11
Finesse Consent From Family and Friends

Because long-term relationships deserve special care and handling

In this chapter, you’ll discover the way to win long-term results and preserve relationships that you can’t turn your back on. So here it is, a self-persuasion strategy to finesse family, friends, and coworkers.

Recall meeting Sue, the daughter who argues nightly with her parents about homework? Let’s continue where we left off in Chapter 6.

Your argument can threaten, bribe, plead, cajole, intimidate—plays that won’t cause Sue to change. Studying just to make Mom and Dad happy isn’t change. Sue will only truly change when it’s in her self-interest to change. When she wants to adopt a new attitude about schoolwork; when she believes it’s important to study.

Self-persuasion takes some effort, but it is a long-lasting, relationship-enhancing strategy. Pretend that Sue is your daughter. Now let’s put a self-persuasion strategy into play.

Play #1: With a still center, consider the relationship at stake.

Sue is your daughter and she’ll be your daughter for the long run. Assume there’s an equality in your relationship with Sue. Agreed, there’s a true difference in standing between a parent and a child, a boss and an employee, a teacher and a student. But a self-persuasion strategy is advanced by assuming a fictional equality. It’s a state of equality that creates a connectivity that gives Sue the time and space to express her ideas and feelings. This state of fictional equality helps construct a Consent Zone where ideas can be tested and communications restored.

Use the Question Sandwiches and the 75/25 Partnering Secret in Chapter 3 to ensure that Sue has the space to make herself truly heard. Having been heard, Sue will be more receptive to what you have to say.

A fictional equality means resisting your urge to be…

Diagnosing: “Sue, I know just what your problem is.”

Judging: “Sue, that’s the craziest (or silliest, worst, most stupid) idea I’ve ever heard.”

Preaching: “Sue, you really should be….”

Disparaging: “Sue, you’re still only a kid and you don’t understand.”

Minimizing: “Sue, you’re trying to make a big deal out of it. Well, it’s not.”

It’s important to the persuasion progression to hear Sue out. Try to understand how she feels. Show her you understand what it is she’s telling you.

By identifying with Sue and her situation, she’ll begin to feel that you’ll try to work with her side-by-side rather than toe-to-toe. By affecting and being affected, you’re creating an aura of interactive power. When Sue perceives you as sharing the homework/social life dilemma, your suggestions will be given a “teammate’s” consideration:

Example #1: Your friends are very important to you. And I understand you feel like a study nerd whom life is passing by.

Example #2: I know you feel that your teachers really seem to be loading on the homework. They may not be aware of how many assignments each is giving you. But we need to talk about how the work will get done.

Play #2: Use “I feel” statements to express how you feel and what you want.

“I feel” statements are a linking tactic because they are not judgmental and can’t be disproved.

Because you want Sue to understand your feelings and reasoning, what you don’t want to say is “You’re not studying enough….”

Example #1: I feel it’s important that you study more because….

Example #2: I feel that high school is really a small part of life. We all have to make short-term sacrifices for long-term goals.

Sue can’t find fault with your feelings. If you tell Sue you feel happy, she can’t tell you you’re wrong. If you tell Sue you feel sad, she can’t correct you. How can Sue tell you that those aren’t your feelings?

Chances are pretty good that you have a shopping list of grievances unrelated to Sue’s studying: Her room is messy…her makeup is too heavy…her ears have been pierced one too many times. Now isn’t the time to unload old baggage.

Avoid absolutes such as always and never. They beg for rebuttal. Rarely will anyone always or never do a given thing.

Be current with your specifics. Focus on how you want things done now. Don’t look back to find fault. It may make you feel good to say your piece (“Why can’t you do a good job like your brother does?”), but low blows will only make things worse.

Play #3: Tell Sue that your disagreement is with what she does, not who she is.

Now is the time to restate your positive feelings about Sue as a person. Empower Sue by letting her know that you’re willing to explore mutually acceptable alternatives.

Example: I know that your friends are very important to you. And I think you know how strongly I feel about schoolwork.

Create hypothetical experiences. “Suppose we were…” or “Let’s assume…” hypothetical experiences cause involvement. Involvement is the persuasive forerunner to change.

Quest for points of agreement rather than an overall solution. Moving from agreement to agreement rather than conflict to agreement is an approach pattern that will increase rapport and lessen Sue’s resistance. If you can’t agree on specific major issues, seek an agreement in principle that can be a bridge to further discussion.

Play #4: If a solution can’t be reached, let Sue know that she’s leaving you no choice other than to lay down study rules.

It’s rare that someone will admit that he or she is being unreasonable. Asking Sue “Why can’t you be reasonable?” or “What is your problem?” are questions that weaken linkage and invite further argument.

Act in a self-assured manner. Don’t be defensive and don’t apologize for your requests. Statements such as “I really don’t like asking you to do this, but…” forecast and prompt a negative response. A still center keeps you from projecting weakness that would encourage Sue to become more forceful and domineering.

By casting your warning as a question rather than an edict, you’ll be less likely to draw a combative response:

You think you should be able to be with your friends and do the things that are important to you. I feel that although studying requires time and effort, the long-term benefits are worth the sacrifice you need to make. If you won’t study, what choice will I have other than to set rules and have penalties if they aren’t followed?

Play #5: If Sue is willing to study harder, motivate her with praise.

The better Sue feels about how she’s doing, the more motivated she’ll be to succeed. Don’t save the praise for As. Let her know that you appreciate how hard she is trying:

Example #1: I really like the way you started your homework on time today without arguing.

Example #2: That paper you did on the Revolution was excellent.

Play #6: If Sue isn’t willing to study harder, firmly assert your position.

Being assertive is saying what you mean and meaning what you say. It’s your clear call for action, and leaves no doubt where you’re coming from.

Example #1: Sue, until your grades improve, everything else will have to take a backseat to study time.

Example #2: In this house, homework is your first priority. There will be no more arguments. You will do your homework and you will do the very best job you can do.

The difference between being aggressive and being assertive is sensitivity. Being aggressive is “being impossible back.” (“I’m sick of wasting my time trying to get you to do your homework. Can’t you ever do anything the way you’re supposed to?”)

Let’s play out the scenario….

Mom: It’s time to do your homework.

Sue: I need to call Josh to tell him what happened to me today. Just one more phone call…I promise.

Mom: It’s always one more phone call. One more TV program.

Sue: You’re not being fair! I’m losing all my friends because of you. Why are you always on my case?

Mom: Why shouldn’t I be on your case? All you ever do is talk on the phone or watch TV. I’ll be plenty fair when your grades improve!

Sue: Why are you always picking on me? Why can’t you just leave me alone? It’s not fair!

Mom, when you lost your still center you got in your own way and lost control. Did you feel the focus shifting from Sue’s responsibility to study to whether you’re being fair? Sue has lured you into an argument. That argument isn’t even about homework anymore. It’s now about fairness.

To avoid an argument with Sue, repeat your expectation firmly and clearly no matter what Sue says:

Mom: I understand. But I want you to do your homework now.

Sue: I need to call Josh to tell him what happened to me today. Just one more phone call…I promise.

Mom: I understand. But I want you to do your homework now.

Sue: You’re not being fair! I’m losing all my friends because of you. Why are you always on my case?

Mom: I understand. But I want you to do your homework now.

Sue: Why do you always pick on me? Why can’t you leave me alone? It’s not fair!

Mom: I understand. But I want you to do your homework now.

You’ve avoided an argument by standing your ground. You were neither defensive of your position nor critical of Sue’s.

If this stuck-in-a-groove play doesn’t work, then it’s time to back up your words by stating clearly and specifically what you mean and what will happen:

Mom: The decision is yours. Each night until you do your homework there will be no TV. No phone calls. No music. It’s entirely up to you.

Cast your threat with caution. Meaningless, vague threats are worthless. (“You’ll do your homework and you’ll do it right or you’ll be one very sorry young lady!”)

Sue may try to manipulate you through anger, tears, or pleading. Be consistent. Back down and your credibility will be lost. And as for making a last-resort threat? Follow the rules in Chapter 6 (see page 94).

Chapter Summary

People who feel they’re being talked into something can’t be influenced. Self-persuasion plays make Sue feel you’re working with her, side by side, affecting and being affected. A self-persuasion argument produces long-term, relationship-enhancing results.