6
Know What to Say, When to Say It, and What Not to Say

Because every argument has slippery slopes

In this chapter you’ll discover eight business-as-usual argument moves. But how they play out may not be to your liking.

Meet Libby and Sam

Because they argue with Sue about schoolwork

“Our high schooler, Sue, is bright and capable. That’s the good news. The bad news is that just about everything takes a priority over homework.

“We’ve tried the usual approaches: ‘Please, I can’t take it anymore. You’ve got to do your homework’ and ‘What am I going to do with you?’ What arguments can we possibly make to convince Sue to get serious about school?”

From bookstore signings and radio show call-ins, it was clear what moms and dads in cities and towns big and small were thinking. When presented with similar scenarios, here are the supposedly “cool moves” and “hot tips” suggested by call-in audiences:

Images Liking: Be incredibly nice to Sue so she will feel obligated to reciprocate by studying more. Feeling that she is liked may make Sue feel more conciliatory.

Images Specific payoff to be earned: “Sue, if you study more, I’ll increase your allowance by half.”

Images Punishment to be imposed: “Sue, if you don’t study more, I’ll cut your allowance in half.”

Images Personal betterment: “Sue, if you study more, it will be your gain because you’ll have bettered yourself.”

Images Loss of betterment: “Sue, not studying is your loss because you’re not living up to your potential.”

Images Specific payoff in advance of compliance: “Sue, I’m raising your allowance by half, but I expect you to study much more.”

Images Specific punishment in advance of compliance: “Sue, I’m cutting your allowance in half until you start studying more.”

Images Personal satisfaction: “Sue, by studying harder you’ll feel better about yourself, knowing you have given school your all.”

Images Loss of satisfaction: “Sue, if you don’t study you’ll go through life blaming yourself for not having given the best you have to give.”

Images Appeal to morality: “Sue, it’s morally wrong not to study so you can be all you can possibly be.”

Images Appeal to popular opinion: “Sue, your family and friends will be so proud of you if you get good grades.”

Images Fear of rejection: “Sue, the family will be so disappointed if you don’t get good grades.”

Images Personal request: “Sue, I want you to get into a good college. As a favor to me, I want you to study harder.”

Images Sense of indebtedness: “Sue, I am sacrificing so you don’t need to work after school. You owe it to me to study harder and get good grades.”

Images Logic: “Sue, college graduates earn much more than non-graduates. With that extra income, you’ll be able to have a much nicer home, car, and clothes.”

Images Appeal to self-esteem: “Sue, a smart and mature person would want to study to make the most of herself.”

Images Threat to self-esteem: “Sue, it would be irresponsible and immature of you not to take full advantage of a wonderful education.”

Some of these suggestions are bribes. Some are warm and fuzzy pitches. Others are bullying, whining, wheedling, plodding, prodding, threatening, intimidating, disparaging, minimizing, or strong-arming.

Which of these plays have you used in arguments? Which ones worked well for you? Which ones did not? Which of these 17 argument plays would you choose if Sue were your daughter?

A logic play? You can tell Sue the reasons she should study. But people reacting emotionally don’t always respond to logic. Logic is a response to the reasons that Sue actually disclosed. The real problem may lie with reasons that Sue keeps to herself rather than disclosing.

A domination play? (“You cannot….” “I insist that you….” “You are required to….” “My policy is….”) A domination play is an invitation to a power struggle. A “because I’m the mommy, that’s why” argument is only effective when both parties recognize and accept the power relationship.

“Sue, you’ll lose your driving privileges unless you study four hours a day” may get immediate action, but it’s counterproductive in the long run. There’s a difference between winning Sue’s compliance and winning her commitment. Sue’s fear of losing car privileges will lead to resentment. It won’t lead to a true change.

A negotiation play? To negotiate is to compromise. By their very nature, negotiations may lead to a result where neither Mom and Dad nor Sue is completely satisfied. Besides, negotiating an agreement that Sue will study two hours each evening may not be enough to get the job done.

An incentive play? Giving Sue an incentive to study “tonight” or “to study all week” won’t produce long-term results. You may be able to implement a long-term incentive program, but will it result in Sue developing good study habits? If there is going to be an incentive, the choice of the incentive has to be yours, not Sue’s. (“Sue, don’t get the impression that because we offered to let you use our car on Saturday afternoons we owe you something for doing your homework. Whether or not we offer you a reward is our choice, not yours.”)

Salespeople are coached to introduce incentives by asking questions rather than touting the benefits their product or service has to offer. (“What if you could cut your telephone long-distance rates by 35 percent?”)

A threatening play? (“You really don’t want me to….” “You’re forcing me to….” “You’ll be sorry if you….”) I was in a room where lawyers were finger-pointing and threatening each other with all sorts of retaliation. Finally, one lawyer took a deep breath and after a few moments of silence said, “Now that we’ve gone through all of the ‘Don’t-mess-with-me-I-know-karate stuff,’ let’s get down to business.”

There are too many “never evers” in life to begin with: never ever stand until the captain turns off the seat belt sign…never ever flirt in the workplace…never ever kiss dogs on the lips…never ever buy dented canned goods…never ever use a radar detector (the cops get seriously annoyed when they pull you over and see one)…never ever hog the remote…and so on. Nonetheless, I have to add a few more to the list:

Images Never ever make a threat without first casting it as a soft-touch warning: “Sue, if you don’t study, I’ll have no choice but to consider cutting your allowance.”

Images Never ever make a threat you don’t want to carry out. Don’t threaten to kick Sue out of the house if that is the last thing you would ever want to do.

Images Never ever use a big threat in furtherance of a small gain. Telling Sue that if her grades don’t improve she “will never go out on Saturday night again” won’t sound credible under any circumstances. Your threat has to be proportional to its purpose and objective.

A catastrophe-avoidance play? I was 30 years old when my first child, Steve, was born. No sooner had the cigars been passed out than I was confronted by an endless stream of life insurance salespeople. All of them had the same pitch: If I died, Steve might not be able to go to college. My family could be forced to move to a place where danger lurked in every corner. And my wife, Bev, would be forced to work long hours just to make ends meet.

I didn’t buy into their arguments and held off buying life insurance until I was in my late 30s. Waiting may or may not have been the wise thing to do. But then at age 30, I couldn’t envision anything other than immortality. The probability of dropping dead in my tracks was beyond my contemplation.

In my freshman philosophy class, we dealt with this thorny question: Suppose state highway patrol officers no longer issued speeding tickets. Instead, a single officer would roam the highways with strict orders to summarily execute anyone caught speeding. Would our highways be safer because of the possibility of on-the-spot execution?

It is not enough to present a risk. The other person must feel that the risk is real. The class agreed that the chance of being caught was so remote that the risk of execution was almost nonexistent. There is a difference between a possibility and a probability.

You can tell Sue that if she doesn’t study she’ll never be all she can be. But Sue won’t be motivated unless she buys into the probability of that really happening.

A strong-arm play? Getting Sue to hit the books is not about strong-arming her. If Mom and Dad stop talking to Sue, cut off her allowance, don’t drive her where she wants to go, or strong-arm her in other ways, she’ll feel bitter. Resentful. She’ll look for get-even opportunities.

An accommodation play? Most of us avoid confrontations because they result in anger, defensiveness, or rejection. Telling Sue “We give up. do what you want. You know how we feel, but it’s your life and future.” An accommodation play means giving into Sue’s refusal to study. You’re responding to Sue’s emotions, but you’re not managing them.

Chapter Summary

You have choices: what to say, when to say it, and what not to say. Some choices may work in the short-run but be detrimental in the long run. Other choices may be counterproductive from their very outset. When making a choice, keep in mind the advice of a Maine Lobsterman.

Groping along in dense coastal fog is part of being a Maine lobsterman. “How do you know where the rocks are?” newsman Walter Cronkite asked a lobsterman.

“Don’t,” he replied. “I know where they ain’t.”

And as for Libby and Sam and the choices they have, stay tuned. Chapter 11 has special strategies for finessing consent from family and friends—special strategies because long-term relationships deserve special care and handling.