Emily Post’s The Etiquette Advantage in Business, Third Edition

The decision whether to meet over breakfast, lunch, or dinner depends mainly on which of these meals best fits the time constraints of the participants. Also, take into account what you wish to accomplish. A breakfast gathering, for example, may be ideal if the aim is a quick, straight-to-the-point meeting—while evening is undoubtedly the best time for a more leisurely paced business meal.

A breakfast meeting has real benefits: Many people are at their sharpest early in the morning. As with lunch, the timing of a morning meeting helps it stay short and focused. Unlike lunch, it barely interrupts the workday, if at all. Plus, breakfast is less costly than either lunch or dinner.

A business breakfast can be held at any location that is handy to both host and guest: a restaurant or coffee shop, a hotel dining room, or perhaps a private club. If it’s convenient for all concerned, guests can even be invited to breakfast in the host’s office. Putting out a selection of Danishes or muffins and coffee, tea, or juice requires little preparation and lends the meeting the affable touch of an away-from-the-office meal. Business is discussed once orders have been taken or as soon as attendees have helped themselves. Let the host or meeting organizer start the discussion.

Lunch is the traditional workhorse of business meals. Because the participants have to return to the office, the meeting stays relatively short and focused. There are other advantages as well: Unlike a business dinner, lunch is faster-paced, it doesn’t cut into someone’s personal time, and it doesn’t raise the issue of the inclusion of a spouse or significant other.

The typical business lunch lasts from just over an hour to two hours, but a participant who is on a tight schedule shouldn’t take this for granted. Let the host know at the time of the invitation about any known conflicts or time constraints. If a last-minute conflict arises that could affect how long you can stay, you should say so at the start of the meal. “Before we get busy, I have a meeting at the office at one thirty—bad luck, I know, but it was called at the last minute.” (Note: The excuse should be real, not made up.)

THE NO-SHOW

If it’s fifteen to twenty minutes after the appointed time and your lunch or dinner guest hasn’t shown up, phone his office. If he’s not there and an assistant can’t tell you his whereabouts, wait another half hour at most. Then write a note and leave it with the maître d’: “Jim, I waited almost an hour and hope everything’s all right. Would you please give me a call at the office? Natalie.” Before you leave, tip the maître d’ ($10–$20 is usually appropriate); doing so acknowledges you’ve held a table that would otherwise have been occupied by paying customers. Later, when the no-show phones to explain, don’t sound annoyed or out of sorts. Simply accept his apologies and reschedule the meal.

If you are running late, call or text your dining companion’s cell phone, or if it’s after the appointed time, call the restaurant to alert the maître d’ and let your companion know you are on the way. When you finally arrive, don’t waste even more time by offering an elaborate excuse; a quick but sincere apology will do.

Whether it takes place at a table for two or involves a large group, the business dinner is considered a premier event and is generally oriented toward camaraderie. Because no one has to get back to work, dinner also proceeds at a more leisurely pace. The longer time span also can be an advantage when doing serious business is the goal of the dinner.

Dinner is the most meaningful meal with which to mark special occasions—the retirement of a long-time employee, for instance, or the welcome of a new client into the fold. It is also the more logical choice when entertaining a business associate from out of town who is traveling with his or her spouse.

On occasions such as these, business will doubtless come up as a conversational topic, but the aim is usually the strengthening of relationships, with an eye on mutual rewards to be gained in the future.

The ultimate reason for getting your table manners down cold is that it leaves you free to concentrate on the most important task of any social or business meal, which is to participate. This means being focused on the conversation. You don’t want to dominate the discussion, particularly if you are a junior member of the party, but you do want to make comments and ask questions. When the table isn’t involved in a general discussion, it’s tempting to talk just to one person next to you. But don’t give into that temptation. Instead, be a good conversationalist with the people seated on both sides of you.

As the host: It’s your job to steer the conversation, to suggest topics for discussion, and to make sure that everyone at the table is given the opportunity to be part of the general conversation.

RESTAURANT PREMEAL PREP FOR THE HOST

When you’re hosting a business meal, a little careful preparation will go a long way toward making the occasion a success. Here are some thoughts to keep in mind:

CONSIDER YOUR GUEST’S TASTE. If possible, find out whether your guest(s) especially likes or dislikes certain foods or ethnic cuisines. You can simply ask when extending the invitation; or a call to an assistant might give you the answer. You could also give your guest a choice of two or three restaurants. If you’re hosting a group, choose a restaurant with a wide-ranging menu so that everyone invited can find something to his or her taste.

CHOOSE A RESTAURANT YOU KNOW. Even a popular new place with the hottest chef in town may have snail-like service or be so noisy or cramped that it’s hard to carry on a conversation. Also keep in mind that if anyone is going to travel fairly far to reach the restaurant, it should be you and not your guest.

INVITE WELL IN ADVANCE. You or your assistant should arrange any business meal at least a week in advance, so that the guest can fit it into his or her schedule and have time to prepare for the meeting.

MAKE IT CLEAR THAT YOU ARE—OR AREN’T—THE HOST. So there is no question about who’s footing the bill, ask, “Will you be my guest for lunch?” On the other hand, if you and the other person see each other frequently and have developed a close working relationship, you may want to go take turns paying or split the check. If so, a simple “Do you want to have lunch next Tuesday?” or “How about if we split lunch next week?” is a graceful way to suggest this.

TELL YOUR GUEST WHAT TO EXPECT. So that your meal partner can prepare and bring along any pertinent materials, be specific about business topics you want to discuss and how deeply you’ll be delving into them.

RESERVE A TABLE AHEAD OF TIME. Failing to reserve a table risks getting the meal off to a late start—a real problem at lunch or breakfast, where time is at a premium. If you have a preference for seating—a spot that’s especially quiet, for example—make your request when you make your reservation.

RECONFIRM WITH YOUR GUEST. This is a must, saving real embarrassment later on. Call on the morning of a lunch or dinner; if you’ve scheduled breakfast, call the day before.

As a guest, the first thing you should do is respond to the invitation. If it’s a phone call, you can simply accept, reject, or delay your answer on the spot. But if it’s a voice mail or written invitation, you have an obligation to respond in a timely manner

Best practice is to contact the host within twenty-four hours of receiving an invitation.

The impression you make on your business meal companions starts when you first arrive at the restaurant. In fact, the very first things you do are critical to the success of the rest of the meal. When you start off on the right foot, you can quickly focus on building a great relationship. Start off on the wrong foot, on the other hand—by being late, for example—and you’ll have to spend valuable time trying to recover rather than building rapport.

DON’T BE LATE. It’s appropriate that this is the first rule of table etiquette. It may also be the most important. Arriving even five or ten minutes late leaves a bad impression; any later than that sends a clear message of carelessness and thoughtlessness.

DRESS APPROPRIATELY. Show respect for your host or guests by looking sharp. This is a time to dress up a little rather than dress down. Pay attention to grooming as well—clean hands and face, combed hair, fresh breath.

WAIT. If your host hasn’t arrived, wait in the lobby or waiting area for her. Don’t go to the table or the bar and wait there. However, when the establishment is filling up and you, as a guest, are advised by the restaurant staff that it is best to sit at the table, it’s okay to do so, but don’t order anything until your host arrives.

As the host: Wait for your guests in the lobby. If some of your guests have already arrived, you should wait in the lobby only until the time of your reservation. Then proceed to the table and have the maître d’ or waiter escort the late guests in when they arrive.

TABLE LOCATION. The host deals with table selection. As a guest, do not check out the table location and then suggest that the waiter or maître d’ change it. Your host may have asked for that table for a reason; it’s not up to you to second-guess her.

LOOK TO THE HOST FOR SEATING ASSIGNMENTS. Your host may have a specific seating arrangement in mind, so you should let him point you in the right direction.

As the host: Be prepared to indicate where people should sit. The guest of honor—the client, the talent, the CEO—should sit in the best seat at the table. Usually that is one with the back of the chair to the wall so that the guest of honor won’t be sitting in a traffic area with waiters and busboys passing behind him or her. Once the guest of honor’s seat is determined, the host should sit to his or her left. Other people are then offered seats around the table. If spouses are with you at a business dinner, the male host has the female guest of honor sit to his right while the female host has the male guest of honor sit to her right.

SHOULD A MAN HOLD A CHAIR FOR A WOMAN?

When sitting down for a business breakfast, lunch, or dinner, a man can easily make the error of trying to hold a chair when the woman doesn’t want him to—or just as easily make the mistake of not holding a chair for a woman who believes such a gesture is an integral part of the man’s role, whatever the setting. What to do?

Communication is the answer. As the man and woman approach the table, the man simply says, “May I get the chair for you?” Now she can make the choice: “Why, yes. How thoughtful. Thank you.” Or “No, thank you, but it was nice of you to offer.” Instead of a confusing, awkward moment, the situation passes without a hitch, and they can focus on building a better relationship—which, after all, is the primary purpose of any business-related encounter.

THE BLACK NAPKIN: WHAT IS IT?

Most restaurants set their tables with white cloth napkins. Unfortunately, sometimes these napkins can leave white lint on people’s dark/black clothing. To remedy this situation and not frustrate patrons, many restaurants stock alternative black napkins. If you are wearing dark/black pants, skirt, or dress, you can request a black napkin instead of the white one if you see them employed by other patrons. Some waitpersons will recognize the situation and ask you if you prefer a black napkin before you request one.

THE ONE-DRINK RULE

A word of caution: Alcohol creeps up on you unexpectedly. Nobody goes out to a business meal thinking that they are going to get drunk and do things for which they will have to apologize the next day.

But it happens. And when it happens, business can be lost, jobs put in jeopardy, and promotions put on hold.

The only way to avoid the problem is to follow the one-drink rule: Limit yourself to one drink during the evening or don’t drink at all. The days of the “three-martini lunch” and “keeping up” are over. People choose not to drink for personal, health, or religious reasons, so being a nondrinker or limiting yourself to one drink is readily understood in the business world.

Once you are settled in your seats, you can expect a waiter to come to the table to take drink orders. The waiter may also bring menus if the food hasn’t already been ordered for you. Now you are faced with your first decision: Do I order an alcoholic beverage or not? Consider carefully the benefits of the “one-drink rule” and what you’ll do if the waitperson asks you for your drink order before asking your host or others at the table.

WHAT SHOULD YOU ORDER? If you are a junior executive at the table and a waitperson asks you first, err on the side of caution and order something nonalcoholic. As the first person to order, you don’t want to be in the situation where you are the only person at the table to order alcohol. If others, including your boss, order an alcoholic drink, you can either quietly change your order before the server leaves the table or opt not to have alcohol before the meal. Either choice is appropriate.

As the host: When the server asks for drink orders, let your guests know your expectations for drinking at the table. By saying, “While John is deciding, I’ll order. I’d like an iced tea, please,” the host is signaling that this is a working meal where drinking isn’t appropriate. Conversely, by saying, “While John’s deciding, I think I’d like to order a Pinot Grigio,” you’ve given your guests the signal that they may feel comfortable ordering something alcoholic if they wish. If you don’t drink but would like your guests to be comfortable ordering cocktails, you can say, “John, please feel free to enjoy a glass of wine or a drink.”

WHAT SHOULD YOU ORDER? As you look over the menu, keep in mind four important guidelines to ordering:

1. Order medium-price dishes, not the most expensive items on the menu.

2. Know the food you are ordering. This isn’t the time to be adventuresome and order something you’ve never had before. Not only might you not like it, but it also might be difficult to eat. You want your focus to be on the people at the table, not on your food.

3. Order food that is relatively easy to eat. Linguine with clam sauce is very tasty, but eating linguine is a challenge that’s nearly certain to leave your tie or blouse spattered with sauce.

4. Opt for something you can eat with a fork and knife. While a burger might be on the menu, unless you plan to eat it with your fork and knife, it’s best to leave “hand food” for a nonbusiness meal.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN . . .

It’s the rare restaurant meal during which at least one perplexing question doesn’t arise (“Should I ask for a to-go bag?”) or a glitch doesn’t occur (“Is that something in my water?”). These pointers will help you cope:

THE FOOD ARRIVES AT DIFFERENT TIMES. At a business meal with a colleague or client, if your dining partner’s food arrives before yours does, encourage her to eat it before it gets cold. Likewise, if your own food has to be sent back for any reason, urge her to continue eating. If you are at a meal with your boss or other people who rank higher than you, wait for a signal from them that you may begin eating. At a meal with people of similar rank, if three or so people at a large table receive their food and there is a wait for the rest, they may start eating so their meals won’t get cold. At a buffet, it is acceptable to start eating once you have returned to the table.

YOUR FORK OR GLASS IS UNCLEAN. If your yet-to-be-filled water goblet seems soiled or any utensil is unclean, don’t announce it to everyone at the table—especially the host. The next time a server stops by, discreetly ask for a replacement.

YOU SPOT A HAIR OR A BUG. If there is a speck floating in your water or a hair or a pest of some kind in your food, simply refrain from drinking or put down your fork until you catch the attention of the waiter. While it’s probably impossible to keep the rest of the table from knowing something is amiss, try your best not to cause a fuss.

YOUR DINING PARTNER HAS FOOD ON HIS FACE. If you notice a speck of food on someone’s face (or, in the case of a man, on his beard), you’re doing him a favor by subtly calling attention to it. Do so with a light “Oops, there’s something on your cheek.” You might signal silently by cocking an eyebrow while using your index finger to lightly tap your chin or whatever part of the face is affected. As prevention for yourself, the occasional dab with your napkin will help ensure no wayward bits of food stay put for long.

YOU HAVE SOMETHING STUCK IN YOUR TEETH. Occasionally running your tongue over your teeth may let you know whether you have food (the usual culprits: spinach or poppy seeds) caught between your teeth. You can try using your tongue to remove it. If the food stays put, it may be better to excuse yourself from the table and go to the restroom to remove it rather than worrying about it for the rest of the meal or rummaging around in your mouth with your finger or napkin.

YOU’RE FINISHED, BUT YOUR PLATE IS STILL HALF FULL. At a business meal, forget the to-go bag unless you’re dining with a good friend and the two of you are splitting the check or paying for your own meals. Even then, don’t load up the bag with butter, sugar packets, or any other ancillary items.

As the host: Give your guests guidance about ordering. You can let them know what you are ordering. For instance, ordering an appetizer says to the others that it’s okay for them to order one, too. Point out items on the menu that you recommend. You’re at a steak house and you know the New York strip is fabulous. By mentioning it, you give them permission to order it.

PAY AHEAD OF TIME

Nothing is more impressive than to be able to say at the end of a meal, “Kelly, Jim, I’ve enjoyed our conversation. I think it’s been a productive meal as well as an enjoyable one. Thank you for joining me.” And then simply rise to indicate it’s time to leave. If they ask about the check, you can say, “It’s all taken care of.” Instead of having to fumble with your cash or a credit card and calculate a tip, you can stay focused on your guests. To do this, simply ask at the time you make your reservation how you can best arrange for payment ahead of time—and then ask the restaurant to add a 20 percent gratuity to the bill.

WHAT IF THE MENU IS PREARRANGED AND YOU HAVE A SPECIAL DIETARY NEED? If, for instance, you are a vegetarian, it is perfectly acceptable to quietly ask the waiter whether there is a vegetarian selection available. If there isn’t, you can ask him or her to bring you a plate without meat on it. The key is to make your request known without making a big deal out of it.

IS THERE ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO ORDER? As you listen to other people ordering, you realize they are all having an appetizer, a salad, and a main course—while all you want is a main course. There is no requirement for you to order any course you don’t want. Simply order the main course and politely say “No, thank you” if you are asked whether you want anything else.

When the meal is through, you still have several things to think about as you prepare to leave the restaurant, mainly taking care of the check.

WHO PAYS? The person who does the inviting does the paying. If someone invites you to lunch and the server places the check on the table, don’t make a grab for it. Let the person who invited you have the opportunity to pick up the check and deal with it.

WHAT IF THE SERVER GIVES THE CHECK TO YOUR GUEST? This is an especially common situation when the host is female and the guest is male. In this case, be firm and say, “Jim, I invited you to lunch. Please let me have the check. I’ll take care of it.” A simple way to prevent this from happening, whether you are male or female, is to let the server or maître d’ know in advance that the check should be brought to you. Alternatively, near the end of the meal, excuse yourself to the restroom. On your way there, give your credit card to the waitperson and ask her to prepare the check, add a 20 percent gratuity, and have it ready for you to sign on your way back to the table. It’s particularly nice when the check never comes to the table and you can keep your focus on your guests instead of figuring the tip and paying the check.

TIPPING

Whoever is paying the bill should check to see if a gratuity has already been included in the total—something that is standard procedure at some restaurants especially for groups of six or more people. You’ll often be tipping not only the waiter but other restaurant staff as well. (See also “How Much to Tip”.) Tip according to these general guidelines:

• THE WAITER OR WAITRESS. Twenty percent is the standard tip today.

• HEADWAITER/CAPTAIN. You may occasionally have a head waiter or captain take your order while your waiter will bring the food to your table. As tips are pooled you can leave a single tip. Or if you choose to tip the head waiter or captain separately, give the waiter the standard tip and add a 10 percent captain’s tip separately on your receipt.

• THE SOMMELIER, OR WINE STEWARD. An appropriate tip is 15–20 percent of the cost of the bottle. If you buy more than one bottle, you tip on the total cost of the wine, not just the first bottle. If you tip a sommelier directly, remember to deduct the cost of the wine from the bill before figuring the tip for the waitstaff.

• THE BARTENDER. Tip 15–20 percent of the tab or a minimum of $1 per glass of beer or wine and $2 per mixed drink.

• THE COATROOM ATTENDANT. A tip of $2 is appropriate for the first coat and $1 more per additional coat.

• THE PARKING VALET OR GARAGE ATTENDANT. A $2–$5 tip is paid when your car is returned.

DO YOU WRITE A THANK-YOU NOTE? In addition to saying a gracious “thank you” to the host at the end of the meal, a note sent by the guest serves as a thank-you for the meal and an enjoyable time, as well as a confirmation of any decisions that were made. A follow-up phone call could be made instead, but a note has two advantages: It doesn’t interrupt the other person’s day, and it comes across as warmer and more gracious. (See “Expressing Thanks,” and “The Thank-You Note”.)

As the host: A gracious way to reconnect with your guest is to send him a note the next day thanking him for joining you for lunch. It’s an opportunity to reiterate a point or two you made during the meal and to gently let him know you will be contacting him soon.

DO YOU HAVE TO RECIPROCATE WITH AN INVITATION? Does inviting someone to a business lunch, dinner, or breakfast mean they are obligated to reciprocate tit for tat? Not necessarily. The rules governing the reciprocation of invitations vary from situation to situation.

• You are not expected to repay an invitation to a strictly business meal (especially one charged to an expense account), no matter who invited you—a customer, a client, or your boss. But you may certainly do so if you have continuing business together.

• A client who is entertained by a salesperson or supplier is not expected to return the invitation, even if his or her spouse or family was invited.

• Do return social invitations from coworkers and other business associates, whether they’ve extended the hand of friendship to cement a business relationship or you simply enjoy one another’s company away from the office. But you have some leeway in how you reciprocate. For example, you could have your colleague join you for a cookout at your house as your thank-you for a restaurant dinner.

A handwritten thank-you note sent the next day to express your appreciation for being hosted at a business meal accomplishes two things: It sets you apart from your competition, in cases where they don’t send notes, and it gives you a reason to make another contact with your host—which keeps you at the top of her mind in a very positive way. (see “Do You Write a Thank-You Note?”.)

HOSTING OR PARTICIPATING AT THE BUSINESS MEAL