Relationships are living entities that evolve, morph, and transform, and to be successful, they require attention. No relationship will survive without adjustments, changes, and caring behaviors from the people involved in it. This simple, powerful statement by Patricia Zurita-Ona can dignify even your darkest moments as a parent. This book is written to help you walk that walk and discover the best of yourself, even in the worst moments you will face as a parent. It is a book especially designed for parents of teens with emotion dysregulation problems, those highly sensitive teens who require specialized skills and specialized responses from their parents. Sadly, many parents fail to appreciate this core principle of parenting. Parenting is a process, not an outcome, and success is not determined by heroic, single acts of acceptance or forgiveness, nor by “winning” a heated argument with a teenager. Parenting is a process that is best thought of as a long journey that, unbelievably enough, will bring you to your knees at one juncture and into contact with the best of who you are at another. And this process will go on and on as you and your child travel the path of life together. The journey requires that you persist in being guided by your values as a parent, even as the emotions of the moment tempt you to stop.
Here is another truth from this wonderfully written book: You cannot choose what shows up under your skin; you cannot choose how your teen feels, thinks, or behaves. But you can choose how to respond in that moment. In this book, Zurita-Ona is really laying out a serenity prayer for parents. Know what you can change (i.e., your behavior in this moment); know what you must accept (i.e., your own emotional reactions to your child, memories of your upbringing, self-doubts about your adequacy as a parent, and what your teen says and does to stimulate these things inside of you). And, finally, she offers you a way to self-knowledge: You possess the wisdom to know the difference. Part of this self-knowledge is learning the different types of thoughts that create roadblocks to being true to your values as a parent. The book is written with a format that helps parents to look at their own behaviors that might be driven by either being fused with their internal mind noise or avoiding those uncomfortable emotions themselves. The second part of the book, “Being Real,” taps into how the mind comes up with rules, future and past thoughts, stories, and evaluations that only derail parents from having a real relationship with their teen; it teaches parents multiple defusion skills for dealing with each one of those thoughts, images, and memories that show up in their mind.
Here is the central question that life poses in your quest to be the best parent you can be: When dealing with your teen and feeling triggered by what she’s saying or doing, are you willing to have those thoughts, memories, sensations, feelings, and urges, and still do what matters to you as a parent in that particular moment? This is the essence of the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy approach to parenting: what really matters to us. Acceptance is the alternative to the useless struggle to control things in our inner world that can’t be controlled. It offers an alternative to using ill-advised strategies that give you momentary relief but backfire in the long run. Emotional pain is not bad for you; instead, it shines a light on what matters to you. Being in the present moment is the alternative to shutting down your emotions and trying to parent your teen at arms-length so you won’t get hurt; it presents an alternative to the inward feeling of being rejected or the worry that you are a failure. Zurita-Ona’s book is full of easy, practical strategies you can use to help you accept what is going on inside, get present, and be the parent you want to be.
As any parent knows, having the wisdom to respond in a way that will bring you closer to your teen is much easier said than done; standing in the way is your own reluctance to feel what you feel, think what you think, remember what you remember, and sense what you sense inside. There is a chapter specifically written for fathers or male caregivers because societal rules about how to be a man do not necessarily drive effective parenting behaviors. Remember that the journey of parenting is really an inward-looking process catalyzed by this annoying life force you brought into the world. There is an old saying that makes another important point about parenting: It takes two to tango. You and your teen’s behaviors are inextricably linked and are keyed in with each other. As Zurita-Ona points out, as human beings, you are both actually seeking the same thing: At the root of your emotional needs, your teen’s emotional needs, and every human being’s emotional needs, there is the same need for affection, caring, acceptance, forgiveness, and love. Wouldn’t it be awesome if you could bring that thought along with you when you are tempted to kill your teen! Hey! You are both seeking the same thing; it is not about winning this battle of wills. It is about figuring out a way to have us both get to that place of mutual affection, acceptance, and love. This book will give you a tool chest of practical strategies for getting you and your teen to that place. It is not about validating your teen’s behaviors; it is about finding ways to appreciate and empathize with your teen’s struggle. It is also about helping you find forgiveness and compassion for yourself as the parent of a teen who struggles with emotional dyregulation. There is often a need for parents to let go of the guilt they carry inside.
There is a long-standing theory about parenting that I would recommend you strongly adhere to, and it oozes out of the pores of this book. It is not about being a perfect parent; there aren’t any of those on this planet. It is about being a good enough parent. Being a good enought parent is about remembering that even though you made mistakes along the way, your intentions were honorable and you did enough good things to give your teen a chance to succeed in the world. You don’t have to do everything right to be the parent you want to be. In some senses, parenting is a form of judo; you take the negative energy of the moment and transform it into an opportunity for compassion toward yourself and your teen. This way, you can lean in to your pain and your teen’s pain, rather than resist it. And, by the way, even if your teen never says a word about this move of acceptance and self-love, he or she is watching your every move and will emulate you in the future!
—Kirk D. Strosahl, PhDcoauthor of Brief Interventions for Radical Change and the Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Depression