A marriage counselor might suggest that you work on improving your emotional connection with your husband so that you’re more inclined to want to be physically intimate—which could take a while if things aren’t going well.
With the Six Intimacy Skills, you bask in feeling desired, sexy, beautiful, and connected when the opportunity for sex comes around, even if the emotional connection isn’t perfect. You’ll also learn to express your desires to make it pleasurable for you and how to take a feminine approach to sex. You’ll feel more vulnerable, which will only increase the passion.
“It’s become very fashionable to blame our hormones for loss of libido. But the truth is that although lots of research has been done, no one has managed to come up with anything very definite on the relationship between female hormones and desire.”
—Christine Webber, Psychotherapist, and Dr. David Delvin, GP and Family Planning Specialist
A woman on the news was being interviewed about her decision to have sex with her husband every day for a year, whether she felt like it or not. The big takeaway for her was that she had to be okay with her husband’s view of her as sexy and get over her own view of herself as anything less than that. She said it was great for her to spend a year feeling desired every day, because it taught her that her own standards made her feel self-conscious. She also spoke about how close she and her husband became, how it deepened their bond and relieved so much tension.
Sex is the one thing that only you and your husband share. It’s what separates your romance from every other relationship you have. You might talk intimately with your sister, and you might snuggle with your kids, but sex is only between you and him. Take that out of the equation and your relationship is no longer a romance—you two are co-parents, roommates, or business partners on a mortgage, but not lovers.
One reason marriage makes sex so much better is that you have total safety that makes it okay to be really vulnerable. Even if you feel awkward or embarrassed, your husband isn’t going away. There’s total permission to be yourself, whatever that looks like.
You also have plenty of time to practice getting it right. Sex is like anything else: the more you practice, the better you get, and the more satisfying the experience.
But what if sex is just one more area of your marriage that’s not going well? What if one of you always wants it and the other doesn’t? What if one of you never wants it? Can you ever get to where everybody’s happy again and have this part of your relationship be as enjoyable as it’s meant to be, rather than yet another source of conflict?
In my experience, you absolutely can—by practicing the Six Intimacy Skills.
When Gladys’ husband spoke to an audience of women at her workshop about the Six Intimacy Skills, he started by saying, “Make a face as though someone just asked you to do something horrible, like eat a child.” We all obliged and made horrified faces. He told us to look at each other, so we could see how unpleasant we all appeared. It was not pretty.
“That,” he told us, “is how you look when you’re controlling or disrespectful. You could be a supermodel, but no matter how hot you are, you’re just not appealing to us in that moment.”
It was a great way to illustrate what a passion-killer control is.
If the sex has gone missing in your marriage, and it’s your husband who seems disinterested, control and disrespect are the likely culprits. If you’re anything like me, you may have thought that the lack of sex was because he was no longer physically attracted to you since you’d gained weight or got older, but that is rarely the case. The good news is that the passion returns quickly when you clean up the disrespect and control and practice the Six Intimacy Skills outside of the bedroom.
If you’re the one who’s lost interest in sex, that can also be a side effect of the struggles in your relationship outside the bedroom. If your husband lets you call all the shots just to keep the peace, he won’t seem very masculine to you—quite the opposite. If you’ve fallen into a mother/son dynamic outside of the bedroom, he’s going to seem downright unappealing. If the two of you fight a lot and he’s always saying mean things, you’re not going to want to be as vulnerable with him in bed. All these issues clear up pretty quickly when you start using the Six Intimacy Skills outside of the bedroom.
But what do The Six Intimacy Skills look like inside the bedroom? All the same principles apply.
Your pleasure is very important. You have the only organ in the human body—the clitoris—that’s sole purpose is for you to feel outrageously good. That’s also a metaphor for your relationship and your life. You were born to feel good! The more you make your pleasure a priority, both in and out of the bedroom, the better things will be for both of you.
One way to respect your husband sexually is to honor his choices for himself and his own sexuality. You may not like it that he views porn or masturbates, for example. You may feel strongly that those are unacceptable behaviors and that you won’t tolerate them. But relinquishing control means that you recognize where you end and he begins. Your husband is solely responsible for how he handles his own sexual urges. You certainly have influence, but letting him know you don’t approve of porn or masturbating is a sure way to squander that influence. The more you insist that he must not masturbate or view porn, the more you’re going to sound like his mother, which is not sexually appealing. It’s only human nature that when you tell him it’s not okay to do something, that something becomes even more alluring. Respecting your husband means letting him make his own choices without your comments or judgment—and trusting that they’ll be wise ones.
If your husband is watching porn instead of being physically intimate with you, hearing that it’s not up to you whether he watches porn might sound unreasonable or harsh. I know how painful it is to be married to someone who’s not interested in hugging, kissing, petting, or sex—and not understanding why. I remember how hurtful and lonely that was. If you’re thinking porn is the problem, that if it weren’t for that stupid porn, you would be getting a lot more action in the bedroom, consider that there might be another reason entirely.
Control and lack of respect are more likely the real culprits. In my case, my husband simply wasn’t attracted to me—not because he didn’t find me physically alluring, like I feared. The turn-offs were the snippy comments coming out of my mouth and the way my eyes rolled back in my head when I didn’t agree with what he said.
What I witness over and over is that when you bring respect back to the relationship, the sexual chemistry and desire returns in full force. If you’re seeing yourself as competing with porn for your husband’s attention, I have good news: Being made of flesh and blood gives you a huge advantage. But consider the possibility that he might not feel excited about being sexual with someone who doesn’t respect him.
The good news is that bringing back the respect in your marriage can quickly change everything. In fact, it can bring the level of physical affection back to what it was when you first started dating. That’s what women who practice the Six Intimacy Skills report.
If it sounds like I’m saying it’s okay if your husband watches porn, please let me clarify: What I’m actually saying is that it’s his decision. That choice is not on your paper. What is on your paper is the option to accept him or reject him.
You do have complete control over whether or not you treat your husband respectfully, and when you do, that’s a powerful aphrodisiac. That could very well bring him to your bed. If you’re respectful, willing, and available, how can two-dimensional women compete?
You might think it would be nice if you could make absolutely sure your husband never watched porn. But it’s even better to know about it and use your feminine gifts of magnetism, which are strongest when you’re respectful. Then, when he chooses you because he finds you irresistible, that’s a much bigger rush than having him in your bed because you told him what to do. The only way to truly feel desired—and if you’re anything like me, that’s something you really crave—is to let him make his own choices. When you do, chances are, he’ll choose you.
Saying “We should” or “How come you never want to?” or even “Let’s have sex” are all about control, which is never good for intimacy. It’s still nagging, even if the topic at hand is sex instead of cleaning the garage. You’re not going to get a good reaction, and you could end up feeling rejected when he doesn’t respond well.
Petra complained that she wanted sex far more often than her husband did, which she couldn’t understand, since men usually want sex more than women do. She complained to him that he was lazy about sex and tried requesting, demanding, and insisting they have more of it—but that only made her feel more frustrated.
It wasn’t until she decided to take a different approach that things improved. She started by making a pact with herself to stop demanding or asking for sex at all. It wasn’t easy because that was her habit, but it wasn’t really serving her. She decided to focus on seducing him with her body instead of saying a word.
She was receptive and enthusiastic whenever her husband initiated sex or responded well to her efforts to seduce him. She also expressed a lot of gratitude whenever they made love, no matter how the ball got rolling.
Instead of hearing her complain and feeling like he was falling short, her husband finally felt successful. As a result, he naturally started to initiate more physical intimacy. Petra felt so much more desired and relieved to know that her husband wasn’t losing interest in her.
You’re a magnet, and your husband is built to pursue and desire you. You are the sexier sex and the gatekeeper for sex. If you forget that and act like you don’t have any special powers, sex can feel like a struggle instead of a fun party for two in bed.
As a woman, you are built to receive. That’s a great metaphor for your entire relationship, but with lovemaking, it’s pretty literal. Receptivity is the essence of femininity. So the more receptive you are, the more feminine and attractive you will be, and the more masculine your husband will be in response.
Taking a seductive approach is not only more tantalizing and vulnerable, but also more gratifying than asking for sex directly. If you change into your Victoria’s Secret undies to relax, you’re letting your husband know you’re receptive to having sex and giving him the opportunity to do something about it. Of course, you’re also risking rejection. What if he sees that you’re wearing something from your naughty collection and he just brushes his teeth and goes to bed? You’ll feel rejected, which hurts, but I’ve never had a client die of rejection.
Think of this as an opportunity to express a desire without expectation. You can honor what you want (in this case without saying a word) without being attached to the outcome. The upside is worth it: If he sees that you’re receptive and takes the opportunity to make love to you, you know for sure he wanted you, and that feels amazing.
Another way to be receptive sexually is to decide to make yourself available for sex whenever your husband desires you. You won’t always start out in the mood, but that doesn’t mean you won’t end up there. There are plenty of things you do every day even though you’re not in the mood. You might vacuum when you’re not in the mood because you want an orderly house. Deciding to be receptive to sex whenever your husband wants it will make your marriage more passionate, and it will also make you feel good—sexy, desired, and happy. Sex is a mood booster, after all!
Only you know for sure what’s right for you, but try to receive the passion your husband brings whenever he brings it. Consider experimenting with just giving an automatic yes whenever he’s asking, so you don’t miss an opportunity to have all that pleasure and connection with him.
If that doesn’t work for you, consider being receptive to lovemaking at least once a week as a way of acknowledging the importance of this special relationship and keeping the passion in your marriage alive.
Vulnerability around sex is much more attractive than criticizing or complaining that he doesn’t initiate or isn’t doing it right. You’ll never feel as vulnerable as when you’re seducing your husband with your feminine magnetism, instead of initiating the way a man would.
Your husband just wants to make you happy (in this case, by bringing you to orgasm). It can’t hurt to tell him what you would love in bed, even if that feels scary and secret.
The more your husband feels appreciated for his efforts, the more he’ll be inspired to treat you like his queen. Why not thank him for making you orgasm? Why not thank him for making you feel sexy? What you focus on increases, and in the bedroom you have a chance to focus on feeling gratified, beautiful, and desired by acknowledging those things out loud.
If you feel that the lovemaking is lacking overall in some way, perhaps a spouse-fulfilling prophecy (you’ll learn about those in Chapter 24) is just the thing to inspire him to pay more attention to the things that make your toes curl.
One great way to make your sex life more fun is to let your husband know exactly what you want—from bubble baths or a slow dance to making out in the car. But the worst time to talk about what’s going on in the bedroom is when you’re in the bedroom. Words are too distracting when you’re in the heat of the moment, and that makes it a lot more challenging to express your desires.
If you have a fantasy you want to act out or a position you want to try, a great way to approach the topic is to wait until you’re alone with your husband somewhere else—in the car, out to eat, or anywhere you can have a private conversation. Start by saying something positive about the last time you made love or about your sex life in general. You might say, “I love how you seduced me last night,” or “I had a great orgasm on Friday. You really get me going,” or “We’ve been having such great sex lately.” Or maybe just, “I’m so glad we finally got to do it this weekend.”
Next, you can say, “You know, next time, I would love to…” and fill in the blank with your desire. By giving him a compliment or expressing gratitude first, your desire is less likely to land as a criticism and more likely to sound like an opportunity for him to feel more successful and manly.
This can be a really fun, titillating conversation—whispering it in his ear and saying it with no expectation is likely to get the sparks flying. It’s fun and bonding to share a secret, and it heightens the anticipation.
But what about once you’re already in bed together? How do you express your desires then, without words and sentences?
One great way to teach your husband what you like in bed is to communicate nonverbally—whether by moaning, whimpering, or screaming—but only when he’s doing something that feels good to you. If he stops doing the thing you like or if he’s doing something you don’t like, be silent. He’ll get the message. If you continue to moan after he’s stopped or when what he’s doing doesn’t feel that good, he’ll have a much harder time figuring out what you like. Men love feedback, and the way to say “That’s not doing it for me” is to go silent. The only way he knows he’s delighting you is when he hears you enjoying yourself. Don’t give him the wrong signal!
If you don’t want to have sex ever, something’s wrong. There’s a popular myth (and a diagnosis with a corresponding drug treatment) that lack of desire is caused by hormonal shifts, but there’s no evidence to support that, despite lots of studies on the subject. The likelier explanation is that your lack of desire is a symptom of feeling resentful toward your husband.
It could be that you’re hurt and angry from years of arguing or feeling neglected. Using the Six Intimacy Skills will help remedy that in a hurry.
It could also be that you just don’t like feeling that out of control. Sex is a vulnerable act. You’re not composed when it’s happening. And you can’t make yourself hurry up—that never works. To women, the whole thing can feel a little uncivilized when we’re not in the mood. But sex is not only proper, it can make you feel amazing on a lot of levels.
Husbands just want their wives to be happy, and that’s never truer than in the bedroom. I’m happy to report that my husband has memorized a complicated set of procedures that reliably bring me to orgasm. Your husband would probably be glad to do the same. He’ll go to just about any lengths to make you happy in the bedroom if you tell him what you want. If you don’t know, that’s something for you to figure out. What gets you going? What turns you on most? Only you can determine that, so it’s well worth it to spend some time experimenting until you find the yellow-brick road to orgasm and can show your husband how to get you there. If you’re not climaxing, that’s a big loss for both of you. He wants to know that he made you feel good and you want that pleasurable release. If lovemaking feels like a tedious road to nowhere, it will naturally move to the bottom of your to-do list, so make it your mission to climax. Your husband will gladly join the mission if you express your desire purely. Keep going until you get to Oz.
Here’s another possible cause for sex that’s gone missing: Maybe you’ve turned your husband down so often that he thinks it’s a waste of time to try. But that means you don’t ever get to feel physically desired. What a waste to miss out on getting to feel your magnetic powers of attraction and the pleasure you were born to enjoy during sex.