NOW YOU ARE probably wondering how and when to respond to a guy who does text you first. By far the most frequently asked question we get from clients and readers is “I just got a text from a guy I like. When do I write back and what do I say? Please get back to me ASAP.”
We all know intellectually that this question is not a real dating emergency. We have true emergency consultations like finding messages from another woman on a guy’s phone or a boyfriend walking out after a fight. Obviously, we drop everything to help these clients. Yet there is something about receiving a first text from a cute guy that feels like life and death. A little bell goes off, bringing about a sense of urgency to answer it. We live in an instant-gratification society, and texting is the pièce de résistance.
All Rules Girls know not to call men and to rarely return their calls, a Rule that still applies today. But technology has changed so much in the last fifteen years that a text cannot always be treated in the exact same way. After discussing with our daughters and through many consultations, we realized some major differences. A guy will call again if he doesn’t get you, but texting is sort of like a phone call that reaches you every time: there’s never a bad time for either party and it’s never intrusive. If you don’t text back at all, he may not know you are waiting for another text or even a phone call. He may just interpret it as a rejection—as if you actually said, “No, thanks.” Or he may think you are playing some kind of a game.
Indeed, not answering a guy’s text at all or taking too long to do so when the whole world is glued to their phones will raise all kinds of red flags: Did she read The Rules? Is she not interested? Or is she just pretending not to be interested? We want to avoid any such possible problems.
Before our first book came out, no one questioned a woman when she took hours or even a day or two to call a guy back or even rarely returned his calls. But for the last fifteen years or so, with the popularity of our book and its infiltration into our culture and lexicon—The Rules has been mentioned on sitcoms, talk shows, and in magazines and newspapers—guys sometimes get suspicious that you are playing a game if you don’t contact them back in a reasonable amount of time. All the more reason, we are saying, not to ignore texts or wait days to text back. Don’t be impossible to get. Don’t give guys reasons to find you rude or difficult before the first date. We have interviewed guys on this subject, and while most said that not hearing back from a woman for hours wouldn’t stop them from asking her out, they felt that not hearing back at all would be irksome and a possible sign that she was not interested or employing some dating strategy. As Oprah famously said on her show, “Guys like a Rules Girl, they just don’t want it to be because she read a book.” We don’t want to teach women to insult men!
Our official answer about when to respond to a first text is to wait somewhere between four and twenty-four hours, depending on your age. Four hours is for the younger set—for those in college and women in their early to mid-twenties who grew up with texting and Facebook. The older you are, the longer you should try to wait. For example, a thirty-year-old should wait more like twelve hours, and a forty-plus-year-old should wait a day to reply. (See Text-Back Times chart on here–here.)
But it’s a little more complicated than that. If a guy texts you for the first time at, say, 9 or 10 a.m., you wouldn’t write back exactly four hours later while you’re at school or work because, theoretically, you are not checking your phone all day long. You would wait until after you clock out and leave, whenever that is. If our suggested minimum wait time falls during the middle of your day, keep waiting! Remember that it is a minimum and you can’t be expected to look at your phone all the time—or give the impression that you do.
If a guy texts you for the first time in the late afternoon, say at 3 or 4 p.m., you should write back later in the evening, after the time you would be at happy hour or dinner with friends. You can even wait until the next morning—what if you got home late from a movie? In this case, you’re giving the impression that you’re out doing something fun in the evenings rather than sitting around and fiddling with your phone.
If a guy first texts you after 8 p.m., you should not write back four hours later at midnight, even if you are in the younger age group. You’re better off waiting until the next day to avoid late-night texting. In this case, you should write back on your way to class or work the next morning.
These text-back times do not apply to weekends, specifically from Friday at 6 p.m. to Sunday at 6 p.m.; this zone is a “blackout period.” Just like airlines have blackout periods in which you can’t use your frequent-flier points, so do Rules Girls! Weekends are a dead zone. You’re unavailable, you’re unreachable, you’re busy, you’re gone! But don’t get mad that he’s texting you on Saturday. He may have been spoiled by non-Rules Girls who put up with or even initiate weekend text chatfests—but you aren’t one of them! Don’t text lecture him with “Why are you texting me on Saturday? Why didn’t you just ask me out by Wednesday for Saturday?” Instead, silently show him that you are not available by not responding at all during the weekend so he knows he must make plans in advance in the future. You can text him back on Sunday night, “Thanks, sounded good, but I already had plans.” The only exception to this Rule is if he already asked you out by Wednesday for Saturday night and is texting during the dead zone to confirm plans. Otherwise, you are blocked out from casual texting on the weekends.
There is, however, one exception to waiting: if he needs an answer right away because he wants to buy concert tickets or something else time-sensitive and needs to make sure the date is good for you, you can quickly write back, “Hey, the 14th at 8 p.m. sounds great tx!” But do not abuse this exception or use it as an opportunity to start an unnecessary longer conversation.
Most women, especially those who don’t know that dating is strategic, text back men in nanoseconds. So we had to come up with a sensible text-back-time plan that women of all ages can use to delay their natural tendency to respond too quickly and to write more than he does. To a “Hi it’s Steven from the other night, how are you?” first text, the average woman will write back in two seconds: “Nice to hear from you! Actually I’m on my lunch break now so heading over to the library to check out a self-help book my friend told me about lol. My car needed to be inspected so I left it at the shop this am. So I’m just walking everywhere today. What’s up with you?” These women are spoiling guys now more than ever. Remember, it’s just a first text from a new guy! All he wrote was “How are you?” He did not ask for your life story. If you took four hours and wrote back a brief response, it would be absolutely fine. No big deal. In other words, don’t interrupt your physics lab, yoga class, or business meeting to answer his text. It can wait! He can wait. You feel compelled to text back paragraphs right away… lest what? Another girl will text him and take him away with her quick and witty response? More likely, he will think you are busy and/or with other guys—and that would be a good thing.
It’s important to realize that for a guy, not every text is as earth-shattering as it is for you. He could be texting you while filling his tank at the gas station. For guys, texting can be fun, like a sport or video game. But for a girl, a text from a cute guy is really special, like winning the lottery. In the midst of twenty other messages from girlfriends, coworkers, her parents, and her sister, there’s a text from the guy she really likes and it’s all she can think about.
Before reading our book, she writes back immediately. Within an hour of hasty texting back and forth, they know more about each other than would have been divulged on a first date. During a lull, she goes over the conversation to dissect its meaning—she might forward it to her friends to understand exactly what he is saying. She studies it like an SAT prep book or the Scriptures. Typically this woman ends up in a chatfest that doesn’t lead to a date—certainly not a Saturday night date—and then contacts us for help. She doesn’t understand why her relationships are casual or fizzle out, despite a promising he-spoke-to-her-first beginning. She thought she should be available and text guys back nonstop to keep them interested. Not true! That’s why we are writing this book. Stop treating texts like an emergency that requires an immediate response. After you read this chapter, texting back in nanoseconds should feel like touching a hot stove!
There’s another critical piece to this Rule: after you do text back, limit the conversation to fifteen minutes or ten total exchanges. This strategy makes him wonder what you are doing, creates anticipation, and forces him to ask you out to have a relationship. All these things are good, so don’t feel guilty about them!
Brittany, twenty-two, met a guy at a party who walked over to her—a promising beginning! He got her number and texted her the next day, “Hey there, so glad we met last night. I was wondering how your day is going.” What was her next move? Four hours later she wrote back: “Nice meeting you too! Work is good but crazy busy!” She had wanted to ask him how his day was going but we advised her against it, reminding her that she wanted him to ask her out. We told her to be witty but brief to prevent endless chatter. He wrote back five minutes later, “What do you do for work?” She wrote back thirty minutes later, “I’m a pharmaceutical sales rep.” He wrote back three minutes later, “Do you get to try out all the drugs for free? haha.” She wrote back twenty minutes later, “nope, lol.” Two minutes later he wrote, “So what do you like to do for fun? Maybe we can go to the movies. Are you free this Saturday night?” She wrote back thirty minutes later, “Yes, that would be great.” Mission accomplished! No chatfest and this Rules Girl got a date!
Stacey, twenty-four, had to work a little harder to rope in a guy. She got this text at 8 p.m. on a Tuesday night from a guy she had met at a bar: “Great meeting you last night. That place has really delicious appetizers. How are you doing? Any fun plans this weekend?” First she dissected it on her own. She wasn’t 100 percent sure if he was asking her out or just chatting. With his chitchatty questions, she was worried about it turning into a textfest with no date. She wanted to write back, “No, this weekend is really wide open. Why, what are you doing?” Absolutely not! First of all, he did not ask her out directly or suggest a specific night, so it would be presumptuous to assume that. Because he sent his message after 7 p.m., she waited until the next morning and wrote, “Nice meeting you too… nothing definite for the weekend yet!”
He wrote back two minutes later: I thought maybe we could get together.
Stacey waited 30 minutes and wrote back: Sure, that sounds great!
He wrote back: What were you thinking? When is good for you?
Stacey waited 20 minutes and wrote back: When did you have in mind?
He wrote back five minutes later: Saturday night for dinner?
Stacey waited 30 minutes this time and wrote back: OK, great!
The highlights here: Never assume a guy is asking you out, and don’t volunteer your schedule. Make him pin you down for a specific night. And of course, don’t text him back immediately, and when you do respond, mix it up and write fewer words than he does. In addition, never double text (write twice before he responds once), as you will come across as too eager.
Not sure how soon or long to wait to answer a guy’s subsequent texts? Look no further! Here is our chart for minimum response times by age with detailed explanations.
| Age | Minimum Text-Back Time | Why |
| 18–22 years old | 30 minutes Want to really catch his attention? Wait an hour! | If you are 18 to 22 years old and in a committed, exclusive relationship, you should text back after 30 minutes, but can text more regularly than with a guy you just met, but you still have to be somewhat mysterious and end it first. |
| 23–25 years old | One hour Want to really catch his attention? Wait two hours! | Women 23 to 25 years old are usually busy working and living in their own apartments. They have real things going on like business meetings and a commute and rent and bills to deal with, so it would be completely realistic to take an hour to get back to a guy, and it wouldn’t be so bad to make a guy wait two hours! Rules Girls do not check their texts in the middle of a meeting with a client or while driving home from work. The first is not smart and the second is dangerous. |
| 26–30 years old | Two hours Want to really catch his attention? Wait three hours! | Women 26 to 30 years old are not only working and being social, but they have even more responsibilities than recent college graduates. Perhaps they have a secretary or supervise an assistant and have to do important things like check their balances online or meet their quotas. They are also hopefully going to parties and clubs and on dates, so they can’t text back all day long either. |
| 31 and over | Three hours Want to really catch his attention? Wait four hours! | Most women 31 years old and older want to get married. They have important jobs and other responsibilities and interests such as mortgages, volunteer work, and nieces and nephews, and have no time to text back men who just want to text and not ask them out for Saturday night dates. |
All texts, especially the first one from a new guy, should be responded to with fewer words than he wrote. For example, if he writes, “Hey what’s up? Wanna go out sometime?” you should write back, “Sure, that sounds like fun.” Do not write back, “Sure, that would be great. Work is kind of crazy, but I am free this Thursday night and all weekend and I know a really cool happy hour place.” That would be too many words as well as too eager. For whatever reason, women can blow men out of the water with their verbiage. By writing more than a guy, you become the more interested party, and thus the pursuer, because the more words you use, the more interested and available you seem. Less is more! Remember, in the beginning you want to seem too busy to text immediately or to text a lot so he has to chase you.
When we help women with answering subsequent texts, we ask how she and the guy met, their ages, whether they are in fact dating or just texting a lot, how long they have been seeing each other, and what the current situation is. No matter the circumstances, a Rules Girl should not text back in less than thirty minutes or three hours, depending on her age. These are minimums! Even if a guy is texting to confirm a date, you can wait an hour to write back. Remember, you don’t live to text—you have a life!
Remember, these text-back times are not for answering a guy’s first text. That should always be a minimum of four hours or more. But once a text conversation gets going, you should not rigidly stick to the response time for your age group. Not only would that be taking too long, but it would also be too predictable. You have to mix it up so he doesn’t know what you are doing and doesn’t suspect you are employing any kind of dating strategy. If you are twenty years old, after your first response, you would then text back in thirty minutes, then five minutes to answer the next text, and then maybe ten to twenty minutes for the next. Then, when he is expecting another text in twenty minutes, throw in an hour-long wait so that you stay unpredictable. Keep him checking his phone in anticipation! While a guy might be caught off guard the first or second time you don’t text back right away, if you don’t text back right away, he will come to expect that and know you are busy doing other things and like to take your time. He will make up excuses as to why you didn’t write back faster. He will say, “You are so bad with your phone!”
When a guy doesn’t text or text back, women make up excuses for him: “He must be really busy with work,” or “He’s probably watching a football game,” or “His phone must have died.” But if she doesn’t text back right away herself, she feels she is being rude or cold or playing games. Don’t you have a life? Aren’t you busy, too? How can a guy prove whether you are doing The Rules or just busy? He can’t.
If you have BlackBerry Messenger, iMessage, or a similar program, a guy might be able to tell if you have read his text. If you don’t respond within a few minutes, he could be insulted that you read his text and didn’t write back quickly. If you have this feature on your phone, don’t read his text until you are ready to answer it.
Sara, a twenty-seven-year-old speech therapist in Seattle, met a hunky Realtor at a bar. He spoke to her first, asked for her number, and texted her the next day and the next day and the day after that, but never asked her out. She thought she was doing The Rules, but couldn’t figure out where she was going wrong, so she sent us the conversations.
Him: Hey great meeting you last night. How do you like Seattle? Very different from Florida, huh?
Her: I like it a lot—there’s a Starbucks on every corner!
Him: I don’t go to bars a lot, just wanted to chill with some friends, but then I got lucky and met you.
Her: Thanks. I’m not a big bar goer either.
Him: You’re very pretty. I wouldn’t think you would have problems meeting guys.
Her: Thanks, you’re sweet. So sorry, but I have to take a call for work.
Him: OK, we should get together sometime…
Her: That sounds great!
Him: Hey, you mentioned you like sushi. Maybe we can go for sushi sometime.
Her: Sure!
Him: Good to know, I’ve been looking for a sushi buddy. You also mentioned last night you have a sister in LA. I love LA. Have you been there recently?
Her: Yes, I went to LA and Arizona last month.
Him: Cool. What did you do there?
Her: We hung out at the beach. Next client just got here… Gotta run!
Him: OK TTYL
Him: So what do you like to do when you’re not working?
Her: Rent movies, work out, meet friends…
Him: Did you see the latest Mission Impossible? It was great.
Her: Yes! I really like Tom Cruise, he’s so funny.
Him: I’m burnt out here. I’m talking to some headhunters.
Her: Good luck! My boss just walked in…
Him: OK let’s make plans.
Her: Sounds good!
Although the hunky Realtor spoke to Sara first, got her number, and texted her first, and her Rules-y responses were properly timed and shorter than his, this was a case of text chatting gone wild. We told her that at this point, the only way he would ask her out was if she ignored his texts completely. She was shocked. “I thought I was allowed to text a little. Isn’t ignoring him rude?” No, it’s not rude—you’re just busy and have a life. If a guy wants to ask all these questions about LA and movies, he can ask over sushi!
Sara agreed to try it. The next morning when cute Realtor texted, “Hey, how’s your day going?” she didn’t write back. When he texted later that afternoon, “Meeting with headhunter. Wish me luck!” she ignored it. That night he texted “What r u up to?” and she ignored it again. The next morning he finally texted, “Hey there stranger, maybe we can meet for sushi this weekend.” She waited two hours and wrote back, “Sure, that sounds good!” Two minutes later he asked, “How is Friday night after work?” And thirty minutes after that she wrote, “Perfect.” And that was it. They finally had a first date and many dates after that.
If a guy is texting but not asking you out, you have to cut him off until he gets that you are too busy to just chat endlessly. This freezing-him-out plan is not about playing games but about boundaries, self-esteem, and self-worth. Men will eat up your time if you let them! Many women waste hours or days politely texting guys back throughout the day, yet find themselves dateless on Saturday night. Rules Girls don’t put up with aimless chitchat. Remember, the point of texting a guy back is to get a date or to be in a relationship—not to talk all day. But what if a guy stops texting you and never asks you out because you didn’t answer every text? Did you do anything wrong? No, he just wasn’t that crazy about you to begin with—he’s a time waster. Next!
We know that waiting won’t always be easy. In fact, it might even get harder when you are in a relationship and he knows your schedule or sees that you answer your girlfriends’ texts in two minutes! When you are with him, we suggest leaving your phone in your bag and not holding it in your hand all night, so he doesn’t think you are glued to it. Don’t show any interest in your phone or become animated or giddy and say, “OMG my BFF just posted the funniest photo” when you get a text. If you want to make it seem plausible that you are slow to reply, then don’t seem obsessed with your phone.
We are not telling you to be disingenuous, but if you want a guy to stare at his phone wondering when you are going to text him back, if you want a guy to dream about you and think about what you are doing when you are not with him, and if you want a guy’s heart to pound while waiting for you to text him back, then don’t answer him so fast. Making him wait to hear from you will make him think about you more, not less. And isn’t that what you want?