Transforming our speech, actions, and livelihood
Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.1
Transforming our speech, actions, and livelihood is part of the ethical and moral spring-cleaning we need to do to help maintain recovery and cultivate sobriety of mind. We explore these three aspects as gateways to recovery. We need to become aware of our ethical life and its consequences if we are to maintain our abstinence and sobriety of mind.
Our thoughts and emotions drive our actions
In Step Two, we explored the impact of our thoughts and emotions, and how they can trigger us into a vicious cycle of relapse. It is important for us to be reminded of this, because our thinking can help us maintain recovery or set off a relapse. Everything we think and all our emotional responses have an impact on us and everything around us, even if we don’t act on them.
Our thoughts and emotions can be so fleeting and subtle that we might believe they don’t matter. However, they shape our speech and bodily actions. If our hearts were full of love all the time, our thoughts would be full of love too. Having a tinge of resentment, greed, hatred, or delusion in our hearts guarantees that toxic thoughts will still arise, leaving us prey to our stinking thinking. When we are in the throes of addiction, we constantly grasp onto our thoughts and act them out, often taking no responsibility for the impact our actions have on others.
Remember, if we let our thoughts arise and cease, they will have less impact on us. Yet when thoughts come into being, we often grasp at them, and they develop into stories that we tell ourselves about our experiences. The problem is, we begin to believe these stories and behave as if they were true.
Our actions have consequences
We explored briefly that our actions have consequences in relationship to the Buddhist teaching of the four reminders. In this step, we expand on this. It is essential to recognize this if we are to transform our speech, actions, and mind. All of our thoughts and emotions – the words that we say or write and everything we do with our bodies – have an effect on ourselves and on the world. Put simply, actions (of body, speech, and mind) have consequences. Even our thoughts can be considered to be a kind of action, insofar as they affect us and determine how we act. In this step, we learn to notice the consequences of our actions and to find ways of acting that are beneficial and life-enriching. Where those actions have been unhelpful – often associated with our addiction – the consequences can haunt us and cause us trouble. However, there is also a tremendous freedom to be found, because at any moment we can shape our actions in ways that lead to greater happiness.
Our past unhelpful actions can ripple forward, creating self-loathing and guilt. We need to find a way to move forward rather than staying stuck in unhelpful recrimination.
As we discussed in the last step, kindness toward ourselves can help us to face painful recollections of our past actions. However, we can do more to come to terms with our past and move forward. In particular, there is a process we can use to acknowledge the past so that we can let it go, and we can take fresh actions that help to create happiness and boost self-esteem.
Both acknowledging past regrets and acting in new, beneficial ways help to transform us and support recovery. We will come to dealing with the past later in this step, since it can be easier to start with developing new, beneficial actions.
James’s story
James would find himself seeking sex, usually from a prostitute or, failing that, Internet pornography. For a long time he could not understand what led him to engage in his addictive behavior, especially since afterward, he would feel humiliated and ashamed. Eventually he began to see that quite small changes in his mood would trigger this behavior. Feeling bored or angry could lead to him to want sex. In particular, he discovered that, if he felt put down in a situation, he would have negative critical thoughts about himself, castigating himself, as well as angry attacking thoughts toward the person he felt had put him down. These were quiet thoughts that he had scarcely noticed before. As he became more aware of them, he also became aware of wanting to escape the uncomfortable feelings that went with them, through engaging in sexual activity.
As James found, there are many thoughts we don’t even hear, because we are so unaware of what is going on in our minds. Even though we are not conscious of them, these thoughts can have a great impact on our bodies, speech, and minds. The subtle thoughts that lurk about in our psyches can affect our mood, just as our emotions can bring into being elusive thoughts that we may not be aware of. This can affect what we do and how we communicate with others. It is sometimes these subtle thoughts that can lead us back into our addictions. We may wonder how on earth we ended up in a relapse once again. It is important to connect to the heart’s whisper, because sometimes this whisper is putting us down. The loud thoughts we can hear, but the whispers go unnoticed unless we have created the pause for them to emerge.
The mindfulness practices described in earlier steps are a great way to bring more awareness to these whispers, subtle thoughts, and feelings. As our mindfulness gains strength, through repeated practice, we can learn to spot unhelpful thoughts and emotions as they arise, before they have taken hold of our minds. It is then easier to let them go.
In addition, mindfulness can help us to watch uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, without getting involved in them. By just watching them, we don’t feed them through struggling against them or getting into a narrative about them. Once we develop more awareness of our thoughts and emotions through mindfulness, practicing kindness (especially the loving-kindness meditation) can help us to not react in unhelpful ways to the painful experiences that we become aware of. Loving-kindness meditation can help us to create happier, more beneficial states of mind. Mindfulness and kindness are valuable tools to transform our minds. We have also spoken about cultivating the four basic needs of the heart that help to shape a more positive outlook on life. When we bring more attention, affection, appreciation, acceptance, and loving-kindness into our lives, our mental states will become more positive. At the end of Step Four, we spoke about cultivating gratitude, which is another helpful way to develop more positive thinking in our lives. If we want to transform our speech, actions, and livelihood, it will help us to commit to taking on some of these practices.
Transforming speech
As someone once said, once the habit of untruthfulness begins there is no knowing where it may end. Does this message sound familiar? Untruthfulness can be the stumbling block of our recovery. Tell one small lie, and we may have to keep on telling more small lies to cover our tracks. Add all those lies up and they will amount to a whopping lie. Whether small lies or whopping lies, lies create anxiety, the fear that we may be found out. Lying can help perpetuate the cycle of addiction.
James’s sexual activity was a secret. To keep his wife ignorant of his liaisons, James had to make more and more excuses and tell more lies. He would say he had to work late or was going out with the boys for a drink. Sometimes he would go out to see a prostitute during work hours and would have to cover his back to his colleagues. This created more and more anxiety as he had to remember what he had said to whom. Always there was the fear of being found out.
However, truthfulness is more than not lying; it is about factual accuracy, letting go of exaggeration, and being as sincere as possible. Sometimes in recovery we can conveniently miss out important details, or exaggerate about how well we are doing, and then wonder why we have ended up in the familiar place of using.
Mumtaz’s story
Mumtaz would tell her counselor and her family that she was doing fine when asked about her credit-card shopping addiction. She would say that she was back on track and this time she was sure she was not going to relapse again. However, she was ignoring the tension she was feeling and the cajoling, critical inner voice. Even though she had some awareness that she wasn’t feeling that great, she would put on the face that she believed her counselor and family wanted to see. As the gap increased between how she said she was feeling and how she actually felt, she became more and more vulnerable to relapsing. She would then end up walking out of a counseling session and going on a credit-card shopping spree. In order to change this pattern, Mumtaz needed to be more aware of what she was actually feeling. Only then was it possible for her to be more truthful.
Practicing the three-minute breathing space, AGE, can be a good way to catch what we are feeling, before we speak to someone – especially if we anticipate that the communication is likely to be tricky. As we practice mindfulness, we are likely to notice more the emotions behind our speech and the effect our speech has on others. For example, we might notice that, when we are tired or irritable, we speak more harshly to our partners. If we have been hurt by what someone else has said to us, we may retort angrily or take it out on another person. Wherever they start, exchanges like these can quickly build into big arguments, which can then be a trigger to relapse. Through mindfulness, we can notice the intention behind our speech. For example, is our aim to hurt someone, to hide our own discomfort, to hide a lie, or to help the person we are speaking to?
Our words can be like weapons that harm us and others. Transforming our speech is part of the ethical spring-cleaning we need to do in our lives if we want to maintain our recovery. This involves more than being truthful. It is also the practice of taking small steps in our lives to have the intention to be kind and helpful in our communication. When we appreciate something someone has done for us, we can let them know.
In intimate relationships especially, it can be easy to take each other for granted and assume that our partner knows we appreciate them. However, letting someone know that we care about them and what we value, even when we think they already know it, can improve the quality of our relationships. It can be a gift to the other person, which can also have a positive effect on us.
Before speaking, ask yourself:
How kind is my speech?
What is the intention of my speech?
Practice saying only kind things today and see what happens.
Transforming actions
Actions have consequences. This is what we mean when we talk about karma. For example, if we continue having that pint of beer, injecting that needle, having that extra flutter, turning to whatever our addictive behavior is, we will perpetuate the cycle of craving and suffering. Every time we act out of craving we will multiply the seeds of craving and suffering. Therefore, karma is not about fate: it is recognizing that our actions have a cause and effect. If we change our actions, we will change our karma.
Transforming bodily action entails that we stop doing things that hurt ourselves or others, and take actions that help ourselves or others. Despite having performed unwholesome actions, we can always retrain ourselves to do things differently. By not harming ourselves or others, abstaining from fraud, robbery, and stealing, we can begin to cultivate a sober mind that will support our recovery. We can make efforts to be kinder and more generous. Small actions such as helping someone who is lost with directions or giving a small gift to a friend, especially when it is unexpected, can bring happiness to us, as well as to the recipient of our actions.
Creating positive states of mind through our kind actions helps us to feel better about ourselves, and can help to counteract regrets from past hurtful actions. In this way, transforming our speech, actions, and livelihood forms the backbone to abstinence and to letting go of our addictions.
Our thoughts may be elusive, and we may hardly notice the quality of our habitual speech, but the actions we take with our bodies can be easier to notice, and often easier to change. If our actions hurt ourselves or another – such as hitting someone or self-harming – they will have an adverse effect on us, creating negative states of mind like anger and resentment. Conversely, if we act with kindness and generosity toward ourselves and others, this will have a beneficial effect. If we are to stop hurting ourselves, this will mean letting go of our addictions. Though we often take our drug of choice to feel better, in the end we feel worse.
The process of transformation can be slow and gradual. It takes time and practice to recognize what is helpful and what isn’t, and to act as best we can in ways that are helpful and to let go of unhelpful actions. Often our old habits are deeply entrenched, having been repeated over many years. When we are in the grip of our addictions, we may feel powerless over our speech, actions, livelihoods, and minds. Under the sway of addiction, usually without fully recognizing it at the time, we act in ways that cause us and others harm. We build up habitual ways of thinking, speaking, and acting that are unhelpful and have their own momentum that is hard to resist.
We can lose control over our everyday actions. Whether we are under the influence of an intoxicant like alcohol, or caught up in the drive to gamble, we can lose awareness of our speech, bodily actions, livelihoods, and minds. Lack of awareness renders us powerless. To attain sobriety of mind and abstinence from our addictions, we must have awareness of what we are saying when we speak, what we are doing with our bodies, what we do for a living, and what thoughts are in our minds.
Time was running out for Silas. He was troubled by the memories of what he had done when he was a drug dealer. He alluded to violence, but could not bring himself to speak openly about what had happened. By injecting heroin, he had contracted hepatitis C and HIV. He really wanted to be clean and had stopped all drug use. He wanted to build bridges to some of his family and make up for his neglect of them. However, now he drank to drown out the thoughts and feelings that tortured him from the past. When he was drunk he was not able to take medication regularly, so his HIV was worsening and he could not start treatment for hepatitis C. His liver was failing with the combination of hepatitis and alcohol.
Silas had reached an impasse, with the troubles of the past holding him in addiction and stopping him from acting in ways that would support his recovery in the present. He was unable to transform his actions, putting his life at risk. He did not want to die. But in the moment of craving for a drink and faced with the choice between his life and the alcohol, he was choosing the alcohol.
If you have been trying to recover for many years, and have not been successful, you may want to take a look at what you are doing in your life. Ask yourself: “What could I do to help clean up my life?” Reflect on this question; be honest with yourself. Take some time to review your life.
What actions do I need to take to transform my life?
What ways could I act that would bring my life more in line with how I would like to be?
Practice doing only kind acts today.
Transforming livelihood
But if you can create an honorable livelihood, where you take your skills and use them and you earn a living from it, it gives you a sense of freedom and allows you to balance your life the way you want.2
When we are in recovery, it is important to set up the right conditions to maintain sobriety and abstinence. If we were honest while in the throes of an addiction, and reflected on our lives, we would be able to see that the conditions we set up for ourselves support us living an addicted life. This may mean that we will have to let go of a social network that we have socialized in for years. It may mean changing jobs, because the way we earn our money is inconsistent with our recovery. Transforming our speech, actions, and livelihood means we must look at every aspect of our lives.
Jennifer’s story
Jennifer was a veterinarian, and part of her job was putting down sick animals. On the days she euthanized animals, she often went out on a binge. It was clear that her job was one of the main triggers for her to binge drink. Although she could see this clearly, she refused to let go of her job. She convinced herself that, since she knew the reason she was drinking, she could manage it. Two years later Jennifer voluntarily put herself in an alcohol-detox unit, and she resentfully let go of her job. A year later, after her recovery, Jennifer realized that leaving her job was one of the best decisions she had made in her life.
Some of us may have to acknowledge that our way of living is facilitating our addiction. For example, some of us living with addiction have fallen into the rut of unemployment. We have nothing to get up for in the morning and are left with the whole day to pass with minimal amount of responsibility. Having too much time on our hands can be a major stumbling block for recovery. Of course, if you choose not to work and have put yourself in a recovery program or are engaging in other activities that are supporting your recovery, then your time is being used wisely.
Reflecting on our livelihoods, we could ask ourselves: “What are we doing to pay the bills? Are we earning money legally and peacefully?” Livelihoods that harm other living beings, such as working in the armaments industry, raising animals for slaughter, prostitution, or selling intoxicants like alcohol and drugs, are likely to have an adverse effect on us and not be supportive of recovery. Some in particular, such as dealing drugs, could lead us to become addicted. There are many reasons that we may earn our living in an unsupportive way, such as things that happened to us in childhood, or being involved with an inappropriate social circle. There are also the conditions we create that support our addictive behavior. Often, like Jennifer until she entered the detox unit, we may be unaware that our way of living or of earning money keeps us caught up in our addictions.
We need to review this, look at what we are doing, and perhaps make some hard decisions. We must ask ourselves: “Are we willing to commit our lives to recovery?” Committing to recovery wholeheartedly can have a huge financial impact on ourselves and our families. In some cases it may mean having more money, but in other cases it may mean a drop in income, even to the extent of having to leave your job for the sake of your recovery.
We need to find livelihoods that support our recovery. More generally, we need activity in our lives that supports recovery rather than habitual addictive behavior. Lack of meaningful activity and boredom are a sure road to relapse.
If you are in an unhealthy work situation, you might consider taking a sabbatical. It might mean acknowledging that you are unwell and need some time to heal or work on yourself. If you are unemployed, you could take up a new hobby, get back into something recreational you used to do, or do some volunteer work. If you are not able to stop or change your work, you could reflect on how you could improve your work situation or change your attitude toward it. For example, you could practice being kinder to people at work. In Step Four, we saw how kindness can be a great tool for recovery.
How we practice this step
Training principles to guide our actions toward sobriety and abstinence
The Buddha offers guidance to cultivate good karma through the practice of the five precepts (training principles), which help train the mind and provide the moral framework for us to surrender to recovery, transform and live our lives more skillfully.
These training principles can help us transform our bodily actions, speech, and livelihoods, which will guide us toward abstinence and sobriety. They are also reminders of how we want to live our lives, and can support our endeavors to transform our actions. Listed below are five principles, which are from the Buddhist tradition. Each one has a negative and a positive form – what to avoid doing and what to put into practice. The positive form is described as “purifying” the body, speech, and mind. Purification is another way of talking about transformation. For some people, purification will have negative associations – if that is the case for you, just ignore the word or replace it with “transform.” Some people find the image of purification helpful. When we act in ways that bring benefits to ourselves and others, and we don’t have to berate ourselves for actions we regret, our lives can feel simpler. Some people experience this lack of complexity as feeling purer – undiluted, like pure orange juice. So use the metaphor if it speaks to you.
|
Negative form |
Positive form |
1 |
I undertake to abstain from harming life. |
With deeds of loving-kindness I purify my body. |
2 |
I undertake to abstain from taking the not-given. |
With open-handed generosity I purify my body. |
3 |
I undertake to abstain from sexual misconduct. |
With stillness, simplicity, and contentment I purify my body. |
4 |
I undertake to abstain from false speech. |
With truthful communication I purify my speech. |
5 |
I undertake to abstain from taking intoxicants. |
With mindfulness clear and radiant I purify my mind. |
If we choose to follow these principles, it’s worth remembering that they are guidelines. They are reminders to help us act in ways that will benefit us and others. They are individual choices to follow if we wish. We start from where we are. We do not beat ourselves up about our past actions, or criticize ourselves. The five precepts are not rules or commandments, and you will not be punished if you don’t follow them. The only person who will give you a hard time is yourself. In fact, we don’t need anyone to punish us, not even ourselves. If we pay attention, we will notice that going against the principles causes us trouble and suffering, and following them leads to greater happiness and contentment. However, you don’t need to take our word for this. You can test it out for yourself in your own experience.
Devising your own training principles
In addition or as an alternative to the five precepts, you could write one which is relevant to your addiction or compulsive behavior and include an action plan with it. For example:
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Training principle: I undertake to abstain from bingeing on food. With serenity and courage I purify my mind. |
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Action plan: I will seek help. I will record what I eat so that I notice exactly what I am doing with my food. |
Reciting the training principles
We can recite the principles daily to help our minds to sober up, which in turn will support us in abstaining from our addictions. We could look at these principles as a coaching script to retrain our minds.
Valerie
I found this especially helpful in my recovery. Over twenty years ago I was still addicted; however, I began reciting the positive and negative precepts daily. My addictions began to fall away. The experience of using a substance to move away from a strong emotion just did not have the same impact. Without my being aware of it, these principles trained my mind so much that I was able to let go of the gross intoxicants of drugs and alcohol.
When we recite the training principles daily, we are creating new thoughts and changing existing habits of belief. Reciting the precepts helps us to become more aware of our actions – especially whether they are harmful or beneficial – since it helps to keep the guidelines in mind. When we become aware of what we are doing, it becomes more of a choice, and so we can choose to do something differently.
Take a couple of minutes to reflect on each principle. You can say them out aloud or silently to yourself.
I undertake to abstain from harming life.
With deeds of loving-kindness I purify my body.
Now reflect on this question: what deeds of loving-kindness can you do to help transform body, speech, and mind?
I undertake to abstain from taking the not-given.
With open-handed generosity I purify my body.
Now reflect on this question: what acts of generosity can you do to transform your body, speech, and mind?
I undertake to abstain from sexual misconduct.
With stillness, simplicity, and contentment I purify my body.
Now reflect on this question: how can you bring about more stillness, simplicity, and contentment in your life?
I undertake to abstain from false speech.
With truthful communication I purify my speech.
Now reflect on this question: how can you make your communication more truthful and kind?
I undertake to abstain from taking intoxicants.
With mindfulness clear and radiant I purify my mind.
Now reflect on this question: how can you transform your mind so it becomes more clear and radiant?
Reciting these precepts is a strong and rewarding practice. We could perhaps begin with the fifth principle, reciting it daily.
Old habits, addictions, and compulsive behaviors will fight for survival. We may need to visualize ourselves living much healthier lives. This could be done while reciting the precepts. Many athletes visualize winning to help them achieve their dreams. It’s said that it takes twenty-one days to change a habit and begin to create new beliefs. If we recite the principles daily, we will gather momentum and begin to achieve what we most deeply value.
After a week of daily recitation of one precept, we could up the ante and take on a few of the others. Make a commitment to do this regularly for at least twenty-one days and see what happens. There’s nothing to lose. Start putting your recovery into action now. Why wait for tomorrow?
Coming to terms with past and ongoing unhelpful actions
We have all done things in the past that, when we look back, make us wince and wish we could change. We have to accept that we can’t change what has happened. If we beat ourselves up for what we have done, we are adding more difficulties that can get in the way of recovery. When we chastise ourselves, we keep our past actions alive, leaving us feeling helpless and hopeless and, often, continuing the same behaviors.
Many of our clients have stayed in the vicious cycle of addiction exactly for this reason. They have felt so awful and guilty about some of the things that they have done, the awareness has been so overwhelming, that they have beaten themselves up and continued to use. “What the hell, I’ve gone this far, who cares now? Who’s going to forgive me?” can be the lament.
Fear of looking at the past, and of becoming aware of our past actions, is also a major stumbling block to recovery. We can feel shame and guilt about our behavior. We don’t want to face the wreckage of our past, so we spiral back down into our addiction. For both Silas and James, the fear of facing up to their past behavior kept them in the grips of addiction.
It is clear that, if we are to stay on the path of recovery, we need to sweep out the cobwebs of the past that haunt us. Memories and secrets can also be stumbling blocks to our recovery.
There are three stages that can help in coming to terms with our unhelpful actions. These are acknowledgment and regret, making amends, and a promise to act differently.
Acknowledgment and regret
The first part of coming to terms with past and current unhelpful actions is to acknowledge them. We acknowledge the fact that our actions have caused suffering to us or to others. We do this with an attitude of kindness. This is not to minimize the consequences of our actions or let ourselves off the hook. Rather, it is to avoid adding yet more suffering through beating ourselves up.
Reflecting on our actions that have caused harm, we are likely to feel regret. However, it is important to distinguish regret from guilt. Guilt is fearing the loss of approval or love. It is likely to lead us to berate ourselves. Sometimes it is as if we are criticizing ourselves to avoid criticism from others. Regret has a “cleaner” quality to it, in which we are willing to fully accept the consequence of our past actions. We often have a mixed response, with feelings of both regret and guilt. Whatever our emotions, we acknowledge them with kindness. We try to see as clearly as we can the pain or suffering we have caused, allow ourselves to feel that pain, and let go of any self-chastisement. Feeling the pain is enough, without making ourselves suffer more.
The reality is that some of us have committed past actions that have had devastating effects. In this case, we need to find a way to forgive ourselves, and work with our minds so the memories of these actions do not keep tripping us into relapse. Nothing is unforgivable. We have to start from where we are, and spring-clean our minds.
Sometimes we can see that our behavior is causing us to suffer, but we are not yet ready to give it up. We are not yet in a position to say that we won’t repeat the behavior that is troubling us. Particularly if we have been secretive about our habit, we may have kept it even from our own awareness, so it can be helpful first just to acknowledge what we have done.
To begin with, we can acknowledge our actions by reflecting on them and on their consequences. If we wish, we could write them down. A stronger practice is to tell another human being. If we choose to do this, we need to pick the person with care. We want to share this with someone who will both understand our concern and not judge us negatively. It’s important that we trust this person to hear us in an open-hearted way. Telling someone else can be beneficial because, when we keep our unhelpful deeds to ourselves, our memories of them can fester in our minds as we so easily go over them with recrimination, but without making any changes. To open up to another person can help to give us a little more mental space around our actions. We may then find it easier to make changes, so that in time we can let go of our unhelpful behavior more fully. As telling someone else can be such a strong practice, we need to go at our own pace. James started to tell a friend with whom he was meditating about his sexual activity. At first he could only mention the pornography. It was only later, as their friendship developed and James felt more trust in the relationship, that he could talk about visiting prostitutes.
Making amends
As we reflect on our past actions, if we feel regret for some of them, we may wish to apologize. Apologizing can be a helpful step toward making amends, although we need to accept that some people may not want our apology. If this is the case, we can try to be gracious and compassionate toward the person. They may be in a different place from us in coming to terms with what has happened, and may not be ready to receive an apology.
As well as apologizing, we can take action to make amends. For example, if we have stolen, we may want to make an anonymous donation to the person or the institution. Sometimes we need to make amends to people who are no longer alive. We can still be creative, and offer amends to the family. Sometimes it would be too inflammatory to approach someone to make amends. When this happens, we can ritually write an apology that we don’t send, and wish that person well.
A promise and a plan
The final stage in coming to terms with our unhelpful actions is to promise not to repeat them, and to make a plan that can support us to act differently in the future. Many of us have made promises that we failed to keep, throughout our history of addiction. All too often we promise never to repeat an action again, without acknowledging our past actions, and everything else that needs to precede a promise. How many of us have promised ourselves or another person that we will not repeat a certain behavior, or apologized, or said it is the last time we will do something – only to break our promise hours, days, weeks, or months later?
A promise is a vision. On its own it is not enough, which is why so many people mess up after making a promise. There needs to be a clear plan of action to back up our promise, if we are to keep it. If we are sorry, it will help to express exactly what we are sorry for, so we can come into relationship with the past, feel some kind of remorse, and feel inspired or motivated to set the plan of action to support us in keeping our word.
For example, before you promise your partner never to drink again, it may well be best to make the promise to yourself first. Doing something for somebody else is not enough. We have to change our lives because we want change, not because it will please somebody else. This is the barometer of a promise: are you ready to make a pact with yourself? If so, reflect on these questions for the next five minutes:
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Are you aware of the impact of your past actions? |
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What have those past actions been? |
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What plan of action are you going to take so that you don’t repeat the same behavior? |
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When is this going to happen? |
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What are the new things that you can bring into your life to help you? |
Now take a moment to reflect on this fifth step of transforming speech, actions, and livelihood, and what it means to you. Take the next ten minutes to recite these phrases and reflect on the questions below:
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Body like a mountain – just as a mountain is strong, firm, and present, let my body be strong, firm, and present. |
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Heart like an ocean – just as the waves in an ocean arise and cease, let my thoughts and feelings arise and cease. |
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Mind like the sky – just as the sky is big, wide, and open, let my mind be big, wide, and open. |
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Speech like honey – just as honey is sweet and soft, let my speech be full of sweetness and softness. |
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Livelihood like a bird – just as a bird flies happily in the sky, let my livelihood create happiness in my life. |
• |
Breath like an anchor – just as an anchor steadies a boat, let my breath steady my thoughts and feelings. |
Ask yourself:
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How do my bodily actions impact my life? |
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How does my speech impact my life? |
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How does my mind/thinking impact my life? |
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How does my livelihood impact my life? |
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What do I need to do to transform my body, speech, and mind? |
Now ask yourself: “Am I ready to make that promise?” If you’re not, go back to your plan of action, and break it down even more.
Ritual approaches to coming to terms with our past
Some of us find that ritual can be a powerful way to come to terms with our past unhelpful actions. Ritual, for example a wedding or a funeral, is a way to emphasize the significance of what we are doing. If we want to make a big change in our lives, a ritual, especially when we do it deliberately and consciously, can be a way to strengthen our resolve. Ritual can help to get more of us behind what we are trying to do. Two rituals that can support our efforts to come to terms with the past are using a prayer and chanting a mantra.
Prayer
Positive affirmations are a daily practice for some people. Some of us meditate daily, some of us get down on our knees and pray, and some visualize or chant for what we want to see emerge in our lives. These are all helpful ways to help bring about positivity in our lives.
A prayer can also be helpful if we have a sense of something or someone higher or beyond us. Even if we have no concept of a higher power, praying for something that we would like to happen can be very helpful. We can recite the prayer in a special place. This could be a place of beauty that we like to visit. Alternatively, we could make a place in the corner of our bedroom or living room. We might wish to clean the room and then sit in front of a photo or photos that are significant for us. We could have some flowers and light a candle. We could sit quietly for a period and then recite our prayer. Below, we have rewritten a traditional Buddhist prayer and put it into more accessible language (see here).
Having recited the prayer, we resolve not to commit the actions again. We clearly state our plan of action, including the time frame in which we will begin to act. Then we can sit quietly again, allowing the ritual to have its effect.
So be it!
Dear Buddha, bodhisattva (or God or Higher Power of my understanding), please listen to me as I admit my faults.
I (state your name ____________ ), who have been in the vicious cycle of addiction, have created suffering in my life. I have been overpowered by my addictions, attachments, aversions, and ignorance. I admit I have lost awareness of my body, speech, and mind, and because of my lack of awareness I have been perpetuating negative actions. I ask that you guide and support me as I begin to transform my bodily actions, speech, livelihood, and mind.
I have been unkind to my family, friends, and people I don’t even know. (Include what is appropriate to you.) I confess I have been unkind to all beings, including animals.
I have committed actions harmful to myself and to others. (Include what is appropriate to you.) I have taken the not-given, I have committed sexual misconduct, I have spoken harshly and told lies, I have taken intoxicants. I have had a livelihood that has been harmful to me and others. These and many other destructive actions I have done. I admit I have created my suffering and the obstacles that have hindered my recovery. I have been stuck in a rut of misery.
Now in the presence of a trusted human being (or in the presence of the Buddha, a bodhisattva, God or the Higher Power of my understanding), I confess all my negative actions. I will not pretend they have never happened. I will confront my past actions and acknowledge my unskillful misdeeds. I promise to refrain from doing these actions again in the future. By confessing my unskillful actions I allow myself forgiveness and will now rest in stillness, simplicity, and contentment. I will move toward more happiness in my life.
Sadhu, Sadhu, Sadhu (well done, well done, well done).
Another approach to help us come to terms with past unhelpful actions is mantra. We spoke about mantra in Step Three. We could chant any mantra that resonates with us. Before reciting the mantra, we reflect on our past actions that have caused harm and suffering. We continue reflecting until we feel some kind of remorse, and realize that we need to change and not continue with our way of life. Remember, this is not about giving ourselves a hard time, it is simply bringing awareness to how we have harmed ourselves and others. As we chant we could lightly hold a wish to be able to let go and move beyond our past troubles.
One of the blocks to overcoming past unhelpful actions is feeling that something deep within us has been permanently damaged by them. We can feel irretrievably soiled by our past actions. This seems to be especially the case if we have experienced trauma. Vajrasattva is an archetypal figure from the Buddhist tradition that is associated with overcoming past unhelpful actions. In particular, he represents the realization that our deepest nature was never impure or soiled; that our addiction had covered up our well-being and goodness.
The short version of the Vajrasattva mantra is om vajrasattva hum. You could repeat this mantra for ten minutes daily. There is a long version of the Vajrasattva mantra for those who want to take up the practice more seriously (see here). You can listen to the full-length mantra chanted online at our website: http://thebuddhistcentre.com/eightsteps.
Oṃ vajrasattva samayam
anupālaya
vajrasattvatvenopatiṣṭa
dṛḍho me bhava
sutoṣyo me bhava
supoṣyo me bhava
anurakto me bhava
sarvasiddhiṃ me prayaccha
sarvakarmasu ca me
cittaṃ śreyaḥ kuru hūṃ
ha ha ha ha hoḥ
bhagavan sarvatathāgatavajra
mā me muñca
vajrī bhava
mahāsamayasattva
āḥ hūṃ phaṭ
Translation:
Oṃ Vajrasattva! Preserve the bond!
As Vajrasattva stand before me.
Be firm for me.
Be greatly pleased for me.
Deeply nourish me.
Love me passionately.
Grant me success and attainment in all things,
And in all actions make my mind most excellent. hūṃ!
ha ha ha ha ho! [Be joyful as you recite this laughter of liberation.]
Blessed One! Vajra of all the Tathāgatas! Do not abandon me.
Be the Vajra-bearer, Being of the Great Bond!
āḥ hūṃ phaṭ
Another mantra believed to help transform body, speech, and mind is one we also mentioned in Step Three, om mani padme hum. This is one of the best-known Buddhist mantras, and is the mantra of the male bodhisattva of compassion, Avalokitesvara. Reflecting on our past actions can bring up difficult emotions, so it can be helpful to cultivate compassion. Chanting Avalokitesvara’s mantra is one way to put us in contact with compassion. The mantra is a popular one. You can find it on our website (http://thebuddhistcentre.com/eightsteps) and hear how it is chanted.
The fourteenth Dalai Lama says:
It is very good to recite the mantra OM MANI PADME HUM, but while you are doing it, you should be thinking on its meaning, for the meaning of the six syllables is great and vast. The first, OM [...] [symbolizes] the practitioner’s impure body, speech, and mind; [it also symbolizes] the pure exalted body, speech and mind of a Buddha.3
As we chant the mantra, if we find it helpful, we can imagine the different syllables of the mantra transforming different aspects of our bodies, speech, and minds:
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When we chant om we can feel we are transforming pride and selfishness, and cultivating generosity. |
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When we chant ma we can feel we are transforming our jealousies and cultivating an ethical life. |
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When we chant ni we can feel we are transforming our craving and cultivating patience. |
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When we chant pad we can feel we are transforming our ignorance and prejudices and cultivating diligence. |
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When we chant me we can feel we are transforming our possessiveness and cultivating letting go of attachment. |
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When we chant hum we can feel we are transforming our hatred and aggression and cultivating wisdom. |
Now chant om mani padme hum for ten minutes. Then sit for a few minutes, absorbing the impact of the mantra.
Making the most of opportunities to change our lives – GIFTS
Transforming our bodily actions, speech, livelihood, and mind is not easy. In fact, it is a lifetime commitment. However, there are GIFTS (Great Indicators For Throwing Stuff out). There are always moments of clarity, even in the midst of addiction, and these are GIFTS staring us in the face. We have to learn to value them and act on them.
For example, there may be an important life event, like a new relationship. This can be a great indicator for throwing stuff out, like our addictions or other unhelpful behavior. For some of us, taking these opportunities can bring about temporary recovery, and for a few it may lead to prolonged abstinence.
Sometimes the GIFT may be painful, as happened with James. James’s wife finally found out that he had been seeing prostitutes. He saw the hurt in her eyes and he could see that their marriage was over. He felt wretched and, at the same time, could feel the same old urge that he had begun to recognize as the buildup to escaping into anonymous sex. The whole process – the discomfort, the urge to flee into sex, the sex, and then the humiliation – passed through his mind. He had done enough damage to himself and his wife: now it was time to act differently. This was a GIFT in his life. He finally took it as an opportunity to throw stuff out, to let go of his unskillful actions and act differently, despite the fact that his marriage was over.
Often our GIFTS can be subtle, like the tiny positive whisper telling us: “I want to stop.” We must try to hear the heart’s whisper and act on these GIFTS, seizing the opportunity to throw stuff out of our lives.
This came to Silas in the middle of the night after he had been admitted to hospital with a failing liver. For a while the ward was quiet, but Silas could not sleep. His body was itching and his mind was restless. He knew that he might not have long to live, especially if he continued to drink. For a moment he let go of the struggle: let the ghosts of the past do what they would. He was determined to move forward in his life, however long or short that would be.
In Step Five, we learn to transform our speech, actions, and livelihood. With an attitude of kindness, we review our past actions. We acknowledge them and their impact on us and others. We make amends, and plan to do something different. We take our GIFTS to move forward in our recovery and commit to living our lives more in line with the five training principles. We acknowledge the consequences of our addictions and have healthy compassionate regret. If we make a promise, we make a plan of action before promising to let go. And, if we are able, we admit to another human being the exact nature of our actions and give ourselves forgiveness.
This is a gentle reminder for us to pause at the end of Step Five, and take a three-minute breathing space.
Awareness of thoughts, feelings, and body.
Gather the breath, notice the breath, become aware of the breath.
Expand the breath throughout the whole body – connect to the whole body.