand, involves all sorts of people, most of whom are not part of the bride’s actual wedding party, and it is specifically about giving gifts to the bride.
If there’s absolutely no time before the wedding, it’s OK to do it afterward, although this would likely be a coed shower/reception for the couple.
The ideal time to have a coworker shower is on one of the last days the bride will be at work before her wedding. Colleagues gather together, often on lunch hour or right after work, and chow down on refreshments (cake, cookies, fruit, tea, soft drinks) and present a group gift.
If you’re having a shower for a woman of your congregation, you probably know most of her friends. Unless her other friends and family are of the same faith, though, you might want to reconsider inviting “outsiders,” especially if you will be holding it at the church or using any sort of religious rituals during the party. Run it past the bride before you make any final decisions.
Not that you need to be reminded, but some religious groups have particular jargon that could make a few outsiders feel uncomfortable. Think about this and discuss it with your bride. This is NOT the time for making new converts. Further, if the bride is about to have an interfaith marriage and this is any sort of a bone of contention among the couple or their family, please refrain from inviting either his or her womenfolk, as to invite one without the other is rude. If this is the case, you would invite only immediate brethren of the same faith, even if her parents or his are part of your own belief system. The only exception would be if her mother/sister/aunt were an actual member of your local congregation.
If it is customary to pray before each meal in your faith, and the shower is being held in private, please go right ahead. But if it is customary and you are meeting in a public place for the shower, you simply must ask the bride how she will feel about praying in public before you choose to do so. Her choice must be honored. If God/your Deity is blessing this union, surely He/it will bless you for your love for and consideration of your spiritual sister’s emotional comfort.
Inviting the other women in your club or group is a given, but please ask the bride if there will also be other wedding showers before the Big Event. If there are not going to be, you have a social responsibility to invite the bride’s female family members, as well as the groom’s, and probably also her friends from elsewhere, like work or church.
However, if this shower is one of several, or if most of the people who will be at this shower won’t or can’t be at the wedding anyway, you can certainly leave it to just your group. Ask the bride what she prefers, and, of course, be considerate of her wishes.
If she’s expecting her first baby and her first wedding, why not combine the showers into one huge gala event? If it’s public knowledge that she’s expecting, this could lead to all sorts of fun ideas.
It would be totally appropriate, assuming it’s OK with the bride, to have women with children under three show up at this party. Older kids probably ought to stay somewhere else. But hire or lure some teenager to entertain the little ones while you and the soon-to-be-Mommy party. If the bride is totally petrified by the impending motherhood thing, then don’t even bother to ask—make it a Big People Only shower and focus on just typical wedding presents.
If it is the groom’s second marriage and the bride’s first, you need only take into consideration the extent of the groom’s possessions. If he already has a fully supplied residence, it would be pointless to have a shower and possibly cause the couple trouble in figuring out whose toaster to put in their now-joint kitchen. You’d want to throw a theme shower if that’s the case.
Please note it is certainly acceptable to throw as large and lavish a shower as you desire if it is the bride’s first wedding, despite the marital history of her groom.
In some cases, it is thought to be in bad taste to have a big wedding or a big shower or more than one shower for a woman who is remarrying. But if the couple-to-be is having a big wedding, there seems to be no logical reason not to have a shower, or more than one, of any size that pleases you and the bride’s other friends. Obviously, in the case of a small, private second wedding, it would not be appropriate to have an overwhelmingly large shower. You’ll have to use your own judgment.
Further, if the bride and groom already have set up households separately or together, you would not invite people to a shower and expect them to show up with the same sort of gifts they would for a young couple just getting out of school. I suggest you throw a theme party for a second shower—invite the guests to bring something fun and celebrate in the joy of second chances with your bride. Also, it is more typical to have a coed shower in the case of a second marriage.
Fifteen years ago, divorce was hushed up. But now that it’s open and accepted as part of life, remarriages are entitled to as much hoopla as you and the bride feel comfortable with. While you and the girls probably won’t be offering a grown woman new toasters and pillowcases as gifts (refer to the section on gifts for second marriage showers in Chapter 8), there’s just as much reason to celebrate the second marriage—and maybe more reason than the first.
A second marriage gives you the opportunity to celebrate the truism that
Remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience Live it up! Why ever not?
In our wonderful society, people are living longer—and loving longer—than ever before. Isn’t this great? A billboard near my home had a picture of a lovely gray-haired bride and groom, about to kiss. The motto of the insurance company who posted the billboard is “There is a plan for every life.” I thought the billboard was as touching as it was inspiring.
In the case of a senior shower, there are some basic things to remember that you might not have thought of, especially if you are much younger than the bride. First, make sure everything is easily accessible to people whose ability to walk and climb steps is impaired. Make sure the directions are especially clear, and use 14-point type, 1.5 spaced, to write them. Make sure the parking area is well lit and the house is clearly marked and illuminated. Don’t select music you like—select music your bride likes. Don’t plan on serving nuts, corn on the cob, or blueberries as crucial choices on the menu. (Dentures hate these items!) Don’t plan anything too risqué, unless you think the bride would get a kick out of it. Some of her friends might not.
Show deference by making sure there are plenty of comfortable seats that are easy to get into and out of–both squishy sofas and nice flat-based dining room chairs. Move tottering pedestal end tables and plant stands out of the way, and make sure to leave a wide path between seating areas and the bathroom.
The idea of making senior guests more comfortable is not condescending. Like the sign in the diner—”Don’t complain about our coffee. You’ll be old and weak yourself someday!” Even if your guests are vibrant, active, and fit, being considerate of the possible needs and potential embarrassment factors for some seniors is gracious of you and in impeccably good taste.
Have fun! After all this work, the party should unfurl close to perfectly! Make sure the food is hot or cold, the drinks don’t get too diluted, and no one gets drunk. Other than that, keep people fed and happy and everything will be a masterpiece. You may have discovered a new career option for yourself!
First, before planning a shower, you should ask the bride if she wants you to have it for her. Surprise showers are not ideal for many people, and they are a lot harder for you to plan. Further, the cat almost always gets out of the bag by accident anyway.
If you ask the bride and she says yes, then she is reasonably expected to do the following: She should provide you with a guest list that roughly matches the number of people you want to have. (Which means you have to tell her in advance—the average number is fifteen for a home shower.) She should give you about fifteen to twenty names, because not everyone will be able to make it. It’s kind of her responsibility to make sure no one she knows is invited to more than two showers, or it gets to be a drag for the poor guest.
She should also be pretty much OK with the type of shower you want to throw. Unless it’s way outside her comfort zone, this should be no problem.
And she needs to tell you the names/locations of the store(s) where she’s registered for gifts.
A long time ago, she was expected to personally write thank-you notes to each person who attended and gave a gift. But Emily Post has been gone a long time. Now it’s totally cool for her to just thank the people who are there, and probably write a brief thank-you to people who couldn’t attend but sent a gift anyway.
Also, gosh, a real pal might choose to stay and help you clean up a little, but she’s got so many other responsibilities right now that even if she offers, you’ll probably urge her to go home and get some sleep. Getting married is the easy part—planning the wedding is the stressful part for most brides. She’s probably exhausted.