As human beings, we are born with an innate and nearly limitless capacity for caring and compassion. We recognize when others around us are hurting; as the latest neuroscience has shown, we quite literally feel their pain—imaging studies have demonstrated that the same networks in the brain are activated whether people receive a painful stimulus themselves or are merely witnessing someone else receiving it.1 And we want to help. In fact, the human brain is actually wired for cooperation and giving.2 But we’re not always good at it. We say the wrong things, or we zero in on the wrong problems. Often we manage to do more harm than good, causing hurt feelings and even damaging relationships.
But there is another way. In The Compassionate Connection: The Healing Power of Empathy and Mindful Listening, I explain that we all have the astounding ability to help others in a way that prompts their healing from within and strengthens our bonds with them—while doing emotional and physical good for ourselves in the process. Indeed, some social psychologists have theorized that giving may enhance the giver’s self-interest more than receiving.3 This is a two-way street.
As the founder and director of the University of Wisconsin’s integrative medicine program, and now professor and chair of the department of Family and Community Medicine at the University of New Mexico, I have discovered that people become the most effective caregivers when they use the vital yet surprisingly low-tech tool of human connection. A wide array of research now demonstrates that we humans can use our very presence to promote health in those who are ailing and guide them on a path toward recovery.
My colleagues and I studied this connection in the primary care clinic at the University of Wisconsin Medical Center. We taught doctors to interact with patients using techniques of deep listening and empathy. We found that those who experienced a connection with their doctor recovered from the common cold a day faster than those who didn’t. This wasn’t just feel-good therapy; there was physiological evidence of the effect. Patients who felt a connection actually produced increased levels of disease-fighting immune cells.
Making the connection involves particular skills everyone can learn and apply. Becoming present “in the moment” with another person (not an easy task in today’s fast-paced, noisy world) and deep listening enable people to establish trusting relationships and exchange meaningful information. This kind of rapport allows helpers to bring their best to the service of others and may simply “stack the deck” in favor of healing. Indeed, studies have shown that the connection, once having been established, may also help address unhealthy eating habits, resistance to exercise, chronic health problems, the efficacy of cancer treatments, depression, and even the deleterious effects of premature birth.
In this book, I draw upon my clinical experience and my own research, as well as thirty years of published studies in major medical journals—in the fields of medicine, sociology, psychology, meditation, and neuroscience—to describe the effect of the human connection and the ways it can be used to boost health. I use examples from my years of practice to demonstrate the basis of each technique that makes the connection possible.
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As a practitioner of family, rural, and integrative medicine, I have encountered myriad hyphenated terms that seek to describe the mechanisms by which this discipline can have its greatest effect. A couple that come to mind are bio-psycho-social medicine and psychoneuroimmunology (a relatively new multidisciplinary area that investigates how stress affects the nervous and immune systems). Each of these aims to express a simple concept that we may already understand intuitively: the mind and body are intertwined physiologically in ways that affect health—for better and for worse. Indeed, I have come to see that we can’t treat one without treating the other. Moreover, it has been scientifically proved that a person’s capacity to feel beauty and awe, and his or her ability to turn inward to find meaning and purpose, also improve health and well-being. This is a part of the “mystery” and the “art” of healing, that when aroused in others and coupled with science leads to more positive outcomes. Not only does this happen within and throughout one human being but also among human beings. Positive contagion can spread throughout communities. But before individuals can promote a more global connectedness to healing, they need to develop it within themselves.
In Part I of The Compassionate Connection, I cover the power people possess to connect to others and make a difference in their lives. I delve into the importance of a compassionate connection for recovery and examine how it can enhance the placebo effect, or what I prefer to call the “healing effect”—a person’s capacity for self-healing. We will look closely at the latest neurobiological research on the physiological underpinnings of the connection to gain an understanding of how and why it works. And we’ll examine why it’s necessary to recruit a patient’s health from within, and how people bungle opportunities to help and consequently rupture the connection they’re so ardently trying to make.
In Part II, I elucidate the tools that are necessary to create the connection. In order to truly be of service, helpers must know themselves and acknowledge their own biases before approaching another human being. Moreover, the mind’s constant internal chatter or “clutter” can interfere with clearly seeing what another person actually needs, so we will look at how to set aside this clutter and be “present.” Because nonverbal communication can draw people closer, I will examine how we create connections with our bodies and facial expressions. Deep listening can help caregivers unearth another’s authentic story—one that may not be evident on the surface of interactions. Caregiving can be exhausting, so I will focus on the sources of burnout and ways to avoid it that include the positive aspects of meditation. And finally, I will show you how to notice unexpected beauty in authenticity—even if it means fully facing suffering. In this process of connection, we gain clarity, creativity, wisdom, and even good health for ourselves.
SERVING . . . WITH COMPASSION
With the explosion of information technology, gadgets and equipment, and electronic record keeping, tech is becoming increasingly prominent in our health delivery system. Soon, when we stand on the bathroom scale, all of our bio-measures will show up on the mirror or our smartphones. We will also be able to check our unique DNA profile to determine whether we metabolize one medicine better than another. But technology and Big Data algorithms, wonderful as they are, will never have insight or intuition. They will never understand how to facilitate healing within complex biological and emotional systems. This is a uniquely human talent.
This book honors that human connection. Through it, caregivers can inspire others to have hope, resolve, and determination to make—and stick with—a health-oriented plan. The best part, however, is that the connection becomes a win-win situation for everyone. Even as it boosts health and enhances wellness, it strengthens relationships by removing judgment and deepening trust. It lessens caregivers’ stress, reduces burnout, and improves resiliency. In fact, those who connect with others—whether as spouses, parents, friends, medical providers, coworkers, business leaders, or politicians—not only communicate better and become more helpful individuals but also invariably experience a sense of gratification and even joy.
Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen, author of Kitchen Table Wisdom, makes a great comparison between helping and serving. She suggests that when people “help,” they ask for something in return, as in “I have helped you, now what are you going to do for me?” But when they “serve,” they also serve themselves because in addressing the needs of another, they address their own. Indeed, in service, we all become part of a larger whole. In this way, The Compassionate Connection has the power to improve the quality of our lives and the lives of those around us.