6. Universal Truth No. 4: All Children Go Through Developmental Stages

Before she retired, Ty’s mother, Sonia Hatfield, worked with developmentally disabled children. Many of them were in wheelchairs and unable to feed themselves or emotionally connect with other people. The things that most parents complain about, she says, are the things that the parents of developmentally disabled children only dream about.

“Do you know how much these parents would love it if their children would hit them, or bite them, or talk back to them, or throw a temper tantrum?” Sonia once asked.

Our children’s developmental stages are not choices. They can’t be controlled or manipulated through clever parenting (although many try!). They are necessary and unavoidable. And, although they may not always be pleasant, they always are appropriate for that child.

Yes, children develop at different rates and have different personalities. But don’t let these differences fool you. Just because one child’s behavior is more challenging to us than another doesn’t make the challenging behavior abnormal. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with one of the children. It doesn’t mean that one child is inherently more “difficult” than another. And this is so important! Because, as you can imagine, we can do serious damage to a child’s self-esteem when we shame a child for being who that child was born to be.

What’s Normal for Your Kid?

When our children are babies, we mark their growth, track their words, and celebrate their every developmental milestone. We watch intently for that first smile. We wait for that first laugh. We cheer them as they roll over for the first time and laugh as they taste their first solid food. We know, because volumes have been written about it, that our babies are on a continuous path of physical, emotional, social, and intellectual development—and we thoroughly enjoy watching them reach every stage.

“She laughed today!” “She stood by herself!” “He’s walking!”

After the baby’s first eighteen months, though, the themes of parenting books seem to take a sudden turn. Instead of giving parents a heads-up into what’s to come, so that we know when to celebrate and when to worry, the books become almost exclusively focused on behavioral problems: What to do when your child is shy. What to do when your child won’t sleep. How to parent the strong-willed child.

“Training” and “discipline” replace “developmental milestones” as the language of choice.

Is it because there were no behavioral problems before eighteen months? Certainly not! After all, in a certain light, babies cause all sorts of problems. Poor, tired parents have to pick them up all the time, translate their baby talk, keep them from choking on marbles, and hundreds of other things. And yet there is no book called The Fool-Proof Method for Training Kids to Walk, or 1-2-3: Chew Your D*mn Food or How to Parent the Unsmiling Baby.

Even though baby stages carry plenty of potential challenges, the focus remains on celebration and joy—on what’s normal, what’s healthy, and how to help our children along their journeys. We generally don’t try to rush their maturity; if a newborn started holding its head up right out of the womb, that would be downright freaky.

Yet, with older kids, we’re not so dialed into what’s “normal” for their ages and stages, or we’ve been flat-out misinformed, so our expectations don’t match up to reality. We see age-appropriate behavior—aggressiveness or forgetfulness or bossiness or failing to listen—and we mistake them for signs of strong wills, defiance, or ineffective parenting.

“The one place parents make their greatest number of errors is in their expectations.”

—DOROTHY CORKILLE BRIGGS

When Negative Traits Are a Positive Sign

It would be nice if we could see our children’s refusal to share or complete disregard for bathing or tendency to bark “No!” at us every ten minutes as good things—because, in a way, they are. After all, if your toddler never, ever says “No!” to you, it might be time to make an appointment with your child’s doctor. (By the same token, if you find yourself putting your toddler in timeout for saying “No,” it might be time to make an appointment with yours.)

We hoot and holler when our kids develop in ways that please us. But sometimes we forget to make room for joy—or even humor!—when they reach less pleasant stages. You never hear anyone say, “He started cursing at four!” or “He threw the remote control at my face at age five!” It’s understandable, of course. Who wants to be hit in the face with a remote control? Still, for some five-year-olds, throwing objects during tantrums is completely normal. And it’s not like your child is choosing to be inappropriate or violent. In fact, in most cases, he doesn’t know why he’s doing it at all. Asking a child, “Why did you do that?” is often the equivalent of asking, “Why did you roll over for the first time?” It’s nature.

In Appendix C, you will find a list called “Commonly Overlooked Developmental Behaviors and Characteristics of Children Ages Eighteen Months to Eighteen Years.” We highly recommend keeping this list within arm’s reach. It’s kind of like the “What to Expect” portion of the book. Although not all kids will exhibit all the behaviors on each list, each behavior is age-appropriate.

One note: Some kids develop a little faster or slower in certain areas than others, so it’s always helpful to look at the typical behaviors for your child’s age, as well as the ages that come just before and after. For instance, if you have a seven-year-old, you would look at the behaviors typical of seven-year-olds, but also those typical of six-year-olds and eight-year-olds. In fact, if you want to flip ahead and locate the behaviors appropriate for your child’s age right now, feel free. We’ll wait.

The purpose of providing this information is twofold:

First, it’s a reminder to go easy on yourself. We can be so quick to blame ourselves when we set out to teach our kids certain lessons or morals or skills or manners and find that our efforts fall flat. If we are practicing heart-centered parenting, we may even worry that it’s because we aren’t using punishments, bribery, or rewards. But our teachings must be paired with our children’s brain development. Sure, you can introduce your young ones to lessons and morals and skills and manners—just as you can prop up your infants with pillows to simulate how it feels to sit up. But no matter how many times you bribe your infant with toys, he won’t sit up on his own until he has the physical strength necessary to make that happen. And no matter how often you show your disapproval when your child makes a mess at dinner, lacks compassion for other people, or refuses to share or apologize, he won’t magically turn the corner. We can’t expect kids to authentically behave in certain ways until they are ready—physically, emotionally, intellectually, and socially. By understanding what our children are capable of—what is typical for their age and stage in life—we can ease up a little, not just on our kids, but on ourselves.

Sometimes, just knowing that the behavior is typical can help settle frazzled nerves. (“Oh, look, honey, our kid is not a walking nightmare; he’s a typical four-year-old!”)

Second, having specific facts about your child’s growth will help explain so many of the unfortunate habits your child exhibits from time to time. It may help you explain to your family, friends, and other skeptical humans why you are not treating your child’s tantrums or bossiness or potty talk as a reason to worry. (It may also give you the confidence to ignore those naysayers altogether!)

The informed parent is the one who can head a great number of problems off at the pass.

Consider:

• The mom who understands that her three-year-old son is attracted to every shiny object he sees might get down on his level and say: “Hey, kiddo, I imagine you will be excited to see all the cool stuff in this store. There are lots of things that might break if we touch them, so I want you to hold my hand while we’re in there.” Rather than, say, threatening to take away his planned ice cream trip if he doesn’t stop touching things.

• The dad who knows that his four-year-old daughter is at the phase where she’s constantly interrupting his conversations to ask, “Why?” will be more likely to greet the questions with bemused patience rather than threatening a timeout if his daughter keeps interrupting him.

• The mom who understands that her six-year-old daughter may have a meltdown or tantrum after coming home from a long day at school knows that this doesn’t mean she is spoiled rotten or a drama queen or going to be reactive every day after school until graduation. This knowledge is likely to ease her mind and make her better able to practice empathy with her child—rather than sending her daughter to her room and telling her to stay there until she calms down.

• The dad who knows that his fifteen-year-old son has reached the stage where peers are his priority won’t internalize the rejection he feels or lay guilt trips on the boy for declining invitations to join family activities. Rather, the dad will actively support the child’s friendships and even look for new opportunities for the child to exercise independence.

Quit Taking It Personally (Q-TIP)

A father we know once became exasperated by his young son’s behavior. “Are you trying to make me mad?” the father snapped. “No, Daddy,” the boy replied. “I’m just trying to make me happy.” Softening immediately, the dad realized how much wisdom his son had to impart and learned to quietly look for the “Why?” behind his son’s behavior. One of the greatest practical tools we can offer to parents is one that comes by way of Jane Nelsen, author of Positive Discipline, and that is to Quit Taking It Personally—or Q-TIP.

Often you will be on the receiving end of your children’s worst (but wholly age-appropriate) moments. Some days will require more effort than others; you will revisit the same minor annoyances again and again; you will wonder—even believe—that if you were a better parent, or were using different techniques, you wouldn’t be having this problem. But just because aspects of parenting make you want to pull your hair out by the roots doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong—or that your kid is. The nice thing about heart-centered parenting is that it does most of the heavy lifting in your house because it ensures that your relationship with your kid is tight and their self-esteem is intact. So be sure to go easy on yourself. Be reasonable about your expectations, see age-appropriate behavior as a life stage to be navigated rather than a problem to be stamped out, and, ultimately, quit taking things so damn personally.

Is This a Real Problem? Four Problems That Usually Aren’t

It can be disconcerting, even frustrating, when your child can’t seem to sit still for five minutes or shoves her best friend and doesn’t feel bad about it or never thinks to say “please” or “thank you,” even though you have told her a hundred times that it’s the polite thing to do. But are these things real problems? Let’s find out.

1. My child won’t share! The earliest authentic sharing occurs around age four, but the desire to share won’t truly kick in for most kids until around seven. This is because children cannot understand the concept of sharing until they understand the concept of ownership. Until they fully grasp “me” and “mine,” sharing is more of a fluke than a genuine choice. However, modeling sharing is the healthiest thing to do, as kids love to copy what their parents are doing. Forcing a child to share when she is not developmentally ready rarely makes kids more willing to share, and will read as a big withdrawal from the child’s Emotional Bank Account.

2. My child is selfish! Before age four, children’s brains have not yet engaged the concepts of empathy and compassion. If you ask a young child if she feels bad for hurting another child, she typically will say, “No!” If you ask the child if she meant to hurt the other child, she typically will say, “Yes!” These are honest answers given by a child who does not yet have the capacity for empathy. Our children’s brains will be developing into their twenties, which means their frontal lobes—where empathy is headquartered—probably will not be fully accessible until after they have moved out of your house. So when your five- or ten- or fifteen-year-old seems completely self-absorbed from time to time, don’t sweat it. That’s just human development for you.

3. My child is rude! Surprisingly to some, authentic gratitude does not develop until about age seven or eight. Young children may memorize and repeat the words “please,” “thank you,” and “sorry” if modeled to them; however, they probably do not authentically understand why they’re doing it. According to Helen R. Neville, a nurse, educator, and author of several books about children’s temperaments, that’s because children need life experience to understand what it means to “go out of your way” for someone. Still, refusing to apologize or lack basic consideration for others can be a trigger for us as parents. When our children loudly voice their disdain for gifts, or make insensitive comments around adults, or flat out refuse to say, “I’m sorry,” it can be embarrassing and stressful. Many times, because of how we were raised, our gut instinct is to scold them publicly or fret about it privately. But, before age eight, children in these situations aren’t being rude; they’re showing age-appropriate honesty. And honesty is a value that will serve our children well into the future—far more than “politeness” will ever do. (It certainly stands to reason that girls who learn politeness over honesty are more likely to be victimized later in life. “Don’t touch me,” is an honest statement, but not necessarily a “polite” one.)

Listen, no one likes it when a child says something rude. It’s grating. It makes them seem entitled. But name-calling and shaming children for what generally constitutes a stage will work against you in the long run. So, as always, try to focus on the feelings rather than the way the feelings are being expressed. “It looks like you are disappointed about the new game I got you . . .” and take it from there.

4. My child is regressing! Sometimes it’s impossible to look at our children’s behavior and not think to ourselves, You ought to know better than that by now. But it’s also important to remember that you can’t necessarily tell by looking at a child what she is capable of or where she is emotionally. And, sometimes, emotional growth ebbs and flows. A little regression now and then is to be expected and natural. In Your Child’s Self-Esteem, Dorothy Corkille Briggs said that growth is a “zigzag path” and that parents would do well to stay away from statements like, “You’re too big for this nonsense!”—which eats away at self-worth. If kids feel safe to regress a little, Briggs said, they’ll usually grow forward much more quickly.

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

As we’ve mentioned before, people have a false notion that saying yes too often will spoil kids or that, once you’ve said something, you absolutely must follow through with it. There is a time for consistency and there is a time for flexibility; the latter is magic when it comes to dissolving power struggles.

When a child challenges you on something, Ty and Linda recommend asking yourself three questions—questions based on those posed by parenting educator Barbara Coloroso in Kids Are Worth It!

1. “Is my child’s behavior unhealthy?”

2. “Is it unsafe?” and

3. “Is it morally objectionable?”

If the answer is no, ask yourself why you are trying to stop your child from doing something he wants or requiring him to do something he doesn’t want to do. Is it cultural norms? Other parents? Your fear of being wishy-washy or permissive? What is the worst thing that could happen if you do let it go? What’s the best thing?

We parents have an amazing capacity for sweating the small stuff. But we don’t have to. We can let the little things go for the sake of our relationships. And, if we can, why wouldn’t we?

Things that parents tend to “sweat the small stuff” over:

•Attitude

•Bedrooms

•Clothes

•Food

•Hair

•Homework

•Manners

•Messiness

•Regressing

•Sharing

•Table manners

•Tantrums

Sometimes we lose sight of the fact that our children’s growth deserves not only to be understood but also to be celebrated. By becoming familiar with our children’s stages, we can do that. We don’t have to worry that the minor annoyances we experience will endure; in fact, it’s almost guaranteed that they won’t.

Hitting May Be a Developmental Stage But It’s Still Not Okay

Age-appropriate behavior isn’t always family-appropriate. Just because a kid’s aggression is normal for her age or stage doesn’t automatically mean it gets a pass—and it certainly doesn’t get ignored. Even some “normal behavior” cries out for intervention and guidance. Reasonable limits and boundaries always apply, and we’ll get into limits and boundaries soon.

What’s not appropriate, though, is shaming, manipulating, or punishing a child for hitting. We’ve said it before, but it bears repeating here: Punishment brings about compliance through fear. And while fear may “work” in the short term, the cost is high. That four-year-old who is scared of you? She won’t be scared of you forever, and the fear you put into her will likely turn to resentment, hostility, and even rage. You are sacrificing your relationship with your child at the altar of “good behavior.”

When Your Child Faces a Challenge That Goes Beyond the Scope of This Book

ParentShift focuses exclusively on ten universal truths—which account for much of your child’s behavior. But, as we indicated in Chapter 1, there are some exceptions to that rule. These exceptions include challenges related to physical discomfort (fatigue, hunger, illness, overstimulation, puberty), as well as those rooted in some type of childhood adversity, such as:

• Abuse

• ADHD

• Autism spectrum disorder

• Death in the family

• Divorce

• Emotional disorders

• Extreme poverty/homelessness

• Mental illness

• Neglect

• New baby

• Other atypical challenges

• Physical disabilities

• Sexual abuse

• Sudden or extreme life changes

• Trauma

None of our toolkits say, “Feed your child if he’s hungry,” “Remove child from strobe-lit-filled restaurant if he is overstimulated,” “Take your child to a doctor if you suspect mental illness,” or “Make sure your child is living in a safe environment.” We trust you to do these things as a matter of course. And, of course, our advice is not a substitute for professional help. That said, even if you are facing a challenge related to a physical need or an issue that may require outside intervention, our ten universal truths are still at work, and our toolkits are still valuable. Just be good to yourself and remain heart-centered in your approach. Your child may need it more than ever.

“What we call adolescent disobedience is often nothing more than a child’s normal growth toward independence.”

—DOROTHY WALTER BARUCH

ParentShift Assignment: Identify Your Child’s Developmental Stage

Look over the emotional and behavioral stage for your child’s age, as well as the stages typical for kids one year younger and one year older in Appendix C. Are any of the behaviors familiar? Any surprises on the list? Now think of a time when you reacted negatively to a behavior related to one of those stages. What would have happened if you’d let it go?

Note: The toolkit for developmental stages is located at the end of the next chapter.