“When one is pretending, the entire body revolts.”
—ANAÏS NIN
“Shame is a sickness of the soul.”
—SILVAN TOMKINS
YOU MAY HAVE HEARD THAT THE ONLY TYPE OF PERSON WHO would stay with an addict is someone who is codependent. This is simply not true in every case—there isn’t one type of partner any more than there is one type of substance-dependent person.
However, many partners of those who suffer from substance dependencies are what is normally referred to as codependent. In this chapter we are going to do for codependency what we’ve just done for addiction: look at it from a different perspective.
In some respects, everyone can be codependent at times—especially if they have a partner who is substance or activity dependent. It is extremely difficult to not step in and try to “fix” a partner who has an obvious problem—to stand by and watch someone you love self-destruct. And it is especially difficult to learn when to try to help and when to let go and allow them to save themselves.
One way to start shifting our perspective is to stop labeling those who exhibit certain types of behavior as “codependent.” So, from this point forward in the book, we will refer to such people as those who “practice codependent behavior,” “act in codependent ways,” or, regarding those who haven’t established a set pattern of codependent behavior, “have codependent tendencies.”
Societal norms lead many women to acquire what some would consider attributes of codependent behavior: caretaking and people-pleasing, not voicing their opinion for fear of being ridiculed or rejected, avoiding confrontation, and not expressing their own feelings for fear of hurting another person’s.
Beverly describes some of these behaviors in her book The Nice Girl Syndrome. A “nice girl” is more concerned about what others think of her than she is about what she thinks of herself, more concerned about other people’s feelings than she is about her own, and more concerned about giving people the benefit of the doubt than she is about trusting her own perceptions.
In the book Beverly outlines the four major reasons why women tend to become “nice girls”: biological, cultural, familial, and experiential.
Two of these influences are common to all women. Women are hardwired biologically to (generally) be more patient and compassionate and to value connection over confrontation. In her landmark studies, Harvard University professor Carol Gilligan came to the conclusion that “female passivity” is often instead the woman’s need to seek a solution that is most inclusive of everyone’s needs—“an act of care rather than the restraint of aggression.”
Our cultural beliefs reinforce and build on this. Girls are typically socialized to be polite, appropriate, pleasant, and agreeable—all the personality traits that characterize “nice girls.” In order to attain this culturally prescribed ideal, a teenage girl must put away a great many parts of herself. She stops speaking out and expressing her feelings. Instead, she focuses on trying to please others, especially those of the opposite sex.
The other two reasons are more individual. Familial beliefs—passed on to a child either directly or by witnessing parents’ and other family members’ behavior—include everything from the way people should treat one another to the role women play in a family. These messages and beliefs have a powerful influence on a girl’s thinking and behavior and can help shape who she becomes. Several common types of family situations can set a woman up to be a “nice girl”: having a passive mother, having an abusive or tyrannical father or older brother, or being raised in a strongly misogynistic family.
In addition, it is quite common for “nice girls” to have experienced physical, emotional, or sexual abuse in their childhood or as adults. Abuse and neglect tend to create certain unhealthy attitudes and beliefs that set women up to be “nice girls” and, often, victims. Here are a few examples:
• Blaming themselves when something goes wrong
• Doubting themselves, including their perceptions, knowledge, and beliefs
• Being overly naïve and trusting of others, even when someone has proven to be untrustworthy
• Believing that their needs are not as important as those of others, and that they should meet the needs of others (especially those of their partner and children) no matter what the consequences or hardships to themselves
Although we want to try to stay away from labels, we do have a need for some definitions. The term codependency has been around for a long time, and it means different things to different people.
One commonly used definition goes something like this: Codependency is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one’s relationships and quality of life. It also often involves being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others while putting one’s own needs at a lower priority.
If you are concerned that you may practice codependent thinking or behavior, especially in relating to your partner, consider the following checklist:
1. I place the needs of my partner before my own and sometimes to the exclusion of my own.
2. A great deal of my attenton is focused on pleasing my partner.
3. I am often more aware of how my partner is feeling than I am of how I am feeling.
4. My fear of rejection determines what I say and/or do.
5. My fear of my partner’s anger determines what I say and/or do.
6. I use giving and caretaking as a way of feeling safe in my relationship.
7. A great deal of my attention is focused on protecting my partner (making excuses for his behavior, canceling his appointments for him, and so on.).
8. A great deal of my attention is focused on solving my partner’s problems or relieving my partner’s pain.
9. A great deal of my attenton is focused on trying to “rescue” or change my partner.
10. A great deal of my attenton is focused on manipulating my partner into “doing things my way” (I know what he should do to solve his problems).
11. My good feelings about myself primarily stem from being liked, loved, or approved of by my partner.
12. My self-esteem is bolstered by taking care of my partner’s needs and relieving his pain.
13. I withhold thoughts, opinions, or feelings because of my fear of my partner’s reaction.
14. I have put my own interests and hobbies aside in order to spend time with my partner.
15. My social circle has diminished as I have involved myself with my partner and his problems.
16. I put my values aside in order to connect with my partner.
17. I value my partner’s opinion and ways of doing things more than my own.
18. I spend a great deal of time worrying about and obessing over my partner’s behavior.
Codependency exists on a continuum. Simple caretaking behaviors are on one end of the continuum, while far more destructive behaviors such as manipulation and controlling and abusive behaviors are on the other.
Everyone behaves in codependent ways from time to time, but some struggle with it more often and in more extreme ways. Where do you think you fit on the continuum, especially in relationship to your partner?
We believe that codependency is even more than a tendency to put one’s own needs aside in order to focus on the needs and problems of others: Codependency is a need to create a false self.
On one end of our codependency continuum, then, we have women who use “nice girl” behaviors because of a fear of being rejected, not fitting in, hurting someone else’s feelings, and so on. A woman on this end of the continuum pretends she is someone she is not in order to be accepted, pretends she wants to do things so she will be included, pretends to be a caretaker so she will be loved. She pretends she feels certain things so she won’t be rejected. She pretends to care so she can be in control. (Beverly wrote extensively about this tendency to pretend in her book Loving Him without Losing You.)
On the other end of our continuum we have people who suffer from so much shame that they dare not show their real selves. A person on this end of the continuum may have felt such a powerful need to hide her true self that she may no longer know who her real self is, or what her true feelings are. Afraid of being shamed further—of being exposed, judged, criticized, and ultimately rejected and abandoned—she can’t function as her real innate self but instead creates a false self that is centered around another person or persons.
Because shame—that overwhelming feeling of being exposed in a negative way, that feeling of humiliation that causes us to want to dig a hole and hide in it—is one of the most damaging and debilitating emotions one can experience, it is no wonder that we will go to such extreme lengths to do so. And such acute shame can cause the same profound feelings of deficiency, inferiority, unworthiness, and even self-loathing in both those who are substance dependent and those who have codependent tendencies. While those who are substance dependent use alcohol, drugs, or activities such as sex, gambling, or overeating to bury feelings of shame or to just feel “normal” in the presence of shame, codependents use their attachment and dependency on others to achieve the same goals.
It has often been noted that a woman who acts in codependent ways may be just as “addicted” to her partner as he is to his drug or activity of choice. In fact, some have called codependency a “love addiction.” Those who are addicted to love, relationships, and romance look to others to provide not only companionship, but distraction from their own lives, validation of their worthiness or lovableness, and even a reason to live.
Chris: In Recover to Live, my book about the seven toxic compulsions behind addiction, I classify codependency as the unofficial eighth toxic compulsion. Codependency and addiction have a lot in common, and I discovered in recovery that I had codependent tendencies as well. Getting a handle on my codependency has taken twice as long as it did for me to get clean and sober. For most people I know, that is the norm. If you have spent a lifetime believing that there is an answer to your human discomfort that exists outside yourself—in a pill, glass, or activity—it’s not hard to transfer that belief onto another person. Like codependents, those suffering from active addiction often utilize relationships, marriage, and parenthood as ways to avoid their primary issue—which is always themselves.
The bottom line? True codependency is a way to create a false self in order to avoid further shaming experiences and to compensate for feelings of shame. This false self is the persona or mask that the world sees. And those who create this false self become increasingly out of touch with their real self. This can lead to two secondary, but equally powerful problems: feelings of emptiness and lack of self-awareness.
Emptiness is usually felt as a vague experience of restlessness, boredom, or numbness. It can take the form of a feeling of being disconnected, as if you are just going through the motions or sleepwalking through life; a feeling of not belonging; or a feeling that your life is not important or lacks meaning.
If you have been out of touch with or denied your feelings for a long time, you may be overwhelmed with feelings of boredom or apathy when you are alone. Some people combat emptiness through success, power, accomplishments, or attention, thereby developing an insatiable need for validation, recognition, or understanding, and so when those needs are not being met, they feel anxious and empty.
Feelings of emptiness often underlie the fear of abandonment. And feelings of emptiness are intensified when we feel lonely or disassociated. Remember the findings of the Rat Park experiments: Humans have a powerful need for connection with others, and if we do not get that need fulfilled, we will look for anything to bond with, drugs or alcohol included. The same is true for those who behave in codependent ways. Because of feelings of disconnection—from the self and others—those with codependent tendencies attach themselves to another person in order to avoid feelings of emptiness.
Many people with codependent tendencies attempt to fill their emptiness by living through or controlling other people. Others are drawn to drama and conflict, often in the form of unavailable partners, substance-dependent partners, and abusers. While they claim to consider stable, healthy people boring, the truth is that they need all that drama and conflict to keep them from having to face their emptiness.
Those who suffer from codependent tendencies focus all their energy outside themselves—mostly on other people—because they are afraid of what they will find if they look inside themselves.
Perhaps not surprisingly, this creates a lack of self-awareness. If you’re doing everything you can to avoid what’s going on inside you, how can you know what you are feeling? And if you don’t know what you are feeling at any given time, how do you really know who you are, what you desire, or how to take care of yourself?
Using our definition of codependency—a need to create a false self in order to be accepted and loved and to avoid further shaming—we can see that codependent behavior is also a way for people to avoid dealing with certain issues, issues that often originate in childhood. Let’s examine these one by one.
As we’ve already seen, shame underscores many of the general emotional issues that those with codependent tendencies suffer from. When we feel shamed—when we feel, deep inside, exposed and unworthy—we want to hide. It shows in our bodies: We hang our heads, stoop our shoulders, and curve inward as if trying to become invisible. These physical manifestations are often accompanied by thoughts like “I’m a total failure” or “I’m so stupid.” People who have been deeply shamed take on the underlying, pervasive belief that they are defective, unacceptable, or unlovable.
Shame can also cause us to feel isolated. In many cultures historically, when people broke a society’s rules, they were banished. Being shamed feels like being banished—unworthy to be around others.
In addition to feeling separated from others, shame can cause us to feel separated from our real self. As a self-protective measure, we may create elaborate masks—smiling, pleasing others, trying to appear self-confident—in order to cover up our real self and have others see us as better than we feel we are.
Low self-esteem, a frequent result of chronic shame, is at the center of nearly all symptoms of codependent behavior. It affects our willingness to take care of ourselves, especially in relationships. It affects our ability to communicate our needs, feelings, and thoughts in clear, assertive ways, and it affects how we allow others to talk to us. It also affects our ability to set appropriate boundaries and even our belief that we have a right to set them.
If you have low self-esteem and perceive yourself as “less than” or unworthy of love and respect, you are likely to attract a partner who sees you in the same way. You may also be drawn to someone who is unavailable (for example, a man who is so dependent on a substance or activity that he has no time or energy for a real relationship). You will feel as if you don’t deserve to be loved and so will push away people who show you love. Or you might acknowledge that other people love you but not believe you are loved for your real self (“If he only knew the real me . . .”).
Many of those with codependent tendencies suffer from a fear of abandonment, usually brought on by actual abandonment—physical or emotional—as a child.
Physical or emotional abandonment can cause a child (and later, an adult) to feel afraid, lost, insecure, and overwhelmed when they have to be away from a loved one, even for a short time. While those without abandonment issues can be away from their partner for even extended periods of time without having an emotional meltdown, those who were abandoned suffer from so much fear and anxiety that they try to avoid separation as much as possible. One of the best ways to guarantee that you don’t have to experience separation is to become indispensable to your partner; that way, you think, he won’t want to be away from you.
It may seem like a contradiction to say that those with codependent tendencies have a fear of intimacy, since many are dependent and fearful of rejection or abandonment. But fear of intimacy is just the flip side of fear of abandonment: If you never become truly intimate with someone, you don’t have to risk having them reject or abandon you.
A fear of intimacy can manifest in surprising ways, such as continually choosing to be involved with those who are unavailable (married, unwilling to be faithful, unable to commit) or those who cannot become emotionally intimate or sustain such intimacy—including those who have substance or activity dependencies.
Many of those who suffer from codependent tendencies remain dependent on others for motivation, validation, and guidance on how they should live their lives. Although they may appear to be confident and successful on the outside, they are dependent on others’ approval to feel worthy and lovable.
Children who are not encouraged to become independent can become afraid to take risks, insecure about their ability to take care of themselves, and unable to trust their own instincts.
Those with codependent tendencies attempt to control other people, their environment, and their emotions. Their lives may feel so out of control that the only way they can gain a sense of control is to attempt to control others.
Shame can be a factor here as well. Those with codependent tendencies often try to control other people’s behaviors and feelings in order to feel better about themselves and to avoid their own shame. In fact, the greater their shame and emptiness, the greater their anxiety and thus the greater that need to control. They may try to be perfect, lest they be criticized by others and be further shamed. And because they perceive their partners as extensions of themselves, they require them to be perfect as well.
Those who are codependent are also motivated to control others because their very dependence leaves them feeling vulnerable. As a way of countering these vulnerable feelings, they may use control tactics that can become emotionally abusive, such as anger, blame, isolation, unreasonable demands, the silent treatment, and withholding attention, affection, money, or sex.
For those who have codependent tendencies, caretaking is actually a form of passive control and can be quite manipulative. Codependent caretaking, in contrast to genuine caregiving, stems from shame. It is an attempt by the codependent person to raise her self-esteem and increase her pride in herself by focusing on her partner and his flaws, thus allowing her to hide her needs, her feelings, and her own flaws, which she is too ashamed to reveal.
Codependent caretaking is giving in order to get love. In other words, there are strings attached to your giving: “I’ll give to you or I’ll help you so you’ll love and accept me.” You attend to others’ emotional needs by listening, advising, solving their problems, and accommodating their requests. You please others, take care of others, and self-sacrifice in order to ensure that you are needed and loved and, perhaps most important, that you won’t be abandoned.
You may go to great lengths to be needed—by your partner and your children, at your job, even with your friends. You make yourself indispensable. You give more than is required because you don’t feel needed, valued, or lovable unless you do.
Some go to the extreme of making helping others an obsession, such as offering advice or help when it is unsolicited and even not wanted. In return they want acknowledgment, gratitude, and love, and if they don’t receive it, they feel unappreciated, resentful, and angry.
In a relationship with a partner who has a substance or activity dependence, caretaking and control issues can escalate. The more you do for your partner—the more you rescue him from the negative consequences of his substance use by doing things like making excuses for his being late or hiding his drinking from family members—the more his irresponsible and self-destructive behaviors drive your need for control. You become increasingly frustrated, angry, and desperate. Even those who are truly motivated by love can begin to blame and judge and try to change their partner in order to avoid their own deeper feelings of pain and inadequacy. But all your efforts to change your partner by nagging and blaming only heap more shame on him and provide him with a welcome justification to blame and abuse you and to continue using.
Do you identify with any of the issues we’ve just discussed? Answering this question is, of course, easier said than done, since if you do suffer from codependent behaviors, you may feel disconnected from yourself and your true feelings. But if you do identify with these issues, and you can break through your fears and resistance to face them, you will be taking a giant step in the direction of your own healing—as well as the healing of your relationship.
While you may not wish to label yourself a “codependent,” if you have certain codependent behaviors or tendencies, they need to be addressed if you wish to be as helpful as possible to your partner, as well as be an emotionally healthy person. Of course, some codependent behaviors are much more detrimental to both you and your substance-dependent partner than others. A need to be in control can cause you to become bossy or demanding, insisting that he get help or that he get home at a certain hour, threatening to leave if he doesn’t “shape up.” As we have discussed, and you have no doubt discovered, these tactics do not work—in fact, they more often backfire, making your partner rebellious.
Just as those who are substance dependent look to a substance or activity to provide relief, self-soothing, and stress reduction, you may look to your partner and your relationship for the same reasons. This might be a fair assessment for many of you reading this book. It is much easier to focus on your partner’s problems than to look at your own. In fact, your partner’s issues may just be a distraction that helps you avoid yourself and your own issues.
These words are not meant to be a criticism. Rather, they are an attempt to help you understand yourself better and hopefully be a catalyst for a major shift in your thinking. The point is this: It is likely that you need as much help as your partner. And just as we encourage you to have compassion for your partner’s dependency and the suffering that drives it, you deserve compassion for yours, too.
The first and perhaps most important step in changing your codependent behavior is to work on having compassion for yourself. One of the ways of doing this is to gain more understanding for why you are the way you are. Self-compassion naturally follows self-understanding.
When you uncover and heal the source of the shame that underlies your codependent behavior and thinking, you free your real self to emerge. This means you can (1) stop pretending, (2) stop taking care of others as a way to prove your worthiness, (3) stop trying to be perfect to avoid further shaming, and (4) stop trying to make yourself indispensable in order to avoid being rejected or abandoned.
Our false (codependent) self is usually rooted in childhood and due to one of the following circumstances:
1. Having codependent parents. Codependent parents tend to have weak interpersonal boundaries—that is, they see their child as an extension of themselves—or are unable to empathize and instead use their child to meet their own needs, build up their self-esteem, and fulfill their ideals.
Healthy parents understand that they need to support their child’s sense of separateness. This means that they gradually begin to let go of control and trust that their child will do the right thing and take care of themselves. They also encourage and accept their child’s uniqueness by respecting their individual thoughts, feelings, and needs rather than trying to make them into replicas of themselves.
Unfortunately, some parents are limited by their own unmet emotional needs and lack of individuation. Some look to their children for the validation, self-esteem, comfort, or companionship they did not receive from their own parents. Others resist their child’s efforts to set boundaries or spread their wings by being overly protective or overly possessive. Some parents have their own abandonment issues, and when these are triggered they have difficulty letting go, undermining their child’s independence by telling them things like “You’re going to get hurt” or “You only think of yourself.”
2. Lack of parental validation. Because your parents did not validate your real self, including your feelings, needs, and perceptions, you may have begun to believe that your feelings and needs were wrong or unimportant. To obtain connection and approval from your parents, you may have suppressed your true feelings, needs, and wants, which may in turn have impaired the healthy growth of an autonomous self. “As your real self started to disappear, codependency was born, impeding your natural individuation—the process of owning and trusting perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and memories and becoming a separate individual cognitively, emotionally, and psychologically.”22
A persistent failure on a parent’s part to empathize with and validate a child’s real self can also generate shame in a child. When a child doesn’t feel understood or doesn’t observe validation in her parent’s facial expression, voice, and touch, she feels unlovable and alone. And because her parents have not acknowledged and validated her feelings or have criticized them, she will tend to question her own thoughts and feelings, thus becoming more and more disconnected from herself.
3. Emotional or physical abandonment. When emotional and/or physical abandonment recurs on a regular basis, a child can become overwhelmed with shame and lose the connection with her real self.
While emotional neglect—receiving little or no affection or physical nurturing, not being listened to or focused on—is a clear case of emotional abandonment, a parent’s lack of emotional connection to his or her child can also be felt as abandonment. Some mothers, for example, are unable to emotionally bond with their infants, often because their own mother was unable to bond with them. In other situations, children may be aware that their parents did not plan to have them and still do not want them. Children tend to blame themselves for their parents’ lack of concern or caring, assuming that there is something about them that is unacceptable or unlovable—that they are simply bad, inadequate, unimportant, or unworthy of a loving relationship.
Physical abandonment by a parent, whether it is complete abandonment in the case of a parent permanently leaving a child in the care of someone else or frequently leaving a child alone while they are at work or at the bar, can cause a child to fear being alone and fear rejection as an adult, thus causing her to cling to even the most abusive or substance-dependent partner.
4. Other neglect or abuse in childhood. There is a strong correlation between codependent behavior and childhood trauma such as child abuse and neglect. For this reason it is important for you to look closely at the possibility that you were neglected or abused—if you are not already aware of it.
If you were physically or sexually abused as a child, you are probably aware of it and you probably suffer from the effects of that abuse every day. But there are other, less obvious forms of abuse that you may not be aware of, and they can be just as damaging as physical and sexual abuse. Please refer to Appendix I for more information on exactly what constitutes child abuse.
If you were abused or neglected in childhood, it is highly possible that this abuse has at least contributed to if not caused your codependent behavior or ways of thinking. You’ve likely noticed a strong similarity between the types of issues and behaviors we’ve described concerning codependency and the items outlined in the following sections.
See if you recognize the following behaviors in yourself and then try to connect these behaviors with your experiences of neglect or abuse.
Abused children tend to become hypervigilant, meaning that they are so afraid of being yelled at, criticized, hit, or otherwise abused that they are on constant alert for signs that their abusive parent is getting upset. This state of hyperarousal can stay with an abused child well into adulthood, causing her to carefully watch her partner for any signs of disapproval, indications that he might be getting upset, or signals that he might be preparing to engage in substance abuse or compulsive behavior.
“I watch my partner too closely, making him feel like he is ‘under a microscope.’ I realize now that I do this because as a child I got in the habit of watching my father closely to see if he was getting angry. When I saw signs of anger on his face I made sure I got as far away from him as I could get.”
Being hypervigilant in turn causes a child to become externally focused as a method of self-protection. An externally focused person is so intent on the moods, needs, and feelings of her partner that she ignores (or may not even be aware of) her own.
Children who are abused are taught that their abuser’s feelings, needs, and desires supersede their own. This is especially true for children who are sexually abused.
“I constantly focus on my partner’s behavior instead of my own. I scrutinize his behavior to see if he is doing anything wrong. I now realize that in a weird way I do this so I don’t get into trouble, since I see him as an extension of myself.”
Along with being hypervigilant and developing an external focus, abused and neglected children learn to do whatever it takes to please their parents, either in order to avoid their anger or punishment or as a way of getting much-needed attention. Children who adopt this behavior, commonly referred to as people pleasing, tend to carry it forward into adulthood.
“I constantly try to please my husband (and others) and then I become angry when he doesn’t return the favor. I build up resentment and take on a ‘poor me’ attitude. I realize now that the only way I could get any attention or love from my mother was to be the ‘good little girl’ and go out of my way to do things for her that I knew she liked, such as cleaning the house and taking care of my siblings. I also realize that I’m angry at my mother for not loving me for who I am, and a lot of that anger comes out at my husband.”
When a child is emotionally and/or physically neglected—when her parents ignore her when she talks and fail to provide her with physical affection or to satisfy her need for comfort or adequate food, shelter, or clothing—a child comes to the conclusion that she is unlovable. After all, she reasons, if her own parents don’t love her, there must be something wrong with her.
Because she feels so bad about herself, it is highly likely that an abused or neglected child will attract and be attracted to men who do not respect her or even to men who treat her the way her parents treated her, either abusing her or neglecting her. She feels so bad about herself that she doesn’t believe she deserves to be treated with respect, kindness, and consideration.
If one or both of a child’s parents were addicted to a substance (alcohol, drugs) or an activity (work, gambling), and this contributed to them being either neglectful or abusive, the child may grow up to marry a replica of this parent.
“I now realize that I married my husband because I didn’t believe I deserved any better. I knew he had a drinking problem when I married him, but he was the only man who had proposed to me. My mother always told me that no man could ever love me, and I guess I believed her.”
As we have seen, child abuse and neglect cause children to feel horrific shame, which can negatively affect their self-esteem, their belief in themselves, their ability to learn, and their belief that they deserve good things. These self-beliefs can profoundly affect motivation and success in school and in professional endeavors. Even if an abused child experiences success, it is likely that her low self-worth will cause her to still feel disappointed in herself and her achievements. This can lead her to focus instead on her partner’s abilities and success. Abused children may be drawn to powerful, successful partners as a way of compensating for what they perceive as their failures or even as a way of vicariously living through them.
“I married my husband because he owned a successful business and everyone around him looked up to him. I thought marrying him would help me feel better about myself since my parents mistreated me and abandoned me and made me feel like I was worthless. Unfortunately, I failed to see that he was controlling and neglectful, just like my parents. Even when I came to my senses and realized what I had done, I felt so bad about myself that I put up with his behavior but resented him for it, just like I resented my parents.”
Shame anxiety is the anticipation of experiencing shame and abandonment. The fear of further shaming can make former abuse victims act overly solicitous and helpful and become hypersensitive to any sign of disapproval or abandonment from others. They tend to fret about what they will say or do, or see hidden meanings in other people’s reactions.
Some people who were abused in childhood grow up to be perfectionists. Their focus on doing everything absolutely perfectly is an attempt to guarantee their safety; if they never make a mistake, they believe, they will not give others a reason to punish or shame them again.
Some carry this need for perfection to an extreme and become controlling of others. For example, if they took on the role of protector of younger siblings, they may have tried to protect them by controlling their siblings’ behavior (inspecting their faces and teeth to make sure they were clean in order to avoid them being yelled at by their mother, making sure they did their chores in order to prevent them from being hit by their father).
Another reason former abuse victims may become controlling, especially in personal relationships, is that they felt out of control during their childhood—for example, if they came from a chaotic household where their parents often fought with one another or where one or both of their parents drank alcohol to excess or abused drugs.
“My mother was always criticizing me. I could never please her no matter how hard I tried. And so I became a perfectionist. I did everything perfectly so she couldn’t find fault in me. I realize now that I transferred my own need to be perfect to a need for my partner to be perfect, too, and this caused me to become controlling, critical, and even emotionally abusive at times—just like my mother.”
Abuse victims who had a parent or parents with a substance problem may have taken on the role of the “fixer” in their home: putting a drunk parent to bed, taking care of siblings because a parent was passed out, making excuses for a parent’s behavior when people asked about him. As an adult they may unconsciously seek out the same “fixer” role by marrying or becoming involved with someone with a substance problem.
“My parents were both alcoholics, and I essentially grew up parenting my two siblings, keeping the house clean, and cooking all the meals. I got a sense of accomplishment for playing that role, so I continued it into adulthood. I ended up doing my friends’ homework in high school and I was always the one to drive when my friends were too drunk. People always came to me with their problems. When I met my husband I realize now that I just continued this pattern. He always had problems and I was always the one to solve them. Now I’m trying to do it with his drug problem.”
1. Think about how the behavior you took on as a way of coping with childhood neglect or abuse could have turned into some of the codependent behaviors you now exhibit.
2. Make a list of these behaviors and “connect the dots” between your childhood experiences and your current codependent behaviors.
As you’ve learned, codependent behavior and codependent thinking are really about you, not your partner. Codependency is a way of avoiding your own problems—of taking your focus off yourself and putting it on him.
It is much easier to recognize what is wrong with someone else, and it is much easier to come up with ideas about how the other person can solve their problems, than it is to recognize and address our own issues. If we do manage to actually focus on ourselves long enough to see our faults and shortcomings, we often make excuses for ourselves and rationalize our actions (or inaction). We compare ourselves with others and convince ourselves that since others have the same problems, ours are not so bad. Sometimes we even convince ourselves that we are better than other people.
The truth is, you may be lying to yourself. You may be pretending you are okay when underneath your avoidance, your excuses, and perhaps your bravado, you know you have issues you need to work on. If you were willing and able to focus on yourself, you probably wouldn’t have time to put so much focus on your partner’s problems. You wouldn’t have as much time to count how many drinks he has, or how much food he is eating, or whether or not he is watching porn. You would offer your partner help when and if he needed it, but then you would go back to solving your own problems.
If you think you may exhibit codependent behaviors or thinking, a good way to begin focusing on and working through your own issues is to ask yourself the following questions:
1. What issues might I be avoiding by focusing so much attention on my partner’s problems?
2. Are there wounds from my childhood that I have never addressed? Examples: childhood neglect, abandonment, abuse
3. Are there issues from my childhood that I started to address but put aside when I got involved with my partner or when his problems became evident?
4. In addition to my codependent behavior and thinking, do I have a dependency problem that I do not currently address sufficiently, or at all? Examples: a dependency on sugar, coffee, cigarettes, shopping, hoarding
5. What might be the underlying reasons that I became involved with my partner? Examples: my father was an alcoholic and I’m trying to rescue my husband because I couldn’t rescue him, my mother was verbally abusive in the same way my husband gets when he’s using drugs, I was sexually abused as a child and my partner has a sex addiction
As you continue with this book and with your attempts to help your partner, be on the lookout for codependent behaviors and ways of thinking in yourself. Remember that while you are supporting your partner in his recovery, it is also important that you focus on your own.
In the next chapter you will begin to learn how to shift your codependent behaviors to compassionate ones. As you learn to practice these compassionate behaviors toward your partner, remember to apply them to yourself as well.